toxic friendship?

[jordmungand]

i don't exactly know where to put this, but what she's doing is in sense discrimination, so...

okay.
i have this friend: let's call her Angel for the sake of simplicity. (side note: that's not her real name)
she has been... a person i hang out with a lot since the beginning of going to the current school i am attending. which marks this year as the fifth year i have officially known her.
now, throughout all these years, i haven't particularly seen any religious acts or speeches coming from Angel nor have i heard her saying she visits church, or that her parents are religious. she's just an ordinary, slightly increasingly annoying person.
Angel looks like your average girl; short, long haired, dainty fingers. she's just... more flat than usual and has a distinct lack of any female features other than her privates, voice and appearance.
unfortunately for me, assigned female at birth but identifying as male, my chest compared to hers is much bigger and... she has made comments.
well, perhaps just one as i recall, but still, nonetheless stressful and dysphoric for me.
i didn't get to know her much more until the second year, which is where i have decided to take my first step of appearance transition and went to cut my hair. at that point, i was still strictly closeted and only out on the internet.
i don't recall her having made any comments of my haircut while others have because of this extreme appearance make over. most, i assume, associate this drastic change to be a result of being bullied for having dandruff. (i hated washing my long hair because i didn't know how to dry it after i shower, so i wait for it to dry naturally and that takes hours. i alternate a day for washing my hair back then.)

last year (near summer, 2015), having been out for a year to my best friend only, i have decided to talk with Angel during a meal at mcdonalds.
i have always been comfortable with my sexuality -- which is that i am attracted to females (cis and identifying) and femininity. (i believe the term is gynesexual?) i have never hid this nor have i been ashamed. male crushes are minimum (tom hiddleston and mitch grassi), any males who have confessed to have crushes on me i have declined politely with excuses which range from not being interested to "not gay". i assumed every knew this -- everyone at school should know that, regardless whether it's an assumption or rumor, that i was attracted to females.
i thought Angel knew. i thought she accepted it.
but i was wrong, clearly.
i've decided that the topic of conversation should be what i should do with my new crush, a classmate from our class. she doesn't seem to know who i was talking about so i made her guess. once she got the right person she seemed appalled.
she said she couldn't wrap her head around it and that she will not help me.
i told her she was being selfish and others will not do this, she replied that i should ask our mutual friend and see if she would answer me. (our mutual friend did answer me, and she didn't care. so clearly it was just Angel.)

fast foward to october something 2015, i once again brought up something relating to me having a girlfriend since Angel, mushroom (another mutual friend) and i were on the topic of relationships.
Angel was quick to shut me down and told me, in these words (i translated them, though): the world gave you boys, but you just have to go for the girls.
i shot back that it was normal that i should go for girls because i am a boy. she refuses to accept this truth and continues on her transphobic and homophobic acts.
also feeling the need to defend homosexuals, i told her it also didn't matter what i identify with any way, because people don't choose to like who they like and they can fall in love with whoever they want.
she sarcastically wished me luck with finding a girl that "liked someone like me", as if she believed no one would.
i lost my patience then.

new years, she sent me a spam chain message that goes along the lines of "send this to a certain amount of girls and these wishes will be granted to you! or else the opposite happens oh no heavens forbid the opposite happens so you better send this to all the female girl friends you know ho ho ho. also this message has reference to god so it makes this even more convincing and will definitely happen!" (note: sending chain mails won't get your crush to kiss you. stop sending them. they also won't grant you good health for the rest of your life.)
well, needless to say she ruined my new years.
i wasn't interested with humoring her so i just told her i wasn't a girl nor did i believe in god. (which she should have known, since we've been "friends" for five years?)
she only replied, in these exact words: O sor . Haha
Just as friend ok
...
.......
she's clearly not taking this seriously and i just.

i don't know what to do with her,
we've been together for five years and it's hard to just up and flat out ignore her.
we only have a year shy from graduating and i don't want to cause needless drama and conflict, but it's very annoying to play stupid and pretend with her. her comments about me being a "special girl" because i "have no interest in shopping, makeup and boys" is very tiring and her harmful observations for my chest is very, very dysphoric for me.
i only thank our grades for not putting us in the same level or else she will start referring me as "she/her" with english (we only have chinese and liberal studies together. chinese pronouns are not gendered when spoken and liberal studies does not require conversation.)

i'm trying to distance myself but it's hard since she's the only person i'm relatively close to in our current class and we often walk to classes together. best not to break this tradition in case she gets suspicious but...
i really don't know what to do... should i just tell her off? sit her down and explain everything to her and how she's affecting me negatively? cut all ties with her after graduation (would be easier if i am forced to go overseas)? cut all ties with her now (ignore phone calls, messages, walk to classes by myself or other classmates, only greet her when she greets me)?



unrelated, but i am concerned for my future.
i dont want to enroll to a new school after gradution of highschool/secondary school (my current edu level), but i remember my mother had said that i can only proceed with treatment once i finished my studies...
i have more concerns but i dont think this is the right board.

