Hoping for a little help

[SaphirBlue]

Hello all,

I have tried posting this elsewhere and seeking help elsewhere, but I'm a little lost. I came across this site in my search and decided that maybe people here could offer me some advice.

This is my first post though, and I am very much new, so if I am off about where I should be (wouldn't be the first time), please let me know.

I am starting to doubt myself. Well, not really starting--I have been for many years now, but have been able to sort of ignore it. I was born male, and still live as male, but when I was growing up, I used to dream of being a girl. I would go to sleep wishing that when I woke up I would be a girl. I come from a rather conservative background though, and faced enough flak when I came out as bisexual.

I'm sorry if my explanation of my situation is not linear. I am finding this more difficult, even in such an anonymous setting, than I had imagined.

Anyway, as a young boy I had very feminine traits. Very long hair, short stature, and so on, to the point that many mistook me for a girl. As soon as puberty hit, that all changed. I ended up being 6'1", scraggly facial hair like all the men in my family, and built like a football player. I thought my feelings would change too, but they didn't. Not really. I only recognize that now. I managed to repress them for a very long time I think. Maybe. Or maybe my feelings are not what I think they are? This is why I am here. I am very much confused.

Up until recently, I had been able to ignore these thoughts. I'm 31 already, lived my entire life as a guy (yes, a bisexual guy, but very much a man's man so to speak), and I am even married to a wonderful woman. I'm confused then as to why these feelings that I had managed to ignore for so many years are coming at me now like a hurricane.

I am just not sure about myself. Am I transgendered? Or something else? What keeps me confused is that I can go weeks without thinking about it. And there are many things about being a guy that I very much enjoy. But the thoughts always come back. When I was a bit younger and more on my own, I used to cross dress in private and actually pretend I was a woman, only it didn't feel much like pretending, something I have not done since getting married. Part of me wonders if I just have a fetish, but it's not really sexual--it can be mingled with sexual urges but not always, not even most of the time, and that is likely due to my very active libido.

I don't know what is "normal" in these situations. I don't want my life to come undone, but I get very depressed when the feelings hit me like this. Sometimes I wonder if it is not that I should have been born female, but that I should have been more genderfluid, something my body just does not allow. I'm not sure if there is even a term to represent someone born very much a man (or woman) but who feels the need to be genderfluid. It's all very confusing.

If anyone here has any advice on the subject, I would greatly appreciate it. I suspect things like this fall upon the individual most of all, but here's hoping for some guidance.

[Peep]

Most of us don't really have linear narratives either, so don't worry about that part

I would say try experiementing with genderfluid and see how you feel. You don't have to label yourself immediately. The easiest thing to experiment with is clothing, although this isn't always a definite indicator...

Personally, i ID'd as genderqueer or genderfluid for a little while before i decided i was trans. I think because i was mentally easing myself into it. Others will happily settle at genderfluid.

A gender therapist can help you work these issues out too.

[Laura_7]

Hello and welcome 

Here are a few resources that could help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439


hugs

[SaphirBlue]

Thanks to both of you for your replies.

I think experimenting more would be a path for me, I just don't know how to go about it. I've never expressed these feelings to anyone I know. I love my wife and wouldn't want to hurt her. Moreover we have a kid on the way. I feel very selfish for thinking like this.

And all my other social connections... I really feel like it would destroy me if people found out I was even thinking like this.

I want to cry myself to sleep sometimes. I'm not sure how or where u could even find a therapist. My wife is in psychology and would be the one I'd normally go to for such resources

[KathyLauren]

I'm not sure how or where u could even find a therapist. My wife is in psychology and would be the one I'd normally go to for such resources

If you can discuss it with your wife, I would recommend doing so.  But I know that's a tough call - I haven't been able to do it yet.  Don't discuss it with her in her professional capacity, though, just as husband and wife.  She may have connections to be able to help you find a suitable therapist.

[SaphirBlue]

If you can discuss it with your wife, I would recommend doing so.  But I know that's a tough call - I haven't been able to do it yet.  Don't discuss it with her in her professional capacity, though, just as husband and wife.  She may have connections to be able to help you find a suitable therapist.

I take it you are in a similar situation then? I know it wold be dumb to talk to her right now though considering we already have one huge life change coming with the baby. It doesn't help that we are in a financial situation where we are living with her mother too.

I think the thing that has pushed me to this limit is that, after some deep reflection, I am confident that if I were living alone I would embrace this side of me. I'm just terrified of hurting those I am close to. I wish there was a way I could gauge how they would react before admitting to this...

[KathyLauren]

I take it you are in a similar situation then?

Yes, very much so.  I have had the same internal debate with myself.  At this point, I am concluding that the pain it would cause (mostly to her, but also to myself) to come out to her would far outweigh the benefit to me.

I am not saying this to recommend one course of action or another to you.  I'm just saying that I can sure relate to the dilemma.  My advice to talk to her was based on general principles: usually talking is better than not talking.  But it is your judgement call, and you know her better than we do.

[CarlyMcx]

This is just speculation on my part -- I am not a shrink and I don't know you, but there is a lot of what you said that is very consistent with being transgender.

