I originally wasn't going to post anything but I'm kind of in a spot right now.

As most of you know here I've been close to full time for almost on month now. For about the first two weeks everything was pretty much alright for me and no complaints. But now I'm having major doubts on my commitment at the moment. And this has been going on for about two weeks now at first just a little thought and nothing more. And thought well its because I did have a really bad cold and adjusting to a new work schedule. And I did bring this feelings up with my therapist last week and we both agreed that being sick combined with some extra stress might be the problem.

But now for the past three or four days its pretty much all that I'm thinking about now is not wanting to do this. I'm feeling horrible and unhappy and even worse then I was a few months ago as a guy. While I might have depression really right now presenting as female is making me really unhappy. To the point right now I wish that somehow the clock could go back a few months to where this never happened. I have been trying my best to better myself also along the way but now at this point I really don't care. I'm starting to realize this might not be the best decison at the moment for me. Its becoming to much to try to look presentable and don't know if I care to do it. And now I'm starting to realize how good I did have things before as a guy. And its not helping that for the past two weeks I've been getting misgendered and even got called sir in my face three times this week. And had two stupid little kids walk past me and whisper I was a guy. It shouldn't bother me but it is since I have been trying to put a lot of work into myself and now its falling apart. And a couple weeks ago I got gendered right everytime and now its just sir or I get weird looks and really don't care to deal with it.

I know that meeting with other trans people might help me out. But the one group that does meet is always on my work days. And I've only met two trans people so far and both just wanted to use me as a sex toy. And that friends that I have gained only became my friends since coming out. Where a few months ago they wouldn't have given me the time of day. And I'm feeling that its just because I'm trans that they want to be friends. So I'm still sitting at home alone every night or going out by myself just as I was before. Even if I have been trying to make an effort to socialize with people. And my old friends don't have anything to do with me now. Where you could say then they were never true friends but at least it was something. And now I'm feeling more isolated then I was before from people and its driving me crazy.

I mean at this point I'm just confused at what I should really do. If I had to make a choice right now I'd say stop altogether and go back to living as a male. And really wish right now that I never started presenting as female at work. Because how can I go back to being a guy without embarrassing myself so badly and giving people even more to talk about? I mean I'd rather die then do that or at least never show up for work again. Along with that I have the hearing for my name change coming up in just a couple of weeks and I'm about to call and cancel it. Since I'm not sure at this point my commitment to having a feminine name.

Its just at this point I'm just unhappy plus embarrassed with myself. I look in the mirror and all I see is a guy with a wig and makeup on and that's what everyone else see's as well. And I really don't care to talk to anyone or be seen now since I'm really embarrassed and uncomfortable with myself. And tonight I'm really close to just going in guy mode on my three days off and see how I like it. I'm going to sleep on it tonight and see if my view changes tomorrow morning.

Sorry for the long post but thank you for reading.     

I am not familiar with details of Your situation, but from reading Your post I somehow got impression that either things were hurried up or You were pushed to do them at timeline You had little control over (was that Your therapist, perhaps?). If it makes You feel stressed, depressed and anxious - I would suggest to take a pause and re-assess what You have done so far, what do You like and what makes You anxious.
You mentioned going back to living as a guy and doing guy-ish things. That is not the same - You can still the same things as You did and gender does not really matter (unless it was about getting drunk and passing out in the middle of the street after tearing down a couple of road-signs and knocking out a squad of law-enforcement officials). Well, kiddin' aside - You said You were recently gendered as male - how did that make You feel? I dont need the answer - it is the question for Yourself and if You will go back living as the guy, that will be Your everyday reality. Also, people pick up a lot of subconscious cues - if You were feeling very low and depressed, it showed everywhere - Your face, skin tone, body language... And if You were feeling that way, You were clearly uncomfortable in Your skin - and people did pick that up.
Now, my main advice would be - not make any rushed decisions. You are (apparently) not ready for full-time - and it's been like a couple of months on HRT for You? I was not ready for FT when I had been two years and I never really made that switch - it was all about gradual changes and adjustments, seeing how they looked and worked (and most importantly - what DID NOT work) and how other people reacted and responded. All those small things did not make extra stress and they were combined over extended period of time, so I grew into them naturally. I am not suggesting that You do the same, but maybe give some thought about this kind of approach, discuss if with Your therapist (if You have any - I did not, so i invented it all by myself) and maybe this would also help with reducing Your anxiety?

