I Kissed A Boy, and I..... GUESS I Liked It?? Wait, Did I???

[KyleEdric]

This happened a while ago back in high school and I was still female with no intentions of changing genders yet.

I got my first boyfriend at 15. Sometime around my second semester of freshman year.
I wanna talk about this relationship because really, I don't really know how it came to be. I feel so confused thinking about it.

I didn't even WANT a damn boyfriend. Sure, I hung out with guys frequently because I related to them more, but I never got any feelings for any of them. Then Mike showed up and flipped my whole damn world upside-down. He started out nice (we knew each other from our school's chess club), then he got friendly by hugging me after every club meet. At first I thought it was funny, I was like "lol okay whatever here's your hug."

Then he asked for my number and then I started getting nervous. I gave it to him, anyway, since he seemed like a nice enough friend, and thought that's all he wanted. It felt good to have a friend in a state AND school i was relatively new to. So he called me that night and lo and behold, asked if I would be his girlfriend...

I tried to talk him out of it, pressed to take things slow, but he insisted. He told me he wouldn't hang up until I said yes, and he kept gently nudging me, convincing me to go out with him. After a 3 hour phone call, I obliged... The next day, I said hello to Mike with the bizarre realization that this kid was now my new boyfriend... It was quite surreal, to be honest, and I wasn't sure if it was in a good way.

I never had the kind of attention Mike had given me. Holding hands, kisses on the cheek, hugs, cuddling. For a girl who'd mainly experienced bullying from boys in middle AND high school, it was a very... I guess I could say exotic feeling? It was very nice to feel so special to someone.

But about a month into our relationship, Mike started to hint that he wanted to kiss, but on the lips. This being my first relationship (and HIS... 20th, maybe *eye roll*), I wasn't feeling ready. Another week goes by with no kissing on the lips and Mike once again, had to talk me into it. I didn't even open my mouth. I just pressed my lips to his hoping I was doing it right enough so he'd keep loving me.

I felt very weird, my first kiss behind the school. I told him I needed to use the bathroom midway though the kissing, and once I was in the girl's room, I locked the stall and cried. I didn't know what the hell to feel, or if it was right, or if it was even what I wanted to do. Was this something I had to do ALL THE TIME now??? I thought. Eventually the motion sensor lights shut off and I was forced to leave. Mike was waiting in the school for me, but I didn't want to see him. I hid somewhere else and waited for my mom to pick me up. When I got home, I got in the shower and tried to wash that stupid kiss off my lips.

Now this is where something strange happened. I kept going with the relationship, letting him kiss me, feeling his affection, hanging with his friends (many of whom I still talk to), I actually started to like him back....

Annnnnnd then he started getting emotionally distant a few months later and finally broke up with me my last day of freshman year...

So not the best relationship, but it was emotionally twisting for sure. Afterwards, I started getting lovesick over him, crying over him, missing him like crazy, having dreams of him, it was like, "what the hell? I didn't ever WANT a relationship!"
But I'm starting to understand now... I don't think I was really in love with him, it was just the attention. The special attention that girlfriends receive. And even when we got back together and broke up several times throughout high school(yes yes, spare me the lecture), I think it was just that. The attention.

When i think of it, kissing is a rather strange way to show affection (and it's smelly sometimes X( ), I NEVER enjoyed getting felt up (it's extremely invasive), being nude makes me freezing, and don't even get me started on performing sex (still a virgin with little to no intentions on changing that)...

The whole reason I started pursuing guys around high school I think... was just to get the same love and affection that I got with Mike. But that's where it ended. I just wanted cuddles, and nothing more. I could've cared less about kissing, but I understood it was a proper standard in relationships, so I did it.

More importantly, on that first kiss, when I relented and gave him a proper kiss so he'd still love me... Was what I did wrong? Was it no big deal in the long run since I agreed to it and he never forced me? He even TOLD ME if I didn't want to, it was okay... Was it all no big deal because it wasn't sex, it was just a first kiss, and maybe no one likes their first time?

