Where am I on the scale?

[KathyLauren]

It is fairly clear to me that there is a continuum from cis-male to trans-female, with all shades of gray in between.  (No doubt there is a similar scale the other way in the FTM world.)  It is also clear to me that I am not at the far cis-male end of the scale.  It seems likely that I am not at the extreme trans-female end either.

As evidence that I am not at the cis-male extreme, I have always had a desire to be a girl/woman, and a very strong urge to wear women's clothing.  On the other hand, there are plenty of characteristics (often the stuff of sexist jokes) where I come down firmly on the male side: I understand how to work a thermostat, and I don't need to ask directions when I travel, to name a couple of trivial but typical examples.  (If I come out to my wife, she will probably use those male characteristics to deny my female side.)

Of course, there is the nature vs. nurture thing: all my female characteristics are due to nature, since I have had no female upbringing, but my male characteristics are a mix of innate and learned.

All of which leads me to think that I am probably somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.  The question is, what direction to take it from here?

I don't think of myself as androgynous.  I tend to think of myself as alternately masculine or feminine.  I can feel masculine pride in being able to drive a nail straight, and then want to relax in a skirt and frilly clothes when the work is done.

I realize you all can't make my decisions for me, but I am looking for input on this.  Has anyone else felt this way?  Am I just weird or what?  How did/do you resolve the ambiguity?

[Devlyn]

You sound genderfluid to me. Join the club! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[LizK]

Hi Kathy Lauren

Welcome to Susan's. I am not trying to have a go at your or be disrespectful but I am not sure exactly sure what being able no navigate or adjust a thermostat or laugh at sexist jokes has to do with your Gender? If you are questioning then you can probably say you are trans something...but isn't that just putting a label on it? If the real question is how far do I go along the spectrum before I am comfortable in my own skin then that requires a different answer with different considerations.

You can actually wear a frilly skirt while you drive a nail in(not essentially practical) but that says nothing and means nothing. You seem to be comparing your gender with gender stereotypes. They are not related, most of your male stuff is learnt behaviour, just like girls, boys are taught how to be boys. Don't beat yourself up for the needing to fit in and the stuff you learnt as a boy.

If you don't feel one gender or the other that's fine you don't have too have one or the other. Putting a label on something doesn't make it true.

You talk about your desire to be a woman, do you know where this desire comes from? Is it an essential but private part of you? How much time do you really spend thinking about it? Do you have any distress about how you present to the world now and how you would rather present to the world?

I hope some of that helps you get to the answers you are looking for

Sarah T

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that could help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439


Questions to ask could be:
would you like a bit more female body to be a bit more happy?
And you don't have to identify as female all of the time.

How would you like to be perceived ?

You might start with easy reversible steps, like changes to hair and clothing style.
and see how it makes you feel... I'd say go with a feeling of joy....

a good gender therapist could help you along the way...


hugs

[KathyLauren]

You sound genderfluid to me. Join the club! 

Thanks, Devlyn.  It's easier to contemplate, knowing what it's called.

I am not trying to have a go at your or be disrespectful

No worries, Sarah.  I asked for a reality check.

You talk about your desire to be a woman, do you know where this desire comes from?

No.  It's always been there, at least back to age 8 or so.

Is it an essential but private part of you?

It seems to be.

How much time do you really spend thinking about it?

A lot, actually.  More as time goes by.

Do you have any distress about how you present to the world now and how you would rather present to the world?

I feel confined by the male role and the standards of masculine appearance.

would you like a bit more female body to be a bit more happy?

Yes, I would.  Realistically, I might have to settle for cross dressing.

And you don't have to identify as female all of the time.

Thank you for validating that!

How would you like to be perceived ?

Interesting question.  I don't really give it much thought.  I don't want to be perceived as a freak, but other than that, I really don't know.  Or maybe I don't care.  When I think of myself as "one of the guys", I hear this buzzer in my head going "wrong".  When I think of myself as "one of the girls", it's like, "That's more like it."  I think that's as close as I can get to answering that.

Thanks, all, for your help.  It really does help.

[genevie]

Contrast that to my personal feelings of 'screaming inside my head, gut wrenching desperation to be female' then you might see what you aren't. We are all different. I appreciate those that are able to ask the question of what they are. Maybe eight months ago I walked into a therapist's office and said what you said. Now I meet with the same therapist and say my first sentence. Interesting the process and progression. Your journey is part of all of us. Thanks for sharing and please continue as time passes.

Best wishes and hugs.

[Asche]

And then there are people like me, that aren't so much dying to be female as developing a serious revulsion to being male.

(Not to say that becoming female doesn't sound pretty attractive.)

[MsMarlo]

Kathy, I guess the main question is how you feel inside and what drives that feeling.  The desire to wear the frilly stuff has to come from somewhere, and is it something that makes you feel good or does it go deeper than that?

It all depends on where you want to go with it; do you desire to transition completely and if so what drives that desire, or better yet, need to do so?  What is ultimately going to make you happy?

Be safe, hun

Marlo

[Ms Grace]

When you have been raised as and are required to live as a specific gender it can be easy to conflate learned behaviours as being innate. Most behaviours are exhibited by either gender they just tend to be stereotypically applied to one or the other, or are expected in one and/or discouraged in the other. Try looking past that, it's who you are inside and who you want to be that really counts.

[KathyLauren]

I guess my poor choice of examples confused the issue.  I'll have to give some more thought to what innate male characteristics make me think that I'd have trouble being a woman.  Something of that nature crossed my mind not long ago, but I don't remember what.  I'll have to write it down next time I think of something.  Clearly some characteristics are innate or the whole issue of being transgender wouldn't exist.

What is driving the feeling?  Damned if I know!  It's just there.  I have been in denial and lied to myself for so long that I really don't get what this is all about.  Wearing skirts just feels comfortable, not just physically, though that too, but mostly emotionally.  It feels like I'm me.  But why?  I don't know.

Where do I want to go with it?  Part of me wants to do a full transition, but part of me is scared ****less.  I don't know if the rejection that would surely go along with transition will be balanced by the benefits of doing it.

Laura said "Go with a feeling of joy."  That sounds nice, but I really don't know if I'd recognize that feeling.

Reading my own answers to your questions, I see that I can't see the details inside myself because I am too close, like the tip of my own nose.  I need a mirror to see the details.  That's what a therapist is for, isn't it?  (Rhetorical question; I know the answer!)

[LizK]

You got it...that is what a therapist is for. The questions I asked of you, are the kinds of things I thought about along the way, and of course with a heap of other stuff thrown in as well. For me it was like the building block game where you try and remove the blocks one at a time till the tower you have built falls. My own false beliefs held up my tower and as far as I was concerned it was rock solid but once a few of the basic misconceptions and myths had been removed the whole tower came down easily and I was left with the raw naked truth...I am a woman.

From that point I began to move forward. Keep asking those questions of yourself, think about your future...one as woman and one not. How does that sit with you...forget possible gain v possible loss and think about it with your heart and not your head.

Sarah T