Another 18 yo transgender panicing here...please...

[zoecrowley]

Hi guys, so another whiny pathetic long confession, but i really dont know what to do now so please give me some suggestions thanks in advanced....
So Im a 18 yo male who wants to be a girl. and just to say this first, i actually have a pretty bad OCD, not THAT bad but bad enought to make me suffer...a lot sometimes...i never like to exaggerate or brag about my feelings and problems like some people would to get attention or comfort from other people. and then it develops to a point where i deny everything good about myself, because i dont like to brag, or trying to find some excuse for my problems and dont try to fix it. thats one of the things that is still making me wonder if im a trans or not, because i would think maybe im just trying to find a easy answer to this <Not Allowed> up feeling i have, because if im not a trans, if im just a teenager fantasizing about being a girl, then it means i have suffered all this time for nothing because its something that "will pass after a while." and im sorry if this is confusing its pretty hard to explain and english is not my first language, but just know i have this kind of problem 
So i remember the first significant memory that i have of this trans feeling was when i was 9 or 10. during that time my family went to a temple with a wishing well very often. I remember i would throw a coin down there and wish that i could have a dream of being a girl tonight, and i remember clearly i didnt wish for being a girl in real life was because i knew that was just too unrealistic and that would never happen, not because i just want to know what it feels like to be a girl, i really wanted to BE a girl.  If some magic happens or whatever and i actually become a girl when i wake up, i would be soooooo happy. At that time i didnt know anything about sex, and just starting to form this gender identity and knowledge in my mind i guess. i didnt really know why i wanted to be a girl, i just wanted to be treated like a girl, wear girls clothes. although it never bothered me too much, the feeling and the wish WERE there. then i grew up, i got into music, literature, arty stuff. although im into video games, i never liked those violent stuff, just the ones with great stories, i like to enjoy the story a lot more than the game playing and shooting...im never into sports, cars, guns, and i HATE it when people are trying to force me to behave, act or "BE A MAN". i mean i dont act girly, my behaviours are actually very manly, because i think i have a male body, so it would be weird to act like girls, but i would start doing that after i start HRT, if i ever get to. i need to be strong, i cant cry, i cant be emotional, i have to be the leader, whatever, male stereotypes or social expectations, i just dont like them on me at all. i never actually see myself as a girl or say that i have a girl's mind for some reason, i guess its because my body is just a male body and the way ive been raised up....but i not only want to be a girl, be treated as a girl, girls clothes (so much better than mans clothes, they are so boring, not as stylish and feel terrible), a girl's body, i also hate hate hate hate my own body, i hate everything about myself. this started when i was around 12 or 13, (im not really skinny i was fat for a while, and now im kinda medium body type but more to the fat side ,hope this makes sense), its just like other trans girls describe, i hate what i see everytime i look into a mirror or taking a shower. i HATE it. along with A LOT other health problems, and the fact that i never really made any good friends, made me soooooo depressed and hate myself in every single way....the urge of wanting to be a girl just makes it a lot worse. it bothers me i often cant fall asleep at night. i never imagine myself being the male role when i watch porn or mas********.just the thought of that disgusts me. and here comes a very confusing thing, when i achieve ******, my trans feeling will suddenly disappear, sometimes for 5 minutes sometimes for a day or two, but always come back, and this confuses the hell out of me...(sorry if its a bit graphic or stuff here, but i feel that i need to point this out)i hate being dominant, i hate making the first move. whenever i see a pretty girl on street, i never imagine having sex with them, i would imagine being them, i would also imagine dating them but only a little bit, mostly being them, in their bodies. i envy everything about girls, sooo much.

And another thing that confused me is the fact that i like girls. i know now that gender identity and sexual orientation are different things, but i wonder, is it because i like girls too much, and i want to have their bodies and clothes? but if you think about other things like if you like a burger you would want to eat it, not be it, if you like a girl, you would want to possess her and "make her mine", not actually become her, so i guess this "logic" doesnt work? and because i like girls and want a girlfriend so bad, i am worried that i would be forever alone if i start transitioning....and of course theres the fear of not being able to pass, im asian, fat lips, broad shoulders, slightly chubby, 172 cm 76 kg.  im trying to lose weight... but of course its hard.  even if i succeed i dont think my other features will allow me to pass...