I'm sorry that you're going though such a hard. You gotta do what makes you happy. The average person is not gonna understand what you want. Only you can decide that for yourself. I know when people talk about someone who is trans, they will often says he, I mean she, I mean it. It's not always because they are being negative, but it's more like they can't understand or don't realize that they're being very hurtful. If you want to be presented as a woman, you have to be strong. When someone calls you sir, you have to correct them and tell them you prefer miss. Otherwise they're just gonna think it's okay. And kids will always make fun of the things they don't understand. it's just how they are. It just sounds like you gotta do some more soul searching and figure out what you really want.

And on a side note. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss your new friend that just came out. I've been in hiding of the girl inside for such a long time. They prolly couldn't admit wanting to be friends with you. I noticed in college I stayed away from making gay friends. I assumed it was because I didn't want other people thinking I was gay too. But now I realized I allowed myself to be more feminine around them, and I was so desperate to hide it. I think I missed out on a lot of potential friends.

Certainly a cold can have a negative impact on self esteem, issues of gender do take a back seat when you are unwell.

You've been full time for less than a month? Can I ask if you are on HRT and if so, for how long?

Are the concerns you have mostly that you feel you don't present the way you would like to present as a woman? Or is there something else at work?

If you a feeling a bit overwhelmed it may be that you need to give things a bit of time to settle. If you've been at this less than a month it is really no time at all. I have to say it took me 9-12 months to feel totally settled in and I had a fairly bump free transition. I you haven't been on HRT long, likewise, give it time to do its thing - at least 12 months for some things, 2 years for others. None of this falls into place overnight - while you don't want to make a mistake abut this you also need to sort out what is causing your feelings of doubt. Is it just the difficulty of everything or is there something more fundamental? Maybe transition isn't for you and maybe it is, but you need to sort that out.

I guess the thing is that transition is not easy, it is a lot of hard work. Presenting in public and at home as the gender you identify as is a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week proposition. It's not until you start to live that way that you realise there are a lot of nuances and little things that you had no clue about. Keep in mind that women have had all their life to prepare for their daily life, they make it look easy because they've been socialised that way. Plus of course they haven't had to deal with testosterone for their adolescence and their adult life. On top of that, society isn't really geared towards women and it can be a struggle at the best of times, being a trans woman even more so.

So yes, it is possible you are feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. It's always important to transition when you think you are ready but sometimes people go a bit earlier or ind themselves in deeper than they expected.  But this is part of what Real Like Experience is about, testing the water and seeing if it really is what you want. Please discuss it more with your counsellor because the last thing you want to do is make a mistake.

Quote from: RavenL on August 19, 2015, 02:07:35 AM
I originally wasn't going to post anything but I'm kind of in a spot right now.

As most of you know here I've been close to full time for almost on month now. For about the first two weeks everything was pretty much alright for me and no complaints. But now I'm having major doubts on my commitment at the moment. And this has been going on for about two weeks now at first just a little thought and nothing more. And thought well its because I did have a really bad cold and adjusting to a new work schedule. And I did bring this feelings up with my therapist last week and we both agreed that being sick combined with some extra stress might be the problem.

But now for the past three or four days its pretty much all that I'm thinking about now is not wanting to do this. I'm feeling horrible and unhappy and even worse then I was a few months ago as a guy. While I might have depression really right now presenting as female is making me really unhappy. To the point right now I wish that somehow the clock could go back a few months to where this never happened. I have been trying my best to better myself also along the way but now at this point I really don't care. I'm starting to realize this might not be the best decison at the moment for me. Its becoming to much to try to look presentable and don't know if I care to do it. And now I'm starting to realize how good I did have things before as a guy. And its not helping that for the past two weeks I've been getting misgendered and even got called sir in my face three times this week. And had two stupid little kids walk past me and whisper I was a guy. It shouldn't bother me but it is since I have been trying to put a lot of work into myself and now its falling apart. And a couple weeks ago I got gendered right everytime and now its just sir or I get weird looks and really don't care to deal with it.

