Not going so well

[Emileeeee]

This is really just a vent post, so sorry in advance for whining. I just needed to write it someplace where I wasn't the only one seeing it, like so I feel like I'm talking about it with someone.

The initial reaction from my family was very favorable, but what's happened over the course of the last couple weeks has completely blindsided me. Me telling them has pretty much destroyed my immediate family and driven a stake through the center of my extended family. I've been disowned twice in the same week by my only sibling. She even went as far as cursing me out immediately before hanging up on me. My father doesn't want to talk about it, ever, with anybody. My mother's spending her days in tears so much that it's affecting her job. My aunts and uncles are trying to cure me. The only people that seem willing to accept me unconditionally are my friends.

The family has stopped including me in discussions of any kind, but continue to complain about how they're getting stuck answering everybody's questions. I can't fix what I don't know about and when I try to intercede, I get blasted for it. I don't know how to fix something that nobody wants me to fix or even feels the need to tell me about.

I have parents telling me that I have a mental illness and that I need a shrink to fix it, despite all my efforts to inform them properly. I have family throwing scriptures in my face. I've been trying to take it easy on them and do the transition slower than I want to, but after what's happened over the last couple weeks, I'm sick and tired of having to explain to everybody about who I am and why it's acceptable for me to be myself. I don't demand explanations from them about why they're the way they are, so why do they feel like it's acceptable to demand it from me? At this point, I don't even care if everybody is okay with it or not. I'm going to stick with my timeline, which is much faster than they're comfortable with. They'll just have to deal with it or step aside.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! You're going to be fine, you know exactly where you're headed. Their issues are their issues. Tell them to handle it like Caitlyn's mom did. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Mariah]

Devlyn's right, It's their problem not yours. I give you props for trying, but in the end if they want to exclude you then they are only causing themselves more pain. Let it be there pain and not yours. It's wonderful that yours friends are supportive. I would surround yourself with them instead, but leave the door open for your family in case they ever have a change of heart. Big hugs
Mariah

[Emileeeee]

Thanks. I know all this and expected this kind of fallout. I just expected it to happen immediately instead of later. I'd like to think that I'm comfortable enough with myself to not let this stuff get to me, but I guess I'm not as strong as I thought.

[Devlyn]

It isn't that we aren't as strong as we thought, it's that sometimes stuff piles up on us. You can't plan for that. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Dena]

There is one possible option that might help or be totally useless. Sometimes the church head is more open minded and can correct your families misinterpretation of the bible. I do understand that in some religions this isn't true but it is something to think about. I am sorry you have to deal with but sadly not everybody is as understanding as they should be.

[Emileeeee]

Dena,

I don't think that would help personally. I grew up in the church they go to and remember that my family was more accepting than the church was. One such instance pops out of my head immediately and that's when I first saw the movie Footloose and commented about how ridiculous it was that you weren't allowed to dance. My family told me our religion didn't allow us to dance either, but we do it anyway. It doesn't help that I also have a pastor in the family that's helping them with their interpretations. I have atheists in the family spouting out scriptures now that are coming from him. I'm just going to plan to move on with my life and keep my distance to avoid the negativity. If they come around fine, if they don't, I'm not going to worry about it. My wife is supportive and that's all that really matters to me right now.

[traci_k]

Hugs Emily,

Hopefully the family will come around but don't count on it. At least your wife is supportive, that says a lot and may ease the pain of loss. I'm married to a Christian fundamentalist and as soon as I begin transition, she's gone, probably with my son. I've tried explaining the biological basis to him and my wife, but they get their science from the bible and that doesn't allow for God to make mistakes. 

Maybe someday love will win out but fear of eternal damnation scares some people.

Wishing you the best!

[KristinaM]

Wow, I felt like I was reading a description of my own life events!  Even down to your sister's reaction, lol.

You're doing the right thing though.  A family's role is to love one another and be supportive, not poisonous and hateful (however well-intentioned they may claim it to be!).  You're doing the right thing in your life, if you believe you are, by accepting your "condition" and moving forward in the only way that makes you happy.  You're not radically altering anybody else's path in life, just your own.  They're choosing to let it affect them negatively.

So yeah, they can either get on board and realize that YOU are the one who's going through this $h!t, not them, or they can get off at the station.  Either way, you're riding this train with or without them.

BIG HUGS!!!  We'll get through this together, I know it.

