Of living as a man but growing inside as a woman.  I finally have a scheduled appointment for a laser hair removal consultation tomorrow.  It's the first step, and not a massively visible outside one, but still, it's something to confirm the feelings I have had inside since I was young.  I have the numbers for two mental therapists so I can get on the timeline for homormones, and if I woke up as a woman tomorrow I feel like I would be in the exact place where I should be in life.  I'm fighting back the feelings to get everything done via surgery, IE breast augmentation (my family has fairly large breast expectations for females so surgery might not be a necessity) and FFS just so I can see what the effects of the hormones will do first.  I want to get the surgery tomorrow.  But do I have the mental capacity and wisdom to wait and take the hormones to see what will develop over the next few years?  I know I do, but still it's hard to fathom.  I'm almost thirty, with a wife and son.  I tried so hard to make everyone except myself happy for all my life, and now I feel the weight of what I have done on my shoulders.  My wife told me that she would at least not intially run away, that she would stay with me to see if she could handle the change, which I suppose counts for a lot considering the posts of others I've read on this forum.  Maybe I have it easy, and I'm the only one slowing myself down in this process.  Maybe if I stopped caring what others thought and just barrelled ahead I would find that happiness that I've been missing all my life.  Or maybe I would just find more grief.  This is more of a rant than a question or statement looking for advice.  I know there are many others out there that have had the courage to make the change, damn the torpedoes, and charge on full speed ahead.  The change starts tomorrow, with the consultation for hair removal, and I am so ready for it. . . .now all I have to do is tell my wife why I'll be home late. . .

Quote from: elena on September 30, 2007, 05:57:30 PM
Of living as a man but growing inside as a woman.  I finally have a scheduled appointment for a laser hair removal consultation tomorrow.  It's the first step, and not a massively visible outside one, but still, it's something to confirm the feelings I have had inside since I was young.  I have the numbers for two mental therapists so I can get on the timeline for homormones, and if I woke up as a woman tomorrow I feel like I would be in the exact place where I should be in life.  I'm fighting back the feelings to get everything done via surgery, IE breast augmentation (my family has fairly large breast expectations for females so surgery might not be a necessity) and FFS just so I can see what the effects of the hormones will do first.  I want to get the surgery tomorrow.  But do I have the mental capacity and wisdom to wait and take the hormones to see what will develop over the next few years?  I know I do, but still it's hard to fathom.  I'm almost thirty, with a wife and son.  I tried so hard to make everyone except myself happy for all my life, and now I feel the weight of what I have done on my shoulders.  My wife told me that she would at least not intially run away, that she would stay with me to see if she could handle the change, which I suppose counts for a lot considering the posts of others I've read on this forum.  Maybe I have it easy, and I'm the only one slowing myself down in this process.  Maybe if I stopped caring what others thought and just barrelled ahead I would find that happiness that I've been missing all my life.  Or maybe I would just find more grief.  This is more of a rant than a question or statement looking for advice.  I know there are many others out there that have had the courage to make the change, damn the torpedoes, and charge on full speed ahead.  The change starts tomorrow, with the consultation for hair removal, and I am so ready for it. . . .now all I have to do is tell my wife why I'll be home late. . .

in my opinion you are doing this right one step at a time and each step you take toward your personal altimate goal is a very important one. be careful of the barrelling ahead usaully when you do that you don't see the obsticles in your way and they will trip you up but when you are cautious you can see the obsticles comming and side step them. I know that you said you weren't looking for advise and that isn't my intention of replying i just wanted to let you know that I think you are doing good with the plans you have made and the steps you are taking!

Hello, Elena,

Rants are OK and a necessary part of life, especially dealing with fear and frustration.  There is so much of which you're sure, and so much more of which you're not.

Thirty-plus is a good age to attain and still have some idea of what you're doing.  Take it from me, it will not be easy but it will be the trip of your lifetime.

May I recommend visiting with a gender therapist as soon as you can?  It will take time for the gender therapist to get to know you, who you are inside, and how to deal with things.  IMHO, no reputable gender therapist will make a finding of Gender Identity Dysphoria at your first meeting, nor will they refer you to an endocrinologist or other qualified physician to begin Hormone Replacement Therapy until they know you pretty well.  It took 3 months for a finding and referral for me.

My transition started that way in 2002 and I haven't looked back.

