Anti depressants, life, and being comfortable with oneself?

[teamsaxon]

*Warning that this will probably be long winded and exhausting to read*

Has anyone else felt different about themselves/their appearance/etc. while on anti depressants?
I have been going steady on paroxetine for about a year now since switching between medications to find a suitable anti anxiety/depressant.

I used to be very uncomfortable with my looks/body/name/anything that identified me as female. Since being on medication and the pill (to stop the extremely painful and debilitating monthly periods) I have been less interested in myself. It is very difficult to explain; I find myself not as interested in trans news, breakthroughs in surgical procedures, blogs.. a lot of different things I used to eagerly read up on 2-3 years ago.
I don't know if I was going through a phase or the mash of hormones in my brain and body are mixing up my thoughts and feelings.

I still desperately want top surgery, but I don't know if I identify as a man. I used to feel I was too much of a girl to even call myself a man, I still do. I don't know if it is some internalised crap that makes me feel like that.. I had friends in high school (about the last year or two of high school) who used my chosen pronouns (he/him/his) and my name but the name never felt right. I have had a different one for a while which seems to feel more 'me'. I never felt right in myself since late puberty but never had the common 'kid asks parent why they aren't a boy/girl' story like most trans people. I don't even know how I came across gender identity. Through out my early high school life I was a little oblivious to what I saw in myself, but once I cut my hair and bound my chest I felt happier.. at least a little bit.

Anyway, back to the medication. I am a little concerned about how my future will pan out as far as my identity is concerned. I'm not at all interested in relationships so that is fine, I don't have any proper friends at the moment either but I am sure that will crop up in the future. What my biggest worry is, I guess, if I ever get off these medications whether my opinion or view of myself will change or stay as 'I don't even know'. Or if I happen to stay on the medication.. will I ever stop putting my self image last? I feel as if ever since I've been on these medications that my 'journey' as it is, has fallen by the wayside. One thing that has changed though, is my social life which I feel may impact on how I look at myself.. I have been unemployed since I finished school in 2012, and my interactions with other people don't occur as often as they once did. This obviously makes me isolated which was a factor for my anxiety. I still feel very uncomfortable with people referring to me as 'she' or 'lady'.
It's like .. how do they even know?! This is what confuses me though. If I am not comfortable with female pronouns but I feel like I'm not truly a man, what am I exactly?

I guess I am just looking for someone to relate to..
Has anyone else ever felt like this?

[kaleb234]

As an FtM I can honestly say that I've had intense feelings of inadequacy, and not feeling like a "real man". Unfortunately, I think it's common. Those feelings alone definitely don't mean you're not trans (though you're the only one who can figure out your identity). Now that I've been on T for 1.5 years, and have had top surgery, those feelings have lessened significantly. I often go through my day almost forgetting that I'm even trans. In saying that, there are still times when I feel inadequate and self-conscious (though that's almost entirely revolving around sex).

As for the antidepressants- I've been taking them for about 6 months and in my experience the only change in myself has been a decrease in suicidal thoughts. My view of myself has not changed.

Good luck figuring things out

[Qrachel]

Dear TeamSaxon:

If you could share a little more info it might be easier to respond to you - but only if you are comfortable of course.  For example:

• Are you on T?
• Do you see a psych MD/endo/etc?
• Are you in some form of structured counseling with a gender professional?
• Might there be other conditions and/or circumstances that bear on your depression and/or gender expression?

In the interim, I am reluctant to comment on your specific situation.  It seems a good gender therapist or pscyh MD is where you need to take these questions.  I suffered from depression most of my life and have been on/off/on/off/on Celxa for the last 15 years and am on right now.  It really helps me and when depression isn't a major concern, life looks very different to me.  (This has all been done under the care of a therapist, endo, and psych MD.)  Your mileage may/will vary!

Take care and please stay in touch - talking to good listeners is such a vital part of being healthy.

Rachel

[WorkingOnThomas]

I'm actually in the process of going off my antidepressants to see if I can function without them now that I'm transitioning. So far, so good. The only change I've noticed in the way that I perceive myself is that when I look in the mirror, I now sometimes have a good feeling instead of my usual self loathing. But like I said, I'm finally transitioning, so I'm probably still feeling the afterglow from coming out. I worry that it'll wear off eventually as I start to cope with HRT ups and downs. No guarantees.

[Lady Smith]

Paroxetine is not an antidepressant that I feel all that comfortable about.  When I was still working at the clinic we had a lot of clients have very real problems with the side effects of paroxetine.  The most important thing is to not  stop taking it without medical advice because the effects of sudden discontinuation can be severe and extremely distressing.

[Kylo]

I've been on a few different kinds of ADs and anti anxiety drugs, almost ten years ago now but not touched them since. For me they do nothing, other than prevent me from sleeping. They didn't affect how I felt about myself, they just flattened my mood so that everything felt extremely boring, and that being awake felt closer to being asleep and being asleep felt closer to being awake.

