Can being transgender sneak up on you?

[Jayne01]

Hello there. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this.

My whole life (43 years) I have never considered myself to be transgender. I have never thought of myself as a woman trapped in a man's body. And I have never thought of myself as just a woman. I've always been a guy. However, there have always been thoughts or feelings throughout my life that maybe I should have been born female. Thinking back with the benefit of hindsight, I wonder how I could not have known. I don't exactly know what I was thinking at the time, but I know for certain "transgender" wasn't it.

Is it possible that I was trying so hard to deny it that I was unable to recognise these thoughts and feelings for what they were? I'm seeing a therapist and trying to figure it all out now and am having a very hard time accepting that I am probably transgender. In some ways it is like I always knew but it still feels like surprise to me. I don't have any memories of ever thinking myself to be a girl/woman in a male body but I do have memories of wishing I was a female.

I seem to be struggling to explain what I want to say here. I guess what I want to say is has anybody been surprised by the realisation that you are transgender?

Jayne

[KathyLauren]

You expressed yourself very clearly. 

Yes, it surprised me, but what surprised me more was the fact that I was surprised at all!  In hindsight, the signs should have been obvious, but I either didn't notice them or dismissed them.

Your story (and mine) is more common thatn you might think.

[Kylo]

Not exactly.

But I did manage to blind myself to it very well at a young age by convincing myself I was stuck with a body and a role that was extremely uncomfortable. Not knowing the words or terms to describe the problem also adds to the nebulous sense of dysphoria. As a result I just accepted my unhappiness and life as a given.

Now the mist has cleared, many things are explained. It is also now impossible to ignore and do nothing about now that the words are known and the problem has been hunted down.

[Dena]

Yes and no. I wasn't exactly surprised but at age 13 I WANTED to become a girl. Before that I didn't have strong feelings about my gender one way or the other as everybody said I was a boy and who's to argue with everybody. Then one day in grade school, I realized  everybody was wrong about me and somehow I wan't comfortable with being just a boy any more.

[Deborah]

This is exactly the way it was for me too up until age 11.  Before that I really didn't have a clear idea in my head of the difference between the genders and never really had an urge to find out.

Yes and no. I wasn't exactly surprised but at age 13 I WANTED to become a girl. Before that I didn't have strong feelings about my gender one way or the other as everybody said I was a boy and who's to argue with everybody. Then one day in grade school, I realized  everybody was wrong about me and somehow I wan't comfortable with being just a boy any more.

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[suzifrommd]

I never considered myself to be trans. I wanted to be a woman, but I didn't understand enough about being trans to know that was what I might be.

I was 50 when I first considered I might be trans.

So the answer to the question in the topic subject line is YES.

[Jayne01]

Hi. Thanks for your replies. Being "surprised" is making me think that maybe I'm wrong about being trans. But thinking back with hindsight I probably shouldn't be surprised. One thing I do know for certain is that it is definitely NOT something I want because if I accept it, then I am turning my whole life upside down. I just don't know that I can fight it off anymore.

In my mind I keep comparing it to having cancer or something. I know that sounds horrible, but I know that I don't want cancer and if I had it I would fight it with everything I had. So I want to fight this with everything I have. I know it is an awful comparison and there is nothing wrong with being trans, but what happens if you don't want to be trans, then what? If I realised at a young age, I wouldn't be upturning so many people's lives. I am just one person. What right do I have to mess up so many other people's life for my own benefit. It seems so selfish. It would be different if it was something I really wanted, but I don't. I want it to just go away.

Jayne

[Deborah]

The cancer analogy fails because you don't fight it.  Rather you seek to cure it with the best tools the medical community has available.

So it is with being trans.  You seek the best cures available or you just decide to live with the discontinuity and the emotional toll that will inflict.


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[gennee]

I didn't know that I was transgender until I was fifty-six. I was surprised when I found out that I was a cross dresser. I never showed any inclination toward feminine things. I discovered that I was transgender a short time after I came out.

[Jayne01]

The cancer analogy fails because you don't fight it.  Rather you seek to cure it with the best tools the medical community has available.

So it is with being trans.  You seek the best cures available or you just decide to live with the discontinuity and the emotional toll that will inflict.

I don't like my options:
     1. Just live with the discontinuity and accept the effects it has
     2. Do something about it and in the process probably break the hearts of everybody I love
     3. Kill myself and as a result break the hearts of everyone I love

Option 1 seems to have the least effect on other people.

Maybe cancer would be better. At least me and everyone else would have the common goal of ridding the cancer.

Jayne

[WorkingOnThomas]

You know, number two isn't a given. I used to think it was, but as it turns out, I was wrong. I started coming out to my family in the last month, and I've gotten a lot of support. My Grandma and Grandpa were awesome about it. Just incredibly, incredibly awesome. I've gotten more love than I ever dared hope for, let alone thought I deserved.

[Tamika Olivia]

I agree with WorkingOnThomas. You may have a general idea of how your loved ones will react, but you can never know for sure. I was absolutely convinced that my parents would reject me outright when I came out to them. They were shocked and in grief, but they've stood beside me and come out the other side.

You can't hold back and hurt yourself to avoid hurting those around you. That way lies madness. If they are truly people worth loving, they'll want you to be your happiest and best self.

[Jayne01]

I don't think I'll be rejected by my family, but they will be hurt and worried and grieving. Especially my wife. She supports me, but that doesn't stop her hurting. And to know that I am the one causing the hurt is unbearable. It's a crappy situation all round and I can't find a solution that won't cause hurt or pain to someone.

