Been here over a year? Relate to your first post?

[Ms Grace]

So I was having a look at my first post on the forum...

Hi folks!

My name is Grace - not legally for a few more months yet but that's what I'm aiming for. I've been on HRT for just over four months now and am progressing (and developing!) very well so far.

This is actually my second tilt at transition, the first time being for just over two years in the late 80s early 90s. Without going into the gory details that attempt was a bit of an emotional disaster - had a number of supportive friends but probably wasn't getting the best mental health support, not that there was all that much around in Sydney at the time. I never quite fully transitioned (which in itself was a major form of confusion for friends) even though I was passing quite well by the time 26 months had passed.

Annnnyway, long story short I decided to give it up and tried to convince myself that since I was born physically male I just needed to accept it and live as a "man". 22 years of self-denial later I FINALLY, at age 46, admitted that I was kidding myself... I so desperately wanted to be female that to ignore it any longer was not possible. A few months passed as I sought out the appropriate supports, shrinks and medical boffins and I was able to start on HRT back in June and now... here I am!

Whilst I'm still living and presenting as male I'm happier than I have been in a long, long time. I'm dealing with what was left of my beard following the first attempt and hoping that I can use Regaine to coax my scalp back to life (early signs are very encouraging on that front). We're heading into summer in Sydney (where the temp can sometimes reach mid-30C/90F and humidity becomes quite unpleasant) and I don't fancy wigging it for the next 5 months so I've decided to hold off on full transition at least until April 2014... stay tuned!

Hope that didn't sound like too much a tale of woe, I'm mostly positive and happy to be helpful and even to talk about where things went "wrong" the first time.

Looking forward to meeting everyone on this forum!

...and realised I didn't really relate to that person very much. I mean, I came to the forum in a fairly good frame of mind, all things considered... I was on my way and knew where I wanted to go, even if I didn't fully know where that would take me - I can hear myself in those words but it really doesn't feel like me. I think it's the line "I'm still living and presenting as male" that does my head in... was that really me?? That post was almost two years ago, I feel I've come a long way and transition has been a mostly positive trip so far.

For those who have been here over a year, do you relate to the person who wrote your first post or are they a total stranger?

[stephaniec]

"I think it would be so beautiful to have a mother daughter bond. My mother sadly died when I was very  young, I remember her caring for my injuries. She knew I had a problem with the clothes I was supposed to wear. It would of been such a beautiful experience if she could of taught me how to be a woman."  This is one of my first posts. I lost  a bunch of my first post because of a deletion, but its close. This is 20 months into HRT. and 0 months of HRT . I see that person , but don't really relate.

[LordKAT]

I know I made one, something about lurking first.  Not sure I want to go back that far and re-read it.

[Mariah]

Having a look back at my first original post on here and the only intro I ever made was under my first account since I didn't create and intro under the account I started when I returned. It seems like I was tense and all wound up still at this point which I can't relate to, but I do see me all over this first post and for that matter I wasn't full time at the point of this post too.

I have also been lurking for a bit and it is time that I introduce myself a bit. At a young age many surgeries were performed on my genitals. These surgeries were followed up by another when I was in the 4th grade. So as a result, I have known that I'm inter-sexed to some extent but never truly knew to the full extent that I am. Along with that all along I have always known I was female, yet stuck in this male body. My father, when he was alive, was not very happy that I would play with my sisters toys and not my own and that my interests were that of a females and not a males. It wasn't tell recently that I had the courage and strength to tell the doctor that I wanted to formally start my transition after 36 years of dealing with all of this. That I was willing to finally take the steps I need to be able to move forward with my life and get my mind, body, and soul all aligned with each other. One side affect is they are now finally willing to look back figure out what happened in the past to gain a better understanding of my case, which I wasn't even asking for them to do. All I know is once I made this decision and I stopped caring about what happened in the past it felt like a big weight was lifted off me. Deciding to move forward with my transition is something I should have done years ago, but I'm glad I decided to start recently instead of letting this continue to cause stress on my body.

and the first post I made on my current account when I returned. Now this post again I can see me, but I can't completely relate too either. Coming into transition I wanted things to happen quickly and NOW, but as I have gotten as far I have I have learned to not rush things and that it really is a marathon and not a sprint. To such a point that I have no plans on allowing them to move up my appointment for SRS by much, if any, if the offer to change dates came up. One thing is so hugely different from both of these posts tell now is that I take things in stride. I was anxious and nervous when I wrote the first post. I will anxious when I wrote the other one and impatient at the same time.

