I feel lost

[Marienz]

HI,
I am a straight female.
I'm not sure how to work this forum, so hopefully I have placed my topic in the right place. I have been with a wonderful man for nearly 3 years, who gives me everything I have wanted in life. We have always talked about having a baby and a family and plans for our life. I would of suspected we would be engaged sometime next year. I knew he crossdressed into womans clothing in the bedroom and for sexual intimacy. But I have since found out he has been doing this allot when I am not home, and even changing his voice.
I had a straight out conversation with him last night and he said he didn't know if he would be a Man or a Female in the future, but he wanted to explore around home as a female first. I was fine with the sexual crossdressing as a bit of fun. I really want to be married to a man and not a woman and he says he wants to still have a family, but maybe be two mums.
I'm feeling scared, lost and confussed on what to do. I want to support him, but I dont know if he goes through if a full transition, that it is for me. feeling sad...

[Anna33]

Hello Jaimej

You are definitely in the right place.  I will be as honest as I can.

First of all, don't be scared! I know it's super hard for you to process all of this all of a sudden, but don't be scared. Let things take its course naturally. Let's see the positives:

I think that it is fantastic that your partner came out to you before marriage and before kids happened, so you have the chance to decide what you want for yourself in the future. I'd say that was super noble of him.

it is perfectly normal that your partner is genuinely attracted to you and wants to have a relationship with you despite of his gender issues, because it seems like he is not struggling with his sexuality, just his gender.

What I would do is to investigate together with your partner to see if he effectively suffers gender dysphoria and it is not just crossdressing for fun. Exploring is the right thing to do I'd say. He wants to make sure he's not just confused.

Transition takes time. However, so he has to understand that you will need some time to readjust and make decisions. You only started dealing with this since the moment he came out to you. He has been dealing with it for much longer. Probably his whole life. So ask him not to rush, and to support each ohter.


If it helps, I am a trans woman, still married to my wife, a cisgender woman, just like you, whom I met ten ish years ago when I used to identify myself as male. I wanted to be honest to her about my confusion, which at the time I didn't know very sure what it was. while we are still together, we decided that we would do this very slowly so we could adjust to these changes as naturally as possible. I couldn't have done this without her support. My transition is probably taking longer than the average, if there is such thing as an average, but we are happy this way. I love her and I want her to be with me forever.

Maybe it is all too much for you to process at this point, which is perfectly understandable.

If you have any questions, ask me anything. if you'd rather ask me privately, feel free to send me a private message. 

big hugs,

Clara.

[Marienz]

HI Carla,
your reply was touching.
I'm not handling this well at all, I"m not sure how it would be to be female-female...I always saw him as a big strong man.
Has your wife, lost her identity as a woman through this process, with you?
I feel strange thinking of the sexual side of things even with him now...still as a man.
But I also feel selfish as I'm thinking about me, whether as maybe I should be worried about him now. I feel like my best friend has changed. I"m not sure how to act with him when I go home tonight or what to do. He is very clear he does not want to be with a man, but have a lesbian to lesbian relationship...but isn't that effectively asking me to be attracted to him as a female?

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. This can get really complicated but around here we see about 50% of the couples remain together after something like this. I hope when you fell in love with him it was because something you saw on the inside. That has alway been there and the transition isn't going to change it. if you will be comfortable in the relationship is something you will have to decide. I suggest both of you receive some therapy - him more that you so you both know what your true feelings are and if you can make it work. At this point your friend could be a cross dresser in which case this might work out or he could be transsexual forcing you to make a pretty had decision about your future.

The only person who can tell you with the future will be is him and it's possible at the moment he doesn't know. It will only be after therapy and possibly living full time that he will know for sure.

You are handling this pretty well considering the circumstances. We have had SOs who refuse to come to the site or see a therapist. You are making the effort to salvage the relationship, a task that may take a good deal of effort.