I know that meeting with other trans people might help me out. But the one group that does meet is always on my work days. And I've only met two trans people so far and both just wanted to use me as a sex toy. And that friends that I have gained only became my friends since coming out. Where a few months ago they wouldn't have given me the time of day. And I'm feeling that its just because I'm trans that they want to be friends. So I'm still sitting at home alone every night or going out by myself just as I was before. Even if I have been trying to make an effort to socialize with people. And my old friends don't have anything to do with me now. Where you could say then they were never true friends but at least it was something. And now I'm feeling more isolated then I was before from people and its driving me crazy.

I mean at this point I'm just confused at what I should really do. If I had to make a choice right now I'd say stop altogether and go back to living as a male. And really wish right now that I never started presenting as female at work. Because how can I go back to being a guy without embarrassing myself so badly and giving people even more to talk about? I mean I'd rather die then do that or at least never show up for work again. Along with that I have the hearing for my name change coming up in just a couple of weeks and I'm about to call and cancel it. Since I'm not sure at this point my commitment to having a feminine name.

Its just at this point I'm just unhappy plus embarrassed with myself. I look in the mirror and all I see is a guy with a wig and makeup on and that's what everyone else see's as well. And I really don't care to talk to anyone or be seen now since I'm really embarrassed and uncomfortable with myself. And tonight I'm really close to just going in guy mode on my three days off and see how I like it. I'm going to sleep on it tonight and see if my view changes tomorrow morning.

Sorry for the long post but thank you for reading.     

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this, I tried advise you to proceed with caution before you went full time, because you didn't seem to be far enough along in your transition. Unfortunately there is a major cheerleading problem in the trans community, and a lot of people will tell you what you want to hear; some gender therapists are guilty of this too, since you are paying them.  My advice is that if this is not working for you right now, then it is perfectly ok to take a step back, give HRT more time to work, and then transition again when you are ready. Best wishes.

I'm FTM,  not MTF, so I may be coming from the wrong direction. I'm all into being the best, which us a curse as much as a great driver.  That includes being the best FTM, eve but what I have to remind myself is that I'm working towards being the best me ever. Not the best FTM. And that means figuring out how much machismo is really me and how much is extreme to prove a point to  myself. I have to remember that not every guy is full blown masculine and for me to aim for that is me aiming for a characature.  Not sure this is you at all, but I catch myself at it all the time and have to remind myself to dial it back and be true to myself instead of a stereotype.

Now that I managed to get my head cleared up this morning, along with some advice from a friend. So feel like I've kind of gotten some of my thoughts a little clearer.

Emily, If anyone hurried things up it was me. While I think my therapist can kind of take a small part of the blame also but most of it falls on me. But I pretty much felt fine presenting female from day one. And going back into guy mode made me hugely depressed to the point were random strangers would comment that I looked really sad. As a female I've gotten comments that I'm sassy and pretty confident looking. And have gotten comments from strangers that I look good.

When I got gendered as male this week I absolutely hated it! I was at work at the time and pretty much ran straight to the bathroom and almost started crying. Mostly since I did my makeup different that day and a new hair style and had a couple customers tell me I looked cute and a lot of my coworkers tell me I looked great. And then to get shot down later on that day really ruined it for me. But you are right I did some thinking back to that day and week and I was feeling really kind of low that day. Mostly since I made the mistake of commenting on another website about trans issues. And got told some really really nasty things and it really got under my skin, which I shouldn't have let it. So I think people were picking up on that and that's were my problem really started. And for whatever reason I've held on to that feeling for five days now. Where before ever where I went I acted like I belonged there as Dena would say.

As for HRT well I haven't started it yet. I've had a hard time finding an endo and there's only one near me that's trans friendly and I'm having to wait till November for an appointment. The only other option is another one with the same wait time but having to go ten times as far. As for not being ready for full time really at this point maybe I'm not. But I'm fully out at work now as female and presenting and as I've said I don't know how it would reflect on me as a person to switch genders all the sudden. Plus I don't care to lose my job since I'm pretty comfortable as far as money goes right now.   

