Out But Can't Talk About It

[GammaHunter]

I've been out to my family for a while now, since May, I think, but since the first few weeks after that, I haven't really talked about being trans much. They still refer to me as female, which I'm fine with, because I understand that's difficult for them. Of course, I do eventually want them to call me by my male pronouns, but for now, I just put up with it.

Since going back to school, I've decided that I want to change my name as soon as possible. I have a couple picked out, and I want my parents' opinon on them. Here is where I have my problem. I've always been a very repressed person, especially at home, and I rarely talk about personal stuff. So, every time I want to ask them about it, I find that I can't. And I don't know why, considering I managed to come out, and they were completely fine with it. I did do that by letter, though, as I find it easier to write things. But I don't want to have to write everything whenever I want to tell them something.

Is there any kind of advice you can give me? I feel like I should be more confident with speaking, considering that I'm doing acting as an A-Level. I guess maybe it's because I always feel like such a kid with my family, and I don't want to ruin that by bringing in anything serious or mature.

[sam1234]

Ultimately, the only person who has to approve of your new name is you. Though your parents may be a large part of your life now, as you get older, your relationship with them will change. Remember, unless you want to go through the whole name change thing again, pick one that is right for you and just feels right.

Sometimes things have to be done in steps. Its great that your parents accepted you for who you are, but that doesn't mean that they don't have to go through  the process of retraining the way they think of you. At one point in my transition, my father told me that he and my mother felt as though they were in a Bill Cosby show because that sort of thing only happened to other people. They had to go through a grieving process. They had lost a daughter, but gained a son. All their hopes of having a daughter who would be married, have kids.........   All that had to be rearranged in their brains. Both my older brother and I were adopted, so they had no problems with my having a child with a wife and AI, but since they already had two sons, whatever fantasies my father may have had about walking a daughter down the isle were gone.

Give your parents and yourself time to adjust. Gentle reminders when they call you by the wrong gender etc. Even after twenty six years and complete support from both parents, my mother still mistakenly says "her" or "she" once per visit. The other day my Mother sent me a few of my baby pictures. When I acknowledged the fact that it must have been painful to go through my old scrape book, my father said that they had put it behind them and were just glad to have a live child.

Let things happen in their own time. Keep your parent's feelings in mind, but don't let them dominate everything you choose to do with your real gender. Its you that you will have to wake up to every day, and what ever name you choose, your parents will learn to think of you by it.

sam1234

[Qrachel]

Hi:

If you are ready for this step, then try writing a short letter, < 1 page, including why you are writing as a means of starting the conversation.  It will help you organize the conversation and give you some freedom to participate without being the lead-off conversationalist, except to hand them them the letter.  My preference (works for me), is to hand the short letter to my loved one and then wait for them to finish reading it - they may ask questions while reading it, my youngest daughter did that a lot. 

Be sure to write respectfully and with the love you want them to return to you, even if you doubt they will return your love with love.  In the end, your love will make the difference regardless of the conversational outcome (just don't let them be abusive and I'm not suggesting they have been or will be).

I did that with my children and several times with my X.  It helped the conversation get going and provided an outline of what I wanted to cover; plus, they had a chance to organize their thoughts too as they read the short letter(s).

Take care and stay in touch,

Rachel

[GammaHunter]

Hi:

If you are ready for this step, then try writing a short letter, < 1 page, including why you are writing as a means of starting the conversation.  It will help you organize the conversation and give you some freedom to participate without being the lead-off conversationalist, except to hand them them the letter.  My preference (works for me), is to hand the short letter to my loved one and then wait for them to finish reading it - they may ask questions while reading it, my youngest daughter did that a lot. 

Be sure to write respectfully and with the love you want them to return to you, even if you doubt they will return your love with love.  In the end, your love will make the difference regardless of the conversational outcome (just don't let them be abusive and I'm not suggesting they have been or will be).

I did that with my children and several times with my X.  It helped the conversation get going and provided an outline of what I wanted to cover; plus, they had a chance to organize their thoughts too as they read the short letter(s).

Take care and stay in touch,

Rachel

The only problem is, that's what I've done in the past, and I'm tired of not being able to communicate properly. I'm also not a very good letter writer.

[Qrachel]

Hmmm . . . got it!

Sooo, do you have someone you can dry run the conversation with - a little rehearsal if you will.  You could also share a draft of a letter with them too and let them help edit it.

Professional help is often quite useful when it becomes time to have one of "the discussions."  None of this is easy and you don't have to be perfect either in carrying the conversation.   Having the conversation, often several times, is really what matters.

