Dysphoria and anxiety about sex

[darksideofthemoon]

I'm not sure where to start with this, but I really need some reassurance from other guys on T and maybe have gone through similar situations. I'll try my best to make this sound the least complicated as possible....

I guess I should start saying that I've been on T for just over a year now. I think the results that I have are pretty decent, and anything else is something that's in my control to change, because of this I thought I had more confidence about going out and exploring my sexuality. Long story short, I met up with this one guy from Grindr who was interested in trying out sex with a trans guy since he had never done something like that before. Last minute I freaked out and sucked him off instead. I wouldn't let him touch me because I kept worrying about two things: one that he would see me without clothes on and see me as a woman and two the fear of pregnancy even though we both agreed on using a condom and I haven't had my period since my first shot. I know it's still a possibility even after starting T, and I have missed two shots over the course of this year. Not in a row, but months apart. I'm suppose to meet him again in a few days to try it again, and I really want to, but I'm really scared of the condom breaking. I'm scared of it not working right. It's all made worse because I'm in Italy for another 5 days, and even though you can get the morning after pill here, I've heard horror stories of people who don't have Italian health insurance waiting hours in the hospital to get the prescription (since you can't just ask for it in a pharmacy).

This whole thing is making my dysphoria worse. I just want to be able to enjoy sex without thinking about all of this stuff, but I can't. So, I guess my question is...does anyone have experience with just using an condom on T? Would it be more effective since it's less likely I guess for pregnancy to happen? How do you deal with the fear of the possibility of being seen as the wrong gender in bed? I just want peace of mind before I step into this. If you haven't guessed by now, I have never slept with a cis guy. This is the reason I've been avoiding it for so long. At least with other trans guys, there's a mutual understanding.

I apologize if this is really pathetic sounding. This is coming from a person who overthinks almost everything he does daily. If I didn't have anxiety, I probably would be able to think more rationally about this. Unfortunately, it's something I have to learn to deal with.

[Mariah]

Hi Darksideofthemoon. Welcome to Susan's. Anytime your doing something new like exploring your sexuality it can be nerve racking no matter how much confidence we have. For me that instead of being loose and relaxed I stiffened up and it had nothing to do with him but me. It's that fear of the unknown and not knowing what is going to happen that gets you and draws out the fear and concern. I'm sure the guys can help you a lot more, but I hope that helps. I look forward to seeing you around the forms. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[BearGuy]

Hey brother, I'll try to share some insight with you.
To be honest - unless you are dating someone and having sex with them, you shouldn't really focus on what goes through another person's head during casual sex. The key to casual sex is to not overthink things, and simply enjoy it on a purely physical level. And, honestly, I really doubt that the entire process he will be thinking "this is a woman, I'm having sex with a woman". That kind of stuff really doesn't go through guys' heads when they're turned on. If you look like a guy, he's gonna see you as a guy. 1 year on T is plenty to make you look like a dude.
Most gay men who are curious about trans guys know what to expect. They know what you're working with, and they're curious about it. In fact, curiosity is often the biggest source of arousal for guys!
My biggest piece of advice: since this is your first time with a cis-guy, it might be better to experience it with someone who is experienced with trans guys.

About pregnancy and condoms, I really can't speak much about it since I've never had sex with another guy (well not intercourse at least). It's common knowledge among trans men that the risk of pregnancy is almost non-existent. My cis gay male friend had sex with his trans boyfriend for over 3 years with no condoms, and he didn't get pregnant. In fact...I never heard of any trans men getting pregnant even with no protection at all (unless they were off T for a considerable amount of time).

[Bimmer Guy]

Hey brother, I'll try to share some insight with you.
To be honest - unless you are dating someone and having sex with them, you shouldn't really focus on what goes through another person's head during casual sex. The key to casual sex is to not overthink things, and simply enjoy it on a purely physical level. And, honestly, I really doubt that the entire process he will be thinking "this is a woman, I'm having sex with a woman". That kind of stuff really doesn't go through guys' heads when they're turned on. If you look like a guy, he's gonna see you as a guy. 1 year on T is plenty to make you look like a dude.
Most gay men who are curious about trans guys know what to expect. They know what you're working with, and they're curious about it. In fact, curiosity is often the biggest source of arousal for guys!
My biggest piece of advice: since this is your first time with a cis-guy, it might be better to experience it with someone who is experienced with trans guys.

About pregnancy and condoms, I really can't speak much about it since I've never had sex with another guy (well not intercourse at least). It's common knowledge among trans men that the risk of pregnancy is almost non-existent. My cis gay male friend had sex with his trans boyfriend for over 3 years with no condoms, and he didn't get pregnant. In fact...I never heard of any trans men getting pregnant even with no protection at all (unless they were off T for a considerable amount of time).

