Really bad dysphoria day

KatelynBG · August 15, 2015, 03:36:09 PM

So today has been rough. I worked an event for a volunteer group that I'm a part of. Probably my biggest trigger of dysphoria is when I see women my age around me. I notice everything about them and compare myself to them. Their hair, their height, their forehead, the way their clothes fit. For example I was in line waiting for food and the woman in front of me was pretty. I noticed how smooth her brow was and I unconcious started feeling my own brow ridge. Things like that happen all the time. Well this event took place in one of the premier upscale tourist locations on the east coast. The type of place where wealthy and upper middle class people go away to on vacation. The ladies of course dress in their most beautiful summer clothes and they are all in just perfect, perky physical shape. Basically every other person in town triggers my dysphoria.

I had to hide how upset I was because my family was around, but my wife noticed and asked what was wrong. She just wouldn't stop asking and I didn't want to bring up my gender issues because that is always World War 3 when it is brought up. I'm just now sitting in an empty room doing some breathing exercises, I think I'll be ok. I'm going to my 2nd therapy appointment on Wednesday.

Someday I will see light at the end of the tunnel, right? It sounds like transition is the only way to stop this, but oh man is that a scary idea to me.

suzifrommd · August 15, 2015, 04:34:21 PM

Quote from: KatelynBG on August 15, 2015, 03:36:09 PM
She just wouldn't stop asking and I didn't want to bring up my gender issues because that is always World War 3 when it is brought up.

It's very hard to have to keep something this huge from your soulmate.

Alas, the only thing that helped me feel better about my gender was transitioning. It cost me my marriage, but there was no other way it could have happened.

If you think your wife will get used to the idea over time, probably best not to hide it from her. Otherwise she'll think it's gone/going away. If you think she won't, then time to come up with a plan B. If you need to transition anyway, how do you make sure you're all OK?

Katelyn, I wish I had something better to tell you.

You are strong enough to get through this.

KatelynBG · August 15, 2015, 05:58:38 PM

Thank you Suzi for your reply. My wife is aware of my dysphoria but she has managed to drive herself completely into denial thinking that I'm a crossdresser doing it for kicks. Compounding our issues is the fact that she is 6 months pregnant. I know what I have to do but I can't put her in that position right now. It's going to happen sooner or later, it's just that later has to be the answer right now.

suzifrommd · August 15, 2015, 07:44:06 PM

Quote from: KatelynBG on August 15, 2015, 05:58:38 PM
Thank you Suzi for your reply. My wife is aware of my dysphoria but she has managed to drive herself completely into denial thinking that I'm a crossdresser doing it for kicks. Compounding our issues is the fact that she is 6 months pregnant. I know what I have to do but I can't put her in that position right now. It's going to happen sooner or later, it's just that later has to be the answer right now.

I admire your willingness to put other people's interest above your own. Truly noble.

Just make sure you have enough left to be there for her and the baby. Dysphoria is really draining.

Micah (Alecia) · August 16, 2015, 02:50:00 AM

This is kinda where I am at right now, I don't want to transition atm because it is just better right now that I don't for my own safety. As suzi put Dysphoria can be really draining just try and hang in there feel free to pm if you just need to talk I am on here daily.

Jacqueline · August 16, 2015, 04:06:53 AM

Suzi is right about it being draining.

I am early enough that I don't know how far I will transition yet. My poor wife is being very understanding. However, I am also pretty sure she has anxiety from the uncertainty.

However, she has noticed that just being in the first couple of baby steps, I am a much happier, calmer and nicer person to be around. That is not to say that I don't experience those moments you are speaking of and others but just being on the path has helped.

I wish you luck and love.

With warmth,

Joanna

Ms Grace · August 16, 2015, 05:03:41 AM

Quote from: KatelynBG on August 15, 2015, 03:36:09 PM
Someday I will see light at the end of the tunnel, right? It sounds like transition is the only way to stop this, but oh man is that a scary idea to me.

It's not necessarily the only way but it can be fairly effective. Some people go for a partial transition, requesting a low dosage of HRT which can, for some, reduce the dysphoria to a manageable degree. Talk with your counsellor about some possible coping mechanisms.

KatelynBG · August 16, 2015, 06:20:06 AM

Thank you all for the support, I'm better today for now. You all are so kind and supportive, I like it here.

KatelynBG · August 16, 2015, 03:39:08 PM

The anger is what kills me. Why do I have to be so angry? It's no one else's fault, why do I take it out on other people? God I can't wait for my therapy appointment Wednesday.

Dena · August 16, 2015, 04:39:11 PM

Quote from: KatelynBG on August 16, 2015, 03:39:08 PM
The anger is what kills me. Why do I have to be so angry? It's no one else's fault, why do I take it out on other people? God I can't wait for my therapy appointment Wednesday.