Sometimes it's hardest when I'm on knots - an exercise I learned when I'm all twisted up is to talk to myself in the mirror.  It'll be a bit weird but once you are at it for a few minutes you may find a comfort zone that allows you to communicate more effectively.  It's an old, old preparation skill for orations. 

I apologize if these ideas aren't helpful, but don't give up and give yourself more credit than you probably are . . .

Take care,

Rachel

[Skylar1992]

I came out 4 - 5 months ago and haven't talked about it once, for me it's just completely natural so I don't feel the urge to talk about it, but I said they can if they want, so yeah, things are pretty chill when it comes to that 

[sam1234]

I'm no psychologist or psychiatrist, but re reading your letter, I can't help wonder if you feel somewhat guilty and really need your parent's approval. You may want to talk to a therapist or if you already have one, go over what and why you need to talk to your parents about it after this long.

Its easy to feel guilty when you have to do something like this, even though its not wrong, and as long as our parents are alive, its natural that we seek their approval. I now they were ok with you coming out, but the more you try to push them about it, the worse it could get. My parents, who accepted my being a male from day one, saw a specialist themselves and paid for my entire transition where they probably needed to take out  a loan, still will wriggle out of a conversation dealing with my being a transgender.  They have accepted it and don't want to think about it. It probably still brings up some pain regardless of what they say.

Once you are out of the house, your parent's will probably get better with the pronouns. Parent/child relationships change quite a bit once you are out of the house and on your own. If you need to talk, either come here or find a therapist because bottling up all those things in your head could bring  you newly found confidence back down.

sam1234

[Leki]

I am going through the same thing but I am a mtf ->-bleeped-<-, not a ftm.

I need to leave my parent's house, I HATE living here.

HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

[Laura_7]

I am going through the same thing ...

I need to leave my parent's house, I HATE living here.

HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

Here are some helplines... you can call here... they also have a chat:
http://glbthotline.org/hotline.html
www.thetrevorproject.org/
www.translifeline.org

You might try to relax...
you might see a therapist...
or a social worker...
or someone from an lgbt center...


hugs

[sam1234]

You are free to PM me at any time. I know sometimes opening up to a lot of people at once can be 0verwhelming. Regardless of whether you PM someone or use the entire area to talk through things, know that we are here for you.

When all you get is slip ups and negative reinforcement, it place havoc on your self esteem. When you don't have to look at faces, its easier because you feel anonymous. The surgeons, even the good ones are not  going to go into what will happen once you come out or when you are finished with all your surgeries You have to find your way back, but you don't need to do it alone.

sam1234

[QueenSwag]

You know I can be pretty bold, and not afraid to speak my mind. So I would say its best to communicate verbally with people about important issues, whenever you can. But if you can't for any reason, it's still important to communicate. If you have to write a letter (even if it is not an amazingly well written letter) then it would probably still be for the best. Being honest with the people we care about is so crucial, because people need to know when they are crossing a line with you, so emotions don't build up. You love them, and they love you. I'm sure it will work out if you just keep trying

[Laura_7]

You could have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194946.msg1736596.html#msg1736596

and here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1740788.html#msg1740788


Some people prefer written materials... like a letter...
it helps sum up the thoughts and list a few things... and also talk about emotions...

[GammaHunter]

I think I need to try and explain myself better, I've never been very good at explanations. So, I basically know that my parents are going to be supportive, I'm not worried about their reaction at all. But, I can't actually start a conversation with them about any of this, and the main reason for that is because I hate things becoming serious. I'm always a rather cheerful, casual person, and I always try to keep conversations light.

Also, I hate writing letters. I want to stop having to do that.

Hopefully that clears some things up, or maybe it just made it more complicated. Probably the latter, because as I mentioned, I'm bad at explaining things.

[Laura_7]

I think I need to try and explain myself better, I've never been very good at explanations. So, I basically know that my parents are going to be supportive, I'm not worried about their reaction at all. But, I can't actually start a conversation with them about any of this, and the main reason for that is because I hate things becoming serious. I'm always a rather cheerful, casual person, and I always try to keep conversations light.

Also, I hate writing letters. I want to stop having to do that.

Hopefully that clears some things up, or maybe it just made it more complicated. Probably the latter, because as I mentioned, I'm bad at explaining things.

Well a letter is simply a list of things you want to say...
and it can include emotions, further thoughts etc...

I hate things becoming serious.

You might ask yourself why.
A deep conversation can be very meaningful and lead to a mutual understanding.
It does not have to be dry... it can be voiced in a nice manner yet it can show deep inner feelings...
it can bring people really closer together.

It also has to do with borders.
If you feel for example people do not respect something you might say so.