I've noticed lately that I'm not really present in the real world very much. I manage to get to work, to pay bills, to feed my kids, and sometimes grocery shop, but it's like my mind is off somewhere else most of the time and resents having to come back into this world and do what I have to. Only it's not my conscious mind; my conscious mind has to get along without focus or brainpower when my mind is off there. So I don't actually know what it's doing off there. I'm guessing, based on the litter I find on the floor on my mind when it grudgingly comes back, that it has something to do with being trans and a few of my other long-standing issues.
It makes me nervous. I have the feeling I'm losing my mind. I forget things, I make blunders, I have a hard time caring about stuff I should care about, because my attention just doesn't want to be here. What happens if my mind goes off and doesn't come back? Will I ever have all of myself again?
On another note: I sing, once a week in a chorus, once a week at choir practice. I sing tenor, and I've started to feel uncomfortable when I sing in my bass range (2nd G below middle C up to around middle C), like I'm pretending to be too masculine. When we sing hymns, I've started singing them in the octave they're written in, rather than an octave down, even though I can barely hit some of the high notes. I think hearing myself sing in a male register is triggering my revulsion at being male.