And when you have things going on in your life like wife and family, it is very easy to bury those feelings for ten years at a time, or more.  I certainly managed to do that.

The problem is, as you get older, they come to the surface more and more, and more strongly each time.

And if you are transgender, and you keep trying to suppress that side of yourself, it can have some nasty health consequences in terms of stress related illnesses.

You may be able to bury this, but believe me, you do not want to be dealing with this when it comes up again in your 40's or your 50's.

I had the "gender thing" work its way to the surface several times in my life, and I managed to bury it, go back into denial, and "get on with life."  The problem now is, I am 52, have been fighting anxiety and panic attacks and high blood pressure for nearly ten years, and I have to deal with this now.

So I came out to my wife, and started dressing around the house.  That provided a lot of relief, but eventually in order to stay healthy, there is a gender therapist and hormones in my near term future.

[Tessa James]

I take it you are in a similar situation then? I know it wold be dumb to talk to her right now though considering we already have one huge life change coming with the baby. It doesn't help that we are in a financial situation where we are living with her mother too.

I think the thing that has pushed me to this limit is that, after some deep reflection, I am confident that if I were living alone I would embrace this side of me. I'm just terrified of hurting those I am close to. I wish there was a way I could gauge how they would react before admitting to this...

Oh what would we give for a crystal ball?   I agree that being transgender is very persistent, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not and, if repressed will eventually be that hurricane you mentioned.  Honestly tho we will always be vulnerable to the ones we hold so closely and I trust you will find ways to let more of the truth about you be known.  Sharing such deep secrets can even bring you closer as others share with you in return.

[Deborah]

Although the details differ the themes and storyline in your narrative mirror mine.

My psychologist told me that if one is trans it's something that isn't ever going to go away. 

You can just try to ignore and suppress it again but each time you lock it back in the box the pressure builds.  Eventually it just explodes into a melt down that might manifest itself in physical or emotional meltdown.

That doesn't mean there is any one only path to follow from here but you must accept that it's real and figure out how to deal with it.  The one thing I think most here would agree on is that eventually you have no choice in confronting this thing face to face.  Better to do that now rather than wait for the meltdown to occur.

Coming to this forum helps both in educating yourself and more importantly in seeing that you are not the only one and that many others have nearly identical stories.  Also, speaking with an experienced professional helps a lot for peace of mind and in developing where to go from here.

For now just know that you are not alone and you are not crazy. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SaphirBlue]

I've been reading this forum a lot since posting my original message, and I am finding a lot of it useful--as well as those replies left here. Still, though I wish I could, I can't say I am any closer to a decision, solution, or even complete understanding of my situation. Still, I want to express thanks to everyone for the time you took in writing your replies.

I also want to ask if anyone who has experienced backlash from someone close upon coming out could tell me how they handled it, or supply me with a resource for such information? I think I could handle anyone I know severing ties short of my wife. She is the most precious thing in my life and... well... if it took it, I would sacrifice my happiness for her. She is generally an open-minded individual though, so the "what if" eats at me like some insatiable parasite, if that makes sense.

[Laura_7]

Its difficult to say how people react.
Yet there might be a few pointers.

How is her view on lgbt issues ?

And there was a very good posting by someone saying if you can be close and really share deep inner feelings its more likely they can accept.
If this closeness is not there yet it might be possible to work on it.

*hugs*

[SaphirBlue]

Its difficult to say how people react.
Yet there might be a few pointers.

How is her view on lgbt issues ?

And there was a very good posting by someone saying if you can be close and really share deep inner feelings its more likely they can accept.
If this closeness is not there yet it might be possible to work on it.

*hugs*

She is very accepting of LGBT issue. She knew I was bi from the first moment we met (and that I had in fact had a boyfriend before her). But accepting that I'm bi, I feel, is entirely different from this.

We do talk about our inner feelings a lot, and normally it works out fine. But there have been fights started over such sharing too.

[Qrachel]

Hi Sapphireblue:

I hope what I'm about to say lands well - you sound pretty much like most adult MTF gender dysphoric males at the beginning of coming out.  I thought I was sooo unique and was miffed to find out that wasn't that special little flower so unique from us all (lol).

I though a bit a sharing might help too:

• Nationally recognized football player who married the home coming queen
• After a long marriage we couldn't make it work after the discussion - eventually expanded family excommunicated me (maybe I could be catholic now  )
• I was originally going to have to settle for being a guy in a dress - not!
• Started a new career (I had wanted to anyway) and have done super well
• I am very public, advocate for causes in the straight world - have raised tons of money
• Sometimes still don't fully understand this crazy, beautiful, wonderful life
  
• and so on . . .

You have a great platform to become the woman you are, and if you want it it will happen.  Stay in touch here, find a gender therapist, and consider a support group.

Best of everything to you and please stay in touch,

Rachel

[Jamie_06]

You sound pretty similar to me, though I started having "girl thoughts" at puberty instead of from birth. I'm still trying to figure myself out too; I can use the body I have but would still prefer a female one I think.

Anyway, experimenting with wearing female clothes and possibly going out to public places en femme, to try the experience and see how you like it, will probably help you figure things out. That's what I plan on doing once I can find my own apartment. Also, agreed on finding a gender therapist.