Hello! My name is Kaya, not officially but i imagine you get the point. I also accept Kai and am lost for ideas for usernames so I decided to keep it simple. Shame Kaya is already taken.
Pronouns: They, or if you really want she
I have actually already joined other forums, but there is one need they aren't helping with as much as I had hoped. I need real world friends. Empty closets is a bit of an empty place, and doesnt like people to have anything to do with each other outside of it. BGN is great! but sadly it's community is small and seems to be based largely not here. So I figure, try try again. Largely because if I don't my mental health will suffer greatly.
Before I get to the boring bit, if anyone feels like messaging me feel free to. Though because of unfortunate rulings I cannot send pms myself. (I think I can still receive?)
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I am gender fluid. I tend to float between three distinct "genders" spending most my time in the 3rd androgenous gender, but do on occasion flip into the more defined genders of male or female. I have not bothered to check how accepting this site is to non binaries so I hope I am welcome. My third gender self seems to coast between the extremes, but has a very distinct feeling which is hard to explain. I'm still trying to figure out what that means.
I work in technical support, so I get to hear my dry masculine voice for at least 40 hours a week. I have managed to avoid getting a second job so far, but things aren't looking too great for the future. I am only out to two people in the real world. My therapist, and what used to be my best friend (because we drifted apart, he was pretty cool about the gender thing). I was originally planning to come out to my brother, but recent events have given me the impression that wont go as well as I'd hoped so am probably going to build up an emergency plan first. When I come out to my mom, she will need counseling, she already said she would if I turned out to be gay. When I come out to my sister, I will have to come out to her husband. She may accept me, but he wont and I will probably never see my beautiful neice and nephew in person again. That is all the family I really have now.
I originally started thinking I was MTF, several years ago. I was still living with my mom to help after my father died (He would have reacted the worst, but now I don't have to worry about that). I had a friend on the internet who all but came out to me, letting me know he wanted to be a male. I didnt probe, and he never said any trans vocabulary. I accepted it without a second thought. Then he started asking what I would do in certain horror scenarios, asked what I would do if for instance I had to chop off the bits that mark me as male (for survival). He wasn't happy when I said I would gladly do so. Then slowly I started running into other things, probably because I was looking. Suddenly things made more sense. So I thought I was a woman. I was of course not entirely correct.
Here's the part where I explain, I dont really fit the trans narrative so much. I didn't always feel trapped in the wrong body, I still dont. My body just didnt seem to be developing properly. I felt like my growth was restrained, kept from doing what it was meant to do. I didn't hate puberty, I was fortunate in that it left me with a very androgenous body and while there are things I wish I could skip (voice, hair, other) It felt the same. Like my body was being forced to develop wrong. I love it when people don't know what to call me. I have had long hair my whole life, and was referred to as female accidentally often. Even as a kid I dont remember correcting anyone. I do identify more as a woman than as a man, but that isnt the whole story.
I started therapy a couple months ago, and am seriously considering hormone therapy soon through an informed consent clinic. I have gotten lucky in so many areas here, I live in Colorado. My family is not religious. I could in theory pass as a woman without transitioning at all, as long as I didn't speak. Though it could be easier. I still have no idea how to explain non-binary identity to another person, not to mention gender fluidity. I have zero actual friends, because I always play the loner. Not so financially well off, or emotionally stable. I've never done drugs, but recently I find it hard to justify. Because of my emotional stability, my normal escapist tactics can now be emotional triggers as much as emotional escapes.
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