Wondering Something

[Morgan-Kate]

I'm currently trying to get in with a counselor. There are actually far more around me than I'd realized.  It's a bit surprising, living in such a gung-ho conservative, firing off rifle shots at 4AM area (I hate November because of it).  But as I'm waiting for a call that I'm wondering will ever come, I'm looking at and reading as much as I can.  I've already tried to do away with certain male habits I've never liked.  Oddly enough, standing to pee was something I never liked and now I don't really feel awkward about sitting.  But I digress.
I know that a gender counselor will have me gradually change my habits and work on my mannerisms.  I'm okay with that.  But are we allowed to set limits?  This may seem a little strange, or even like an oxymoron: I'm a tomboy.  There are things I don't want to drop.  I mean, I know things will have to change.  I just don't want to change so much that I don't recognize myself.  Maybe I'm just being too clingy to this stupid idea, but my greatest fear in life is losing myself and disappearing.  Now that I know who my true self is, I feel like it's in overdrive.  I feel like, if I go all the way (I know it's a long ways away, but I can't stop thinking about it!) I'll look in the mirror one morning and not see myself or Tim or anyone like me!
Is this just an irrational fear? Maybe. For all I know, it's just my doubt trying to tell me that this is all a mistake.  But I know it's not.  This mix of emotions I feel is scary but it lets me know this is right. 

[Cindy]

Hon,

There is a profound difference between an experienced counsellor and an inexperienced one.

A good counsellor never tells you what to do, they create a place that encourages you to explore yourself. Their role is to do just that. That do not have an opinion, unless you are suffering a disorder (PTSD etc) which they should identify and help you overcome.

The role of a psychiatrist etc in gender dysphoria is to allow you to accept yourself, and then put in place means for you to explore that and become the person you are.

My original psych said a few things. I can't tell whether you are transgender or not, but you came to see me so you must be. What help can I give you to be the woman you are?

What do you carry to prevent you being a happy woman?

I can help you with that.

Because I want you to live a happy life, and that as a medical professional is my role in you living as you.

So we dealt with; my rapes, my bullying, my isolation, my fear(s); my family(fears!)

My baggage.

To be honest the only times we spoke of TG issues was when I needed letters to change documents; driving licences etc. It was then just a release of a letter as I asked for them.

I think, in retrospect that was important.

I asked.

It was my self acceptance being displayed. I was stronger with every step I was (not) forced to take.

But my journey is not yours - I hope it is!!

It was very smooth.

[Ms Grace]

Their job should be to help you become the woman you want to be (that you are) not force certain social gender ideals or stereotypes on you. I will say though that before I went down this path I thought I was a bit of a tomboy too, turns out I was more girly than I realised but I'm also really comfortable with it. I think the reason for that shift is because when you are trans you grow up constantly limited and self policing by what's expected of your assigned gender, even though you identify with the opposite gender there certain looks and/or mannerisms of that group where you think "I'd never do that". Once you're in the life and body you want to be in though that can shift in natural but profound ways.

[sam1234]

There is nothing wrong with going at your own pace. Transitioning is very personal and not everyone feels the need to have everything possible done. Cindy has a good point about the difference between a good counselor and one that is inexperienced. Mine was inexperienced. I was his first transgender patient. I would never and have never regretted transitioning, but I wish I had gone slower in some social areas and stayed in therapy. Instead, I dropped therapy as soon as I got the ok for hormone replacement therapy. I was tunnel visioned at being a "normal" male. Had I stayed in therapy with an experienced counselor, I probably would have saved myself the hell of an emotionally abusive marriage.

If you have doubts or questions, a good therapist will help you work those out rather than tell you what to do and when to do it. Do what you can handle as you go forward. At least you have let yourself realize that your body and brain just aren't in sinc.

sam1234

[Morgan-Kate]

I'm glad to hear that I'm gonna be mostly in control on this.  I've seen therapists before for my previous depressions and other quirks (thinking out loud, anger outbursts, etc.) that they could never put a label on, probably because I convinced myself that there were things I didn't have to tell them.  They've never prescribed medication, but they're kind of the reason I'm a "socially acceptable" man, if not an awkward and confused person on a regular basis.  They would put me on a treatment path that helped me suppress my problems at the cost of myself.
I'm sorry to get off topic, but when I had paused typing this out, my mom came to talk to me.  Though she is willing to show support, she's now heavily doubting that I'm transgender.  This may be because my grandmother was visiting the last couple of days and I was hiding myself from her, being "Tim".  She's also saying that I've never shown signs, which may be true from her perspective.  I've found that I did many things in private and hid many feelings for a long time, mainly out of fear of possible reactions (after all, it was her own clothes I first truly cross-dressed in...).  Though I'm certain that the stress of certain situations brought my true identity to light, I don't believe what she's saying about this being fake.  Is she trying to push back?  I only just came out to her the other day when she guilt-tripped me on keeping secrets from her.  I have an appointment with a therapist in a few days, and I'm beginning to feel scared.  The last thing I need right now is to be told I'm having multiple identity crises.  Is that even possible?  All I can think of right now is that the calm I felt after she said she'd "support me so long as I was happy" has gone away and the anxiety is back.  I know who I am but I feel that she won't really accept that...

