Ostracized

[Naomi71]

I really don't know what to do. When I came out of the closet, it became very quiet around me. Nobody is actually telling me to my face that they don't accept the fact I'm transitioning, but I'm just not being called anymore, nor are my calls being answered. My friends and family stopped visiting me, appointments I made are constantly being canceled, even my son is avoiding me. When I ask for the reason, it is just said that it's coincidental, entirely unrelated with the fact I'm transgender, but point remains that ever since I started this proces, I became very lonely. I feel ostracized.

Also, the gender dysphoria is just getting worse since I started last summer. It's taking very long, I just had two meetings with the medical center, only in February the diagnostic stage will start and in the summer of next year I can start taking hormones. It's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm getting nowhere, feel kind of paralysed, like I'm in this waiting room.

It's very depressing. Before I came out I had all kinds of coping mechanisms in order, but now I don't have that anymore

[FromAtoZ]

I know the feelings

i lucky have some friends who accept it full heartedly. but i got fired from my work for what i am i even have it on paper -.-.

and then indeed the waiting game umc plain out lying about the waiting times intake taking 7 weeks  wel it took 14.
my intake appointments are 4 januari and 25 januari. im fearfull that hormones will start end of 2016 by wich time ill prolly have gone mad of dysforia.

and its indeed true i coped when i was hiding, but now that im open about it i cant, i try fight trough it, i started dressing in public just to see if it takes down the dysphoria but it only helps a little bit, its driving me mad.

[Naomi71]

I would really like to know how other people made the situation bearable of being out of the closet but having to wait a very long time before you can actually do something about it. I'm still too scared to go out,  live in a neighbourhood where kids already called me names for being a "->-bleeped-<-g*t" even when i dressed up as a male, so I'm only feminine when I'm indoors and during group sessions with other transgenders. It's starting to get to me.

[Naomi71]

You mean VUmc, right? If so, we're in the same hospital. So i was thinking: if your employer put on paper that they actually fired you for being transgender, you can sue them. If I were you, I would. I also agree that dressing up only helps a little. I'm really curious how other people cope with being in this "inbetween" stage. Nothing feels right.

[Dena]

I had about 5 years of it and I had to live with it. I could escape from it for a few hours at a time through work, reading or watching TV but idle time was the worst. I didn't know enough about passing to attempt appearing in public or even to accumulate a wardrobe so mostly my idle time was by myself in boy mode.

It helped at the end of 5 years when I could start making steps toward my transition. Facial hair removal, makeup, voice lessons, accumulating a wardrobe and part time.

Hormones won't magically cure the taunts of children and some day you will need to face up to them. The sooner you do, the sooner you could move into full time which will help speed the process along.

I would like to have a better solution but he only one I found that worked is to move forward in the transition.

[Naomi71]

Wow, five years.... So I shouldn't be complaining, really. I am building up that wardrobe and at least dressing part time, but it isn't helping a lot. I do want to learn about passing so I can move to fulltime.

[Dena]

Understand that very few pass 100% and that includes CIS women. Once you accept that, ask here on Susan's. My area of skill is voice and others can help you with just about anything you might have a question about. We have one member who went from coming out to full time in about 2 month without therapy or hormones. She was motivated to get to part time then she was outed at work so she went full time. Most of us don't move that fast for a number of reasons. In my case, it took 5 years to find medical people who knew what they were doing and others who could teach me everything.

Do it at a pace you are comfortable with and let the medical people catch up to you.

[FromAtoZ]

i mainly coped with going all out outside.

Im fully dressed just no wig cause i want my natural hair, at this point the pain of being a lie is worse then people looking at me wierd.

i cope with surrounding myself with the friends that do accept me and i got a handfull but its enough.

and yes i am in the same hospital the VUmc

and my field supervisor didnt say i was fired for me being trans.
But he did write on paper that i cannot do anything transistion related at work or i whouldnt get work what so ever.

[Lyndsey]

I really don't know what to do. When I came out of the closet, it became very quiet around me. Nobody is actually telling me to my face that they don't accept the fact I'm transitioning, but I'm just not being called anymore, nor are my calls being answered. My friends and family stopped visiting me, appointments I made are constantly being canceled, even my son is avoiding me. When I ask for the reason, it is just said that it's coincidental, entirely unrelated with the fact I'm transgender, but point remains that ever since I started this proces, I became very lonely. I feel ostracized.

Also, the gender dysphoria is just getting worse since I started last summer. It's taking very long, I just had two meetings with the medical center, only in February the diagnostic stage will start and in the summer of next year I can start taking hormones. It's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm getting nowhere, feel kind of paralysed, like I'm in this waiting room.

It's very depressing. Before I came out I had all kinds of coping mechanisms in order, but now I don't have that anymore

Hi Naomi

Believe me I know the same feeling. People have different ways of telling us that they are freaked out at what we are doing. It has been 4 plus years for me and It is still lonely out there. I have had friends that I have had sense I was a child and don't see them anymore either. I'm moving away from where I grew up now and Have had and other house anyway were no now really knew me and I been staying three a lot and it has been a great thing for me. Know one knows my passed there and will never know. My heart goes out to you. It is a lonely decision  that we have made.

Hug's
Lyndsey

[stephaniec]

took me  60 years and then another 2 years to get to where I'm comfortable. I'm to the point where I can't use the men's room because the guys waiting to use it are getting angry that I'm not using the women's room.

[stephaniec]

The only thing that kept me sane was working on clothes and make up then venturing out as much as possible.

