Hello, Elena,
Rants are OK and a necessary part of life, especially dealing with fear and frustration. There is so much of which you're sure, and so much more of which you're not.
Thirty-plus is a good age to attain and still have some idea of what you're doing. Take it from me, it will not be easy but it will be the trip of your lifetime.
May I recommend visiting with a gender therapist as soon as you can? It will take time for the gender therapist to get to know you, who you are inside, and how to deal with things. IMHO, no reputable gender therapist will make a finding of Gender Identity Dysphoria at your first meeting, nor will they refer you to an endocrinologist or other qualified physician to begin Hormone Replacement Therapy until they know you pretty well. It took 3 months for a finding and referral for me.
My transition started that way in 2002 and I haven't looked back.
You show well-thought-out restraint when it comes to other surgeries. At your age Lady Estrogen might work better than you thought. Not everyone needs facial surgery because of the facial-softening effects of estrogen, nor will breast augmentation be a requisite. If you're considering butt augmentation, a friend tells me it's the most painful surgery that she has ever had. You might want to hold off on laser removal of body hair. Estrogen and other prescribed medicines for androgen blocking have left me with no body hair, not even on my legs.
Rant all you need, consult the right people, take your time, and do it to the best of your ability.
As for a partner staying, it can happen, but it doesn't always happen. I caution you not to tell her that you're the same person she married but in a different container. 'taint so, so save yourself the headaches you'll likely get for saying it.
Here's wishing you all the best,
Wing Walker
