People are one moment so "supportive" and the next day they want you hung as an example.
So I am "over" people, they annoy me, so much. Went through persons who tried to convert me and make it seem as if I were just a confused male who just needed to do this that and the other in order to "restore some balance". I also went through an unwanted detransition and have had a difficult time to readjust and catch up to myself, let alone how much I have moved around and the situation I am in. You know how it seems most of us want to normal average citizens able to explore and do as we please within boundaries.. Well I get the flip the coin from both sides, no privacy at all, and these people make it seem as if they are about morals and respect. One moment rah rah this, and the next trying to hook me up like some desperate stray cat that needs a helping hand, like I am a project of some kind. I am sexualized and constantly tainted, even the simple can turn into some PTSD perversion and stress trigger of worry just because it has been a constant everyday and night meeting, like I am normal and I get over everything being in a normal situation but no no... I was so average and normal, now I need time alone and away from the situation simply just that.. How could you get your mind off of being set up, observed and projected upon.
Even the "help" is fire to the fuel and as much draining as the rest of it. View my timeline and you will know.. I could be around anyone and everything.. Sure I had private interest but never came to mind or thought in the streets.. Only with friends you know those days and nights you all just get raunchy!
Normal.. My timeline speaks, now I am cray.. Maybe you wanted too much, did too much, spoke and publicized toooooo much ya know?
Is it weird that I seem forced to be in the light of others, as if my interest and curiosities should be mainstream, showtime or for an public audience. Sigh, normal people problems please? Then I want to get into college which I genuinely was interested in but treated like meat it is as if I have no say so as to what I should do with my life.
I will never, and cannot stand the idea of being a billboard model. A solid belief that as transwomen or men we are put out as our looks, as if that is all that our transition is which is the most misleading idea most people can have. Just how not one transgender person can speak for every transgender person, same identity or not. Especially since passing is such a HUGE STANDARD forced onto everyone, I cannot stand the idea of being just another face or body. Young men, young women, peers, and the late bloomers face the pressure to be this and that. Sure passing is its own and myself I eventually will, but a peanut gallery was never my dream. I find beauty within myself internal as well as my human flesh but why is it such a huge push to make me commercial. It is not every individuals desire or goals to be famous or well known, and if you know this pseudo new age religion that to me personally follows closely to Christianity or Catholics.. Does infuse more attributes but this star adult bs kills me and is more detrimental to my life more than it has been beneficial>
The last that I want to do is be around people, I have a great roommate at the shelter, and I hope she does not find out how I feel about her being great, so weird once people know you like them.. Though she knows, but you know!
People think I want to live with others, I left my house and went for a career in massage therapy to pay my own bills and rent an apartment, study in college, and drift into any esoteric interest I wanted.
Nothing I have done was to please others or for mass appeal, but these egos of who I am, where I should go and how I should do it just runs my life.
Community, I do my best to make order in my life but it is only so unbalanced because others make it that way, my way or feel the pain.
I have grown much more intelligent and wise within myself, even to accept the simple that going through a hormonal transition and altering my chemistry has proven to be one of the most healthy influences I have had upon myself.
I am the most happy I have ever been, but at the same time just NUMB to my surroundings. A job and a place is all I want now, and through it all not one person has met with me to have a mundane conversation with me, you can go the extra nine yards, spend time and money but you cannot even hold a face to face conversation with me. Insane, insane..
I have time, my transition is the most I care about. I eat, sleep, heal myself and take my mones.. Simple. & this time saving money so I can have that three dollars in order to get the next month, you know I just can but cannot complain..
Why not just find someone else? Why not just get over it huh? What else is there really?
I just gave you the entire run down pretty much. Maybe they cannot stand that I accept that I was once living as a male but always identified as a woman. Now I am embracing the woman I am but balancing out my past of who I once forced myself to be and at times could auto pilot.. Tomboy, nah just working out the rough edges, feeling myself out.. Will take some time, sorry for the bass in my speech..
I even naturally with the transition feel genuinely content! Do not confuse me or project! Projection sucks because I can be masculine within myself still, which to me is a part of it all, but I can whiplash at how much I still perceive myself as male as if I have not changed at all!!!
A woman finally shedding her male armor, sure I could perform duties and assignments but I do MUCH better this way!
Also new age is crazy and waaaaaaay over peoples heads, reason ancient societies actually restricted information and only distrusted to those who were mature and worthy.. Get ready, egos and prickly sticks up the arse!
I ride solo...