[WorkingOnThomas]

I won't say everything has been hunky dory. Some people, most notably my mother, have been hurt. But watching me slowly drink myself to death was probably going to hurt her more.

Look, it is good to care about the people around you. But I just think that with something so intrinsic to one's being, trying to suppress it isn't going to get you happiness, or them, in the long run.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Hi Jayne,

I think it's important to remember that you don't have to have srs tomorrow or forever hold your peace. My therapist is telling me that I should approach this as finding ways to make myself feel better. Have you tried anything to feminze yourself? Something as simple as trimming body hair can help alot, plus you wouldn't be as anxious and could think more clearly.

Just a thought.

[Jayne01]

I won't say everything has been hunky dory. Some people, most notably my mother, have been hurt. But watching me slowly drink myself to death was probably going to hurt her more.

Look, it is good to care about the people around you. But I just think that with something so intrinsic to one's being, trying to suppress it isn't going to get you happiness, or them, in the long run.

I care very much about the people around me. What you are saying makes sense and if I was to give advice to someone else I would probably say the same thing. When it comes to listening to that advice myself, I will find all kinds of reasons (excuses?) why it doesn't apply to me. Right now I'm thinking that I didn't know I was transgender as a child it snuck up on me as an adult. Therefore, it must be something else and I need to find out what the something else and cure it and move on with my life. I know that isn't a logical argument, but those are the kind of arguments that run through my head and confuse the hell out of me.

Hi Jayne,

I think it's important to remember that you don't have to have srs tomorrow or forever hold your peace. My therapist is telling me that I should approach this as finding ways to make myself feel better. Have you tried anything to feminze yourself? Something as simple as trimming body hair can help alot, plus you wouldn't be as anxious and could think more clearly.

Just a thought.

Hi E, yes I have tried shaving my legs. I can explain that away because I like cycling and it is not uncommon for cyclists to shave their legs. I do have quite a bit of body hair, so shaving my legs is quite a noticeable difference. I like it. I like the feeling of smooth skin and not seeing all that fur. I also find it bothers me that I do like it so I would let it start growing back again only to find that it bothers me more to be furry, so I'll shave again. And so the cycle goes on. The reason it bothers me that I like the feeling and also enjoy the act of shaving is because it does make me feel more feminine, which makes me realise that I probably am transgender. But I don't want to be transgender, I want to fight off these feelings and be a normal guy. I'm making myself crazy with all this round about thinking, constantly going round in circles transgender...not transgender...transgender...not transgender...etc...

Even as I type this, I am fighting the urge to go and trim because it has been a few days and the fur is coming back. I'm treating it as some kind of addiction that I need to break free from. Maybe I only need to break free from my own mind and just let myself be.....

Jayne

[Dee Marshall]

Jayne, let me point out something to you.
.
.
.
You post here as "Jayne". Not a man's name. If that isn't who you are you would have posted as something less telling.

I get you. I was 54 when I began to suspect that I'm trans. I went to a non-gender therapist and considered every other possibility first, even serious conditions like schizophrenia. I'm trained in mental health. I knew exactly what I was looking at. Only being transgender really fit me. Sometimes our backgrounds can make us really good at hiding things from ourselves. I didn't remember most of the evidence. After nearly two years and 14 months of HRT I just remembered today that early in puberty I used to hide my naughty bits between my legs "to see what I would look like as a girl". I even tucked my testicles in the inguinal canal. Only denial explains forgetting stuff like that.

For 54 years I was happy only in fits and starts regardless of successes and triumphs. Now happy is my default setting even when things make me miserable. Heck, I'll be a stoat, fruit bat, or breakfast cereal to feel like this most of the time. Trans woman? That's a piece of cake.

BTW, I'm out to EVERYONE in my life. I got almost universal acceptance. Only my wife has had difficulty and we're working through that. It can happen.

[Kellam]

Jayne, I feel for you hon. I spent years in the circular "am I or am I not? I don't wanna!" It tortured me. I knew and supressed for so much of my life. Just keep taking baby steps. Don't think about transition just do what you need to to feel better. Clothing like underwear can help from day to day. Or women's pants or t shirts that lean androgynous. Who knows? For you a little can be enough. But for me every step I took made me feel so much better it was impossible to turn back. Like your leg fur situation.

You may want to look up the low dose hrt discussions here. There are ways to cope and everyone's path is different. Just breathe. Your loved ones will eventually be happy that you are happier and it will make things better in the end.

Be patient with yourself.

[Jayne01]

Thank you all for your support. I have a lot to think about. Actually, it is all I do lately. Thinking about my gender 24/7. It is all consuming!

I'm off to see my therapist in a couple of hours. Should be interesting.

Jayne

[sparrow]

Hey Jayne,

It might be good to take your mind off your gender a while.  That's hard for people in our situation (we've just discovered that we're trans, we don't really know "how trans" yet and we don't even know how to find out.)  Your gender is currently a source of anxiety and "spiraling" mental processes.  It can help to take a step back and really get your mind off your gender for a while.  The less you think about your gender, the less it will bother you.  Certain things will come naturally, and you'll think "oh no, boys can't... oh wait... I don't need to listen to that voice anymore."  Other things won't happen -- you might not actually want to voice training, or srs, or whatever.

Of course, when I suggest that you not think about your gender... I'm speaking from the experience of thinking about nothing but my gender for months on end and having an absolutely miserable time of it.  Aspects of my life forced me to think about other things (I did not up and decide to not think about my gender) and things got better for me.  Actively deciding "I'm not gonna dwell on X" has a miserable success rate in my experience -- but that's something a therapist can help with.