Yakayla, You are completely right on being called sir. When I told my friends at work about it everyone told me I should have corrected them right away and made them embarrassed and not me. And yeah I should not let kids bother me and really what should I care? If I'm happy and they will forget about it in a few minutes anyway.

As for the person that just came out maybe I didn't word it right, really shouldn't type this stuff out after being up for twenty hours should I? I was actually shopping last week and had what I thought was a guy come up to me and get told they were trans also. Which really caught me off guard since I've never been clocked right in my face. I was kind of embarrassed but chatted for a couple of minutes. I did get her number and we agreed to maybe meet up next week for coffee or something. I did send a text later on that week and at first thought this was someone I might hang out with. Till I got sent almost nude pictures So I didn't care to talk anymore at that point.

Ms Grace, I think the cold really did hit me harder then I'd like to admit. Its been two and a half weeks now and I think I'm finally over it and can smell again.

I'll be full time for a month this Saturday, and as I posted above no HRT yet waiting for the endo appointment.

As I'm writing all of this out I feel like my thoughts are becoming a little clearer on what my biggest issues are. Everyday of the week I always make myself look presentable when either I'm going out shopping or just to work. And like to take pride in my appearance. I haven't had any issues in public outside of work presenting as female and I believe I know the answer why. I always wear a skirt or dress on my days off and never pants and a nice pair of flats or boots. But at my job I'm pretty much stuck with khaki pants and a navy shirt. And it makes me feel super unfeminine while wearing those. While I do have the option to wear skirts as well. Not that sure how crawling on the floor and unloading trucks would work out! So that is another thing that people might be picking up on that I don't like I feel or look. And really I just have to accept that's what I have to wear and its no big deal.

I guess the thing is that transition is not easy, it is a lot of hard work. Presenting in public and at home as the gender you identify as is a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week proposition. It's not until you start to live that way that you realise there are a lot of nuances and little things that you had no clue about. Keep in mind that women have had all their life to prepare for their daily life, they make it look easy because they've been socialised that way. Plus of course they haven't had to deal with testosterone for their adolescence and their adult life. On top of that, society isn't really geared towards women and it can be a struggle at the best of times, being a trans woman even more so.

As for all the work that goes into presenting as a woman. I actually do mind it in fact I enjoy it a lot. I don't mind putting makeup on at all and enjoy experimenting with different styles. And finally got to the point wear eyeliner doesn't make me look like a racoon. And I do enjoy shopping for clothes and trying to match styles even if it take an hour. Where before as male I'd just get it over with as fast as possible as long as it fits. And I am finding that society isn't really geared towards women let alone trans at the moment. And have kind of experienced that from some of my coworkers but now I'm starting to stand up for myself and haven't been having as much trouble. But there is still a lot of work to be done yet.


I really thank you ladies for all your help and advice reading over this and writing this out has really helped me. And I feel like my head is a lot clearer now.

Edit good thing I checked replies before posting this!

kittenpower, I do agree that cheerleading is a problem. But I've decided that I'm not going to back down and have reflected on everything that has made me happy. And at least at this point I'm not miserable twenty four hours a day like I was a few months ago. I'll freely admit to anyone at the rate I was going I most likely would have been dead this year. I was drinking heavily and eating really unhealthy and pretty sure a heart attack was in my future. And at least in the past few months I've had more good/great days then bad. I do admit I've dumped a lot of stuff on myself all at once and my mind is still trying to catch up.


Chris, I don't believe I've ever talked to you on here so nice to meet you! What you say working towards being the best me ever is what I originally started out doing. And somewhere along the way I started trying to judge my appearance to be honest unrealistic standards. And like you I have to remember that not every woman is full blown feminine. I do see females every day that I know I look better then and need to remind myself of that and be happy. Like you I need to be true to myself and just be happy.     

Wow, that's a lot of text feel like I'm back in high school. Hope everyone doesn't mind reading! Thanks again everyone!

Raven,

I have been reading most of your posts since you geared up. You inspired me with how quickly you moved forward and embraced the new you.(I am a bit of a slow poke) I am sorry you went through this period of time. It sounds terrible.

I can only hope/wish you find the journey that is right for you. Sometimes a good sleep. cry and rant can help.

