haven't been on in a while, been very buys. October started with a new job. still there and doing good at it. Then I wen o southern comfort conference. had a  blast met a great bunch of girls, learned a lot and can't wait to do it again next year. hopefully get to meet some of you. start saving now.... fort lauderdale in october is awesome..... have been trying to get more involved in trans community and love going to my support groups...
so my hormone levels were sucking despite doing hrt for over a year... only seen so boobage.....we believe it is cause M body does  not absorb  hny oral  meds due to gastric bypass surgert. last week i got my first anti t shot.. since taking i have noticed breast sensitivity and more emotional... .love it... but tiday on my way home from work i had some serious suicidal idealations. the most vivid was tonight. in my mind i saw that i should run a hose to my apartment from my cars exhaust.. the only thing that stopped e was realizing that would kill my kitties also so instead of coming home i went and spent three hours cleaning my ca

So what do you think is causing this

I remember my therapist asking me if i ever had suicidal thought, I responded doesnt everybody. Imagine my surprise when she said no, wow all those years i thought it was normal. what i do now is when i am in bad way bump my therapy appointments closer and when doing better. go once a month. maybe you can get more appointments.

stephanie beside being bat->-bleeped-<- crazy i don't know. to be honest i guess it is i have a percieved notion of the person I want to be... not trans way but as a human being and I get pissed at myself for not living up to my expectations and feel that if i cant be that type of person i should not be on earth...I know sounds stupid but that is how my thinking is.
Brenda I see my therapist and counselor once a week. i don't share my suicidal idealizations with them out of fear that i will get sent back to the mental ward and all that i have accompished like my job and getting out more will be jeopardized. i also see my psychiatrist every 2 to 4 weeks.

ps what do you all think of the new profile pic....personally i think it looks hot....if only peope can see me at that angle in that lighting all the time.\

Well, I can relate because that's one of my major problems of screwing up my past and not working hard enough.

Kelly the whole point of therapy is to work out problems, i you hold back the issue you only hold back yourself. I doubt you will end up in a mental ward, you seem as sane as the rest of us. While the say everyones journey is different you have to think its amazing all the simmilarites we do share. your pic looks great btw

For me, the suicidal stuff is hard to talk about as well, but I've talked about it with my mom and therapist and a couple close friends so they understand my context and where my rock bottom was. I know not everyone has an epiphany moment, but for me it was when I realized my family and the people who care about me would rather have me as a trans woman than a corpse. They know my reasons for it and my reasons for staying. My major driving force is the knowledge that I can only get happier as I move through my path as there's nothing to go back on or to for me.
Your experience immediately following a major prescription change, tells me that it might have something to do with it. Or it might be that your hormones are busy evening out. Or any number of possibilities but you're going to have to be open and forthcoming with your doctors and counsellors in order to find the best course for your treatment and alleviating your dysphoria. Finding the right HRT balance is going to require an experimentation period where your doctors will adjust things as long as they have all the facts and know about your adverse effects.
I'm just recently switching to patches for my estrogen because I've been worried about my mood instability. But it has been playing havoc on me adjusting to the consistency of the dosage. It'll take me a little over a month before I can have my levels tested and dose adjusted if necessary. I'm eager for the better result, but I totally get how it isn't easy. Hang in there and trust your medical and mental health professionals.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

KATIE. all my life i have had suicide idealitions and it is not because i am trans... they have gotten better since i went on estrogen but recently they just scare the ->-bleeped-<- out of me. i am afraid to share with my therapist because these have been so vivid and i have had many attempts.