First steps

[Just_M]

Hi Dena! I saw those videos. According to them, I'm trans, but then I think "am I?". I mean, I cannot trust a video on something so important. Besides, some of those videos were aimed at MTF, so there were some things that weren't too helpful. I'm still waiting for a moment of clarity just to find it out, although a couple of times while watching the vids I was too sure I was trans. I'm going crazy!
And T.K.G.W., your boyfriend is quite special, right? He sounds nice but he seems to be a little bit in denial. Does he use your man name? Is the intimacy alright between the two of you? I don't know if you're pre or post-op (I don't want to be rude and ask or imply anything), so I don't know how recent this is for both of you. And I just love not shaving, I think that the problem here is our mental programming that shames us for having hair in places where everyone has hair, right? LOL

[Dena]

You are transgender because CIS don't question their gender. Where you fit in is another question. It is very common for us to be uncomfortable leaving a place in life that we know well and moving to a place that is new and different. We don't know if what we feel is strong enough to make us happy in the new life. The strange thing about it is if the transition is successful, everything still feels the same other than we no longer have the discomfort in life.

Because you really haven't described what you feel well, I am going to throw something else on the table for you to reject or accept. One identity is called fluid/bigender. If you are this, sometimes you will feel comfortable as a female and other times you will be comfortable as a male. The switch can happen in a minute or two and you will be very aware of it.

I am willing to explore this more with you but you should consider seeing a gender therapist who will be able to dig deeper than we will be able to go.

[veniamviam]

You are transgender because CIS don't question their gender. Where you fit in is another question. It is very common for us to be uncomfortable leaving a place in life that we know well and moving to a place that is new and different. We don't know if what we feel is strong enough to make us happy in the new life. The strange thing about it is if the transition is successful, everything still feels the same other than we no longer have the discomfort in life.

FWIW, Dena, I do know some cis people who've questioned themselves based on other people coming out or seeing new information on the trans world. My best friend speculated for a bit whether she might be happier in a male role, determined "nah, I'm pretty chill with being a girl," and that was that. (IMO the fact that it was very simple for her and less simple for Just_M indicates to me that Just_M is more likely trans than cis. Not disagreeing, just commenting ^__^ )

Just_M, I'd suggest going to YouTube and checking out some channels run by trans men, a lot of them have "how I knew" videos and, while I was lucky enough to never have had a gender crisis, they've helped me explain it to other people so I figure they'd probably help you come to a conclusion yourself.

[Kylo]

And T.K.G.W., your boyfriend is quite special, right? He sounds nice but he seems to be a little bit in denial. Does he use your man name? Is the intimacy alright between the two of you? I don't know if you're pre or post-op (I don't want to be rude and ask or imply anything), so I don't know how recent this is for both of you. And I just love not shaving, I think that the problem here is our mental programming that shames us for having hair in places where everyone has hair, right? LOL

Yeah, he is. He's also brutally honest, which, as a trans person going through the motions was at first for me like a brick through my plate glass window - I hated how honest he was about how he felt, about how he just didn't know how he was going to feel about me in the future, or how exactly he was going to deal with it. But I've come to appreciate and understand that his honesty is part of what makes me trust him, and that to be fair, how else could I really expect him to feel in this situation? He does seem to want to help me through it all the way, even if it's tearing him up because according to him "it's the right thing to do". That actually humbles me a whole lot, that he's prepared to do that, as I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't. So I don't think he's in denial, he just can't really help pointing out what he likes, suggesting what he likes and sometimes getting lost in that... he knows only too well what it all means, I guess. But in the past he has had phases where he's hoped that I wasn't sure what I meant, and that I'd not really be trans. I think that's what I mean by when people forget what you tell them, and they have this image of you as a different gender that takes a long time to "overwrite" with the new one, especially if they're in love with you. Not everybody's like that, but with a partner who might have spent years with you, it's understandable it'd take some time and there might be some wishful thinking - or un-thinking - going on.

My name is unisex anyway so that's luckily not a problem for me. I'm pre op, and everything between us is almost exactly as it was before, which means it's fine in reality but my brain likes to wonder and wonder what the hell it will be like when I'm post. (I think I told him about 3 years ago exactly what I felt) It's fine for now, is what I'm thinking. But the idea that a person you love (for me the only person I've ever felt real tangible gravity to...) might be wrenched slowly away from you by the changing of your body is like the cruelest psychological punishment. Feeling like I lost everything after a lot of work and effort isn't something I want after 10 years. It's been too long to go back gracefully and carefree to the person I was before I met him. I don't like that thought at all, but I know compared to some trans folks' experience with their partners, it could be a whole lot worse.

