All I can do is vent with you as well sister...
I hate that I think about how pretty I would be if I was cis gender and not what I am now. I hate that I see other women with small shoulders or petite frames or curvy hips and so on. Yes I know not all cis women have these bodies, but knowing I was supposed to have one like that makes it all the more difficult. Its hard to complain without a sense of guilt for both my blessings and curses. Sure I transitioned last year at 31 and am young to some, but at the same time I wish I could have transitioned at 18 and had those glorious years of being 20 and beautiful rather than seeing an aging woman in the mirror.
It is difficult starting womanhood lacking fresh beauty. Again this is only me whining as I know my blessings are great and I know some transitioned at twice my age and beyond so I have no valid place to complain from. I keep hoping someday my envy of cis women will go away, maybe it will maybe it wont who really knows. I hate the fact that other guys talk like you mentioned about "girls" and yet I get talked about like I am a freak or a joke. I don't need their validation but at the same time I would love to be showered with such desire. Would it be unfulfilling and fleeting? Absolutely, but so is having mass wealth. Its not something you can keep but something you can only spend, beauty and riches share that in common, and I wish more than anything to spend that beauty that was denied to me. Even when I end up a washed up old woman at least I had the memories.
I envy the fact that a cis female can meet a guy and that's that. No worries about what is between your legs or being treated second class. I hate that cis women can have normal hetero sex with their vaginas and yet here I am waiting to have some surgeon mutilate my genitals in the shape of something similar just so I can feel normal. I hate the feeling of living an incomplete life where even though I am on HRT and transitioning, I still feel something is missing and I am unfulfilled. I guess that's just life though, putting up with the things you ultimately can't control. If it wasn't the gender dysphoria who knows what else it could have been? Disabilities, unfortunate events and so on. I try to focus on being happy with what I have, but at the same time I won't kid myself and know that I am imperfect and have desires like any other human, desires that don't align with what I wish my morals dictated.
They say man is never satisfied never happy with himself, I can see why as it's always something. I wonder frequently if in the next life if I will be happy with what I was given, but I don't dwell too much on it as I chose to live, I chose to accept this new life and do what I can with it. Sometimes I have those small glimpses of being a true female, ultimately being who I truly am and I revel in the thought that my life wasn't a man's life, at least not completely and maybe that counts for something whether happiness or at least a good story to tell in the afterlife.
That's my long rant and vent, and people please don't preach to me about how I need to be thankful, I am completely away of that. I only need to vent as you all do from time to time. Hang in there girl you're not alone. *hugs*
