Hi Miya. You're definitely not alone. I'm 39 but people sometimes think that I'm in my 50s. Don't take my avatar pic too literally. Without the clown makeup I look a bit different, plus my voice has twenty some years of heavy smoking to recover from. I relate to everything you write. You worry about never finding an intimate relationship again. I think that the need to be your authentic self is more fundamental than the need for 'Eros' anyway, and it's possible (at least I'm hoping) that a deeper level of love, with everyone and everything, can be had once all of this self hate and repression is done away with. That's the optimistic little picture that I'm hanging onto. Anyways, best of luck on your Halloween debut! You'll have to tell us how it went.

I was in androgynous limbo (not that i don't love androgynous - i do ) for decades, when i should have been just going femme. I started HRT at 49. It gets better and you have the love of your children. It will definitely get better. Love yourself, you deserve it and strive for continual improvement.

Hello,
Well today is day 71 on e. I take it three times a day, yuk. I have seen a few mental changes. My mood has lightened up a bit and depression episodes are fewer and fewer. But when they hit, they hit bad.
I am a slave to my fear. My anxiety over body and facial hair is at a high. I have had four laser treatments to my neck. I hope to start electrolysis in January. Hoping the pain will be manageable. I still haven't told my middle child about me. I feel so lost and overwhelmed most days.
Thank you to all who responded, you have helped me a lot.

Miya


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It's good that you have started.  Unfortunately, it's a long journey.  But we will do what we can...

I had much the same reaction on E that you have had..overall better but some horribly low swings.  It has gotten better with time and with each step of transition
.  While I know that everything male is troublesome, work on the worst ones that you can for each stage of transition.  HRT and hair are good places to start. 

As far as telling anyone, rember to tell a person only when it is the right time for both of you.  But make the tome when necessary.  Remember that kids are generally waaay more understanding than adults. 

Keep us posted..

Hugs and Merry Christmas!

Jen

Hi Miya, am too am late to this thread. Late 30s and in a similar position now to where you were when you started this discussion.



I am hoping things will get better.

I've no idea why people in general have this attitude a person is "too old" to do things at 40. Is it some vestigial attitude from the ancient days when average people only lived about 40 years? Because a lot of people live twice as long as that and more in this day and age. If you're too old at 40 what are you supposed to spend the other half of your life doing?? Sitting in an armchair drinking tea?

You got plenty of time ahead of you. I know a few people who are way past 40 and want to find relationships and start a new life. More power to them. The only thing it's probably slightly risky to do past 40 is conceive children. But other than that, what's stopping you doing all the things you want other than this vague idea you "shouldn't"? 

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Miya:

Neither you nor anyone else is EVER to old.

Way to go, Joi!  A M-F member of my transsexual group recently had her GCS / SRS and she is age 70.  If Joi can do it at age 68 and my group-mate friend can do it at age 70, then you can do it during your 40s.  Find a support group where you live and participate.  At least give it the old school-girl try.

Let's round the numbers.  Say you start counting your adulthood at age 20.  That means you've been 'male' for 16 years.  If you start now, 16 years in your future will be 62; that's still relatively young in today's perspectives.  Think of now as just starting your new life with plenty of new years - 20 - 30 - 40 years - as the female you are.

You posted, 'I wear female pants, polo shirts to work daily.'.  You ARE there already.  I did the same thing - I wore female uni-sex attire all the way through, inside and out, except for the business office shirts that had to be menswear because I was still presenting as 'male' at work.

Your next step is laser / electrolysis; you are making that move - good for you.  Laser makes a few passes to get all the stuff off quick, electrolysis finishes that job, and you'll be done in no time compared to the old days.  Browse the Susan's threads about laser / electrolysis for help.

There are threads about make-up and shadow concealer.  Check those out,

You also posted, 'if you read this far you think I have lost it or just messed up. I just know that I transition now or just wait till I can't take it any longer ...'.  I read all the way through.  No, you have NOT lost it and are NOT messed up.  You are you; you are making the same stutter-steps we all made when we started.  What you post is that you are already in transition - keep you good work going.

Keep your focus; if GCS / SRS, then work toward that.  Start learning comparative anatomy, enquire about the surgeons who perform the procedure, understand their differing philosophies, make contact with surgeons you can trust, set up your flexible schedule for two or maybe three years from now, and look - you've got it made in the shade.

And you finished with, '... and just end it myself.'.  Hop aboard the transition train 'Hope' and enjoy the ride.  You ARE on your way there.  It is that easy.  Sixteen years from now, you will look back and ask your self how you thought it could be so complicated when your path was so easy.

I did start at age 3; I had to deal with total family and 'friend' rejection.  That was difficult at the start then got better as time wounded those old heels.  Your support from your children will carry you through this.  They are gems.

I, too, experienced suicidal thoughts and acts.  I am glad those were my biggest failures in my life.  In fact, my last serious thought, transitory as it was, was post-op when you'd expect me to be my most euphoric.  It was my most deepest that late.  I'd show my family.  They'd expect they would collect my 'male' body and get my female corpse instead.  Agh!  I realised that no one in the family would claim it - they don't care.  With that in mind I became stronger and realised that I had to start living my life for me; not selfishly, but in order for me to be a better person for others.

You were born, Miya, to be you.  There is only one Miya who will ever exist on Planet Earth; I am proud to know you.  I hope that my two cents helpt you.

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Thanks for your kind words Sharon Anne!

You are so right!  Transition be it with or without surgical enhancements has no age barriers.  Yes, my external transition came late in life, but we all have a path that is revealed when the time is right. I tried when I was in my early 50's, but it was not the right time.  Did I know then, when I retreated, that I would ever have the opportunity again - No!
But, Joi would not be silenced forever and she emerged again, stronger, more confident and happier than I could have ever imagined.  I am so fortunate to  have survived long enough to enjoy what was waiting for me all along. I will let my longed for femininity consume me and savor every minute left. 

I officially started at 40 and the peace of mind it's given me would be well worth a lifetime without love. In fact I had totally expected that when I started. As it turned out, there was someone out there for the real me. Maybe there just wasn't someone out there for the fake me and that's why it took so long to find her.