"Fake" emotion and scared of being uhappy...

[Alexander2202]

It's like I can tell when an emotion is only caused by these female hormones... And it's driving me insane, some emotions don't feel REAL me... Like I'm always asking myself "Am I really angry?" or "Am I really sad?" I could be crying and at the same time arguing with myself "WHY AM I SO SAD IF IT DOESN'T FEEL REAL?"

Like how do I know if I really feel this way? If I know it's just an emotion being fabricated by this body I don't feel connected to? It's fake emotion to me...


And my happiness? Is well, sad... I could be feeling so happy, but at the same time that depresses me... I don't want to let go of my happiness, but I know I'll have to... I'm scared of planning ANYTHING, so if someone were to say "are you free on the 16th?" I'd get so scared and think "Am I going to be unhappy then?" but if I tell people, they would just think I'm stupid for "letting my fear of unhappiness rule my life." Why would I LET that happen? I'm scared of every single date on the calendar; my brother's birthday, my own birthday, Halloween, Christmas... God, I so sick of it!

And when I am unhappy again, I always see things like "Cheer yourself up and do something that makes you happy!" And it frustrates me so much to read that, because if I'm sad, doing something I enjoy will just make me feel worse because it honestly feels like I'm missing out... Like I'm being left behind... When I really wanted to go... I just want to be there in the moment and live my life without my body holding me back...

But it just feels like I've left myself at home...


I'm getting all deep and metaphorical now...

[Dena]

I think the emotions you are feeling are real but the source is different. Being pre t and pre transition, you are feeling life crushing down on you. It was that way with me for a long time. My copping mechanism was to wall off the emotions so I didn't feel them. Was it healthy to do so, no. In addition, when that wall came down I had a good deal of baggage to clean up. I know T isn't possible but there are blocker drugs that can reduce the discomfort you are feeling from estrogen. The will not make all your emotions go away but the might help you with the depression. Explain this to your parents, to your doctor or maybe a school consoler if you have one. The time may not be right for you to start T, but the blockers are totally reversible and have no lasting effects.

[FtMitch]

I agree that you should think of those emotions as "different" rather than "fake".  Sure, they may be a biological response rather than a response to societal factors, but you still feel them so they are still real.  Can you visit a psychiatrist?  Anti-depressants helped me a lot for many, many years before I was able to come to terms with the real reason I was depressed and begin transition.  If you are feeling unhappy to the point that it inhibits your ability to live life then there is nothing wrong with seeking psychiatric help.

[Kylo]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I know there's like two sides to me. One side I know is very, very hard to upset. Super laid back. Would take literally someone trying to beat me to goad me into any kind of emotional response (although once they got it they'd surely regret it). The other side - it's there sometimes - is kind of artificially neurotic. I can feel it's almost like I'm not even involved in the process of it, like it's hovering on the surface responding to stimuli without my permission.

I've started to understand it now. It usually happens only when I think about my life. The concept of sadness is so tangled up with the idea of "My Life", that's when it surfaces and I start feeling sorry and angry for myself because there's some other life I know is out there that should have been mine but isn't. It's like I said to my S.O. once trying to explain exactly what kind of sadness it is all I could say is "it's what I'm made of..."

The only way around it for now is not to dwell on my life in that way much. I find without doing that, not much emotion wriggles up to bother me. It's not an ideal solution since I think about my life a lot... but I'm going to have to do it for now, at least until things get moving with the transition. When life gets ridiculous I try to imagine it's a stupid TV show or something and just ignore it. Again not ideal, but as a temporary solution it sort of helps me.

[November Fox]

Hey Alexander.

I used to have this too. Still have it sometimes but to a lesser degree.
The way I think of it is this: emotions are never really disconnected from our state of mind (in terms of stress, for example), our hormones, and outside factors..

So whether your emotions are really yours - that depends - whether you think that they express who you are or not. When I feel all weepy because of estrogen, or lack of it, or whatever it´s doing - I know to connect that feeling with the hormones and I see it as an expression of the hormones (not of my personality).

As long as this system is functioning on female hormones (you could see it as an OS), it will use certain functions to let go of stress etc, because it does not know how else to. Which is not an expression of your personality.

I also live with the fear of being unhappy in the future, but that is not related to hormones per sé. You will have ups and downs on a male hormone system too. I usually just take it day by day and my friends understand that my mood is kind of instable and thus not to feel offended when I´m not able to live up to plans.