As for me, I understood at an early age what my future would be and avoided any relationships with the opposite gender. It wasn't the healthiest thing for be to do but I did in an attempt to avoid hurting anybody else. Some knew even younger than me and some discover this late in life. We have people on the site who are dealing with this at 50 or 60 years old so be thankful this is being addressed now before you marry. After you have children it gets far harder to deal with.

Feel free to ask me any question as I will not be offended by an honest quest for knowledge. I am completely open about my past and present on this site.

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[Nattiedoll]

Hey Jaime thanks for posting. First I'm sorry for the situation that you are in right now. From what I've read it seems that your boyfriend(not sure if it's your fiancé or husband) has to have some type of gender identity issue. I think the problem is is that everyone around the person that's dealing with it doesn't think twice or take the signs into consideration. Even the smallest clues of seeing them do things like dressing up changing voice etc can be much more than just playing around. He probably has had feelings of feeling feminine his whole life but kept them pent up. My advice is to always take every little thing into consideration so you won't be totally shocked if you find out he wants to turn full time. The best thing to do is try and get him to express his feeling the sooner the better. Unfortunately people in his situation feel held back most of the time to open up about it and they may isolate themselves and their feelings so it's best that you take the initiative and be the one to talk about these topics. I'm a trans woman 20 years old. Before transitioning I bottled upp all of my feelings of being womanly, my family saw clothes and makeup here and there but never thought anything of it and them not wanting to talk about it lead me to isolate myself from my family during the beginning of my transition. Now in my opinion I would understand if you don't want to pursue the relationship is he continues to move foward with this however it's important to be there for him no matter what.

Hope it works out hope I helped you somewhat?
Keep us updated.
Natalia

[cheryl reeves]

My wife married a man who is transgender,but we compromised as long as I stick too crossdressing our marriage will last,that means no hrt or gcs ,I'm fine with that for I already have natural breasts,and am fine with what I have below the belt..We will be married 27yrs next month.

[Marienz]

HI All,
thanks for all your replies I really appreciate them. NO matter what happens I would stand by him, I"m unsure yet what this will entail if as his partner or as his friend. I know for me having a family is very important, I wish to be a mum. I have tried to encourage him to open up more, so he said he will. He's not sure yet whether this is just cross dressing or taking it to full female and I'm not sure how I feel about the extreme. I have found him a gender counsellor to go to, and I hope that will help. thanks again all x

[Anna33]

HI Carla,
your reply was touching.
I'm not handling this well at all, I"m not sure how it would be to be female-female...I always saw him as a big strong man.
Has your wife, lost her identity as a woman through this process, with you?
I feel strange thinking of the sexual side of things even with him now...still as a man.
But I also feel selfish as I'm thinking about me, whether as maybe I should be worried about him now. I feel like my best friend has changed. I"m not sure how to act with him when I go home tonight or what to do. He is very clear he does not want to be with a man, but have a lesbian to lesbian relationship...but isn't that effectively asking me to be attracted to him as a female?

My laptop ran out of battery so i will reply from my phone:

No she hasnt. She became my role model. She taught me how to dress, what to wear, how to sit, how to walk, how to use the womens restroom, everything. Ive felt a woman in the wrong body for 32 years but only been one for less than 3 months!! So many things to learn!!! Its both exiting and overwhelming.

We are doing super well, thank god. She is starting to use female pronouns on me when talking to me which i love it but i dont mind when she doesnt. Like i said before, i knew before hand that this would take time.
But i always wanted to watch over her during this period. My priority is that she feels good and protected. I might have changed my apearance but she is still my little girl and i will always protect her. (Mind you shes 5'6'' and i am 5'9'' so we are almost the same height, we are both size s of clothes so i get to steal some of her stuff and she steals mine lol)

But to be real for a sec, we had and still have some difficulties, it wasnt this glamorous right from the start. Every couple deals with it differently but i just wanted to emphasize how important it is to respect and love each other and be extra compassionate during this period. Both of you are feeling very sensitive probably and a little overwhelmed. It is normal. So just be patient. Things will work out. If you feel like going out shopping for girly stuff with your prtner thats fantastic. If you are not ready yet thats perfect too. Just say 'im not ready yet. I will let you know when i am'

Your aproach is the best and the healthiest one.