At the same time I hope you don't feel embarrassed for any choice you make at this point.

Please continue to call out for help when you need it. There are so many of us that are right on the border of so many things(pretty descriptive, I know).... I think at least 80 percent of us are 1/2 step or breath away from being "There"; from "there but for the grace of..."(whoever it is to you ).

I hope you find clarity, love and a smoother journey.
With warmth,

Joanna

Johanna glad I've been some help to you. It makes it worth it for me now. And I like to hope that I've helped out other people as well.

Today has been really good for me so far. I spent almost an hour trying to figure out what clothes I wanted to wear today[emoji1] Also took a nice warm bath which was welcomed. And then spent more time then I should doing makeup. And enjoyed every second of it.

And really just to prove to myself that I am passable as female I'm at the mall right now. And haven't got one strange look. Well I did catch an old guy looking at my legs at the gas station. No bad comments at all. Apart from a hair lady telling me my hair style doesn't look good and that I should straighten it. I should have told her that might set me in fire. I just told her I liked how it was.

But I'm acting confident and like I belong and not having in trouble. So next time when this happens again I need to tell myself to sit back and relax it's going to get better.

Sent from my SM-N900T using Tapatalk

Hugs to you Raven!  It is tough when you start out 24/7.  I have had my ups and downs through out the last couple of months but not to the point that I have second guessed my decision to transition.  I just read through this today and it hit home after my day yesterday.  I got him'd and he'd by a number of people yesterday, more than I have had since going full time a couple months ago.  So what was different?  These are the same people I work with everyday and they hadn't been having a problem gendering me correctly.  I am chalking it up to trying a different hair style and wearing slacks.  Those two things must have been enough to throw those normally reliable people off. 

Hang in there girl.  I know it can be tough at times but at least your making the transition while you are young.  I've been like you and I am on the very fast track but I am doing it because I have lost so much of my life by not facing up to my issues.  I have gone from starting counseling in February, starting HRT in March, Trach shave in April, Name and Gender change in May, 24/7 full time in June and have scheduled FFS and breast augmentation in a week and a half.  I haven't had any second thoughts, yet, but I know that it can happen at any moment.   

Thank you for putting this out here so that it can be of help to others who have the same issues.  I admire your strength and courage and as you grow into your new identity you will get even stronger.  The future is ours for the making girl.  Make it a fantastic one.

Jessie, I have noticed with slacks on people look at me a lot different. I really don't have the average guy body and am more on the curvy side so I might be confusing people. Plus I have start wearing a different hairstyle which is silly but I think that was throwing me off as well. Since I've been worried about it for the past week if it looked right. And its funny I went into my work today just to shop with a denim dress on today same makeup same hairstyle and hardly anyone recognized me at first. So I guess clothing does play a big part in it. One nice thing a lady I've known for four years said I looked like a model and told me to watch my weight and keep my figure!

I'm going to keep this courage up and I'll admit I've bottled some feeling up and shouldn't let them pour out all at once like I did yesterday.

I do plan to hang in there with my transition since I'm still young 27 in October. I don't care to go back to my old life and just be that guy sitting drinking mountain dews, eating pizza and playing video games all day long. I want to be the girl that likes to go out and chat with people and enjoy life. And I actually did that today while at the mall. I was waiting in line and the cashier had a more masucline voice then me but was still a super cute girl. So I just talked to her the entire time and it did not come across as awkward or forced.

Hang in there Raven, you're doing a great job girl.

I may still be pre-everything but quite a few of the feelings you described feel familiar. I know you can do it. Just go at your own pace and try to remember that while feelings & moods do fluctuate a lot you should try to feel confident.

Hugs

*
RavenL:

Congratulations on your first month.

Your picture that you posted appears to be quite a presentable, attractive young female.  You are doing well!

You post that you are 26 years old.  I can recall where I was in my transition at age 26 and I was nervous as well.  I remained focused to my goal while making small, accountable steps along the way.

Counsellors are good; remain with yours if you are making progress.

Please allow my two cents worth having walked this road and paved part of this path for you to follow.