i do feel like a trans, but with all that thoughts and fear, overthinking and my OCD, i doubt myself as well, feel like im stuck in the middle, WTF am i???

the only good thing about all this is that my mom is actually pretty supportive when i told her this.(i havent told anyone else.) and she said i should wait a couple of years, because my body is already a mess, all sorts of health problems im tired every second of the day im frustrated , everyday i wake up i see a day full of pain ahead of me....so i agree with her that i should sort out those problems first, because hormones are gonna wear out your body at first right? or in some ways, because its a really big change to your body....

so that was my complaining and whinning that you guys might have read a million times before, but i have a few questions that i want to ask and see what do you suggest me to do now...
im studying aboard, in a middle sized city, with no gender therapists around. the only one i can find is 3 hours from here, and thats in another city, and because of some stupid international student rules, im not allowed to travel to other cities by myself or without approval from my teacher. so it means i have to tell my teacher about this problem, which i dont think i will...ever....
so i dont know what to do now. i cant talk to a gender therapist, so that probably means i cant start HRT yet, and id like to have some professional opinions on this before i start as well, its a really huge decision. but theres also no other way to make me feel better. my main interest now is music, it used to be a fun thing to do, but now because of my <Not Allowed> up personality, i start to feel so pressured by it. i dont think im a good enough musician, i think i suck, but theres a lot of evidence(my music exams results and performance and writing competitons results) that suggest of course im not the best but i dont suck either. but i just simple deny all that and think im worthless. i guess thats some kind of depression and anxiety which i dont want to get into here because this is not a place for that....

SO MY QUESTION IS: I cant talk to a gender therapist, and theres nothing i can do to make me feel better, then what the hell should i do now? everyday that goes by i feel like im wasting my time....im scared that if i start transition when im 23 or something i wont be able to pass as well as if i start now at 18. people say its not about passing, but i think if after transition i look into the mirror and see "a guy dress up as a girl", i would be even more depressed...or maybe hormones will change my thoughts, but right now thats how i feel...and im still kinda hesitant about transitioning, not because part of me still like being a male (i dont, not at all), but because its a really difficult road, i might be alone forever, i might look like "a guy dress up as a girl", i might get shot, whatever. i know it all comes down to which way do i want to go, take a risk and see if it works out or play it safe and stay miserable. but still....it's so hard!!!

thank you so much for reading all this...i posted something like this in other forums before but no one replied me, i hope there will be some this time i know its a long thing to read so its ok if there not....and if theres anything rude or any offensive part in this, im sorry i didnt mean it, i hope theres no misunderstanding im just looking for some answers and discussion. thank you so much




*No Profanity Please*

[stephaniec]

I think it would help not to worry too much. I stated HRT when I was 62, I wish it would of been a lot sooner , but I'm doing alright.

[V M]

Hi Zoe 

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[Sophieraven]

First of all,"don't Panic". Secondly, Most musicians think they suck at some point. And third, come here, have a look round and realise you are not alone in any of this, we are all here to help each other. Most people on here have been through very difficult times and know exactly how you feel.
Anyway welcome to the site.
Sophie

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. It isn't the end of the world needing to transition at an older age but it is more difficult. I was about 26 when I started hormones and many people start much latter than I did.

Now to try and find a way to get you at least some of what you need. You need to deal with your fear of others knowing about you because before this is over you will need to appear in public and all of us are read at some point. It's not the end of the world when somebody know you are TG. The important thing is that your mother knows and supports you so there us no longer a reason to keep this a secret. You don't want to tell everybody but a few more people knowing won't cause any damage.

You might be able to tell your teacher there is a specialist you need to see and you mother agrees. This would tell your teacher the important information without telling the details.

You may be able to arrange appointments over Skype. There are therapist who work this way and as long as you are in the same country, you may be able to get the letter you need for the Endo and because it's in the same country, it should be accepted.

To accomplish your primary goal, you don't need HRT. You only need access to the blocker part of the package as that will stop the effect that T has on your body putting sexual development on hold. When you return home and are able to proceed with the rest of the transition and start the full HRT package. If you are only attempting to get the blockers it's possible a local Endo and local therapist could be used because you aren't making any irreversible changes to your body. If you stop the blockers, normal development would resume making this the best of both worlds option.

Young children who ID as TG are given blockers until they are old enough to make the decision on HRT and surgery. If blockers are safe for children under medical supervision, they should be a very good option for you.