The waiting is huge one my book right now. I thought once the therapist wrote the letter opening up the gate for HRT that it wouldn't be a long wait before being on the hormones. Instead I'm having to wait at least 3 months to get to see the ENDO I'm being sent to for the first time. I have learned this par for the course, but the worst part of that this doctor requires his nurses to look over the chart before allowing an appointment to be scheduled. Not knowing when I'm going to hear from them is what is really been making me anxious lately. My therapist said she has seen it take anywhere from a few days to a month for them to schedule the first appointment with this particular ENDO.

Point is, I have come along ways and I think you will find that you have to for those that have been here over a year now too. Hugs
Mariah

[suzifrommd]

Really shows how far I've come:

I just joined this group. The first time I've done anything like this. I'm not sure I belong.

I mean, I'm male. I never thought I was anything else. I watch football, lift weights, think my wife is sexy, etc.

But...

I only seem to enjoy books, movies, and songs by and for women. All of my close friends are women and it's been that way all my adult life. I am much more comfortable in the company of women than I am with men. When I share my feelings about just about anything with men, they always seem uncomfortable, whereas women seem perfectly at ease with my manner of relating. I think if I had life to do over again and I could choose a side, I'd want to be a woman.

When I was a boy, I was teased a lot about my taste in music and TV shows. I was baffled at the time, but I realize now that they were, by and large, more of interest to girls than boys.

I don't fit the typical mold of a transsexual. Would you all be comfortable having me be part of your discussion?

[Devlyn]

I cringe because my early posts show how little I knew about this community, and indeed how little I knew about myself. 

Hi, I'm Tracey, I am here looking for answers to why I crossdress, MTF. I have read the site rules and TOS several times, I will behave myself and promise to be courteous to everyone. I can't post often, but I'm always reading the posts. Sincerely, Tracey

Wow, what a welcome wagon! Thanks to everyone who replied, and awwww,
Kate brought flowers! My name is Tracey and I'm an alcoholic......no
wait, wrong meeting! My story is a bit different, I am 49 and always
lived happily as a man except for one thing. I was constantly
misidentified as a woman. "Paper or plasic, miss?" or "I can take you
on aisle 5, ma'am" It drove me crazy. (I can hear all my crossdressing
sisters throwing their hands up in the air right now!) So last year
around this time I had this crazy idea that if I couldn't get the world
to see me as male, then maybe with a bit of effort I could tilt the
scales and really look female. So before you could say "Ebay" I had an
outfit at my door, from wig to shoes. I put it all on and wobbled to
the mirror in my first steps ever in high heels. I know that I looked
like a streetwalker, but to me I was staring into the eyes of a
complete stranger, a beautiful woman, and her eyes were saying "Yes,
it's me! I'm here!" Since then I try to be Tracey every weekend, even
if only for a few hours. I wish I had discovered her earlier in my life
but no matter, now we are together or one on this journey. Sorry I
rambled, sincerely, Tracey                            P.S. I will be 25
years sober on March 4th, 2011

Great topic!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Ms Grace]

I think my first post would have been very different had I joined at the point of my dysphoria meltdown about seven months earlier. I know I come across as pretty calm most of the time but wow I in a state of utter despair and turmoil back then. Would have made for a fairly gut wrenching first post.

[Mariah]

I think that is the key by the time some of us got to posting we had made it to a point that we were pretty much calm on the most part and were ready to move forward yet still had a lot of progress mentally to make too. I shutter think what a post even 2 months earlier from me would have looked like. Hugs
Mariah

I think my first post would have been very different had I joined at the point of my dysphoria meltdown about seven months earlier. I know I come across as pretty calm most of the time but wow I in a state of utter despair and turmoil back then. Would have made for a fairly gut wrenching first post.

[cindianna_jones]

In a thread labeled "I'm new here too" on June 30, 2006 I wrote:

My name is Cindianna. 