Intimate moments for us have not changed very much. I was full male at first because she wasnt comfy with the female on female thing but we adjusted over time and now we are fantastic. I dont suffer genital dysphoria. So obv i am non op there, and probably always will be. If there is true love it doesnt matter much how we look on the outside.

I am the same as your partner. I find men repulsive, lol. I am only sexually and romantically atracted to females. I joke and say to my wife that the only way id ever end up being with a guy is if she transitioned into a trans man. It helps that we are both demisexual and we dont care about looks, but how we feel when we are together. Our soul doesnt change.

Tell your partner that you understand what he wants but that you need time to process it. It would be like you asking him to be in a relationship with a man from a day to another. He just couldnt do it, hed need time to adjust. Hope that makes sense.

Doing things Little by little and always taking it easy it makes things work. Big hugs, and if you ever need to talk or anything, just ask away or pm me or any of the girls we would be pleased to help.  x

Clara


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[Marienz]

HI Carla,
how do I send you a private message? Its telling me that I"m not allowed to send them, is there a trick to it? thanks

[Laura_7]

HI Carla,
how do I send you a private message? Its telling me that I"m not allowed to send them, is there a trick to it? thanks

Well you need 15 postings to be able to send private messages.
You can receive though.

Until then you might use postings... or maybe the chat...

[Marienz]

Aha thanks for that:)
Things have been up and down, I have found the last 3 nights since my partner told me quite confussing and I haven't known what I was doing. The hard part is that he (in his current state) is going through a hard time as well. We have had many discussions and there has been so many tears on both of our sides. Last night he asked if I'm okay with him  dressing up at home for the night....of course I was, I have no problem about that at all, infact I thought He looked nice. I guess the struggle comes in for me, if he went to full removal of his man part...I"m not sure if that is something I coudl handle. it must be so hard for him as he doesn't know what he wants or how far he wants to take this...I feel terribly bad for him. We love each other to bits and I feel devastated that he is going through this. Personally myself I haven't been coping well at work at all, mostly a mess.
I love him so much and he has been very honest that he wouldn't do hormones if he does this, until after we are pregnant so it does nto affect his erection state.
I want so badly to do more for him...but I feel in a state of limbo as well.
Sorry I"m not being offense by saying him...but I dont know what else to call him right now.
Thanks to all reading my posts xx

[Laura_7]

here are some resources that might help understand:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

Well its a transgender spectrum...
so its individual where people feel comfortable...
from crossdressing to more...
its well possible your partner needs a gender therapist and a few sessions to find out what they like and need...
it might take some easy reversible steps at first, like changes to hair and clothing style...

I'd say its simply nobodys fault, just talk about it, and its a step by step process... just talk about it...

there are many who have gone through this process and succeeded...


*hugs*

[Marienz]

Thanks, his counselling for gender starts on Wednesday and I to am seeing someone Tuesday to help me understand more and what I am comfortable with. I hope we get through this, I really do. x

[Laura_7]

Thanks, his counselling for gender starts on Wednesday and I to am seeing someone Tuesday to help me understand more and what I am comfortable with. I hope we get through this, I really do. x

Just keep talking....

and it is a step by step process, just take the next step...

you can do this together 


hugs

[Anna33]

I dont think that your partner would go for srs would he? I have completely ruled it out personally as im very happy with my genitals the way they are. Tucking is not that hard and with a little bit of practise and 'the gaff' you can even wear a bikini! Lol

Thats ok. Btw. If at this moment he identifies as male theres no prob with calling him a he. Has your partner chosen a name yet?
Hormones will not mess with his erections much but he might become infertile so its wise to wait until you are preggers before hes on t blockers



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[Marienz]

Hi Carla:)
You have been so helpful! Thank you:) I'm hoping he won't go for srs as that would be maybe to much for me, when I ask him he says he doesn't think so and it scares him to think of it! I haven't asked him but I'm guessing it will be Krissy it Chrissy.. Maybe.
That's helpful news on the hormones, he agrees not to take them until after a baby is born to ensure he/she is healthy and ok! I helped choose some clothes for him to wear around the house tonight, because I want him to be comfortable and figure things out for him the best he can.
I'm still hurting inside:(
Thanks for caring


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[Cindy]

Hi Jamiej

My heart goes out to you, as I am sure all of the people on this site do.