[LizK]

Underdressing helps me...but I understand how you feel I am waiting for my first appointment to roll around to see Hormone Dr on the 12 Feb...still can't get onto hormones until I see a psychiatrist to tell me I am not nuts and this is not scheduled till August. I will keep calling both the Psychiatrists offices for any cancellations and hopefully I may jag a sooner appointment because of a cancelation.

Some days its is just a fact I don't cope, I become withdrawn, angry, depressed, sad....I am currently at the point I cannot even usually read a thread about HRT as it upsets me so much.

How about a pamper session for you? having a facial or waxing or whatever makes you feel good about yourself, paint your nails, grow your hair, sit to pee , practice your walk and your talk, clothes shopping, are some of the things that helpme get through days that aren't so great. When I am feeling really badly dysphoric I have difficulty keeping my thoughts in order and concentrating...I have used affirmations in the past which I print off and place in strategic places around my home so I see and read them regularly. Things like "There is not a definitive answer as to why you are trans" or "you are what you are" This helps with the frame of mind stuff as well. Hopefully this will be of some use to you and help

Elizabeth K

[Naomi71]

So happy new year everybody and thank you for the replies.

Actually I had an unexpectedly great new year. My brother and sister do accept me and even love me for it, but they live abroad. This year we were supposed to celebrate with the whole family at my mother's place, who does reject me for being trans (she even wrote me a letter telling me how disgusted she was with me), but my sister and her daughters refused to celebrate anything without me. They picked up my son and me and we had a great time. It was actually quite funny, because my sister and her oldest daughter (I'm kind of her godmother) have been helping me with my looks all night; they plucked my eyebrows, took the curls out of my hair, had all kinds of tips for make up, it really was a girl's night.

However, after the holidays, my brother and sister will be gone and all will be the same.

@FromAtoZ: I really still believe that you can also sue them on that basis. Your boss not agreeing with you transitioning is just as discriminatory and against the "law for equal treatment". Don't forget that gender dysphoria is a medical condition. Legally speaking, it's the same as firing someone for taking chemotherapy.

[Sybil]

I think it's worth considering that at least some degree of your worry could be mere anxiety. I used to worry quite a bit when friends wouldn't get back to me, but it was mostly baseless (as I learned in the long run). Their lives changed, they were busy with a new partner, busy with a new job, busy with holidays -- so on and so forth. However, some friends did genuinely abandon me or cut ties. It does happen, and I hope that is not the overwhelming case for you.

I also did two other things that made space with friends: I avoided going into public or to gatherings with unfamiliar people because of gender dysphoria, and I became very frugal and avoided spending money in order to cover transition costs. This often made it very difficult to spend time with friends.

I know that this isn't necessarily helpful, but I do hope that it can help put your worries to rest.

[Moomin]

Hi Naomi! So glad to hear you had a nice New Year. I got one of those letters from my mother too All I can say is you are not alone and there are people all across the globe who empathise and really get it. It takes time, but you will find people who accept you for you. I only have a handful of these people, so I just treasure them all the more. Hang in there hun, and there are always people here if you need to chat or just somebody to listen X hugs

[Naomi71]

@Sybil: Part of it is anxiety, I suppose. I do recognize avoiding going in public, ever since I started dressing up indoors  all the time. Each time I get out, I change to my male outfit and it already happened a few times that I forgot to remove my eyeliner and things like that. I did get some rejection too, but I have most anxiety over what I imagine responses on the street will be. These responses are not imaginary though, in the kind of neighbourhood I live in.

@Moomin: Thank you, that is very sweet of you to write. Hugs to you too.

[Eva Marie]

I think that most of us go through this as we transition - old friends fall away for one reason or another. I was very alone for a period of time after I came out, feeling abandoned and sad, questioning my decision and whether it was worth the loss.

I discovered that as you become your authentic self the light will shine through and people will be attracted to you - you will make new friends that know about you and will stand by you.

This is temporary, and you will get through it.

[Lyndsey]

I think that most of us go through this as we transition - old friends fall away for one reason or another. I was very alone for a period of time after I came out, feeling abandoned and sad, questioning my decision and whether it was worth the loss.

I discovered that as you become your authentic self the light will shine through and people will be attracted to you - you will make new friends that know about you and will stand by you.

This is temporary, and you will get through it.

Hi Eva Marie

You are very right, Today My sister whom has broken away from me sense I have transition must have bumped her head. For reasons unknown to me she called me a few days before Christmas and was crying on the phone saying she miss's me and wants to start over. She set up a New Years dinner for today that I didn't know that my two brothers who also that I have not seen for 4 years are all coming to.  I must say I am scared for some reason and very nervous about this whole thing. I have been a mess crying about it. If this all works out today it will be one of the happiest days of my life. It has been sense February 1st 2011 sense I have talked of seen any of them. Boy are they in for a change!!! I have lost 90 lbs. and been on hormones for years now, My hair was silver white with not a stitch of color. Now it is Ash Blonde like my twin sister Dawns and that is the color it was when I was growing up.let it be known that I look nothing like what I did before. I was standing next to my brother Jim at the Deli in the super market and he even talked to me and had no clue who he was talking to. This should be a very interesting day. I also had voice surgery so my voice is totally different also. WOW! I'm shaking writing this will let you all know how thing went as I have to get going in a few minute. 

Hug's
Lyndsey Marie

[Naomi71]

@Lyndsey Marie

I'm very happy for you and wish you the best of luck. Hope it all works out well. My therapist told me I should interpret the kind of rejection I experience from relatives and loved ones as a process of mourning and allow them to take their time. Sounds like your family is ready now to welcome a sister and daughter.

[Eva Marie]

That's awesome Lyndsey! I hope that everything goes super well! Let that light shine through!