Cindi

Other than the fact that this is my pen name, nothing has changed for me personally other than I'm a decade older.

Cindianna Jones (cute huh?)

[Tessa James]

« on: January 13, 2013, 02:46:27 pm »
Hello,

This is my first post ever regarding my private mtf world.  I am 61 years old and have repressed/closeted my cross dressing and feelings of being feminine for way too long.  Now working with a therapist and local support group I am starting to transition again and am interested in your mtf experiences as a senior citizen.  If there is any lesson I can share it is that these feelings can be denied but they never have gone away.  I only wish I would have had the courage, like so many of you, to come out and get into transition decades ago.   I did come out as bisexual to myself as a teenager as that was as close a definition as I could find then for how I felt and behaved.
Like so many of us, I knew before age 5 and relished in the attention my big sister gave me as a "girl."   She gave me my girl name and she and my older brother assured me if I acted like and played with girls I would BE a girl.  I was profoundly disappointed that they were wrong and I became more masculine in puberty and never felt like a real boy or man.  Years of being a closeted genderqueer are OVER and I know I can never go back.  But where is forward going to?
Now I worry it is too late for me to work thru any meaningful change even though I am thrilled at the possibilities before me.

Your thoughts, ideas and experience are solicited,

Tessa

I was sooo worried about making this change.  As is too often heard; if only I knew how good this could be!!!

[HoneyStrums]

How do i find my first post?

I have started Three, thread in my entire time as a member on this sight?

One recently about my blood pressure, another quite some time ago, wonderig why my donation wasnt the amount i donated, and one erley on, Requesting a private chat, to save a problemb I had triggering people?

And given that a thread is updated with aditional replies, I cant seem to find my First post?

[Mariah]

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?action=profile;u=33945;area=showposts;start=820
That will take you to the posts.
Here is the first post you had.

So this is the "I say some things about me, and you complain about my grammer space" So first things first, my name is Victoria I live in England and ever since I can remember Iv always felt like I exist in the wrong body, I'm a pre hormone, pre op, transsexual? I question this because I'm still not sure that transexual is the right word for me. I used to look in the mirror and scrutinise myself looking for signs that might exsplain and/or justify how I felt. My erlyest memory however was being my big sisters dolly. Yes I enjoyed playing dress up with my sisters :p. Anyway school puberty/hell ever increasing depression, yada yada, Then Last year at 26. I came to the point that I could no longer go on living what felt like a lie, so streaming tears it took three days to finally tell my dad I was suffering greatly from what I know now to be reffered to as gender dysphoria. This last year has been a hard one with ups and downs but I feel much happier now I've started walking down this past instead only longing too.  With how much better I feel I somtimes feel as though I don't need htr or the op, but then I see how much happier I look in the mirror, and remeber how I felt before, and remeber that the person I am today is a result of all the people I've been. And realise that transitioning is somthing I need because all the increased mood has been a direct effect of the acknowledgement of wear I'm going.   

How do i find my first post?

I have started Three, thread in my entire time as a member on this sight?

One recently about my blood pressure, another quite some time ago, wonderig why my donation wasnt the amount i donated, and one erley on, Requesting a private chat, to save a problemb I had triggering people?

And given that a thread is updated with aditional replies, I cant seem to find my First post?

[HoneyStrums]

How well do I relate to it?

At first glance, i was like Nope, ive not changed one bit. But I have. I need to go through it before I can exsplain how well I relate to it.

So, hold this space, pending edit (thank you space holder here goes)

~So this is the "I say some things about me, and you complain about my grammer space"

No, I no longer feel people will complain about my grammer, But I pay more attention to it, And somtimes edit a post multiple times to sort out or fix a previously un-noticed mistake. I saw I said. "past" And almost made an edit.

So first things first, my name is Victoria I live in England and ever since I can remember Iv always felt like I exist in the wrong body, I'm a pre hormone, pre op, transsexual? I question this because I'm still not sure that transexual is the right word for me. I used to look in the mirror and scrutinise myself looking for signs that might exsplain and/or justify how I felt.

I dont feel as though I was born In the wrong body anymore, I just accept that How I feel about it, causes me to hate exsisting how Im exspected too because of it, And that I cant exsist happily within it, without transitioning.