The problem is it's nobodies fault including yours but you are stuck cleaning it up. At first we deal with a pile of problems and it seems like there is no way they can be solved. As we start resolving some of the problems, the pressure on us is less and we start to lose the anger and have hope. You need to take mini vacations from your problems by finding something that will distract you when you aren't active doing something else. The idle moments are the worst the more you can keep active, the less anger you will have.

Obfuskatie · August 16, 2015, 05:20:30 PM

Keeping too busy to notice how you feel isn't exactly healthy if you aren't simultaneously working on planning a solution and waiting for time to pass in between steps. Exercise is a big help though, it will make you feel better with the endorphins, and you can prioritize anaerobic workouts rather than muscle-building ones.
Personally, I wasn't happy with a middle ground, and only managed to suppress my own issues once I had a full transition path lined up. It hasn't exactly gotten any less terrifying, as my issues transitioned with me. And I still have problem areas with my body, but once you're all-in, surgery, medicine and fashion are options to address most of them.
With your wife, think about it from her perspective. She sees the "man" she's having a child with withdrawing and becoming irritable. Both are pretty common precursors to breakups. If your relationship is going to work, you need to work on your communication and let her into "for worse" part of the marriage equation. You don't have to be stoic, but getting guidance from your therapist to how to approach your wife and what to tell her would probably be a really good idea.
We all go through stages in our acceptance of being trans*, and as such we can often require a couple coming out beating around the bushes before we are clear and succinctly understood. The fallout of the latter is something everyone needs to figure out how to manage. Ideally, the more at peace with ourselves and our status we are, the less awkward or negatively we are effected by setbacks and rejection. The first person who needs to accept you is you, but that's sort of the point of therapy (and why I'm going back to therapy since I keep struggling with it).

Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Rachel · August 16, 2015, 06:15:23 PM

Katelyn,

when you finally do come out to your wife do not bargain and do not go back and forth and give her hope. Be honest about what is going on and where it will go.

You are approaching this correctly. Seeing a gender therapist and exploring what you need to do.

With good measure your wife will need to know. She will need constant reassurance you love her. If your intent to to remain married then reinforcement and communication is very important.

As others have said self acceptance is very important. I still am struggling with that too.

As I started to transition what seamed imposable I am doing. What was scary now feels right.

HRT removed my anger. It took 3 days to start and my anger started to melt away over a few months.

I understand all to well your dysphoria. It will get worse in time.

Your wife and child need you, hopefully as a family. If not as a family then financially.

sparrow · August 16, 2015, 10:11:02 PM

Transdudes disagree with me here... but T is poison. Rage is a common side-effect of normal male levels of testosterone.

Your wife should be seeing a gender therapist, too. My wife has been doing way better since she's been seeing hers. We've both been learning a lot about what she and I have been going through over the years, and our relationship is better now than it was before I realized I was anything other than cismale. Loads better.

It hasn't been easy. She was in denial, she said horrifically nasty things... I can't tell you how many times she said "never"... she angrily told me that she isn't a lesbian, I could go on and on. Last year around this time, I can't even describe how bad it was, in part because my memory is good at dropping the painful bits. We've been seeing therapists since March: six months. And we're doing waaay better.

We had a meltdown in March. She was going through a rough patch, and I'd spent about 4 months hiding my problems from her to shelter her while she was in the rough patch. I started to crack up, and I couldn't help her any more, I couldn't hide my dysphoria anymore. She ended up in the hospital, and I started seeing somebody. It hasn't been easy, but we're pulling through.

It's appealing to try to hide your problems from her, but you're only making them worse. The more you hide from her, the more afraid she'll be of the unknown. See a gender therapist. If you can both see the same therapist separately and together, it might be best.

Micah (Alecia) · August 16, 2015, 11:19:50 PM

Hi Katelyn just as I am learning to do it just helps to take the gender dysphoria, one day at a time. Just like with a lot of things some days are better then others, a therapist will certainly help you out with these issues. I would also recommend that you tell your wife about it soon, for her sake and the sake of your unborn child. I know I felt loads better when I came out to my girlfriend, ultimately remember we are here to support you

KatelynBG · August 17, 2015, 03:54:45 AM

My wife knows. I told her. She just went into denial about it. Yesterday I was gloomy again and she asked why. I said it was dysphoria and she asked "Is that why you're cranky all the time?" And I replied that it's almost always why I am cranky. And that I would like to tell her about it more often. Then she said it causes her stress and she doesn't want to talk about it for 6 months.

What's a gal to do

She doesn't want to know

suzifrommd · August 17, 2015, 05:36:31 AM

Quote from: KatelynBG on August 17, 2015, 03:54:45 AM
Then she said it causes her stress and she doesn't want to talk about it for 6 months.