Find a way to meet with your trans support group - whether individually or as the group. If your current group can't meet your needs (meet other days to accommodate your work schedule), then seek another.  If you are near Albuquerque, there should be more support groups - browse for them on-line - make friends with members of those groups - meet on your schedule one-on-one.  I lived at Ramah and found a friendly physician at Gallup; that was 1977 - 1978.

I feel your pain.  I was engaged in feminine protesting since at least age 3; no one was surprised at my change yet I lost my entire family - immediate and extended.  My closest 'friends' abandoned me.  I did not do that 'c-w-d' scene as your new 'friends' are seeking of you.  I got involved with volunteer groups and charities; I made friends from those experiences.  So, after work or on weekends, consider finding those extra-curricular activities to expand your circle.  You are under no obligation to tell anyone about your self unless you feel comfortable following a time; otherwise it's your business and not theirs.

Work with friendly females who can be honest with you and teach you how to improve your appearance where you want to make improvements.  Practise in the private comforts of your home - wardrobe, make-up, perfume, mannerisms, walking, talking, etc.  Look at yourself in the mirror a your try new things.  Record yourself for your review.

Unfortuneately, there will be boors out there who try rattling your nerves; ignore them.  Women get those same rude comments for the same crude reasons.  Counselling and support will work you through those moments; work with your friends.  I experienced a constant barrage of 'She's a he. No, he's a she.' at work for seven years.  I wanted to shrink up and crawl in a hole; instead I walked past those 'people' with my head head high. Honestly, Raven, I look back at that time beginning 35 years ago and I wonder how I survived, but I did and here I am +30 years post-transition, post-op, female full-time.  Yes, I still hurts; I am the better person out of that arrangement.

Presentation and perception is part of transition - 'passing the 'passing' test'.  I acquired my all-female uni-sex wardrobe (jeans, top, shoes, sox) by 1979.  For example, I could wear the same uni-sex female attire: 

     -  If I presented as male, then others perceived me as male.

     -  If I presented as female, others perceived me as female.

Maybe not 100% but enough to where I found confidence from those who made the correct identification.  Here's the kicker.  You are likely noticing when impolite 'people' make bad remarks while you are presenting as female.  There are probably others doing the same but in the opposite - when you were presenting as male and they commented of you as female.  Think about that - the latter circumstances would please you as much as the former circumstances hurt you.

Other examples were among my final proofs that I 'passed my 'passing' test'.  I was doing my best to present as male at work where I was employed as male, yet strangers - frequently men - called me 'Miss' or mistook me for female.  People on the telephone who did not know me called me 'Miss' because my voice did not change.  Noticing these little acts will go a long way to boost your internal satisfaction.

You are learning the negative practicalities of the differences of the sexes - discrimination.  Men will lop off 100 points from your IQ score.  They will call you obscene names and speak in rough terms.  You will face discrimination at work; you might be denied pay raises or job promotions because you are female.  If you try changing employment, prospective employers will direct you to their clerical pool, not their professional positions for which you might be qualified.  Yes, at some point you will need to decide for yourself how to balance your female identity imperative to the comforts of male privilege; you might find a positive decision or settle for a worst case scenario.

Your description of your work environment sounds horrid; not really unusual, sad to say.  Your co-workers will continue speaking against you regardless of what you do, so do only what you want to do that is best for you.  If that also means separating from that employ, then resolve that possibility. Looking back, I can see that I had a prime opportunity to change from male to female at work when my supervisor mistakenly accused me of being a female working there as a male; I now see how that was a perfect cue for my situation that I should have arrived at work the next day as female.  I'm writing this to you to encourage you to examine your options - you may come upon an unexpected surprise.

Allow me to add this epiphany moment.  I had been female full-time post- since 1985; yet there I was on vacation at Port Orford, Oregon, when it really hit me.  I took a side glance at the bathroom mirror and realised I saw a women in the reflection.  It was not the first time - but it was that Ah-ha! time.  I scanned her from head to toe and every aspect of her was correct.  You, dear Raven, are barely one month in transition.  Please understand that you and your mind will hold that male image for a few years.  It might take deliberate efforts to see yourself as female in your mirror.  As I wrote at the beginning of this, you are a very attractive, young women in the picture that you post here.