My erlyest memory however was being my big sisters dolly. Yes I enjoyed playing dress up with my sisters :p. Anyway school puberty/hell ever increasing depression, yada yada, Then Last year at 26. I came to the point that I could no longer go on living what felt like a lie, so streaming tears it took three days to finally tell my dad I was suffering greatly from what I know now to be reffered to as gender dysphoria.

Its a memory so nothing changed here.

This last year has been a hard one with ups and downs but I feel much happier now I've started walking down this past instead only longing too.  With how much better I feel I somtimes feel as though I don't need htr or the op, but then I see how much happier I look in the mirror, and remeber how I felt before, and remeber that the person I am today is a result of all the people I've been. And realise that transitioning is somthing I need because all the increased mood has been a direct effect of the acknowledgement of wear I'm going.   

Sure enough, When I think about what no Hrt has to offer I freak out still, and the prospect of dealing with IT due to no op is worse. So this is the same too.


When I see people speak of how, Differently they feel about their initial posts, It makes me wonder why  still relate so strongly with mine? I see that people speak of, Being confused, but didnt I? "Im still not sure transexual applies to me?" So I suppose Now I am sure It does. Could this of been the last remnants of denial?

OR That even then I was still fairly confident that no matter what, the op was what i wanted? And that I was going there

[Devlyn]

How do i find my first post?

I have started Three, thread in my entire time as a member on this sight?

One recently about my blood pressure, another quite some time ago, wonderig why my donation wasnt the amount i donated, and one erley on, Requesting a private chat, to save a problemb I had triggering people?

And given that a thread is updated with aditional replies, I cant seem to find my First post?

Mariah's great, isn't she? If you want to view your posts, just click Profile and then "Show posts" under your picture. Then click on the last page of posts, those are the oldest ones.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Devlyn]

By the way....


General Statistics - ButterflyVickster 


Total Time Spent Online:18 days, 20 hours and 8 minutes.
Total Posts:840 posts
Total Topics Started:15 topics
Number of Polls Created:0 polls
Number of Votes Cast:15 votes

[JoanneB]

Wow! Great topic Grace.

About 2 years AFTER I took on the trans-beast for my third time:

In an insane leap from rationality, I made the call Friday to the therapist about taking him up on his offer of presenting when I see him again. A week earlier it was pretty clear to us both it would be either a divorce or retirement before I would consider transitioning again. "How would this move things forward?" he asked. The number of pros and cons are fairly even. If you throw in a weighting factor it is heavily tilted towards "con". Self-esteem issues keep me from giving much merit to "It's when I am the happiest". Even if I could, the scale would still tip to "Con".

Just to walk out that door into the light of day and outside of the protected confines afforded during the monthly group meeting just may the next method to cope. Logic and reason screams NO! My heart says I need to.

My heart won.

After tempting fate and the Gods for the third time in my life I challenged myself (w/o a hangover). After seeing the therapist I went to the shopping mall and walked around there. I never felt so alive in my life. There was no going back.

Ironically, I am almost stuck in the same place, constantly fighting against a "reversion" as I try to hold important pieces of my life together. THE one thing that allows me hang in there is still feeling that joy I felt that very first, third attempt, out as the real me. I fight many of the same demons. I am far better armed. More agile after shedding tons of Shame & Guilt.

My wife helped instill in me the belief that before we are born into this lifetime we agree or choose to take on the challenges we have. Most importantly, is we are not thrown into the deep end of the pool. If we weren't equipped to take them on this time, we would have to wait. It took 50 years for me to take this on, but I finally did, with some success. I've grown tremendously as a person since then. I know I need to keep up the work. Not ignore it like I had.

