So since coming out, somewhat, this year, things have been going very well. I thankfully go to a very progressive school for the south and there are numerous resources and individuals who have been helping me out along this journey. I know it's not needed, at least not here, but I've been going to counseling, joined a trans-gendered progress group on campus, and began looking into the cost of HRT. In all honesty, I could afford it now, even without insurance. All this has been very helpful to me, and I know this is the time to take action. I couldn't have done it sooner, and the longer I wait the harder it's going to get.
It's not a question of if now, but I can't help feel guilt. This though, I feel is linked to my dysphoria. I've begun worrying about everything I do and judging myself. From the way I sleep, even to the way I cough, everything seems to bother me. The only concern I have is that I might never pass. I don't know if this is a common fear, but this is what's bothering me.
I even had a dream earlier today, where I was (somewhat) a woman. In this dream I was happy when this choice to switch was offered, and even though in the dream I was more androgynous than anything (I chock this up to dreamy weird stuffs) I was happy to be farther from male. I've always been bothered by these things, but it's even worse now. Growing up I honestly never knew being trans was an option I or anyone had. I knew there were men who dressed as women, but I didn't want to be a man dressing as a female, I wanted to be a female who wore whatever she pleased. But know, actually knowing it was something possible, I am overjoyed, and afraid. I just want to be comfortable with myself, and I will never be as a male, knowing how I feel and how I view myself inside.
I completely forgot the meaning of all this. I dunno, I plan on waiting until January to start, once I turn 19. This would mark the first full year since I made the decision to transition.
Thanks for reading my rambling. I can't remember why I started.