[Emileeeee]

I'm married to a Christian fundamentalist and as soon as I begin transition, she's gone, probably with my son. I've tried explaining the biological basis to him and my wife, but they get their science from the bible and that doesn't allow for God to make mistakes. 

I've been hit with this one in the past too, but I have a different take on it. I was devout, like to the core devout for the first 25 years of my life. I did everything I was supposed to do. I loved the lord with all my heart and brought people to him, I never missed a day of church or Sunday school, I paid the tithes every week, I did the vacation bible school, I read the bible and prayed on a daily basis, I was a member of the church since I was 12 years old and even performed several sermons myself. I spent 25 years of my life praying and in some cases begging God to cure me of the evil that was invading my soul, but nothing ever changed. Why? Because there was nothing to cure. The soul is who we are and mine happens to be female.

I was also taught that people that are born different are born that way to show the glory of God. So what would a trans person bring to the table? Hmm maybe the ability to show the world a person that doesn't know how to judge others? A person that knows with all of their being that the body is just a vessel and not really who we are? I'm sure there are other reasons if I really think about it.

Don't change the body because God made you that way? Didn't he also make your mind? Why is it acceptable to change that? What about children born with deformities that don't affect their ability to live fruitful lives and only cause them to be the butt of jokes? We have no problem curing them if we have the means. How is that any different?

I'm not actually a believer anymore, but with so many people I know trying to use the bible against me, you might say I've rekindled a passion for studying it, just for the purposes of disputes. I don't see anything in my post that would offend someone, but just in case, I wanted to add that it was not my intention to offend anybody.

[CarlyMcx]

The only scripture that really matters is Matthew Chapter 15.  Jesus said, that what is in your heart matters, not strict compliance with the laws of man, and He said this in specific reference to the Book of Leviticus.

Jesus also said that it is not what we put into our mouths that matters (in reference to the dietary laws) but what comes out.

And if they start in on you with the Apostle Paul, be advised, a lot of what he supposedly said was actually fabricated or deliberately misinterpreted by later Christian writers.

The toxic, fearmongering, controlling form of Christianity practiced by modern Americans has little to do with the actual word of Christ, and was actually borne of the minds of Christian writers who plied their trade hundreds of years after the death of Christ, when the Church was actively trying to take over the remnants of the Roman Empire.

[Rachel4576]

Yip Devlyn is right . I think the fact that your being yourself is great an that you're not being fake :-)

Sent from my ME172V using Tapatalk

[warlockmaker]

When I read post like yours it breaks my heart, it seems to happen so often in developed countries, these countries should be more educated and liberal. Living in emerging Asia there tends to be family support, I'm not sure if its the culture or religion but most likly a combination. Sometimes I wonder if it Bhuddist religion that accepts humans are not perfect and we evolve from one life to another until we gain enlightment/perfection, that society accepts us. I don't know what its like to be rejected by those closest to you in the manner you described, I did think before I started transitioning that this may happen, and was prepared for the worst case senario but there has been only support from my family.

[Vanny]

I have not gone through this but may.   The way I look at this situation is the initial discussions, rationalization, lack of knowledge, comprehension and with time, believe there is hope.  Remember, many a person is estranged from their family or parts of their family die to issues much simpler, regular or silly.   This all means that this type of situation is not just isolated to this issue.  It happens and regularly for many reasons.  My point, is that following your dream, my dream, my heart and every fiber of my being is my choice, our choice and if I am to be happy vs sad (due to alienation of family members due to this) then so be it.  I am who I am, I deserve to live happily and with hope of living my life to the fullest.  With family / friends or without, that is their issue. 

I have much to learn, much to decide and much to face but I will be damned if I am going to put my self second, when I make the final decision, I will go forward and face the challenges gladly. 

Happiness is our choice and no one holds the rights to take that away from us.  If so, it is that we allow them to.  Hugs all


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Dawn1257]

This is a really tough situation Emilee. It's one everyone here can relate to in some manner. It's not at all unusual for some family members to seem at first accepting only to find them later appearing resistant, distant, and even downright hostile toward you once things have set-in.

In my early days before I was willing to commit to transition but seriously thinking about it, I was at a support group meeting. One of the attendees - after I had given my desires of dreams.... post transition - told me directly, "You have to be willing and ready to lose everything in your life in order to make this work".

