so confused

[Amoré]

Hi all

I am 28years old and mtf and I'm currently almost 3 months on hormones.I am married and on the point of divorce because of my trans issue.The thing is I have got a slight chance of saving my marriage if I don't transition but she is unsure if she want to continue due to the chance that I will relaps.Most of the time I can survive and make the day if something don't trigger my dysphoria.I get dysphoria so bad when I relaps that I attempt suicide I make her life hell also and I am scared I will leave my small child with trauma for the rest of her life when I get depressed and lose my mind.

The drive to have a female body and live as a woman that I feel like gets so strong especially when I see my wife doing her mothering my child it throws me into deep depression.I desperately want to be a mother and have breastfeed my child.It feels like this was taken from me as I will never know that pleasure.I think a lot of trans woman feels the same.

I actually stopped my hormone for 3 days now going against my psychs advice to not stop due to dysphoria returning because my gd disappeared almost completely. The pain of losing my wife that I love dearly is just too much to continue. She says nature will take it's course and I am going to lose my mind because of it. She knows and can see what gd is doing to me and the pain that it is causing me.Is there cases where people didn't transition to save their marriage?

[Qrachel]

Hi -

I am so sorry you are suffering.  You didn't ask for this and of course neither did your wife.  The reality is there's little data to suggest that being trans (MTF) and not dealing with it mentally, medically and emotionally works.  At it's best that prolongs the inevitable.

The stats for depression, dysphoria, attempted suicide, etc. are dismal for us in part due to the conundrum you are currently in.  Only you know what you can stand, but I'll suggest you don't know how much you can't stand and there's the real risk to you and everyone close to you.

It's your life and those around own their lives.  From what you've written I'd say it's ill-advised to bury this and 'bravely' carry on so everyone (but you) can have a decent (?) life.  If you don't take care of yourself, then no one will . . . Current circumstances are already strained; you being fully repressed won't help.

So you are left with dealing with a possible scary/unpleasant/unwanted/etc. set of outcomes, or not dealing with the matter and accepting nearly the same set of outcomes with a much higher likelihood of a dismal set of results for all. 

If you do nothing it doesn't get better.  If you try you may be surprised and by trying in the long run its much more likely that you'll prosper and quite possibly so will your family - and yes, that may mean the family unit needs to change.  That's a sad truism, but it's better than the alternatives.

Take good care and stay in touch,

Rachel

[FTMDiaries]

Hi, and welcome!

The big problem with Gender Dysphoria is that it doesn't get better on its own. You can ignore it for a long time... years, decades, your entire life... but that horrible feeling stays with you, and it has a tendency to get worse with time if you don't transition. Wishful thinking simply doesn't make it go away.

It's entirely up to you whether you think your marriage is worth more than your sense of self. I would argue that it isn't: you cannot expect to be truly happy within your marriage if you can't even stand being in your own skin. And what will happen when your dysphoria inevitably gets worse? You'll know that your wife is the reason why you felt forced into making this decision: will you start to resent her even more? What kind of marriage would you have at that point?

There have been some cases where spouses have stayed with us through transition, but in most of the cases where our spouses are unsupportive, our marriages have had to end. That's what happened to me: I was married for 15 years before I came out to my husband, and he immediately decided that he didn't want to continue with our marriage if I transitioned. So we had to separate.

It was painful at the time, but I got over him surprisingly quickly. Now, when I look back upon my life and our so-called marriage, I see that he never had my best interests at heart, and I'm much better off without him. Your wife, too, does not appear to have your best interests at heart, if as you say she can see the pain your dysphoria is causing you but is pressuring you to stop transitioning.

My advice to you? Go back on your hormones. Talk to your wife, and negotiate a new relationship. You might not be able to remain married, but you will always be co-parents to your child, and as such you can at least be cordial towards each other. And it's much easier for a young child to accept their parent's transition than it is for an older child or teenager, so the sooner the better really.

My transition has cost me my marriage. And I couldn't be happier or more content with the direction my life is taking.

[cheryl reeves]

I didn't transition because I wanted to get married and have my own bio children, I handle my disphoria by wearing something fem, like I finally went full time panties because mens underwear was uncomfortable and causing me problems. There are times I put on a skirt and top or just nities to bed, my wife knows all about this and can tolerate it as long as I don't transition. I've had a lot of practice at being a chameleon and handling my disphoria.

[paula lesley]

I lived a lie from 47 years. Always being supportive to my family and friends.


Please don't struggle. Be yourself. Be happy.



Paula, <3 X.