[Obfuskatie]

I'd advise you to talk to a counselor at the school and have them reach out to the therapist 3 hours away. Worse come to worse, you can usually have a video chat with them to do a consultation, if not the actual therapy. Don't let being trans and transition plans distract you too much from your career goals either. And don't be surprised if you have a new way of looking at sex and different attractions once you are comfortable in your own skin.
I never even considered how attracted I was to guys, because I was sooooooo focused on trying to have friends that were girls and possibly a girlfriend to make me feel normal. Now that I can be friends or friendly with women and not have them assume I am hitting on them I'm not misinterpreted or misconstrued nearly as much. Having a boyfriend has also been scary at times, because of all my insecurities, but straight guys are pretty used to dating people insecure about something so I'm a lot more normal than I originally obsessed about.

     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

Oh Zoe, we do hear stories like this a lot hun lol   But you know what?  Far from being sick of it, many / most / perhaps even all of us actually find comfort in it   Every time we read that another person has had the same thoughts, feelings and experiences as us, it's one more story that helps us feel not quite so alone.  Have a read around these forums at other's stories, and you'll quickly see what I mean <3

I can relate to many things you said, but this bit in particular really struck a cord:

...i remember clearly i didnt wish for being a girl in real life was because i knew that was just too unrealistic and that would never happen, not because i just want to know what it feels like to be a girl, i really wanted to BE a girl.  If some magic happens or whatever and i actually become a girl when i wake up, i would be soooooo happy...

I know *EXACTLY* what you mean hun!  You fantasise about pushing a magic button, or waving a magic wand or whatever, and waking up the next day as a female.  You fantasise about starting a whole new life, where no one knows who - or what - you once were.  No judgement, just people accepting you as you are, not to be nice or polite or to be politically correct, but because they don't even know there's a question there to be asked.

You play through scenarios in your head, fantasising about the kind of person you could be.  "Maybe I'd be a stage actress, appearing in films and television shows..." you think to yourself, "or maybe I'd be the female lead vocals in a band that rockets to success and plays sellout rock concerts the world over!"  "Maybe I'll be the woman who becomes famous for curing cancer, or inventing the device that fixes the world's energy crisis...".  The possibilities are endless, and whatever you imagine - no matter how fanciful or unlikely - it always comes down to being female in those wild scenarios, and that feels so peaceful and just simply *right*, doesn't it?

Then something happens - maybe someone calls out your male name, or maybe you have to say something to your friend / housemate / family member / stranger at the checkout and you hear your male voice echoing around inside your head.  Maybe you find yourself unzipping your trousers at the men's urinal at work / school / the supermarket, and you look up to the man standing in the urinal next to you who looks up, smiles and says to you in his deep masculine voice "you all right Dave?" (no, that's not my birth name ).

Whatever it is, it's always something small and inconsequential to anyone else, but to you, it's as jarring as being hurled out of the front window of a sports car that's just hit a brick wall at 200 odd miles per hour.  Somehow, you find a way to conceal the fact that your very soul feels like it's just be smashed in the face by a sledge hammer, and you answer "yeh I'm all right, you?".

You go away from it feeling guilt and shame, like you've just committed an act of murder.  You think these thoughts are crazy, that no one else in the world will ever understand.  You resolve to take these thoughts, these feelings and these fantasies with you to the grave, because if anyone ever found out, *surely* they'd lock you up and throw away the key!

Any of this sounding at all familiar hun?  If so, then let me tell you - You are *NOT* alone!

[zoecrowley]

Hey thank you all!
I feel like that i dont really care if other people know im trans IF i really am. the reason im kind of afraid now is that im not 100% sure, like dont know if im "trans enough" as many people would say. and also theres that OCD thing, like a double personality, part of me is telling me that i really dont feel good in this body and the way people treat me ever since i was little so i am trans, but the other part just thinks maybe this is just a phase, im just saying that im trans so theres a solution or a way to make me feel better because right now the world i see is so depressing and hopeless(like many trans people do), maybe it will pass maybe its just a phase. this is really scary because not only im not sure whats going on, i also need to wait...
and another reason im still hesitant is my career and dating.
im a singer and guitarist, after transition, i would either need to stop singing with a guys voice or start singing with a girl's voice. i dont know if its possible to do that...and the only thing i kinda think is ok about myself is my voice's tone when im singing, but yeah i know it's not an easy road theres a lot of things i will need to sacrafice.
i always think that males are disgusting....maybe it's because i hate myself too much, i just cant imagine dating any of them, but maybe my thoughts would change after hormones? but there are stories of TG still dont like guys after they transition....but again we cant always get what we want....

