Nihilistic and Apathetic

[KyleEdric]

I've been thinking about death. Dreaming about it, too.

Let me preface this by saying I don't want to kill myself. At least not anytime soon.
But I am not feeling cut out for living.
I hate pain (emotional and physical), hate failing, being useless, being a child desperately trying to operate an adult exoskeleton in order to survive. It's all very frustrating and pointless, life. "Nobody belongs anywhere, no one exists on purpose, everyone's gonna die." If I may quote Rick and Morty.
If the universe doesn't give a about what its inhabitants do with their lives, then why should I? Why should anyone?

Family? Friends? You mean those people whom I have lost decent connection with? I visited my Dad earlier this month after two years of not seeing him, and I swear I hugged an absolute stranger when I met him again at the airport. I have been born into a family where everyone loves each other just fine, but no one can stand to live together as a family. Heck, I can barely put up living with my parents much anymore. If mom was willing to give me all my insurance and healthcare info and phone bill, I'm sure I'd feel slightly less stagnated.

I don't have the energy to keep up with friends. They are just going to end up atrophying like all the other relationships I've had with people. Bad friends I'm forced to ignore, and good friends always move away till they slowly fade to nothing. Everyone leaves sooner or later, and I hold them blameless. I have to, right? After all, they didn't plan it, it just happened. And it's the kind of thing that 'just happened' a lot in my life to the point I'm at now where I just don't care anymore.

Everyone is going to leave. The person reading this thread and subsequently commenting on how I'm somehow wrong, the therapist I'll talk to when I can't deal with my issues, the suicide hotline dispatcher who'll tell me life IS worth living, everyone. I'm tired of getting my hopes up. You want to do me a favor? Don't lie to my face and say you'll stay, because I know for a fact that people can't deal with me.

I can act the part of 'fine and dandy' just great. It's when my anxiety decides to play with me that that changes. I have completely lost it during panic attacks, thinking on an obsessive loop about how  selfish I could be to force someone else to listen to my whines and screams, and all I got in return with a firm "Stop it." or they will just plain walk out of the room and leave me to sob alone. I don't blame any of them.

I don't want to be saved, just allowed to vent.

I won't care of you read this or not, comment or not tell me to keep living or not. I am past the point of caring. I'm not going anywhere right now, but one day I just might, and chances are, I wouldn't tell anyone.

[suzifrommd]

Kyle, the viewpoint from the midst of depression is one of the bleakest on earth. Depression is an illusion that draws an agonizingly real-seeming picture of the world as hopeless and worthless. The worst thing about depression is that it warps your view of the world in this way and makes it very hard to see the things worth living for (though they are there) and makes the things that are discouraging and frustrating (they are there too) seem endless and all-powerful.

Furthermore, people in depression have a hard time just summoning the energy to try looking past this illusion, so they accept the view of the world that depression shows them, which just makes it worse.

You say you don't want to be saved, so I'm not going to give you advice (that might not be right for you anyway). As far as being allowed to vent, go ahead and vent away. We're listening.

[Elis]

Hey,

I'm going through a similar experience. I don't see the point of carrying on, I should be happy but I'm not. I live with my dad and brother who I have nothing in common with. We don't have any real conversations and the conversations we do have are awkward and labored. Plus I have an ex who always said they'd be there for me but hasn't bothered to contact me in 2 months; even though the last text I sent her I told her how hard I'm finding everything. Which doesn't matter anyway because life with your dad it felt like I was talking to the ghost of a person I once knew. The person I thought was there has gone. Plus it's not like I can make friends because I'm too anxious, so I'm basically held prisoner by my own brain. I've had to resort to antidepressants recently because I hate feeling so useless and empty. This is being written by someone who is used to people leaving them when they promised they'd be there. I'd never do that to someone else.

[Devlyn]

Big hug, Kyle! 

"I've been thinking about death. Dreaming about it, too."


I don't think there's anything uncommon about that. I usually give my end of life planning some thought on a fairly regular basis. Because I'm old, that's why!  I'm in Weymouth, message me if you want to get together and talk sometime.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Tristyn]

I feel like you Elis and Kyle.

While our experiences and backgrounds may be unique, the feelings and emotions I have right now are very nihilistic and apathetic.

I live with my dad but might as well be living with a stranger cause I never know what he is going to do next.

The only brother whom I thought I could call "friend" does not even try to contact me after weeks of me breaking contact with him during the holidays because he is very indifferent and not accepting, as well as passive towards referring to me as male, though he was good about calling me by my shortened androgynous name instead of my assigned legally registered name. But none of my family call me what I really want to be called, which is simply "Phoenix." Everyone around me "ma'ams" and "misses" me so badly that I am ready to call it quits. I'm not wanting to try to take my life anymore since that gets me into even more trouble usually. But I want to get on hospice and cease my dialysis treatments. That's how I want it to end.

You weren't expecting any help, and I don't blame you cause I don't expect help from people anymore either. Why should we?

[KyleEdric]

I agree, Phoenix.
There really isn't much people can say that would make me feel better about myself or about the world. I'm grabbing on the few fun things I enjoy just long enough for my demons to shut up and let me enjoy myself for a bit.

[Tristyn]

I think that's all we really can do at this point.

[WallabyWallop]

Hey Kyle, sorry you're feeling that way 

I also regret that I can only offer friendly thoughts since more practical advice isn't exactly helpful in your situation. I can't promise that things will be okay (although I'd like to) or that everything will turn out alright in the end.

But I also can't promise that things will stay bleak forever. So, you know, maybe everything is terrible and nothing matters but on the other side of the coin...maybe everything is not terrible. At the very least, we can't know for sure.

So...yeah. Best of luck, and I mean that sincerely. Hopefully everything will start going your way, and soon!

(Oh! I do have one bit of practical advice for anxiety; I always focus on a shape when I feel my anxiety starting back up. I imagine a spiral rotating and it helps clear my mind and in an abstract way gives me something to 'hold on to' that keeps me slipping into that bottomless pit of anxiety. No harm in trying it, I guess? Maybe it could help you out!)

[Kylo]

You know I actually think it's a defense mechanism or a coping mechanism. When the body's under so much stress from anxiety, thinking about death - the exit from it all - or that your life isn't so important after all is a way to deal with that weight. I've no intention of offing myself - not yet, anyway... but it's okay to think about it if it helps you get through the night.

Like others have said depression distorts your view of reality. You think your life will go on this way forever. But I know full well from experience that some the greatest times of my life came right after thinking this way but having the guts to go out and just take a chance on somebody or something, when I didn't before. So I understand how it warps the mind, and also how you never know what's around the corner. It's just finding the strength to go look.