For me, the suicidal stuff is hard to talk about as well, but I've talked about it with my mom and therapist and a couple close friends so they understand my context and where my rock bottom was. I know not everyone has an epiphany moment, but for me it was when I realized my family and the people who care about me would rather have me as a trans woman than a corpse. They know my reasons for it and my reasons for staying. My major driving force is the knowledge that I can only get happier as I move through my path as there's nothing to go back on or to for me.
Your experience immediately following a major prescription change, tells me that it might have something to do with it. Or it might be that your hormones are busy evening out. Or any number of possibilities but you're going to have to be open and forthcoming with your doctors and counsellors in order to find the best course for your treatment and alleviating your dysphoria. Finding the right HRT balance is going to require an experimentation period where your doctors will adjust things as long as they have all the facts and know about your adverse effects.
I'm just recently switching to patches for my estrogen because I've been worried about my mood instability. But it has been playing havoc on me adjusting to the consistency of the dosage. It'll take me a little over a month before I can have my levels tested and dose adjusted if necessary. I'm eager for the better result, but I totally get how it isn't easy. Hang in there and trust your medical and mental health professionals.
Hugs,
- Katie
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