Yeah, the shaving thing started in high school. Before some girl pointed out at me that I shouldn't have any hair on my arms I never once thought about it. Then after that the feeling of being criticized in school for it grew until I did it. But I never once really cared about doing it that much, or wanted to do it that much. I ended up shaving for years just because of how prickly the feeling of the stubble is and it's easier to reshave to get rid of it than wait long enough for the hairs to stop irritating. Now I haven't shaved for a while I don't notice or think about it. I'm sure I was just forced to "worry" about it by that one girl and the fear kids have of fitting in - it faded away after I stopped being in that environment.

[Just_M]

T.K.G.W., I'm guessing that your boyfriend is also struggling to figure out if your transition would turn him into a gay or bisexual man, maybe? At least it is great to see that he's trying to help and be by your side But I have another question: does he refer to you as 'she' or 'he'? Which pronoun does he use when he talks about you?
Dena, I'm maybe somewhere in the trans spectrum. Otherwise I wouldn't have these doubts, right? I know that genderqueer is also a good option for those who feel nowhere or somewhere in the middle between 'man' and 'woman', whatever those words mean. But I'm just so sure I'd be a terribly handsome man if I ever transitioned. But I'd probably be bold because of genetics, so maybe not so pretty after all haha
I guess that, if there was a magic potion, I think I would love to see what it was like to be a man for a while (and have my friends and family be cool with that). I may probably be more confortable as a man than as a girl, with all the male privileges and the looks and the beard! But again, I would be terrified of following a path and maybe changing my mind afterwards...

[Dena]

Veniamviam made a point with sometimes a woman will say if only I were a man and sometimes men will say something like women have it so easy but that's not the degree of discomfort we feel. For us it's a pretty constant companion and not just a few wishful minutes. It also gets a little more complicated because I know a gay girl from around 30 years ago that I lost and then re established contact with a short time ago. A few weeks ago for the first time, the subject wandered to Susan's and I discovered that all these years she was intersex/transgender. It is possible for a person to go undiagnosed because they found a role in life where they are pretty comfortable.

RLE is really the only way to get a feel for where you belong. Genderqueer is right for some, Androgyne might be better for other and fluid might bounce around depending on how they feel at the moment. In my case, RLE as a woman told me that I would never want to return to being a male. Yes there were still doubts about surgery and being a female but with a male role eliminated, there weren't many other options. The really funny thing is waking up from surgery, I knew I had made the correct decision and I have never questioned that decision in the last 33 years.

We all want that magic potion or pill that would give us the easy risk free fix but it doesn't exist. Working out your new identity is hard work but thanks to Susan it is far easer than it once was. There are ways to project a more masculine image without T. You might appear more as a young boy than a man but it can give you enough of a taste of life that the decision would be easer. Just decide what you want to try and we will give you all the help we can.

[Kylo]

T.K.G.W., I'm guessing that your boyfriend is also struggling to figure out if your transition would turn him into a gay or bisexual man, maybe? At least it is great to see that he's trying to help and be by your side But I have another question: does he refer to you as 'she' or 'he'? Which pronoun does he use when he talks about you?

That's the one. He's definitely not gay but the kicker is that I've been something or someone else that he did like, and I'm somewhere between the two now, and dealing with feelings you still have for someone who now belongs in a different category must be tough.

Actually in person he never refers to my gender. I think there's only been a handful of times when we've ever referred to each other by our real names, too. When he talks about me to others he uses my actual name more than any pronoun, although I'm not entirely sure now which pronoun he might use when talking to his family or my family or something as I've not been there when he has, or because they tend to mix and match the pronouns when talking about me.

In short he avoids using "she" around me altogether. Never uses it, and never seems to use it when anyone else is around the two of us that I've seen. Although it might still be easier for him in his workplace to just continue referring to me as the girlfriend which I don't mind considering he works with one or two people who are bigots and it bothers him to have to, and there's no way they would understand or even try to. So if he still wants to use that there I have no issue with it. Not that I think he discusses his private life with them if he can possibly help it.

[veniamviam]

Veniamviam made a point with sometimes a woman will say if only I were a man and sometimes men will say something like women have it so easy but that's not the degree of discomfort we feel. For us it's a pretty constant companion and not just a few wishful minutes.