and about the school counselor......i have been talking to him about all sorts of problems, but i havent told him this one. i have kinda hinted on this before, i said i hate being a guy with all the stereotypes and i would be so much happier and accepted if i were a girl. but he said when i go to college i would meet other "feminime guys" like me and i would feel better. and thats about it. but i feel like i want more, i want every aspect of me to become female, im so tired of my old self...

and i will look into skype appointments, but man those appointments cost so much.
in most of the countries you only need to talk to a therapist for around 3 months before you are allowed to get hormones right? because i often see that you need 2 years to do SRS but not many have mentioned about HRT...
i cant really find too much about this in my own country, theres NO gender therapist here only psychiatrists that im not sure if they know anything about it...
and the blockers, will they kinda damage my body? like i wont be getting the hormones my body needs normally so will that bring any harm? sorry if i sound like a coward but im already a mess...

thank you for bothering typing that much for me....thank you so much





and Sarah! yeah i feel related sooo much....when i fantasize about being successful and tour the world, i actually fantasize my male self because i feel like thats who i am right now. but when i replace it with my female self, if i were a girl to accomplish all this, if i were a girl to stand on the stage and rock out, that feels a million times better!!!
and yeah haha everytime i go the male's bathroom.....im jealous that other people are comfortable with their gender role...i feel weird, awkward and sad everytime i go to toilet to be honest hahaha....and everytime i put on a shirt and shorts, everytime i see my square shaped and a little bit chubby body, everytime people ask me if im all right, the first thing that pops up in my head is this, and then i would say im all right and feel like ive been "smashed in the face by a sledge hammer", haha thats exactly the feeling...
i know there are so many people before me and so many people struggling with this now, and thats what keeps me going. Seeing almost all of them saying they feel so much better after HRT....it gives me the strength...really hope it will work out all right...

[Dena]

Around here we don't talk about trans enough. Everybody is welcome here and there is no such thing as a little bit. The feeling isn't always consistent. You can for short periods of time be distracted from your feeling and in the initial stages they are not as strong as they will be latter. Don't be fooled because you don't feel that way now because the feelings will come back. I lived with the feeling for over 15 years and many lived with even longer. If you don't face it now, you will face it latter.

Voice. Some people have enough flexibility to produce a fully feminine voice through therapy. In my case, my voice was so low that I had to use surgery to push my trained voice high enough to sound feminine. Don't expect hormones to rase your voice because any change will be slight. My voice has the range to sing in and beyond the feminine range (low end) but I stopped singing when I hit puberty (I sounded like a bull frog) so I am not sure if I have the talent to sing. Several people on the site have posted their new voice singing in the feminine range so it can be done.

Sexual attraction will not change with hormones. It is possible if you are bi, you could discover men but if your not, your sexual attraction will remain the same. In most countries, your sexual preference isn't considered in treatment. Your gender identity is the only thing that should be considered in treatment.

Time before getting HRT varies greatly. Sometimes its only a few therapy sessions and other times it can be years. In the United States most of the time you can get started pretty quickly. The primary consideration for surgery is RLE and the rules are 1 year minimum. I would suggest if you aren't comfortable at the end of the first year, you extend that time. Total I was close to 2.5 years because I lacked the money for surgery and the additional time eliminated post surgical adjustment issues.

Blockers are pretty safe as they give them to young children first entering puberty. Current HRT also uses  them to block the birth hormone giving a more lifelike feeling of what a post surgical chemical mix is like. Blockers weren't available when I transitioned so my T levels were always way above feminine level. Thus, I didn't know what running on E was like until I was post surgical.