I did watch my partner begin to take ADs last year, though for a few months. He became super emotional and even started crying after watching a movie - unheard of - and started worrying out of the blue about "us". Then he had to stop because they caused his low blood pressure to spike and started passing out. So I've no doubt that even if these things do not work on me, they do cause anxiety in others, even when that's the opposite of what they are meant to be doing.

As for what you are, do you really need someone else to tell you the answer to that? You're a sentient being. You can choose what you're going to think of yourself as, and what the boundaries of the definitions are. If you can't settle on anything from man-made definitions, maybe you are your own thing, completely unique in the universe, and what's wrong with that? Personally I think we are all unique - gender is more of a guideline when it comes to reality and nature, by no means fixed or immutable. I guess one of the few perks of being probably the only animal to suffer extreme existential angst, is that we also have imagination.

[Asche]

I just looked up "paroxetine".  It is (was?) marketed under the name Paxil.  (I took it for a while, decades ago.)

Echoing what Lady Smith said.  Try to switch to something else -- but under medical supervision.

1.  This drug has some nasty side effects, although it varies a lot from person to person.  Wikipedia has a whole page of them.  I've heard a fair amount about this on the WWW over the past year or so.  Some people do okay, some don't.

2.  Stopping this drug also can have nasty side effects, sometimes lasting for months.  (Google "paxil withdrawal")  The usual advice is to taper off over a few months and/or replace it with a different SSRI.  There's a "quitpaxil" web site with some (not vetted) advice from users.  However, as Lady Smith has indicated, you should get medical advice (and supervision) when doing so.

Oh, by the way, when googling "Paxil", I see that it can cause birth defects, so don't take it if you're pregnant (or going to be.)  I see it's also not recommended for children or teenagers: side effects, and not generally effective.

[cindianna_jones]

Just after I started my transition, I decided to go back and try the guy thing again. I was seeing a "good church psyc guy" ... I won't even give him the credit of his title. He put me on something. I don't remember what. I have it in my journals... but it was impossible for me. I missed minutes, hours, and sometimes, I'd miss a whole day of my life. I just walked around like an automaton, I suppose. I hated it and finally got rid of them.

I took Paxil 15 years ago or so for a few months. It made me lazy and took away my edge at work. Engineering in silly con valley is very competitive and I was fearful of losing my job. I quit taking it. It didn't help with the "downs" I was feeling at the time. I have up and down periods. And I love it when I'm up. I am super productive and whatever I've got my head buried in is the whole world to me at the time.

I took Amatryptoline (sic) for a while for the side effects it had on helping diminish pain with my peripheral neuropathy. It did help with the pain but it made me stupid lazy. I took it for a year or so and realized that I was doing nothing with my life. So I talked with my doctor and found something else. It is a med for epileptics and makes me super dizzy when I am standing in one place. I just fall backwards. So, I pace or take a cane if I know I'll be standing in a line somewhere.

Those are my experiences, but I know I'm not terribly receptive to medications in the way they are intended.

In any case, talk to your medical professionals. I don't know where you are in transition, but if you have a chance to go back and not care... wouldn't that be good? I think you do need solid medical advice on this one. Your therapist should be in on it as well.

Best of luck.
Cindi

[Rachel]

I have been on escitalopram because of suicidal ideation and unplanned spontaneous attempts of suicide. The suicidal ideation is mostly gone and I feel better about myself (may be from acceptance). However, when triggered I still have severe GD and my actions can still be unpredictable.   I see my PA-C on the 16th of November and I want to see what he thinks.

About how you see you gender, if you are not seeing a gender therapist you may want to consider seeing one. Many trans are not binary and in group I would estimate 25% are non-binary.

[teamsaxon]

Dear TeamSaxon:

If you could share a little more info it might be easier to respond to you - but only if you are comfortable of course.  For example:

• Are you on T?
• Do you see a psych MD/endo/etc?
• Are you in some form of structured counseling with a gender professional?
• Might there be other conditions and/or circumstances that bear on your depression and/or gender expression?

In the interim, I am reluctant to comment on your specific situation.  It seems a good gender therapist or pscyh MD is where you need to take these questions.  I suffered from depression most of my life and have been on/off/on/off/on Celxa for the last 15 years and am on right now.  It really helps me and when depression isn't a major concern, life looks very different to me.  (This has all been done under the care of a therapist, endo, and psych MD.)  Your mileage may/will vary!

Take care and please stay in touch - talking to good listeners is such a vital part of being healthy.

Rachel

I am not on T. Only the pill for the reasons stated above. I am anxious to go to the doctor about this as all the doctors at my gp know me and I feel awkward bringing it up with them. I have not come out to any of my immediate family, but I have a feeling my sister and her boyfriend would be accepting of whatever I could tell them. It's just a very scary thing to have to think about doing, and my anxiety does not help that at all.

I used to see a very good psych but that was more about jobs and the fact I was at an unemployment office and he was their psych. Although he doesn't work there anymore and he is running a private practice, and I am looking to get my mental health plan changed to get apps. with him.