You show well-thought-out restraint when it comes to other surgeries.  At your age Lady Estrogen might work better than you thought.  Not everyone needs facial surgery because of the facial-softening effects of estrogen, nor will breast augmentation be a requisite.  If you're considering butt augmentation, a friend tells me it's the most painful surgery that she has ever had.  You might want to hold off on laser removal of body hair.  Estrogen and other prescribed medicines for androgen blocking have left me with no body hair, not even on my legs.

Rant all you need, consult the right people, take your time, and do it to the best of your ability.

As for a partner staying, it can happen, but it doesn't always happen.  I caution you not to tell her that you're the same person she married but in a different container.  'taint so, so save yourself the headaches you'll likely get for saying it.

Here's wishing you all the best,

Wing Walker

Thank you Wing Walker,

I actually have my first meeting with a gender Therapist next Tuesday.  I did however go through with the laser treatment, and had my first treatment yesterday, and I can't wait till it's done.  I know it will take time to get onto hormones, and thats okay.  At least now I'm on the road, and not just looking at it from the sidelines.  Thanks again for your help and support!

Step one taken.  Step two coming up.

Congrats and Rush Slowly.

Best wishes

Robyn
It's a never ending journey: Life

Good show, Elena!

Whenever I start a relationship with doctor, therapist, or lawyer I always ask if our talks are strictly confidential.  Having said that, I never hold anything back from my doctor, therapist, or lawyer.  Without the exact truth there is no way that they can help you to the max.

Concerning my transsexuality, there were things in my past that I told no one --- except for my gender therapist and my psychiatrist. 

My gender therapist recommended me for HRT in about 90 days after I began therapy.

As Robyn said, it's a "hurry up and wait" situation, however, since it is a great healing process to me, may I suggest that you savor each minute, because you might be the only one feeling good about your transition. 

You are wise in avoiding unprescribed estrogen.  It is dangerous stuff in the wrong hands.  Among our sisters there are those who did not use estrogen under a doctor's supervision and they damaged their livers to the point that their bodies can no longer tolerate estrogen in any dose or form.

Find out who you are and be the best "her" that you can be.  We'll be cheering you on!

Wishing you a wonderful journey in your time of wonderment,

Wing Walker

I had my first therapy appointment and all I can say is how good it feels to have someone who not only listens to me, but understands that the feelings I have are real.  I am on the road to transition now, and there is no turning back.  I am sooooooooooo excited!

Keep on doing what you're doing and you'll be just fine, Elena.

Wishing you the best,

Wing Walker

Posted on: October 13, 2007, 01:44:15 AM

---

QuoteAnyways, therapy DID help me, but mostly in indirect ways. It's not so much that my therapist gave me great advice or anything, but talking to someone in person, and HAVING to verbalize my feelings helped clarify them for me. She also asked some good thought-provoking questions which helped me realize how I really felt. And even when we fought and argued, THAT really showed me how important certain things were to me, especially HRT.

Overall, I'm really really glad I did therapy - but it helped me more in ways I DIDN'T expect.

Hi, Elena!

Care to share an update on your therapy, how you're feeling, how life's going for you.

Wing Walker

sure I'll share an update, and I apologize for being so late in doing so.  I have my third appointment with my therapist tomorrow, and I have an appointment with a general practitioner who does hormone replacement therapy work on tuesday.  I'm thinking alot about my son, who I believe deserves a good father figure in his life, but at the same time I'm almost positive I can't be that if I dont follow through with what I really want, which is of course to be a woman.  This would be much simpler if I were single and on my own, but now I have my family to think of.  The effects of what I do not only impact myself, but my immediate family as well, you know.  I'm just glad I have a therapist to talk to now :-).  And on a sillier note, I ordered a pair of shoes, and it seems that size 12 is a tad too big, and size 11 is a tad too small.  I hate being in between sizes :-(.  Hope everyone is doing well, and send all the positive vibes my way, cause Lord knows I'm going to need them in the next few weeks.

Posted on: October 28, 2007, 05:54:57 PM

---

Another update,

tomorrow I should be getting the letter from my therapist that I can take to my doctor to get started on HRT.  I'm so excited, though it will probably be another two weeks before I can get in to see the doctor :-P.

Good to hear from you and to see that you are working toward being truly yourself.  It's not the easiest thing to do but it can be done, if it is indeed what you need to do.

Shoes...no half-sizes between 11 and 12.  Try an 11W (wide) and see how that fits.

Wing Walker