I'm not sure if this is going to help, but here it goes.
Life is hard enough, without you adding negative thoughts. Easier said than done. That's what I was told at the beginning of my transition. (I'm about to open up a little too much so bare with me)--
At the start of my transition, I did not have the support I needed. In fact, I thought I was a little insane (please forgive that word) for doing this. I mean, I looked like your typical ALPHA male! I had muscles, height, and a shaved head to match. In fact, they would call me Vin (after Vin Diesel---but not as buff--LOL). I remember, trying on a wig to see if that would help me picture the woman I wanted to be, but it was REALLLY hard to see "her". Because of that, I sank into a deep depression.
Then a close and very young relative of mine got very sick. For months we were in the Intensive Care Unit. I kept taking my HRT meds, just like I would with my vitamins. I never quit taking them, no matter how bad things got. The truth was, I was dedicated first to this relative, and then my HRT. We became the topic of a news segment that went viral...so much for transitioning in private. Pictures were posted of me and my family on the news shows. It became a circus. The good thing was that it was able to bring awareness to a very obscure and unknown disease. Again, I kept going on my own with all my HRT meds and seeing the Doctor at a local LGBT clinic.
I was falling apart. There were the occasional doubts, but I knew that I couldn't stop. Dealing with this relative, it made me think how precious life was, and how lucky I was to have this option to correct my gender. STILL, my mind couldn't see HER very well, and I had no idea what I would look like in the end.If you would have told me I could pass well, I would have laughed at you and said you were crazy.
On top of that, I had a career in Voice Over, and Film/TV! What the heck was I going to tell those people that knew me before I transitioned?
As time went on, I began taking pictures daily or weekly. That's when I began seeing the changes. I couldn't with a mirror for some reason. My wife, also began to see the changes.
Since I lived in the hospital beside our relative, I didn't have the privacy to explore my new found self. In fact, once my boobs began to grow (mom and sis have big ones-LOL), I had to hide them with sports bras and bind them. As you can imagine, it was hard suppressing what I was wanting soooo badly. This was going on for almost 3 years, since our relative was in and out of hospitals.
Towards the end of their death, I began to realize that I could no longer hide. It didn't matter to me, if I passed or not. Life is apparently short, and seeing this tiny creature struggle made me see things differently. In fact, I still visit her grave and chat with her about how much "SIGHT" she gave me with my own demons. It would be an insult to her, for me to hide who I was.
Finally, one of the doctors, asked me about myself. I was angry that they even attempted to ask me, since I wasn't there for me, I was their for my relative. BUT, I stood up and said "YES!, I'm trans! and what does that have to do with my relative?" This situation escalated and the head of the hospital, came at 9pm to apologize to me!
I can't tell you how empowered I felt. That situation prompted a change in their hospital policy as well.
I guess what I am saying is --Just keep going, and your path with illuminate itself. As time goes on, you will see what works for you and what doesn't. You may find that coming out is better for you. Or you may find out, that it's best to keep your transition to yourself. What I can tell you, is YOU will eventually get to the point where all those doubts will subside. You will be impressed by your changes, and happy with the results. It will NOT happen overnight. And also remember that your transition is not only for you, but for others around you as well. Some will take longer to digest your new self. I found that it's hard for family and old friends to make the adjustment, so be gentle on them.
In the end, it's not about them, it's about you.
Life was very hard for us, financially and spiritually, but eventually it leveled off.
What I can tell you is, I am OUT to my friends and family and also people that are involved with my career. I am having a blast as my NEW self. I don't go around telling everyone I'm trans, but I don't hide it, since I found that it helps sometimes and can inspire other trans women...that's just me.
I am still married, to a wonderful woman, who is now very involved with the LGBT community and mentors them (she is a game producer). I'm currently directing and co-producing a Documentary. I've travelled around the globe as ME and I'm sure I get stares (I'm 6 ft tall), but I think it's more because I'm tall. We've gone to straight clubs and I've gotten hit on as well (which I don't really care, but it kinda validates that they perceive me as a female). And I'm not this gorgeous female like some of you on here. I'm just a "normal" chick. LOL
As time goes by, you'll feel the real you come out, and SHE will guide you. Just keep your head up high and they will respect you either way. HAVE FUN WITH IT! It's hard enough being trans.
I hope this helps.
HUGS!!
