Dear Katelyn:
You are experiencing the realization of losing your life's partner, and your reaction is understandable. I was in the same situation only later in life, and eventually I lost any intimate relationship with my family, including my daughters and the grand children. It was a grievous loss and to this day I lament that my transgender condition was the initial stimulus for the family's dissolution.
I take responsibility for the initiating event(s) that caused this to occur. However, my wife and daughters were fully aware of what they were doing and for reasons that made sense to them they didn't and haven't changed their minds. I really wanted to own that I made them decide and behave as they did and continue today. Well, I can't! Further, I wasn't the SOB of the century because I had to transition; rather, I was and am human and this is what life has given me to deal with - it's no one's fault!
The reality is I didn't make them do anything; they each took upon themselves to collectively reject me. No matter how I parse that matter the facts and impacts upon them and others as a result of pushing me away wasn't and isn't within my means or responsibility to do anything about. I love them dearly and always will and I think they love me or at least who they wish I was, but life went on and here I am today happy as Rachel.
It took time and a great deal of support from friends and professionals to 1) help me see that, and 2) to accept that without guilt. No matter what you do now the Genie is out of the bottle and she isn't ever going to return. Trying to put her back will not make your wife's life easier or happier. Oh, I'm sure it will relieve some tension and lessen the anguish, but the crux of the matter is and ever will be what it is . . . You are Katelyn! And that reality now that you've faced it will never settle for anything less than being you, i.e. Katelyn.
If for reasons of well-being, finances, employment, etc. you need to step back, then do so. If you do so be honest with yourself and begin working immediately on a viable near-term exit strategy that fairly takes care of you and your family. That isn't likely to make your wife happy, but it's essential for your well-being and ultimately your wholesome survival and your children. Don't delude yourself that things will just workout - they won't unless your wife wants them to, and you have no control over that just as she has no control over you being Katelyn (you really don't either but that's another discussion).
You've been well advised and supported here, and I encourage to keep using this site for support. It's sad and it is difficult today, but you will survive and life will turn once again into a great adventure that is full of life lived large and lovingly. Many of us know because we were right there where you are just as we are here now for you.
My dearest Katelyn take good care and please stay in touch,
Rachel
