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RavenL:
Congratulations on your first month.
Your picture that you posted appears to be quite a presentable, attractive young female. You are doing well!
You post that you are 26 years old. I can recall where I was in my transition at age 26 and I was nervous as well. I remained focused to my goal while making small, accountable steps along the way.
Counsellors are good; remain with yours if you are making progress.
Please allow my two cents worth having walked this road and paved part of this path for you to follow.
Find a way to meet with your trans support group - whether individually or as the group. If your current group can't meet your needs (meet other days to accommodate your work schedule), then seek another. If you are near Albuquerque, there should be more support groups - browse for them on-line - make friends with members of those groups - meet on your schedule one-on-one. I lived at Ramah and found a friendly physician at Gallup; that was 1977 - 1978.
I feel your pain. I was engaged in feminine protesting since at least age 3; no one was surprised at my change yet I lost my entire family - immediate and extended. My closest 'friends' abandoned me. I did not do that 'c-w-d' scene as your new 'friends' are seeking of you. I got involved with volunteer groups and charities; I made friends from those experiences. So, after work or on weekends, consider finding those extra-curricular activities to expand your circle. You are under no obligation to tell anyone about your self unless you feel comfortable following a time; otherwise it's your business and not theirs.
Work with friendly females who can be honest with you and teach you how to improve your appearance where you want to make improvements. Practise in the private comforts of your home - wardrobe, make-up, perfume, mannerisms, walking, talking, etc. Look at yourself in the mirror a your try new things. Record yourself for your review.
Unfortuneately, there will be boors out there who try rattling your nerves; ignore them. Women get those same rude comments for the same crude reasons. Counselling and support will work you through those moments; work with your friends. I experienced a constant barrage of 'She's a he. No, he's a she.' at work for seven years. I wanted to shrink up and crawl in a hole; instead I walked past those 'people' with my head head high. Honestly, Raven, I look back at that time beginning 35 years ago and I wonder how I survived, but I did and here I am +30 years post-transition, post-op, female full-time. Yes, I still hurts; I am the better person out of that arrangement.
Presentation and perception is part of transition - 'passing the 'passing' test'. I acquired my all-female uni-sex wardrobe (jeans, top, shoes, sox) by 1979. For example, I could wear the same uni-sex female attire:
- If I presented as male, then others perceived me as male.
- If I presented as female, others perceived me as female.
Maybe not 100% but enough to where I found confidence from those who made the correct identification. Here's the kicker. You are likely noticing when impolite 'people' make bad remarks while you are presenting as female. There are probably others doing the same but in the opposite - when you were presenting as male and they commented of you as female. Think about that - the latter circumstances would please you as much as the former circumstances hurt you.
Other examples were among my final proofs that I 'passed my 'passing' test'. I was doing my best to present as male at work where I was employed as male, yet strangers - frequently men - called me 'Miss' or mistook me for female. People on the telephone who did not know me called me 'Miss' because my voice did not change. Noticing these little acts will go a long way to boost your internal satisfaction.
You are learning the negative practicalities of the differences of the sexes - discrimination. Men will lop off 100 points from your IQ score. They will call you obscene names and speak in rough terms. You will face discrimination at work; you might be denied pay raises or job promotions because you are female. If you try changing employment, prospective employers will direct you to their clerical pool, not their professional positions for which you might be qualified. Yes, at some point you will need to decide for yourself how to balance your female identity imperative to the comforts of male privilege; you might find a positive decision or settle for a worst case scenario.
Your description of your work environment sounds horrid; not really unusual, sad to say. Your co-workers will continue speaking against you regardless of what you do, so do only what you want to do that is best for you. If that also means separating from that employ, then resolve that possibility. Looking back, I can see that I had a prime opportunity to change from male to female at work when my supervisor mistakenly accused me of being a female working there as a male; I now see how that was a perfect cue for my situation that I should have arrived at work the next day as female. I'm writing this to you to encourage you to examine your options - you may come upon an unexpected surprise.
Allow me to add this epiphany moment. I had been female full-time post- since 1985; yet there I was on vacation at Port Orford, Oregon, when it really hit me. I took a side glance at the bathroom mirror and realised I saw a women in the reflection. It was not the first time - but it was that Ah-ha! time. I scanned her from head to toe and every aspect of her was correct. You, dear Raven, are barely one month in transition. Please understand that you and your mind will hold that male image for a few years. It might take deliberate efforts to see yourself as female in your mirror. As I wrote at the beginning of this, you are a very attractive, young women in the picture that you post here.
Emily made very good points - she transitioned at parts of her life. So too did I; I did not simply go to sleep one night as my male predecessor and awake the next morning as Sharon and female. I went to work as male, I attended church as male, I had friends as male. Then there were times I went grocery shopping as female, filled up the gasoline tank as female, walked the hallways of familiar places as female (where they knew me as male), attended a Christmas event as female (where the people knew me as male), bought postage stamps at the Post Office as female. People made no identification of me as other than female during those female parts of my life. As with Emily's part-time transitioning, my part-time mode occurred from 1979 to 1985 - that's six years and I marked each day, week, month, and year as a success as I progressed more to female and eliminated male.
Yakayla makes very good point in her first paragraph. Re-read her post. Likewise, the others also made very good points. We are here for you.
Take care - Enjoy! - HUGGSS
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