This is not true.  Trans men definitely get pregnant while on T.  They need to use birth control if they have vaginal intercourse with cis men, just like cis women.

[BearGuy]

This is not true.  Trans men definitely get pregnant while on T.  They need to use birth control if they have vaginal intercourse with cis men, just like cis women.

What would happen to the fetus if testosterone was continued throughout the pregnancy?

[FTMax]

My feeling is that you would be fine with just a condom. I've never looked up the statistics, but I'd wager that most people are relying on a single form of birth control, whether that's condoms or birth control pills/shots. As long as you're making an effort to not get pregnant, you should be fine. Condoms are especially important for casual sex because of STIs as well.

Everyone that I've been with intimately during my transition has viewed me as male, even when I'm naked. I always get a little anxious with someone new, but I've never had any issues. None of this was casual though.

Just relax. Like BearGuy said, casual sex is about enjoying the physical and not getting too deep in your head about it. You're only going to be there for a few more days, right? Worst case scenario, it doesn't go well and you never see the guy again but it doesn't matter because he's in a different country.

[darksideofthemoon]

This is not true.  Trans men definitely get pregnant while on T.  They need to use birth control if they have vaginal intercourse with cis men, just like cis women.

To be fair, I think he meant it's unlikely. It's what my doctor said as well, but still said I should use condoms or get a copper IUD because she's seen it happen to a few guys. I would guess too that it depends on how long you've been on T. I should have gotten a copper IUD to be honest. It would have reduced my anxiety about this a lot more. I just don't know how much to trust condoms.

[darksideofthemoon]

Hey brother, I'll try to share some insight with you.
To be honest - unless you are dating someone and having sex with them, you shouldn't really focus on what goes through another person's head during casual sex. The key to casual sex is to not overthink things, and simply enjoy it on a purely physical level. And, honestly, I really doubt that the entire process he will be thinking "this is a woman, I'm having sex with a woman". That kind of stuff really doesn't go through guys' heads when they're turned on. If you look like a guy, he's gonna see you as a guy. 1 year on T is plenty to make you look like a dude.
Most gay men who are curious about trans guys know what to expect. They know what you're working with, and they're curious about it. In fact, curiosity is often the biggest source of arousal for guys!
My biggest piece of advice: since this is your first time with a cis-guy, it might be better to experience it with someone who is experienced with trans guys.

About pregnancy and condoms, I really can't speak much about it since I've never had sex with another guy (well not intercourse at least). It's common knowledge among trans men that the risk of pregnancy is almost non-existent. My cis gay male friend had sex with his trans boyfriend for over 3 years with no condoms, and he didn't get pregnant. In fact...I never heard of any trans men getting pregnant even with no protection at all (unless they were off T for a considerable amount of time).

Thanks for the advice, really. I need to stop overthinking how he'll see me. Though, I think like someone else said it's probably more likely to get pregnant on T than some people think, but ultimately I think it also depends on the person and the time you've been on T.

[darksideofthemoon]

Hi Darksideofthemoon. Welcome to Susan's. Anytime your doing something new like exploring your sexuality it can be nerve racking no matter how much confidence we have. For me that instead of being loose and relaxed I stiffened up and it had nothing to do with him but me. It's that fear of the unknown and not knowing what is going to happen that gets you and draws out the fear and concern. I'm sure the guys can help you a lot more, but I hope that helps. I look forward to seeing you around the forms. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

It certainly did.  I know so many other people have this problem, but it's always nice to hear it form someone else that they have dealt with the same thing. Thank you.

[darksideofthemoon]

My feeling is that you would be fine with just a condom. I've never looked up the statistics, but I'd wager that most people are relying on a single form of birth control, whether that's condoms or birth control pills/shots. As long as you're making an effort to not get pregnant, you should be fine. Condoms are especially important for casual sex because of STIs as well.

Everyone that I've been with intimately during my transition has viewed me as male, even when I'm naked. I always get a little anxious with someone new, but I've never had any issues. None of this was casual though.

Just relax. Like BearGuy said, casual sex is about enjoying the physical and not getting too deep in your head about it. You're only going to be there for a few more days, right? Worst case scenario, it doesn't go well and you never see the guy again but it doesn't matter because he's in a different country.

That's true. I guess it should be pretty easy to get over since, like you said he'll be in another country anyway and I don't have to deal with an awkward encounter somewhere if it does go bad. And thank you. It's reassuring to hear that, for the most part, it should be okay.