That wasn't the point I was making but also very relevant, as someone realizing he's a trans man and is saying "my life would be better if I were a guy for x reasons" would have different reasons than cis women saying the same thing (inner peace vs privilege, for example). I was just citing a few people I know who have questioned their gender because it's not a big deal to them as it is for some people (see also: us) and come to the conclusion that yeah, they're fine living as the gender they were assigned at birth. (Neuter pronouns because I know both a man and a woman who questioned themselves for a little bit.)

[Just_M]

Hi Dena! I'll look into "RLE" as I'm not familiar with that. What is bugging me now is that I don't think I have dysphoria, although I mentioned the penis-lacking feeling I sometimes had and the current fantasies where I was a man. I don't think it's about the priviliges at all because in my country sexism affects both genders. Like men have to work a lot and provide for the family and there is a lot of social pressure on them. And women get equal pay although they have to work/clean/cook/have kids/take care of them, etc. Dunno, I'm stiiil trying to figure myself out. On Tuesday I've got therapy (regular therapy) so I may (might) bring up the subject to see how things go. I'm scared as hell of just thinking about that!
T.K.G.W. your bf sounds so nice!!! Okay, I have to admit at first I wasn't too sure if he was nice or not but he does! And I'm sure you're both going to be just fine, relax and give it some time
Veniamviam, I don't know cis people that had these doubts or maybe they never discussed them with me. But it's a very valid point and I have a lot of thinking to do. Until now, as I live by myself, I'm trying to see how I feel addressing to myself or talking about myself as a man. It's creepy so I stop quick, I'm not willing to scare myself away but, yeah, I need to keep digging on this...
Thank you so much for your responses!! 

[Dena]

RLE is real life experience. It means to live in the desired role and is a requirement in most programs before receiving surgeries. I know of two ways the dysphoria can be felt but there might be others. One is that the body feels wrong. Breast may not feel right for a FTM and the lack might not feel right for a MTF. The other way which I had was socially I didn't feel right. Being addressed as the wrong gender or feeling uncomfortable as the gender you currently are. It is possible to have both forms of discomfort at the same time.

[Kylo]

T.K.G.W. your bf sounds so nice!!! Okay, I have to admit at first I wasn't too sure if he was nice or not but he does! And I'm sure you're both going to be just fine, relax and give it some time

Thanks.

We started our relationship on the basis we would be there for each other; I've always set my morals down on the table first in relationships and I won't deviate from them, which helps to establish good things later on, I guess.

[Just_M]

Hi everyone! T. K. G. W. (Taylor, maybe?), glad to see that!
And Dena, I'm stunned people are so brave to go on RLE! I just don't see that happening from one day to the other in a small town like mine. Maybe moving out and having a fresh start where no one knows me, that may work better.
As for now, I'm really frustrated. I contacted an NGO for LGBT civil rights in my country. And I reached out and wrote via Facebook to the group of trans men. And I was like 'I have a lot of questions and I don't know who to talk to'. Then he said that I could ask whatever I wanted. And I sent him my question, the same I posted here (how can I tell if I'm trans?) and they never replied!! And I just wanted to talk to before I saw my therapist tomorrow I'm feeling nervous already.

[FTMax]

And I sent him my question, the same I posted here (how can I tell if I'm trans?) and they never replied!! And I just wanted to talk to before I saw my therapist tomorrow I'm feeling nervous already.

To be fair, it's a pretty tough question to answer. Most people in our community wouldn't dream of telling someone else whether they were trans or not, so sometimes it's hard to come up with a response to questions like that.

[Just_M]

Hi, Max! I'm not sure I understand what you're saying (English is not my first language). Do you think my question was rude? I just wanted to know how I can figure myself out. And I didn't address my question to anyone in particular, I just asked for help via Facebook (message) to the trans men group/section of that NGO. I was scared of sending them my question as well because I used my personal account. And I get too paranoid about the exposure (I'm a teacher and researcher and I'm never going to go to their meetings for this reason). I'm also scared I'm going to chicken out tomorrow and never disclose this to my therapist. I mean, they are just doubts, maybe they don't mean anything...

[FTMax]

Hi, Max! I'm not sure I understand what you're saying (English is not my first language). Do you think my question was rude? I just wanted to know how I can figure myself out. And I didn't address my question to anyone in particular, I just asked for help via Facebook (message) to the trans men group/section of that NGO. I was scared of sending them my question as well because I used my personal account. And I get too paranoid about the exposure (I'm a teacher and researcher and I'm never going to go to their meetings for this reason). I'm also scared I'm going to chicken out tomorrow and never disclose this to my therapist. I mean, they are just doubts, maybe they don't mean anything...

Not rude, it's just not really something that someone else can answer for you.