Wow, strange reaction -

[kaitylynn]

I live aboard a yacht which is a micro world.  Everyone on the dock where it is tied knows who I am and they all accept me for me.  They know they can rely on me and that I am true to our group.  I really am used to living in an environment where being me is just fine, regardless of how I present.

This past few weeks I have had a friend (my bestie!) stay with me aboard for the weekends.  Living aboard is a VERY intimate environment (not eros, just close) and you really cannot hide anything.  She is well aware of who I am and has never expressed anything but support for any of the directions I have gone or are going.

Last night we were laying on the bed amidships watching movies and she looks to me with a tear in her eye.  I was wearing what I usually wear below decks, a bikini bottom and bra.  I asked what was up and she says she feels sorry for me...I am like why?  Her response caught me, she says she had never really seen "what your body and insides are going through with all this"...I was really sort of stunned with it.  I started this second HRT go around with "natural" means before shifting to pharma and they worked for me.  From a technical standpoint, HRT has been progressing for me since the beginning of summer this year and the changes have been manifesting heavy since then.

In that time, I really had not thought about how much is really going on with the physical stuff...I have lost 70 pounds in 5 months, am getting my shape back (to where I want it to be), have constant breast pain (for a few months now).  My "function" below has altered to a degree that it can be considered OOS.  My emotions have come to the front and I have taken on an air of "blonde" that is truly not funny (sometimes I am paddling like hell to keep afloat).  I have not put too much time in to paying attention to all this as I have been at peace in my heart for the first time in decades, but last night...the external view came in to focus of what is happening.

This is truly a big deal, no matter how much at ease I am about the changes that are taking place.  "Rolling with it" has been my way for my life and I entered in to my transition in that spirit.  I am now starting to realize how much these changes are effecting others...how quickly they are seeing the evolution take place...and for the first time I have seen that there is some negative that others are feeling, even if they are supportive and accepting.

I know that we are way better being who we are supposed to be, but how does one deal with those that truly love us?  She understands the "why" of transition, but to see the reality of the changes...I never understood what that might invoke. It pained her and I could not stop that for her.  The pain she showed hit me really hard is all and now I am starting to realize that she is not the only one feeling it, a loss.

Anyway, now working through realizing that what I am doing is really effecting people who love me in ways I never anticipated.

[archlord]

I can totally relate to what you said . For me transition is normal , it is the right thing to do and I know exactly where I am going . For others .. Even if I am changing for the best and look great allready , it is like if they were burying me . I see the pain my parents are going through and honestly I find myself rude when I get upset because I feel they want to
Slow down my transition . I feel bad afterward but this is who I am .. I wasted 23 years of my Life pretending I just cant do it anymore.

[rikki88]

This is what I fear with my fiancé. She is ok with the hrt (although went I received my prescriptions she started crying) she is telling me go through with everything because she wants me to be happy. But she's worried about the results. She has made it clear that she is not attracted to breasts but has made it very clear that she's not going to leave me. I am scared she will leave me but she keeps reassuring me that it's not going to happen. I'm just worried one day she might say enough I'm done can't handle this and she will leave.

[JB_Girl]

For a long time, I had trouble understanding why people close to me drifted away as I morphed into my authentic self.  Most were well aware of how unhappy and cynical the persona I allowed them to see was, be but for me in any case, transition to an authentic life was and is far more than the obvious physical changes.  It has been a spiritual and psychological metamorphosis as well.

As I began to transcend who I was into who I needed to  be, I fundamentally changed.  HRT, and therapy, and experimentation did not end with the physical, I began to explore my emotions, I became involved in a new community, my appearance changed, my mannerisms changed, the very way that I envisioned the world became new.

It was too much for some.  I am now divorced, people who I studied with in graduate school find others to delve into whatever their latest musings are.  I protested early on that I was still at the core the person they knew and sometimes loved.  But the truth is that transformation from caterpillar to moth is more than a physical manifestation, and for many people the leap is simply to great to attempt.  Those who did are the core of my world today.  They are the ones who will cry, laugh, and share both triumph and tragedy with me.

Living authentically deepens or shallows connections.  I do not think it ever leaves them untouched.  That is both the hardest and the most radiant part of my pilgrimage to who I am becoming, and after four years in transition the pace continues unabated.  Becoming the person/woman/friend/lover who I always knew ought to be me is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have floated barges with tears, but I have also climbed mountains into the sunlight. 

So the reaction of your friend is not strange, it is the recognition that you are changing, and she wonders not if, but how, she can relate to the gossamer wings of the butterfly you are becoming.

Namaste,
Ming

[Kylo]

I suppose in a sense our condition is a disease that destroys us unless we find a way to make peace with it - but it destroys us invisibly if we do nothing about it and don't seek some kind of progress with it... and others don't see any of how bad that is unless it's explained to them... and mental issues are always never as hard-hitting to people in a discussion as seeing real physical evidence of something. Maybe it hit her that you really did have a condition and the treatment seems harsh. I look at it this way too - the treatment seems harsh but it is necessary for many of us, because we do have a life-altering (or sometime life-threatening problem). The treatment for cancer is harsh, but necessary, and I'd feel sorry for anyone who has to go through that treatment too... I guess it's just a natural reaction to seeing such physical changes.

[kaitylynn]

Thanks everyone!  Yes, I think I was able to get across to her somewhat, that this is the result of treatment for something that has caused a lot of harm throughout my life.  She has known me a long time and witnessed some of these behaviors, thinking I was simply "thrill seeking".  Once she viewed things through a different lens, she realized what she was actually seeing.

The emotional and psychological aspect of working through ->-bleeped-<- is often the last thing that people unfamiliar think about.  It seems a lot of people look at this as a desire to change the outside (and it is to a degree), but once they start getting close and begin to experience the internal changes...the scope of it comes in to focus.  It effects every aspect of our lives.

I am glad for our community, this one as Susan's and other online and also our local communities.  To have understanding brothers and sisters that we can turn to is vital.

One of many experiences, a singular step in a long journey.