It's just a moment in my life I feel very strange about...

[Dena]

There is nothing wrong with what you did. We have MTFs on the board who have married and had children before coming out of the closet and admitting what was inside them for years. Your preference for men or women isn't related to your transsexualism and childhood experimentation is to be expected. Make that a memory of something you did in the past and don't worry about it. Over the next few years you will discover what the real you likes and dislikes then build you future around that instead of the past.

[KyleEdric]

It's not really questioning sexuality, it was a matter of "Was this even okay to happen?" I know the situation doesn't belong anywhere near the category of 'rape', but in a way I still felt sort of violated and made to so something I didn't want to out of fear I'd have my affections and regard withheld.

[Dena]

Had you been CIS, this would have been a normal and expected action. You were young and inexperienced and you did more or less what society expected of you. The only harm that came of it was that you were very uncomfortable. with something that society considers normal. The painful part of being transgender is that we are very uncomfortable with some of what is expected of us. We try to fit in and we try to get what we need but sometime the price is very high. Humans have a need to be comforted and loved by others and you are human. You need to put the mistakes behind you and move on. If you don't you will always have that past disturbing your further.

[Peep]

a similar thing happened to me actually, it was ten years ago but it still makes me feel uncomfortable. I think a lot of cis people would have been uncomfortable in that situation too, no one should do physical or emotional things like that before they're really ready.

[veniamviam]

It's not really questioning sexuality, it was a matter of "Was this even okay to happen?" I know the situation doesn't belong anywhere near the category of 'rape', but in a way I still felt sort of violated and made to so something I didn't want to out of fear I'd have my affections and regard withheld.

I had something similar happen, and in my situation, the short answer is "no it wasn't okay." If you didn't want to do it, and he pressured you to, it wasn't okay. For me, the pressure was in the form of alcohol, done deliberately enough to have a clear line of "not okay," but for you it seems like that line is less distinct. If you're worried about needing to feel guilty over it, you don't have to. The pressure to do something you weren't comfortable with isn't your fault, it's his. However, it's okay if you feel guilty over that anyway, or just weird about it. Lord knows I do. It's been two years or so, and I've come a long way in dealing with all the cruddy things he did, but I very often think I should have done something differently with what happened that evening. It'll always be something I feel strange and uncomfortable about, because I was violated (even in this seemingly small way) in a dubiously consenting manner. I think coming to terms with that is very important, but that's just my take based on my experience.

[sparrow]

It's not really questioning sexuality, it was a matter of "Was this even okay to happen?"

The way that you describe every single escalation of your relationship with dread, reluctance and disgust?  That's simply not okay.  He should have picked up on that, backed off, and found an enthusiastic romantic interest.

Somebody who says "okay, fine, if you'll stop bugging me" isn't somebody that I would want to kiss.  My second sexual partner was in that category and I still feel bad about it today.  Old consent concept: "no means no."  Consent today: "anything but yes means no."

[AbbyKat]

Thank you for sharing this story.  I can relate but from the opposite side of the fence.  I always felt pressured to be intimate with girls when all I wanted from them was to feel special.  I felt awful when I lost my virginity and sort of lost my self respect (I never bothered to resist after that).

Honestly, I would have loved to have had a partner like you in high school.  Cuddling and validating each other without the pesky sexuality noise to mess it up.

In any case, I'm now married to a wonderful person who I feel absolutely wonderful being intimate with.  I never thought that would happen. 

If you stick to your comfort level and only be as intimate as you want to (even if it is not at all), you will eventually find somebody that matches your speed in that regard.  Again, thank you for sharing this with us.

[Jessica Merriman]

I kissed a trans girl and now we are a couple. It was a first for me so do what feels good as that is what life is for. Stay tuned for the wedding announcement!!!!!

[stephaniec]

I think you might be over thinking this event. When I was 6 I use to hold my boyfriends hand everywhere we went to the point of my mother being aware of it and trying to stop me(didn't work). I think of him more these days as my first love.