[Ms Grace]

It's hard for other people to see, let alone accept, that we are trans. They've only ever dealt with us presenting as the gender we were assigned as at birth and dressing and following the very firmly policed gender rules that are generally expected of us. It's a tough sell especially when some part of most people really wants to believe that we're wrong about our own feelings and fear what our transition might potentially mean for them and the general familial/social status quo.

[Cindy]

If I had a dollar for overtime I hear someone being told by a parent or partner that they can't be transgender as they have never shown any signs before, I could fund this site, buy a home for transkids to live freely and fund my bright pink Ferrari 

We are experts in hiding.

I have a client who was an SAS soldier, one of the toughest, aggressive and masculine forces in the world. She hid her identity even from them, their psychologists and trainers and comrades.  After two tours of Afghanistan she transitioned. She was always a woman, she went into the SAS so she could die. She didn't.

An unbelievably brave and reckless woman who received high Honours for protecting her comrades under fire. I asked her; Why? 'Because I didn't want anyone to know I was transgender and I didn't care if I lived or not.'

We can hide ourselves so well that people don't believe us.

Ask your therapist if they are experienced in gender issues, whether they follow the WPATH guidelines (available from www.path.org SOC7) Print them out, read them, ask the therapist if they have read them and if they follow them.

Your therapist is there for you, not to line their pocket. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold. A bad therapist is useless.

Yes a therapist needs to find out if you have DID (rare), bipolar (not uncommon) and no problem just needs treating, autistic (not uncommon) just needs treating, psychotic, PTSD (common).

None of these except DID prevent transitioning, they just need a proper management plan. The purpose of the management plan is to help you be you and a happy you.

[Morgan-Kate]

Thank you for the votes of confidence.  I just felt very betrayed when she told me that she didn't think I could be transgender.  Right before I came out to her, I said I needed more time to think about it, but she kept pushing.  I was so relieved when she took the highroad and said that she'd help however she could, so long as I was happy.  She even helped me find the therapist I'm about to start with.  She had to have seen my minor slip-ups around my grandma.  As I stated in my initial post, I've been trying to get a head start and change some habits. I had a full conversation with my grandmother while not noticing that my legs were crossed, and there is no way that anyone could have missed that (except for grandma, who's a little oblivious at times).
Part of me thinks she's just trying to protect me from making a mistake.  I have heard of post-op transwomen who regret having their SRS.  Funny thing is, she said herself that was a long ways away.  I may not even opt for that!
And by the way, Cindy.  Thank you for the WPATH guidelines.  I've never thought to look into that before, though I kind of guessed they had to exist.  Never considered professionals wouldn't be learned on the subject, but then again I can be naive at times. Okay most times, but I'm still young!

[Ms Grace]

It seems your mother is generally supportive which is great, but like any good parent she will be constantly reevaluating the situation and only wanting the best for you. Doesn't mean she will draw the right conclusion though. When I came out to my mother in the early 1990s she said I couldn't be trans because I'd "never been like that"... whatever "that" was. But of course I "wasn't" because I'd learned from an early age I wasn't allowed to wear "girls clothes" and "act like a girl", etc. Cis gender people don't understand how we're forced or are resigned to playing along with their gender norms. Then when we come out as trans they call us out on our previous behaviour which was a product of socialisation and self preservation. They generally see only what they want to. Give her time, she'll discover the real you who was been hidden away soon enough.

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

...Part of me thinks she's just trying to protect me from making a mistake.  I have heard of post-op transwomen who regret having their SRS...

That's fair enough hun - I can understand parents wanting to protect their child from making a mistake, as long as it remains a "be careful / make sure you know what you're doing" level, and doesn't cross the line into "I forbid you to do this!"

If this is what's prompted the apparent shift in your mum, you may want to point her towards articles such as this one:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brynn-tannehill/myths-about-transition-regrets_b_6160626.html

There's a lot of good info in there, particularly the fact that post-op regret is very uncommon - most studies put it at around 1-2%, which when compared to a rate of 65% of cis-gendered people who regret having regular plastic surgery, is pretty good!  It's been noted that there's a correlation between regret rates and changing social attitudes (regret rates have fallen as attitudes have improved), suggesting that at least some of the regret comes from the way trans folk are treated by society, rather than regretting the decision itself.  The other possibility (not mutually exclusive, of course) is that these changing attitudes has led to better education, and gender therapists / psychologists etc are better able to recognise when someone is trying to transition for the wrong reasons (for example, simply liking female clothing is not a good reason by itself to transition - gender is not a fashion!  It can of course be symptomatic of ->-bleeped-<- if there's other evidence, but by itself it means nothing).  Of course, if a cis-gendered person transitions, obviously they're going to run smack into gender dysphoria, so as frustrating as it can feel sometimes going through the process, it's necessary to make sure you've really thought about it and your reasons for doing it.

If you can make your mum understand that the process doesn't just go handing hormones and surgeries out willy-nilly, and that the regret rates are very low as a result, it might help put her mind at ease x