[Ms Grace]

I moved your topic here, I think it will probably get a better response in this section.

Angel sounds a bit stupid, and homophobic. Speaking as someone who has dumped toxic "friends" I've usually minimised all contact with them to the point of rudeness. Was it worth trying to patch things up? I don't know, I just couldn't stand their attitudes or behaviour and I couldn't see that changing. Better to ditch them than put up with their constant crap.

[FTMax]

Why bother trying to reason with someone or attempt friendship with someone who clearly has issues with who you are? It's exactly like you said in the subject - she's toxic. Get rid of her. You'll be better off.

[Tysilio]

She doesn't sound like much of a friend, from what you've said. If I were in your shoes I might make two lists, one of the things you like about her and your relationship, and one of the things you don't like. This can be a good way to clarify your thinking when faced with a dilemma like this. It sounds like the negatives far outweigh the positives here, and at a certain point, ending the relationship is the right thing to do.

[jordmungand]

is it bad if i still remain friends with her? she's not had if we don't discuss topics relating to lgbt+.
and it might seem two-faced that i still act friendly to her -- but i feel bad (or feel like she might start badmouthing me) if i boycott her in general.

im only out to a selective few people and im not sure if the entire school is ready to know. i also don't know their reactions and i might feel unsafe

in the end im sure we will grow apart due to different schools -- there's only that many universities in hk.

[Alexthecat]

To add to your unrelated news, once you are 18 you can transition however you want. You do not need permission from your mother. Parents usually say they want you to finish your studies before transition. Then they will say something else for you to delay your transition. Many people find the best time to transition is a gap year between highschool and university. Consider your mothers feelings in your transition but do not let her dictate how and when you will transition. It is your body and your choice.

[FTMax]

is it bad if i still remain friends with her? she's not had if we don't discuss topics relating to lgbt+.
and it might seem two-faced that i still act friendly to her -- but i feel bad (or feel like she might start badmouthing me) if i boycott her in general.

im only out to a selective few people and im not sure if the entire school is ready to know. i also don't know their reactions and i might feel unsafe

in the end im sure we will grow apart due to different schools -- there's only that many universities in hk.

It doesn't sound to me like she is your friend, and I think holding onto the idea that this is a friendship is misguided.

[Tech_Nymph]

Honestly I wouldn't consider any person that tramples all over my feelings without discretion much of a friend at all. You're description depicts a highly judgmental, transphobic, homophobic person. Considering your circumstances that is the LAST type of person you need in your life. For school relations it sounds like it would be more convenient to not completely dump her under the suspicion of her being two faced and bad mouthing/outing you. But emotionally I would put as much distance between me and her as humanly possible. I'd take the approach that this person needs no involvement in my "real" issues and keep the depth of any conversation had with her at about the same level that would be had with a random person in a grocery store or bus. However if you reached the point of being ready to come out to everybody you would have the option of beating her to the punch thus leaving her with no leverage on you. Then you could drop her completely without fear of repercussion. Or you could simply wait till graduation and then go your separate ways.

No if's, and's, or but's, this (Angel) is far from the namesake, and extremely toxic.
You wouldn't drink poison so why have people that surround you in it?
Hope this helps.   

[jordmungand]

honestly, i just fear unnecessary drama so close to graduation. i know it's bad to get involved with someone who doesn't respect my choices but i'm also really shy and i don't want to deal with unnecessary stuff if i can prevent it. i hate problematic things and if let her go, the problems that might arise would definitely be worse than the problems she's giving me now.

i've been following your advises and i've been distant with her lately. i don't wait for her to go to classes nor am i particularly "friendly" with her. i want to make this a gradual change so to not raise suspicion, just in case.

ok max, haha, she's not a friend now.. she can be an acquaintance.

it also sucks a little because we used to talk about her, mutual friend k and mutual friend m (actually mentioned in the first post), and i moving in together in a small apartment if we all end up staying in hong kong. but now i guess these plans no longer matter since k said she would be going to japan if she could.

To add to your unrelated news, once you are 18 you can transition however you want. You do not need permission from your mother. Parents usually say they want you to finish your studies before transition. Then they will say something else for you to delay your transition. Many people find the best time to transition is a gap year between highschool and university. Consider your mothers feelings in your transition but do not let her dictate how and when you will transition. It is your body and your choice.

actually, on the topic of this.
i meant to say that i don't want to enroll to college/uni as female or with female features, not completely stop studies at the edu level of secondary school/high school.
once i'm 18, i need to get a renewed id card and it will still say female. i am not comfortable with that. (but then again in hk for our id cards to fully say male we have to have both top and bottom surgery so..)
and, i'm not sure if i am able to keep a secret from my mom that big. she takes care of most of my things and it is well within her power to deny me a place to stay if she disagrees with my choice of taking action. it is hard to find an apartment in hk so i might even be homeless.
that's kinda ironic because i'm aiming to find a spot in the art field, which is basically working at starbucks or whatever.