Sadly, I occasionally relate to that person I was. There are still too many times I see "That sad old man" looking back at me in the mirror. Fortunately, now that I realize so much of that was because I felt challenges were "Forcing" my hand. I did not want to not be able to  transition, which would for sure doom me to slowly reverting completely BACK to that thing I was. Now I know it is ONLY ME that can allow that to happen. I am NOT a Victim

[judithlynn]

Hi Ms Grace. Wow. I think I have come a long way in  just 3 years too:

Hi,

I came across the site a few months back and have been reading all the posts and getting around  and find the site wonderful. A little intro. I have known I was TG since I was about the age of 6. Of course back then half a century ago we didnt know that word. I just know I wanted to be a girl.  At 12 some friends of my Dad discovered me dressed in their daughters clothes, so I got packed off to see a Physciatrist and I got treated to Electric Shock Treatment. Dreadful. Of course it didnt "cure" me.  I was then sent off to Public School and I leant to hide my real self. At 21 I joined the British Army (usual masculine stuff), then came out as I chapped and changed my career. I grew a beard, then cut it off, joined the Police (Specials) all the manly stuff. Eventually I moved to London, met various girls - had all sorts of relationships. I even "thought" I was Gay - but always I have only ever been attracted to women.  What followed for the next 15 years is one disastrous relationship and then I fell in love with a wonderful woman . We got married and  the first 5 years were blissful, but over time I just wasnt into the penetrative sex bit. Everything else was great. Oral sex was explosive  for her. Eventually my wife wanted to see a counselor and insisted I came, but I just couldnt bring myself to explain why I was Impotent. Of course the denial and other things and pressures eventually exploded and she had an affair which I discovered. I then blurted out that I thought I was TS. I had for a number of years dressed in secret with other friends (a couple) who knew about me and the wife & I took shopping trips together. Anyway after telling my wife she was shocked and after a week said she wanted a divorce. She did however buy me some clothes (one outfit) and makeup but I think that was it just basically pity. For the next 5 months we lived in seperate rooms in the same house, but at weekends she was away with girlfriends and other men. I was distraught as my beautiful wife had left. The trouble was I was besotted by her. She was incredibly talented, always dressed well and very femininine. Looking back of course now I can see I envied her whole being.

About this time my GP referred me to Russel Reid at Charing X. After seeing me a few times, he put me on E (Premarin).  But soon after my job sent me overseas. for nearly 6 months. Whilst overseas I kept up with the E and met a local doctor who put me on a combined weekly  (then every 14 days) injection of Primogyn Depot and Progestrone as she was  suprised my how small my breasts were.

I also started Electrolysis

When I got back to the UK, I decided I had to do something more formal, but just couldnt work out how to tell my parents.  But the drive to change was just overpowering and of course after 9 months on E plus the injections whilst overseas - my boobies were very evident. At work, I even got warned about losing weight and a couple of the secretaies said did I realise my nipples were showing under my shirts.

Out of the blue I got made redundant after 7 years with the same Computer company (I am in IT). My friends - the couple and a couple of really very kind women friends that I had come out to told me to bit the bullet and make the transition. Of coourse Russel Reid was pressing me too.  So I bit the bullet and over a weekend  transitioned.

Of course I was out of work. At first I signed up  for some courses (as JudithLynn) to get some experience working as a womsan with other women. I thought about retaiil but decided on office work. My women friends, even my next door neighbour were incredibly encouraging and I even started exercise classes att a gym.  With weekly visits to the beauty salon, I was powering on with stuff, but soon realised that I hadnt tough enough about the money aspects.  So I started temping as JudithLynn. I was in an office for one of the big building societies working in a team of 8 women.  Just living as a women 24x7 was completely blissful. But I hadnt told my parents.

One of my girlfriends that I was incredibly close too (as a friend) was very very supportive and she and my other married friend used to come with me to see Russel Reid once a month.

One weekend I had a girls night out and that night we shredded all my boys clotyhes (well except one set for my monthly trips home). Of course at work they didnt know.  Luckily I have no Adams Apple and small hands and feet UK size 7 shoes, plus slopping shoulders. Plus of course I have big nipples and large areolae although my breasts are only AA.
But then three things happened:
I got outed at the UK Building Society - we had a departmental dance at a disco one night. I got a bit tipsy (the E plus White wine) danced with one off the managers and I think he discovered my secret. The result was the chop
My next dooor neighbour got headhunted for a job in the US
My Male self got headhunted for an overseas job

Money was tight, I had lost the job as Judith Lynn and I had this amazing offer on the table the other side of the world.

You guessed it . I reverted to my Male self - if partially a rather rounded one.

