How do I fit in with other girls..?

[FTMDiaries]

It's perfectly normal and very common for young trans people to struggle with making friends. We seem to find ourselves stuck between genders: being unable to function as male or female due to the conflict between our gender & our presentation can make it hard to find people with whom we have a lot in common. It's even more difficult if you've been homeschooled and haven't had a great deal of experience with the wide variety of different personalities you find in schools. And I'm sorry your parents aren't being supportive. But the good news is: it does get better. You'll move out in a couple of years' time, and you'll be able to choose your own path in life. It's just around the corner, so have faith in yourself and hold on to that thought.

As an undercover agent who spent several decades trying to fit in with girls, I can offer the following advice:

• One of the best things you can do at this stage (i.e. whilst presenting as male) is to observe girls' interactions as much as possible. Watch TV shows about girls your age (Pretty Little Liars is a good example of teenage girls' interaction, imho); go to your local shopping centre/mall & sit in the Food Court, watching & listening to find out what the girls in your area are interested in; watch YouTube videos featuring the kind of girls you relate to. If you find anything there that sparks your interest, do some research so you have some idea what you're talking about, and try to gently add yourself into a conversation at an appropriate point, e.g. whilst waiting in a queue at the mall.
• On that subject, conversation amongst girls isn't like conversation amongst guys. Guys tend to talk about sports or their latest conquest; offer expert opinions; and try to dominate the conversation ('mansplaining' is a perfect example of this). Girls are typically all about shared experiences; in-group co-operation; being nice and aiming to be liked by your peer group. If another girl tries to dominate the conversation, she won't be generally liked by the girls around her. As you try to navigate your way into womanhood, it's a good idea to start by being careful with sharing your opinions until you feel confident in how to express them. Rather, see how the girls around you talk to each other and use that as your guide. Eventually, you'll figure out how to insert yourself into the conversation in an appropriate way.
• Girls are raised from an early age to see anyone they perceive as male as a potential threat. It's horrible (and growing up as a girl can be a very frightening experience for that reason), but it's the way things are. They're told that men are 'only after one thing', and that any guy should be perceived as a potential rapist. As they hit puberty and men start giving them unwelcome attention (it happens all the time; being constantly hit on by any & every guy can be very trying), these perceptions are cemented as a reality. So they learn to be defensive & guarded around anyone they perceive to be male, until they get to know them better. How do you fix that? Take your time, and speak to them in the way I've described above, don't make any passes at them (unless those seem particularly welcome) and they'll eventually see that you're not a threat.
• There's also the added problem of boyfriends: a lot of guys are insecure when their girlfriends hang out with anyone they perceive to be male, so girls might shy away because they don't want to anger their boyfriends. That's less likely to happen if your mannerisms are effeminate... but unfortunately that can attract a different set of problems. If you can, try to join a mixed group of boys & girls as this can help to minimise this threat.
• A good way to start a friendship with a girl, particularly whilst presenting as male, is by showing you have a good sense of humour. Making girls laugh is by far the best way for them to see you as a potential friend.
• The Internet is your friend. You can join lots of social media sites - particularly Tumblr - where you can search for Tumblrs that are of interest to girls your age, so that you can not only observe their interactions... but you can join in them. Having a female online presence is a great way to start practising your identity before you're able to undergo medical transition.

[MugwortPsychonaut]

Everything FTMDiaries just said

How do I give a plus one for this post? This was just absolutely, plain ol' fantastique! 

[Laura_7]

How do I give a plus one for this post? This was just absolutely, plain ol' fantastique! 

Just click on the green thumbs up below "reputation" on the left of the posting...


hugs

[Tessa James]

Good question Sade.  Fitting in with any social group is facilitated by having confidence in yourself and being willing to listen and share honestly.  I found myself to be much more comfortable in social situations as i gave up the guy act and became more honestly myself.  With nothing to hide and no guarding of speech and mannerism our facade falls away.  Being a bit more vulnerable with friends allows them to share on a deeper level too.

It is a major daily pleasure to share smiles and socialize with other women.  Some who may have once thought "don't give him any attention or he'll hit on me"  I think that is also part of the comfort many women have with hanging out with men who are gay.  The sexual attraction agenda is off the table and quite a relief for some of us. 

