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Miya:
Neither you nor anyone else is EVER to old.
Way to go, Joi! A M-F member of my transsexual group recently had her GCS / SRS and she is age 70. If Joi can do it at age 68 and my group-mate friend can do it at age 70, then you can do it during your 40s. Find a support group where you live and participate. At least give it the old school-girl try.
Let's round the numbers. Say you start counting your adulthood at age 20. That means you've been 'male' for 16 years. If you start now, 16 years in your future will be 62; that's still relatively young in today's perspectives. Think of now as just starting your new life with plenty of new years - 20 - 30 - 40 years - as the female you are.
You posted, 'I wear female pants, polo shirts to work daily.'. You ARE there already. I did the same thing - I wore female uni-sex attire all the way through, inside and out, except for the business office shirts that had to be menswear because I was still presenting as 'male' at work.
Your next step is laser / electrolysis; you are making that move - good for you. Laser makes a few passes to get all the stuff off quick, electrolysis finishes that job, and you'll be done in no time compared to the old days. Browse the Susan's threads about laser / electrolysis for help.
There are threads about make-up and shadow concealer. Check those out,
You also posted, 'if you read this far you think I have lost it or just messed up. I just know that I transition now or just wait till I can't take it any longer ...'. I read all the way through. No, you have NOT lost it and are NOT messed up. You are you; you are making the same stutter-steps we all made when we started. What you post is that you are already in transition - keep you good work going.
Keep your focus; if GCS / SRS, then work toward that. Start learning comparative anatomy, enquire about the surgeons who perform the procedure, understand their differing philosophies, make contact with surgeons you can trust, set up your flexible schedule for two or maybe three years from now, and look - you've got it made in the shade.
And you finished with, '... and just end it myself.'. Hop aboard the transition train 'Hope' and enjoy the ride. You ARE on your way there. It is that easy. Sixteen years from now, you will look back and ask your self how you thought it could be so complicated when your path was so easy.
I did start at age 3; I had to deal with total family and 'friend' rejection. That was difficult at the start then got better as time wounded those old heels. Your support from your children will carry you through this. They are gems.
I, too, experienced suicidal thoughts and acts. I am glad those were my biggest failures in my life. In fact, my last serious thought, transitory as it was, was post-op when you'd expect me to be my most euphoric. It was my most deepest that late. I'd show my family. They'd expect they would collect my 'male' body and get my female corpse instead. Agh! I realised that no one in the family would claim it - they don't care. With that in mind I became stronger and realised that I had to start living my life for me; not selfishly, but in order for me to be a better person for others.
You were born, Miya, to be you. There is only one Miya who will ever exist on Planet Earth; I am proud to know you. I hope that my two cents helpt you.
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