[Morgan-Kate]

Zoe, I'm afraid to say that I have no answers (I probably have just as many questions).  I'm mainly replying because your story seems similar to my own.  Though I always had girly likes, I just brushed them off as quirks.  I mean, sure I had a purse when I was four and liked running around in women's clothes, but that was just dress-up.  I grew up in a house of four women and one man.  It wasn't until I was 11 that I started cross-dressing, first in private then with a close friend.  We both fantasized we were girls, who were so mysterious to us at the time.  It wasn't until we both shared some odd feeling of... being right?  Essentially, we were both scared, like we'd messed up ourselves somehow and quickly stopped our secret meetings.  As I learned a few years back, the thoughts of being female, they only go away for as long as you can deny them.  And I've come to think that the "fantasies" we have are an idea of what we're supposed to be, as opposed to what we were born as.
That same friend of mine came out as transgender in February the year after she graduated high school.  At the time, I was caught up in my own business (dealing with my confusing bisexuality as well as my gender issues coming back).  I never heard about it until the following fall, after I'd dropped out of college because of a depression I've now realized was caused both by Gender Dysphoria and the stress of school.  I really wish I'd known because I could really use her advice about now; she dropped all the people she'd known and loved when she changed her name and gender legally.
When I finally considered myself trans (about a week, now, but it feels like forever), I was kind of panicked and had a full blown mental breakdown about an hour afterwards.  I've been told by a few that it sometimes comes with the first part of the territory.  If you're at the same point I am, then it's could happen a lot.  Just think of it as your male self trying to regain control.  I've counted two breakdowns so far myself and the second one was pretty rough and borderline Schizophrenic.  They're usually brought on by my own self doubt and over-thinking on subjects I really have no idea about, such as what my future holds and if this is worth it.  Now I just practice meditative breathing.
I myself am curious about therapies and the likes and am currently trying to get set up with a counselor.  Problem is, my mom (she kind of forced me to come out but was mostly supportive, if not "guilty for making me this way") has me doing it through an EAP to save money and they haven't gotten back to me with a list of people.  The one I'd asked for doesn't do EAP and isn't network, despite having been highly recommended for people suffering from issues stemming from both gender and sexuality.  I'm still wondering if I'm ready for HRT, but my Mom, a nurse, has informed me that the state I'm in requires weekly gender counseling (singular or group) for X-amount of months before HRT can even be considered.
But I do have a suggestion: You're a college student studying abroad, right?  You may not be the first student to go to your teacher about gender identity issues.  If you feel you need professional help or guidance, then just try a gamble.  Worst case scenario is that the teacher learns something about you they didn't quite want to, but cannot legally do anything about it.  Discrimination of any nature towards a student is banned on the majority of college campuses and, by extension, staff members.  It's kind of a general rule nowadays, especially when involving LGBT members.
I know it was long winded, but I felt I had to write it.  Your story was just so familiar. I'm not very far in this myself, but I hope this helps some.  I've certainly found that peace of mind is rare.

[zoecrowley]

Thank you Dena
yeah i have read a lot of stories where people focus on their career for a few years and try to ignore it, but when it comes back it brings them down even more than before...and thats so scary and i dont want to wait until then...so im trying to do something about this but just dont know what to do.
ill just try to reach the therapists then...ill be going to uni in one year and then i will be able to find a gender therapist i guess because the uni will be in a big city....and its so hard to find information about this in my home country, and the TG people here dont have good care and priviliges....kinda feel stuck, because im moving from places to places....
thank you

[zoecrowley]

Morgan!
Thank you for you suggestion! im actually still a high school student but already 18, and ill be going to uni in 2017. so i dont know if i should start now, or wait for another year, and then i will be in a big city for uni and there will be some gender therapists there...
and i hope everything turns out fine for you! you probably feel the same as i do, when i look back on my childhood, its so dark and scary.....
but at least you are doing something about it, dont give up! and luckily both of our moms are supportive and didnt kick us out....
all these headaches, pain, breakdown and discrimination....man everything would be sooo much easier if we were born girls thats just so sad haha.....

[cheryl reeves]

Being transgender is a rough road too walk, but there are many ways to deal with it. I came too a crossroad when I was13,I knew I was a female , but was expected too be male,I learned too have fun being both,I faced disphoria head on, but it took 22 yrs and a wonderful wife who burnt down the closet I kept Cheryl hidden in for me too be open to who I am,and who I am is human. My wife has also been my therapist in a way,she helped me be girly when I want too,she got me out of the house dressed,found a tg support group. If you feel like a female try dressing and see how that feels,being in a uni you shouldn't have any problems with trying too see if this is the path you want. You could like I did find a middle ground with yourself and find a compromise where you can be both male and female and have fun instead of being depressed. I know depression and it's not fun,so instead of being depressed I went and had fun with life.