To say the least, I was somewhat stunned. To say the most, I thought she was just being mean. But what has turned out is that you have to make the most of what it is that YOU need. Not what you want, but what you NEED. Ask yourself:

1. Is religion and acceptance in my local church enough to keep me from transition if they disapprove.

2. What will life without familial contact be like and is that reality something I can actually live with.

3. We all say, "I don't care what other people think about me". But, do you really? Think about it.

4. Is my source of livelihood going to be jeopardized, and if so, how can I repair that displacement to help myself prosper.

You're likely to lose some family members - permanently.

You're likely to lose friends - permanently.

You're likely that you may find another church which is open to you. Very likely.

Employment is still the biggest bugaboo for transsexual and transgender people. I'd suggest making the most out of any education you have or are intended to get to enter employment as self-sustaining as is possible. But, realize that if you have a job now, you may not post revelation.

In all of what you wrote, it appears your family life is very meaningful to you and it breaks my heart that you're suffering in this way. Honestly, they (your family) already know this. And, they are willing to make their points in order to alter your intent by being mean spirited, angry, hurtful, disinterested, and in denial. Do yourself a favor. Accept this part now, 'cause if you don't it will only make you feel worse later. Don't let them know how much you're hurting. Sometimes, them seeing your hurt only makes them fight and carry on harder.

Only battle the things you have a chance to make changes to. Let the rest go.

We all hope in time our families will see us for who we are. Many will win a few back. But, only a few will win all back. Be content to have any family who does believe in you - even if it is marginal.

[Emileeeee]

All good points, Dawn. Sorry for the late response. I haven't had a home computer for a while.

For item number 3, I do care and that's what's held me back from starting the transition for so long. When I started growing my hair out and getting laser done on the face, I started to notice that middle-aged women were gendering me female no matter what I wore or what my voice sounded like. Older women in retail would card me with a puzzled look on their face, presumably to figure out my gender. Men still always gender me male, but whatever.

My point is that it didn't take much to get people to start gendering me female. All this time I was worried that I would get beat up because I'd look like a guy in women's clothing and now I'm wondering how long people have been viewing me as a woman trying to look like a guy and not saying anything. I look like a woman that's trying and failing to look like a guy in my wedding pictures.

I also sometimes encounter kids in their 20s that clearly do not care what other people think of them. Most of them are working in retail when I see them, but every time I see one of them, I can't help but think about how ridiculously childish I'm being by not having the same courage they do. It makes me take another step toward transition when I see it.


For item number 4, I am pretty worried about that. I worked hard to get to where I am because I don't have a degree. I was never able to afford it and neither could my parents. When I was finally able to afford it after spending 10 years breaking into my field, I didn't have the time to go. Knowing it took me 10 years to get into this field as a guy with no degree, at a time when most people didn't know anything about computers yet, scares me a lot. I really need my work history at my current company to be under the new name. I'm not sure what I'd do if I had to break into the field a second time, with a zero'd out work history, as a woman, with no more contacts.

I'm not too old to go back to school for a degree, but I am too old to put off a transition until I finish one. I'd rather live in a tent in the woods than have to spend another 4-6 years as a guy.

[Paige]

I've tried explaining the biological basis to him and my wife, but they get their science from the bible and that doesn't allow for God to make mistakes. 

I don't believe in an all powerful God.  But if she did exist, why would her followers assume transgender people are a mistake?  If I were her I be a bit peeved with this assumption.  But then again she created all life on this planet and many of her so-called followers think it's okay to decimate her creation.

Just a thought,
Paige

[Dena]

For item number 4, I am pretty worried about that. I worked hard to get to where I am because I don't have a degree. I was never able to afford it and neither could my parents. When I was finally able to afford it after spending 10 years breaking into my field, I didn't have the time to go. Knowing it took me 10 years to get into this field as a guy with no degree, at a time when most people didn't know anything about computers yet, scares me a lot. I really need my work history at my current company to be under the new name. I'm not sure what I'd do if I had to break into the field a second time, with a zero'd out work history, as a woman, with no more contacts.

I have worked from 1980 until today as an assembler computer programmer in the female role. You know what I look like but at my best, I had a male sounding voice for all of those years. I think the lesson here is if you have the brains, they will overlook the body in a high tech job because I was hired for three jobs in that time period.  I don't know much about your current job but transitioning on the job is a possibility and if you are skilled, I think they will do what they can to hang on to you. The will also find it hard to get rid of you for transitioning. If you agree to leave the job, you should demand they alter the name on your personal information.

I don't see where your job should be a problem. The work place has change greatly in the 35 years since I transition and now you have legal protection which I didn't have.