As I said I am not seeing a gender psych/etc and I am too scared to bring it up with doctors, but I might just have to bite the bullet. I think I may have to think of what I would say or how I would exactly bring it up. I may just say simply I am uncomfortable with my gender. I really don't know.

Other factors.. well I am not sure. I don't know if anything else would affect my gender expression. I'm not in a relationship, I was unemployed for 2-3 years so isolated from people, I have had things going on with my grandfather getting mesothelioma (asbestosis) in March/April so that has been taking up a lot of my life; helping my mum etc.

I've been on a few different kinds of ADs and anti anxiety drugs, almost ten years ago now but not touched them since. For me they do nothing, other than prevent me from sleeping. They didn't affect how I felt about myself, they just flattened my mood so that everything felt extremely boring, and that being awake felt closer to being asleep and being asleep felt closer to being awake.

I did watch my partner begin to take ADs last year, though for a few months. He became super emotional and even started crying after watching a movie - unheard of - and started worrying out of the blue about "us". Then he had to stop because they caused his low blood pressure to spike and started passing out. So I've no doubt that even if these things do not work on me, they do cause anxiety in others, even when that's the opposite of what they are meant to be doing.

As for what you are, do you really need someone else to tell you the answer to that? You're a sentient being. You can choose what you're going to think of yourself as, and what the boundaries of the definitions are. If you can't settle on anything from man-made definitions, maybe you are your own thing, completely unique in the universe, and what's wrong with that? Personally I think we are all unique - gender is more of a guideline when it comes to reality and nature, by no means fixed or immutable. I guess one of the few perks of being probably the only animal to suffer extreme existential angst, is that we also have imagination.

The reason I got onto the ADs was the fact that I was completely disinterested in life and what I was supposed to be doing. My anxiety was pretty bad too. It was really hard to become motivated about anything. Then I started paxil and I just felt so much better about a lot of things. I wouldn't have a job now if I hadn't started that or seen a proper psych, who worked really well with me.

Yes..  I know I don't need someone to tell me what I am but I guess I am looking for an answer? It's what I do with everything, I need to be sure of things otherwise I just worry or over think. I just want that simple answer to things that obviously aren't that simple.

I just looked up "paroxetine".  It is (was?) marketed under the name Paxil.  (I took it for a while, decades ago.)

Echoing what Lady Smith said.  Try to switch to something else -- but under medical supervision.

1.  This drug has some nasty side effects, although it varies a lot from person to person.  Wikipedia has a whole page of them.  I've heard a fair amount about this on the WWW over the past year or so.  Some people do okay, some don't.

2.  Stopping this drug also can have nasty side effects, sometimes lasting for months.  (Google "paxil withdrawal")  The usual advice is to taper off over a few months and/or replace it with a different SSRI.  There's a "quitpaxil" web site with some (not vetted) advice from users.  However, as Lady Smith has indicated, you should get medical advice (and supervision) when doing so.

Oh, by the way, when googling "Paxil", I see that it can cause birth defects, so don't take it if you're pregnant (or going to be.)  I see it's also not recommended for children or teenagers: side effects, and not generally effective.

I don't think I would be able to switch, I did a lot of swapping when I went through a bad stomach stage on paxil. In saying that, paxil is the only AD which my body has agreed with. I tried many different types including fluoxetine (prozac), sertraline (zoloft), and desvenlafaxine (pristiq). I had some very bad side effects on all of these; insomnia, jaw clenching, brain fog, waking up multiple times during the night in a daze, etc. Paxil is the only one that I had very little side effects with. It also seems to be alright with my stomach now.
When I stopped paxil I had terrible withdrawals, I was over emotional, depressed, anxious, and I came off it too quick. I definitely do not plan on getting pregnant, I am not pregnant presently, and I am 21.. so not a teenager.

[teamsaxon]

One thing I should add:
I am in South Australia. The legal stuff here sucks in regards to gender, operations etc.
As far as I am aware, this info is about 2 years old.. here you have to be on hormones for a year to have top surgery.
Otherwise there is no way to have it done. Preventative surgery is not an option either, they will not remove healthy tissue (my grandma had breast cancer which I thought would give me a reason to get my chest done but no it is not a valid reason to have preventative surgery).
I was told my only option would be to go overseas, which I obviously cannot do.

[Asche]

First of all, I wish you luck with all this -- both the depression and the gender dysphoria.  Both are hard roads.

My own experience with antidepressants:  I've used Paxil (paroxitene), Serzone (nefazodone), and am now on Welbutrin (bupropion), and my son is on Lexapro (escitalopram)

As far as I can tell, they don't actually affect my mood; the SSRIs make me feel anaesthetized, but not happier.  (The Welbutrin seems to make me feel more compelled to do something.)  In my experience, what the antidepressants do is to allow me to function, and I have mostly taken them at times in my life when I was just not able to "go out and do what needs to be done" (to use Garrison Keillor's words.)  I think it has a similar effect on my son, but since he has never been able to consistently go out and do what needs to be done, it doesn't have the same effect on his behavior (he doesn't have past behavior patterns to rely on.)