What's a gal to do She doesn't want to know

She doesn't get to decide. It's not an option for married people to stick their heads in the sand about their spouses' problems. If she wants to be in denial, that's her choice, but you're not required to abet it. This is causing you real, serious distress. It causes you even more distress to try to shield her from it. If she is your soulmate, she needs to be there for you, if only by listening, even as you're there for her during her pregnancy.

JoanneB · August 17, 2015, 06:39:52 AM

Transition is not always "The ONLY answer". It may ultimately turn out that way. But there are other ways to manage GD besides stuffing or thinking that through the sheer force of will you can "Get over it". Those options are as binary thinking as many have on gender itself

For years I relied on my escapes from maleness. My wife knew of my GD from about day 1 over 30 years ago. Most times I needed that day of cross-dressing once a month. Besides that there was the almost daily panty wearing. I did little things like that solely to keep the "male" part of me alive, to keep me going. Not necessarily to feed or nurture "Her". About once every 5 to 10 years I need a total reboot, resetting my emotional brain with a short stint on low dose HRT.

My wife was supportive of the CD'ing. The only negative aspect of it for us was after several years when she started staying home rather than making herself scarce for the day, it would sometimes take up to a week for her to loose the image of Joanne in her head when looking at me. A real romance buzz-kill. Certainly not WWIII like it may be with yours.

However, life pressures and my overwhelming concern for her feelings led to those escapes being far less frequent. Shame and guilt over it, doing a little something for me when there is a ton of other have-to's needing to get done, made stuffing all that much more easier. Even my wife stopped asking, almost insisting, that I should take a day off to dress. I think the she started to stop about the same time I totally shut down emotionally and became the thing that I was.

Eventually the dam broke. Yet another total catastrophe in my life led to a lot of introspection, the end result was seeing that the root cause of this and most other calamities was about how I was NOT managing my GD. I found a support group. By the time the third meeting ended I knew absolutely for sure I needed to be there and it was rapidly approaching too late to tell my wife about this major escalation. I was graduating from "Just a CD" to a lot more and betraying her by breaking the assurances I made some 30 years earlier that after two failed transition experiments I figured for sure all I was was just a CD'r.

That was 6 years ago. I still have as many, if not a ton more pressures on my time. All compounded by being the primary care giver to my wife who is slowly wasting away and most days wishing for her death to end the pain. I've eventually started therapy, started HRT, even had the luxury of living part time as female. My wife and I hope to relocate as soon as we can so I have a 20 minute commute vs the hour plus and be in an area where we won't have to fear for the neighbors.

Most of what has happened she cannot say she is thrilled over. The big positive has been all the other changes in me and personal growth that came as a result. The bumps on my chest, loosing the man, even the betrayal she can look past now to some degree. If and when the time comes I decide I need to go full-time, we'll see what the future holds for the "Us"

Micah (Alecia) · August 17, 2015, 01:37:31 PM

Quote from: KatelynBG on August 17, 2015, 03:54:45 AM
cranky. And that I would like to tell her about it more often. Then she said it causes her stress and she doesn't want to talk about it for 6 months.

I agree with suzie she doesn't get to decide just because she is pregnant, does not mean that she should use that as an excuse. Marriage is not a one way street or any relationship for that matter if she knows it is causing you discomfort then she should try to be there for you not just deny it. I think it would be beneficial for both of you to be a therapist because in my opinion as I am studying psychology the way your wife is going about this, and how she is denying it is for one not healthy and is the signs a break-up is coming real fast. But hang in there Katelyn we are here for you.

KatelynBG · August 17, 2015, 02:19:13 PM

I honestly want out now. I love her, but she can't handle this and stay with me. At the same time, she's pregnant, that's terrible timing. I can't just up and toss out 14 years of love right when she needs me the most. I feel like I'm staying out of obligation and that adds a whole new layer of guilt and resentment.

suzifrommd · August 17, 2015, 03:31:07 PM

Quote from: KatelynBG on August 17, 2015, 02:19:13 PM
I honestly want out now. I love her, but she can't handle this and stay with me. At the same time, she's pregnant, that's terrible timing. I can't just up and toss out 14 years of love right when she needs me the most. I feel like I'm staying out of obligation and that adds a whole new layer of guilt and resentment.

I hear you.

Can you leave it up to her? I.e. stay with her to help with the pregnancy until she throws you out, but refuse to keep your issues about gender to yourself. Dress, do HRT, work on your voice, anything you would do to prepare for your transition. If she doesn't want you, if it's more important for you to be out of the house than to help her, she can make that choice.

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Really bad dysphoria day