Lately I've been so preoccupied with trans thoughts that it dominated my life. It's been three months since I got sucked again into community, which I left behind years ago. That was good because trying to be the good het girl (tho more like a tomboy) was eating me up.
So much things have happened in those 3 months, at the same time it feels overwhelming yet bringing peace of mind. After group talks, forums interactions, talks with various people I decided that I finally am ready to face my fears and identified myself as ts ftm. In the end all my fears are related to my family that want a girl to have husband and children. For the last few years I've been rebelling loudly about having children and less loudly about having husband. Now I feel like I will crush all of their dreams, but I know I would never be happy with this kind of life. I know it's my life and I should live it to bring me happiness (and I want that) it's just first time after 20 years of identifying mysels as a LGBT person I got a peek (blame The Danish Girl
) into the emotions of family members and how it could be hard even for loving people. So much more for a family with 2 generations coping with alcoholic problems and me (the only child) being untreated ACoA. Family members therapy is not an option.
With the transition in mind I have finally got a push to take care of my physical and mental condition. I knew the need for it, wanted it but procrastinated and didn't do anything to help myself. Getting control of one's life feels liberating. The big steps are all before me. I started small steps, with some easy to fix things like hairstyle (more unisex), glasses (men) and clothes (started to buy men's). In 2 weeks a friend noticed I feel more at ease and confident.
My friends (and surprisingly family too) praise my new look. They say I look "fresh". I heard so many positive things. I'm even more amazed my family, especially mother, who was recently nagging for 2 weeks about buying a black male cap at the start of fall/winter is so far ok with changes (she likes the hairstyle/glasses) and don't scream "it's men's!" at the sight of my clearly male winter shoes. I should like it, but I'm more WTF? I don't understand what's going on. And I'm afraid that I might be too greedy because of this and start rushing and pushing limits. How to deal with that?
I do feel better now. But now that I started taking action I would like to have a magical rod to take care of things all at once. Suddenly the thought that I still have to wait is scary even if I know it's for the best to wait and get reliable medical care... But it's scary it'll take so long. I scheduled visit at sexuologist's (working with trans) in 3 months.
Still trying to find a way to cope with anxieties (I still feel what if I'm wrong) and a way to not let me being trans dominate my life. Which is now happening. What helped you? I'll have to look for a new job too. Which is kinda good that I'll have now some time to start on some other things before I find a new one.
