Dear Katelyn:
From my limited view, and remember it's limited and only as informed as you made it here with all my biases embedded therein. I speak here as if know and what I say is the truth. It's not; it's a possibility and only that. It remains up to you to decide what and how these words land for you. Please know I offer them in deepest respect for your family and you:
Your relationships with your wife, children and family(ies) are evolving. The pattern of hysteria and outbursts followed by periods of quiet and sometimes reasoned conversations are signs all of you moving to a different place than any of you were at months ago, perhaps even just weeks ago.
It's difficult to see this as progress but it is, for recognizing that it's progress doesn't always mean it's satisfying and pleasing - often quite the opposite. However, as you go forward I hope you can see that progress is a result of those quiet reasoned times when conversation can take place without it being overly nasty, competitive and/or snarky. You should also see when that isn't occurring you have the ability to stop the discourse with those whom you love and explain to them that you want a loving solution that everyone can live with, not necessarily what anyone would choose but the middle ground where there's acceptance and sense of completeness for each to move on with their lives, together or apart while being whole and fair (a mouth full and a ton to expect). But that can only occur when the crap stops, and beginning now you should intend that it stops.
Further, there's nothing to rush and nothing to avoid anymore; what's there is what's possible in the real world given each party's proclivities - it is what is, nothing more and nothing less. The time is upon you where others' abusing, guilting, and blaming are no longer permissible; it's getting in the way for you and them if they could only see it that way and if they cannot then you must help them at least stop. This will occur when you are firm and loving and simply refuse to participate in tearing down rather building - if even building for the cessation of the relationship(s). Simply back away, literally if necessary, for a while and then begin anew, but don't let the painful stuff occur.
For you to do this may seem hurtful and callus but it is quite the opposite. Rather, you are honestly being whom you are, showing your love for each and everyone while insisting that love is not permission or an excuse for poor behavior. Again, be loving and gentle but firm and steady while patient. (And you can do that for there is nothing preventing that now but misplaced, existential quilt.)
Get a lawyer if you don't have one, and then discuss what your desires are for HOW to move forward with your therapist. Worry less about what the outcomes will be as you have little leverage in changing anyone's mind; they will find a way to be with you inside their lives or not. (Use the law to ensure your children benefit from your parenting and create a fair equitable separation if necessary. Why? You have rights and they important to preserve going forward from today.)
Understand what the consequences will be from becoming a loving and caring adult who respects herself as much as anyone else and is ready to seek common ground for moving into the future. For example: There may be more noise and it may be louder, threats may be made, silence may ensue, people may take sides and insert themselves where they have no standing, etc. In addition, wonderful solutions may arise. In any event, you as a loving partner, parent and human being will be responsibly taking care of business. Whatever occurs, you are now one of the loving adults in the matter, maybe the only one, but in any case press on as that adult.
What I just wrote sounds withering, harsh and uncaring. I offer that if you are the loving person who shows up here on Susan's Place then it's time you showed that love powerfully and demonstratively. Some may take offense but that's their challenge not yours. As long as you come from a place of love and workability you are doing what loving people do when faced with difficult times and decisions. They ACT out of love and good reason for a future that embraces building something worth living into that future, recognizing that the future will never be the past. It may repeat itself but it won't duplicate it.
Carpe deim my dear friend,
Rachel
P.S. Sorry for the length, it's hard to boil this stuff down much less live it as you well know.