Having previously lived a long time with a testosterone fueled and male socialized persona I know a lot of guys really do spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about sexuality and how to get there.  We are all responsible for appropriate social interactions no matter what level of libido and interest we may have.  It sure feels better for me now.

[EmmaMcAllister]

Most of my close friends are women, and we were friends before I started to transition. It's cliche to say "just be yourself," but that's what worked for me. Granted, I'm in a wheelchair, which has two effects: 1) practically nobody will look at me as a sexual being, 2) I never show overt sexual interest in anyone because the odds of rejection are near 100%. Now, you probably won't have it as easy as me if you can walk, but if you can remove or minimize the presence of sexual tension, friendship should be easy. Find women who share in an interest, take part in that interest with them, and build from there.

[iKate]

I just naturally fit better with women and lately since I've gone full time, even more so.

It's a whole different world for me now though.

[Beverly]

Men still exist but they are definitely in the background of my life. On entering any social situation it is the women that I gravitate towards. It just feels right that way.

[Jill F]

Men seem to have to "win" the conversation. It does not work in female circles.

Apparently you haven't met my friend Maria. 

[Beverly]

Apparently you haven't met my friend Maria. 

Indeed not.

[Sadephanie]

To be perfectly honest I'm intimidated by both genders as I am extremely shy since I've gone most of my life with no friends and always struggled to make new ones. But thank you for all the advice. I'm actually over at my male friends house sleeping over tonight though. Sometimes he'll joke and call me a girl or something but deep down it makes me feel happier. I just wish I could sleep over with my best friend.. God I hate being a guy! ..sorry, very upset at the moment..

[Obfuskatie]

Be interesting.
Find things you like or haven't tried and go out and do them. Even if you're awkward, spend time doing cool stuff and you'll meet people along the way.
Then you can have a yoga/gym buddy, or artist friends or whatever it is you decide to go out and do. It's easy to be solitary if all you're hobbies involve a computer or TV. Even if it requires you getting a dog so you can get out in the world to walk him/her, there are plenty of things you can find to keep you active.
Also we ladies usually have a huge soft spot for cute pets. And I have on several occasions talked to a random guy that had an affectionate dog in tow.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from Katie's iPad using Tapatalk

[Tessa James]

Sometimes he'll joke and call me a girl or something but deep down it makes me feel happier.

I am guessing that many of us responded that same way.  Of course I was one of those kids who was skinny and cared nothing for sports.  Recess at our sports dominated school was all about some kind of ball play or king of the hill thing for the boys.  I wanted to be on the girls playground where skipping a rope and intimate huddles of girls seemed so more compelling.  Being called a girl or pussy by the boys and coach was paradoxically an intended insult for them and a weird secret truth for me.  That taunt persisted into adulthood and I eventually replied with; So you don't like girls?

Yes, we are girls deep down and that truth can make us happier.

[Sadephanie]

You won't believe this. I hung out with my best friend again today and some of her friends hung out with her and me today and it made me happy and normal.. I wish she knew about me though. I don't show my bi side TOO much around her but she was looking at a picture of a cute guy and I said he was hot and she was a bit shocked at first but then remembered that I was bi and she was fine with it.

[Tessa James]

I do believe you and that does sound fun.  Most straight guys would never acknowledge another guy is hot so ya you did sort of out yourself a bit.

A lot of girls find it easier to hang with guys who are gay or bi as there can be less dating sort of tension.  Good for you!

[erasure]

I have struggled most of my adult life to fit in as a man per se, although I had male and female friends I never felt part of either, was stuck in between.
I have been Straight, Gay and Bi in my search for the real me. It took years of soul searching to be where I am today a pre op woman. since I have finally made the 100% decision to be me, I have witnessed two sides of the coin.From the male perspective I am oddball, gayboy and a freak of nature, and standing 6ft tall and rather plump and with a face like chewing a wasp I understand their fears, from the female perspective I have had the odd look but in fact I have been accepted better by females.I don't overdress so as not to be in any ones face, though I dress as a woman.It is sometimes a lonely place and one has to pick oneself up and carry on, if they truly believe who they are. it does not matter if certain members of public do not accept you so long as you accept yourself you will survive. As Gloria Gaynor said. good luck in your journey maybe we will meet on the same path . x xx x