First off, I'm new here and I've never made a post before, so hopefully this is in the right section. Okay, moving on.
I'm 13, turning 14 in a couple of months (April) and I first began questioning my gender in just about March of 2014- so soon to be two years ago, give or take. I'm DFAB, I never questioned my gender growing up (I did like my hair short starting from when I was about 10 and peeing standing up, though, and I remember when I was in 2nd grade I liked going out dressed as a boy).
Anyways, back to when I first began questioning my gender.
It wasn't anything major, I was just like "I really hate being a girl, I wish I was a boy" and stuff like that. I was still really feminine in real life. I had my hair long and I liked pink and skirts and I was just a really typical 12 year old girl. I crushed on boys (okay, it was one boy) and bought makeup and, like I said like a sentence ago: just a normal, stereotypical preteen girl.
October or November of that year, I really started questioning my identity. I started going by male pronouns (online only, places that no real life people knew me: people in real life had no idea what was going on) but generally put gender-neutral pronouns before that (they/them). I gave myself a new, more masculine name (again, online only) and cut my hair short and began telling my close friends about how I was trans. I was 100% sure I was, I even told my mom (but she said she really didn't think I was- it's not that she's unsupportive, I know she'd love and support me no matter what and I'll get more into that later). I bought a lot of boy clothes and although real life people still knew me as a girl and nothing but, I relished pretending I was anything but. When strangers would mistake me for a boy, I would purposely not correct them. When my brother joked around saying he was gonna tell people I was a boy, I told him "no, don't" but really wished he would.
I don't remember what clearly happened, but I eventually went back to completely gender-neutral pronouns (still online only, I'll specify if anything wasn't online). I sorta grew my hair out a little (still really short though, it isn't even a bob). I changed my gender from "male" to "other". I still wore male or gender-neutral clothes, but I didn't really pass as well... puberty, you know. It gives you boobs.
Now here I am, December again. I just don't know how to feel. I hate everything about my appearance. I was blessed (although sometimes I feel cursed by it) with a face that's more handsome than pretty but I still don't like it- that doesn't really have to do with questioning my gender though, so I'll move on. My hair's still that really short style that just looks like a guy needs a haircut. I (cringe alert) started my period for the first time sometime this year and it didn't feel right because it's typically such a feminine thing and I felt it didn't fit me. My hips and breasts grew (not tremendously, I mean I'm still a kid... I'm probably an A-cup, I don't even wear a proper bra). I hate them. They feel disgusting to me- more the breasts than the hips, because the hips aren't really all that noticeable. I wish I didn't have them. I hate puberty. I tried telling my mom this, sorta trying to hint to her, but she just said I'll get used to them.
Okay, so the point of this thing is, do you think I'm trans? Like, I know it's the whole "only you can answer that question" sort of thing, but from your personal point of view, what do you think? Should I tell my therapist about this- and how? I don't want to just flat out say it, I want to try to subtly hint it to her (I've only been going to her a few weeks, she's my first therapist). And besides that, do you think I should buy a binder? My boobs are small but still definitely noticeable, they make me incredibly insecure, I hate the feminine figure. And if you think I should, from what brand? Do they offer discreet packaging? I don't plan on "coming out" or whatever anytime soon, but I do think a binder would help me.
I know this is all over the place and ridiculously long too, but I'd really appreciate it if you read it and offer your advice/opinion in a reply to this... and maybe how you discovered you were trans? I really need help right now.