ReplyQuoteNotify
415
Health / Re: Mah Nipple Hurts -- WTF? -_-
« on: September 25, 2012, 11:30:17 pm »
Actually if its a single nipple it could be nipple thrush - Mastitus. I have had this as a recurrent problem on one breast. Best to see a Doctor especially if the itching comes with stabbing pain. I have had a breast exam, but they found nothong and it was diagnosed as Nipple thrush. Not something that a TG expects.
Judith

[Cindy]

I posted this on Jan26 2015:

I wonder what happened to her?

Such a lonely girl, 2008 was so long ago.

She was so frightened, so alone.

Funny I'm alone tonight and missing my man, what a strange thing, 2008 there was no man in my life and never could be, there were no friends either.

She cross dressed and was so frightened, hidden behind the home curtains, terrified of a knock on the door. Her secret was a terrible thing of fear and loathing.

Now I'm thinking what to wear to work, a dress or a skirt and top, what shoes? Mm I have some high level meetings so a dress and heels, I flip my hair back and like the colour my hairdresser gave me. Bought a cute lipstick, mmmm wear that tomorrow.

Oh one of the guys at the meeting is a bit phobic, so I'll wear an open top to show cleavage.

Wonder what my man is doing, why? It's his life and we have an open relationship. Goddess did I just say that? I have a relationship and I trust him? Me a scared little bunny!

I recall the fear of having my ears pierced, goddess I'll get fired, the breeze on my  legs as I crossed the road on the first day I went to work in a skirt. I recall no fear, I was me. Finally, or so I thought.

I still have a bottle of whiskey sitting on my counter, untouched. It is my trophy, the last one I bought to kill the pain.

Yes I still drink, but now for fun and in moderation;

I recall when he placed an ice cold Moët on my tummy and  a container of caviar and said, 'Remember that scene in Casino Royale', Ye I do now. It is our scene.

I see the posts of despair, I'll never pass, I'll never find love, I'm a freak, I'll lose everything.
.
I read my first post tonight. I was a scared little man.

I'm Cindy, and I'm not scared any more. And I'm not a man, never was, never could be. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how he fought.

I read my first post tonight, Janet and Nicky welcomed me.

They told me not to be frightened and that I was now family, Nicky is a happy New Zealand lady in a steady relationship with a great lady, Janet is one of my sisters who I love.

And me?

I'm not the frightened little man anymore.
I'm me, a little reflective tonight, and so happy.

I read my first post tonight, and I don't know who wrote it. But whoever you were thank you, you  saved whatever soul I had left.

I read my first post tonight and if whoever posted it hadn't done so there would be a very dead little sad man.

But he found Susan's and he found me.

I read my first post tonight.

Thank you
Cindy

My first post nov 2008

Hi
I'm 53 d have known to be TG for at least 50 of them. I came to Australia from the UK when I was 22 to get SRS, but I met a girl who totally accepting of my life and we married. Never been a problem. Unfortunately she had a freak accident 4 years ago and is now totally disabled and has to live in high dependency care. Sad. I've lost my soulmate. I visit all the time. But now I'm starting to live more as Cindy. I never did go through with SRS. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm well respected in a professional position as a Y-chromosome, I think if I went in as me there would be major problems. I can't afford to lose my job - I have to pay for my wife's care.

Sometimes I feel under the hammer
Sorry
Love to hear from supportive people
Love
Cindy

[/color]

[Sammy]

My first post is long gone as a result of a couple of purges (when deleting Your older posts was still an option here), but I remember that it was waaay toooo long and whatnot . On a totally different note, a couple of months ago I came accross some of my old posts (yay for bookmarks and stuff!) on one of the largest wargaming forums (Dakka) and I could recognise the person who wrote them - for sure, I dont write like that anymore. 

[Mariah]

First post you had you gutted so the actual location is still in view, but there is nothing in the post.

My first post is long gone as a result of a couple of purges (when deleting Your older posts was still an option here), but I remember that it was waaay toooo long and whatnot . On a totally different note, a couple of months ago I came accross some of my old posts (yay for bookmarks and stuff!) on one of the largest wargaming forums (Dakka) and I could recognise the person who wrote them - for sure, I dont write like that anymore.