[Aazhie]

Hey, if it helps:  I've been in a few relationships and had more than a few hesitant kisses.
One of my friends had recently said he liked me and was cool with transguys, but when we kissed, I felt like I was flopping back into my old "girlfriend" role instead of taking things in a "transman/boyfriend" direction.  I told him I was a bit weirded out but he didn't do anything wrong. We are still friends and while I regret not being able to enjoy the kiss completely, I do appreciate having had the experience.  It reminded me that I wasn't really ready to be intimate right there and then!  So yeah, a kiss can feel violating, but now you know how that feels.  And now, your homework is: when you feel like that again, it's time to call Time Out and say, "Hey I'm not sure I am ready for this, you are cool, but it doesn't feel right for me," and it can help you prevent worse situations in the future.  I've regretted way worse situations, and I wish I had learned from earlier discomfort and used it to keep myself from letting people do stuff so that I wouldn't hurt their feelings :/

I know you aren't alone, many people assume someone who is female is expected to "pay" a guy with intimate favors for his time/money/attention.  That view is total BS, but it's a very subtle, insidious one that frustrates me to no end.  Take this experience and learn from it.  Kissing can feel great and it should usually be much more enjoyable   I think maybe you'll probably enjoy kissing someone when you meet the right person, but he wasn't it! And if you never like kissing, that is fine too.

Also, you may wish to investigate the asexual definition. Sometimes people are asexual for life, they never want sex.  Sometimes you go through times that are too stressful to be too into anything more than cuddling.  Whatever you end up deciding, there are others out there who have similar wishes.  Maybe you are asexual, maybe just for now, you need to figure out some things before you feel like it.  No worries either way, just trust your feelings and be responsible, communicate clearly and be safe.

[Obfuskatie]

It's not really questioning sexuality, it was a matter of "Was this even okay to happen?" I know the situation doesn't belong anywhere near the category of 'rape', but in a way I still felt sort of violated and made to so something I didn't want to out of fear I'd have my affections and regard withheld.

I used to feel the same way about my being coerced into sex with my girlfriend at the time. It was explicitly made clear to me that she'd leave me if I didn't perform right then and there. The context of having her cheat on me beforehand and needing reassurance that I actually forgave her, only makes it more emotionally abusive. Especially because the fight that led to her cheating was about my Trans-ness. Non consensual sex is rape, and you are allowed to change your mind in the moment if you need to stop. Otherwise, when they are deriving pleasure from your pain, it twists the relationship.
Any time something is done to you without your consent, even if you initially comply, it is a kind of abuse. Your experience fits snugly in the category of rape because your consent was coerced. While kissing is less invasive than sex, you are never obligated to do either as quid pro quo for their being kind to you. From now on, only kiss someone when you want to and how you want to. If they make you uncomfortable or ask for more than you are willing to give, stick up for and assert yourself and say no.
I'm glad someone brought up asexuality, which is totally real and there isn't anything wrong with it. There are asexual heteroromantic and homoromantic individuals, just as there are aromantic gay and straight people. There's also the very real possibility that you don't experience sexuality the same as other people because of your being trans. I used to date masculine women, and enjoy sex vicariously through them. It's different than how I experience it now that I can actually enjoy my own pleasure as a woman, as I only had disgust for my masculinity previously and was mostly just relieved that I was able to get through the sexual acts and be normal.
When you are less dysphoric, you'll be better able to embrace the masculine and feminine parts of yourself. It should help you deal with the body issues most of us trans people have.
I listen to Dan Savage's podcast, and one of the most important things he stresses about relationships is that you are going to need to find someone who matches your sex drive. If you constantly feel pushed by the other it's going to bother you and cause them to resent your hesitance. Not everyone processes sex and intimacy in the same way, so find someone whose speed is a better match for you, or at least find someone who respects you enough that they will take no for an answer.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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