Emily made very good points - she transitioned at parts of her life.  So too did I; I did not simply go to sleep one night as my male predecessor and awake the next morning as Sharon and female.  I went to work as male,  I attended church as male,  I had friends as male.  Then there were times I went grocery shopping as female, filled up the gasoline tank as female, walked the hallways of familiar places as female (where they knew me as male), attended a Christmas event as female (where the people knew me as male), bought postage stamps at the Post Office as female.  People made no identification of me as other than female during those female parts of my life.  As with Emily's part-time transitioning, my part-time mode occurred from 1979 to 1985 - that's six years and I marked each day, week, month, and year as a success as I progressed more to female and eliminated male.

Yakayla makes very good point in her first paragraph.  Re-read her post.  Likewise, the others also made very good points.  We are here for you.

Take care  -  Enjoy!  -  HUGGSS

*

Its a natural human reaction. When we start soething new we get carried on a wave of enthusiasm, we even have a word for it, the honeymoon period, when it seems things cant go wrong. Then that ends and reality bites home and often we swing the other way seeing all the problems - and perhaps thinking we should give up.

Eventually after several oscilations too and fro we find an equlibrium - and then and only then the change becomes real and permanent.

This happens whether you are transitioning, starting a new job, starting a new relationship,,getting married, or even as I am training for a new carreer. The trick is to anticipate your feelings and not get thrown off course by them. So acknowledge their validity and let them pass. Find your new equilibrium and move onwards.

Quote from: FriendsCallMeChris on August 19, 2015, 11:48:12 AM
and be true to myself instead of a stereotype.

Amen brother!

Hi Raven,
I can really feel your pain from what you posted, and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.
I'm sure being sick isn't helping things. Take a day at a time and get plenty of rest and some extra vitamins. When you're feeling better you'll be more clear headed to make decisions.
Don't ever think of yourself as a man in a wig. You know in your heart what gender you are, so don't beat yourself up with doubt or feel less than anyone else. Nobody asks for the cards they're dealt and we just got to deal with them the best we can. You are good enough as you are and you are a valuable and important person.
If you're struggling with padding right now, part could be your own negative feelings...people pick up on them. Think female, know female, and accept nothing less about yourself...just psych yourself up. Bio-women get wrongly outed too so remember that and let this stuff go.
It's a very hard time in transition. It gets easier but only you know how dedicated you are to it. For me there was no other choice but to do it. If you're unsure, there's nothing wrong with de-transitioning...where I had my SRS one of the guest house workers decided to de-transition shortly after I was there...she had seemed like everything was ok but I guess she had issues and didn't want to pursue transition anymore...matter of fact, I was supposed to share a hospital room but my roommate cancelled surgery for the 3rd time after flying in. Nobody should do anything they're not totally comfortable with.
I hope that when you're feeling better you'll be able to get more clarity on where you want to go.
Hugs, JS


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Quote from: Tessa James on August 20, 2015, 05:52:11 PM
Amen brother!

Thanks Katleyn and Kelly!

And Sharon wow that is one great post!

I'll just touch on a few points that you made. I have so much I want to write but afraid I might end up making a novel!

I am trying to find groups to meet up with right now. But I'm probably going to wait a few months right now. To be honest this year before throwing away the old me I let a lot of stuff go and I'm trying to get everything put back together. The biggest change I've done is almost completely redoing my entire house. So now it is looking warm in inviting and not cold and sterile like before.

I did reach out to a few of my friends and one is planning a trip to the mall with me maybe next week. Also kind of small but one friend added me to a closed group on Facebook that's just about eyelash styles. Small but it helps that she thinks of me as female and trying to help me out.   

I've really been practicing stuff while at home also. And usually take an hour or so just to try different makeup styles some times during the night. Also making sure to use my higher voice at all times even while talking to my cats! One thing that made me happy last night is I'm crossing my legs without even realizing it.

I did have one thing that kind of almost bothered me today. While going to my therapist today some workers were doing some work on an outside building. And they stopped talking as I walked by  and watched me and a few seconds later I heard them laugh. Almost got upset but then I realized are they laughing at me or sharing some dirty joke about me and see me as female? So I didn't let myself get upset and even if they knew I was trans so what? I'm never going to see them again in my life most likely.