Being transgender is not a choice, but by lord so many of us fight it. Hoping that somehow we can be cured.

The first question that most transgender MtF ask their therapist is how to make them be a man. Sadly it isn't possible. You can change bodies but you can't change brains.

Our wives and families are so often caught up in the disaster zone of our transitions, and it takes incredible strength to accept and maybe one day understand; from both sides.

Your husband loves you. He would have fought his transgender feelings for ever, hoping against hope they would go away.

Sadly they do not.

You had and have your dreams of meeting a man, having a family and being 'normal' (whatever that is!).

Those dreams are in tatters.

But, and this is the big BUT; your husband loves you. You chose each other. The dreams are the same; just the reality has changed.

I'm married and we have celebrated our 33 Anniversary last August. Yes I knew I was TG before we married and I told her; we loved (and still do love each other), so we married.

To be honest it has been a very easy marriage, we have faced situations I would not wish on anyone, but throughout it we had one thing. Love.

She is heterosexual; I'm also straight (I like men), we have been faithful to each other. Because we love each other.

Once you accept; if you can, a transgender partner, there are no rules; there is just understanding. That can take a while.

Lovely to have you on the site

Cindy

[Asche]

One approach to the "how can we have children" question is sperm banking.

Someone I know just went through that.  It cost a few thousand dollars for a 10-year contract (renewable.)  This was in New  York City, where everything is more expensive.

For the FTM folks, there's also ovum banking.  The same place also does that.  I'm not sure of the procedure, but I assume it's more complicated.

[Marienz]

HI All,

thanks again for all your replies! I appreciated hearing from all of you ladies:)
I love my partner more then anything in the world, everything about him, intelligence, our goals and our life. I dont have a problem with the wearing of woman's clothes. I guess where things become to much for me is when SRS (is that the name?) takes place, I like the male organ and I dont think I could cope with this:( it makes me feel so sad.
he is happy to stay off the hormones until after a baby, and sadly we cannot really afford to bank his sperm, as we are renovating our home currently as well.
I still feel quite confused myself, i'm scared he is going to change and I will lost the person inside that I fell in love with and that all of a sudden that person will be gone. Does this happen? I have offered to take him to buy other womans clothes later today, to get some more nice pieces:)

Hello Carla, could you tell me, did you go through hormones? and how did it affect you if you did? is it a lifeline pills that need to be taken or a course over time?
Thanks again:)

[Laura_7]

I still feel quite confused myself, i'm scared he is going to change and I will lost the person inside that I fell in love with and that all of a sudden that person will be gone. Does this happen? I have offered to take him to buy other womans clothes later today, to get some more nice pieces:)

Well some people make a comparison with a twin... they will be like their male/female twin, with still the same sense of humour...
some parts might change though, especially when on hormones...
people might get a bit more emotional and talking a bit more... not being so overactive any more... and maybe being a bit more cooperative... trying to be in an agreeable atmosphere...

.. could you tell me, did you go through hormones? and how did it affect you if you did? is it a lifeline pills that need to be taken or a course over time?
Thanks again:)

Well usually people take in the beginning estrogen and an anti androgen.
Many start out with a low dose which is then amped up to full dose after a few weeks or months.
After SRS they should be taken to have an estrogen dominated body.

There are permanent and non permanent changes...
fat redistribution and changes in skin might be non permanent...
growth of boobies is permanent but it takes months...