For my work right now its not horrid but not great. One big part is the manager of the store really let the place go and got the option to seek a better job. So a new store manager is coming this week and I've known her for four years and pretty sure stuff is going to improve pretty quickly. One good thing is my position is pretty new it hasn't been in effect for a month yet. And  there are three other guys the hold the same position and they see me as the leader and the one to come to. I think it helps that they really didn't know me really as a male. So most of the trouble I get from those I worked with for a long time. I really don't want to leave since I've worked my way up from a temp worker all the way to management at this point. And anywhere else I'd go I'll end up making half of what I'm making an hour right now. 

Sharon you've really helped me out big time with that post. I'd write more but I'm afraid it would turn into a book. But I'm going to remember so much of what you told me thank you!

Rejennyrated honeymoon is a good way to describe it. Some of the stuff has finally hit home for me and I guess my mind has finally caught up with me.

Also I like your idea of finding equilibrium and feel like I am starting on that path. Really today I just went out and was myself and kept negative thoughts at bay.

januarysunshine Thankfully I haven't been sick for almost two weeks now. It just hung around forever with stuff in my throat and a stuffy nose. Which did cause me to worry about my voice since I sounded horrible! But I'm 100% better now and can finally smell!

As for thinking female and psyching myself up that's something I thought about today. No matter how a cisfemale looks she never doubts herself and I need to do the same thing. I'm female and like you said not a dude in a wig and as a got told today I looked super passable.

So again I really thank everyone for all this great advice. And I've pretty much gone through and have been reading each reply three to four times each!

I just wanted to add a few other things that happened today. I really opened up to my therapist today and he could tell that I was still kind of bothered by it. And like its been pointed out here reality is kind of sinking in for me. Yes its hard being female and there are great and not so great parts. And I'm starting to realize that but he doesn't see me deciding to go back to the old me. And one thing we did touch on was kind of my low self esteem I do get. Which I did some thinking on and some of it might have been my father's fault. Since he always told me I would never do anything right or succeed in life. I think getting that hammered into my head for eighteen years didn't help me out any. So that is something I do need to work on.

I did kind of have a realization yesterday while at the mall. While walking by I guess a barber shop one guy was talking rather loudly how bad *** he looked and another guy was agreeing. And I thought you know that's not me or how I want to act. Not male bashing or anything if you are happy that's all that matters.

It did make me super happy today when I went shopping today and got called ma'am by the clerk. Also went into like four different stores and never got a strange look or comment. I acted confident and didn't let anything negative try to come over me.

Sorry for the book I wrote 

Wow raven, you can realy write, thats a compliment, because you are writing a book, each post you make is another chapter of  "a day in the life of raven" I enjoy reading your journey.

over here, clerks dont realy sir or ma'am us, they just smile and ask how they can help. And at the check out they say next, look for the person walking towards them, and smile, wait for us to hand them our stuff, add it all up and say (price) please. then we pay.

But I can understand that feeling of being gendered corectly,

The first time I went into a store, I spent like you said you do maybe an hour walking up and down the isles, then I see somthing I like, and then look for somthing to go with it. So I chose an outfit in store for the first time (second time out), goes to the check out with my friend, Everything went as ussual untill the woman see's the shoes I choose, she sparked up a conversation, that she likes them but preffered the TAN ones, They ask me if ther was any of those ones left, I say I couldn't remember seeing any. (a bit more talking as she was adding my stuff up) I was a cupple of pound to short, so I asked my friend who came with me if i could borrow it to save paying on my card.

I had also offered to buy a top for my friend that she seemed to like, the top was about the same price as how much I was short, so my friend joked and said does that mean She was buying her own top, the woman looked at her, and my fiend felt the need to exsplan what she ment, but she misgendered me saying "Oh he offered to buy me a top for the same amount".

Now I didnt hear the misgender but, my friend and the woman simultainiusly took in what my friend had just said, my friend went white and felt realy, realy bad almost comming to tears and begging for forgivness. And the woman was genuinly surprised and said she would never of guessed and still couldnt tell. so yeah when you can tell your taken for your gender without effort, it does make you feel happy