I was in highschool and had a great time for the most part. I have always been different and managed to find likeminded people. Mostly pretty girls in the choir lol. I hung out with them at lunch even though I had plenty of friends on the football team hmmm Now I know why lol. Growing up in San Diego, I personally found that the people for the most part were good and decent . I might have told THEM... My young and accepting friends... But the consequences were too high. Friends hinted at being ok to talk to about things but I couldn't . I was... "A good kid" I couldn't rock the boat . My parents saved me from a life of being a foster kid. I was adopted from a schizophrenic drug abusing woman that cut my umbilical cord with a plastic knife cuz that's all she had . *I*was all she had until CPS took me away before I was barely in her arms. . I was born downtown San diego on a bad part of F street in a drug house.
What I'm trying to say is I love my parents with my whole heart... Their approval meant EVERYTHING to me. They took me out of nothing and gave me a luxurious life where I traveled to Hawaii a half dozen times ... Aruba, Europe, Israel... . We had luxury cars, and a huge house and rich friends with bigger houses...
I had a privileged life... Why go mess it up by being an anomaly? Being such a unique subset of the world to the point where people ogle at you when I speak and sound like a man...It's probably not that rare in Las Vegas (I freakin love my city almost as much as my home town) but people really do have their creative lightbulbs turned off. :mrgreen:
At 17 almost 18 I was still in high school. I had hot girlfriends, played football, sang in the choir, was in the drama department, Advanced placement history/Spanish... I did so much extra curricular activities that I felt like I would ignore my feelings. I was mostly content.... But I still new I wanted more . I knew that I was more . Senior year second semester hit and everyone was set on their future or at least were optimistic . The rest of the stragglers like me were wondering what the hell to do next. I was stuck in limbo - loving highschool and not ready for it to end. Typical ...
Before school ended something bad happened ...
By pure chance... A big man showed up at our house with a knife running from a random crime. He was in a gang and working on 3 strikes. And without going into details on this one... He could have taken my life... But he didn't. I saw the sadness in his eyes as he pinned me up against our car ... Followed by fear and anger... as he threatened me with a pocketknife and demanded the keys. My mom was crying standing 15 yards away frozen in fear watching . it was just me and him... I recognize the look in his eyes ... A lost soul. The sadness that he didn't wanna be doin what he was doing but had no choice ... That was me... I knew how he felt and we stared at each other before I had the courage to push him off me. I had to ID him in court but he plead guilty. made sense since he really did go on a rampage (long story he only cut me a little bit) ... Anyways It opened my eyes. I grew up a bit after that. I went back to dressing as a woman behind my parents back. I looked cute ❤️☺️😔 I was happy for a bit despite everything. That experience was good for me. It taught me how real life is. I learned to be more independent. I learned I was STRONG . A summer before I saw my first person die after I couldn't save him... That hit hard but this was more personal. The look in his eyes... The desperation. I saw it in the mirror whenever I could stomach to look at myself. I didn't want to be that way...
Time goes by
My parents caught me again ... Same story as before. I had women's clothes stuffed behind my bed. They thought I was so wierd. But I was so cute... Ugh. This time they sent me to sex addicts classes at the age of 17/18. There was a tiny room full of like 10 old men. They looked at me with ... Thirsty eyes . I know people too well. I was an innocent kid but even I knew exactly what they were thnking. They were Being so nice and "supportive" as could be. Asking for details about why I'm there. I hated being there 😔 I couldn't handle it. Their smiles of lust ... I remember them... Even thinking about it now makes me cry (as I hide my tears from my brother- he doesn't know I'm trans or will be ? . ) I was being punished in a cruel and unusual way because of my sexuality. my parents thought they were helping me😿 they don't know they broke me. I went back to being their son. Just their son. No pretty dresses or allowed to grow out my hair for me... But my parents bragged to all their friends about me so I felt better... 😔
They sent me to college where I didn't fit in but everyone thought I was cute so they were nice to me anyways.
Towards the end of second semester I began to dress as a women in my locked room. I was trying to learn makeup techniques and get some sort of fashion sense - remember I feel like I look fairly androgynous. I can pass as a woman more easily than some. I'm sure it has nothing to do with any means of myself doing anything at all in a manner that would affect my estrogen levels for a brief moment in my younger life.. 😇.
My parents gave me ample amounts of cash for living expenses. I bought a wig makeup everything. I looked great! I wanted to be a model lol. I had pics on my phone but they were deleted 😔 by my mom . She bought my computer and paid for everything so she used that as an excuse to control my life "in the name of love " or "what you are doing is a sin". Anyways... I went off one night wearing heels and my newly mastered face😀 happy to be hundreds of miles from my home. no one gave me any strange looks I knew I was passable ( not bragging sorry I feel like ️Gabrielle is my hot Girlfriend 😋) guys wistled at me a few times it made me feel so good 😘😳😻🙋💁.
And then something Bad happened... Again.. This time it was Really bad.
I wanted to go out and see a movie. I wanted to look cute... So I dressed Up and went out. I walked the mile or so to the movies and was on my way back. I didn't think to ask a friend for a ride especially since no one knows Gabi . I'm independent. I don't ask for help ever... After all... I was a guy right ? I wasn't thinking that my dress was really short , or that my wig covered my face so I couldnt see. The heels made me slow. Or that I was looking really good for a creepy area. I walked home alone on a dark street at Chico state university in Northern California. I saw a movie and felt great👠 . Walking home was cold!! I was thinking about life ... And listening to Imogen Heaps Hide N Seek (I sang the song with a group in high school. Please don't listen to it)
A group of men (not men really they are male..but subhuman scum) was apparently behind me. I didn't know cuz I had headphones in and was busy being happy. I was really alone along a half mile of broken flickering lights . The next thing I know I was knocked to the ground. I didn't know what happened... The music was still playing in my ears as my face hit the pavement . I felt a hand reach down my back ... I turned over and saw a large shadowy figure stand over me. I'm 5'10" but I felt so small. He was a thug , wearing baggy clothing and acting "hard" . He looked into my eyes from his shadow-face and I knew he knew. My glasses were already knocked to the ground so I didn't get to see everything. I would have known his true intentions . He knew I was a guy😳 I was so afraid at the possibilities of what could happen next. I though he was going to hit me or at least start by doing something like that 😔 I wasn't ready for what happened next😁 he stabbed me with a serrated kitchen knife 🙊 the bastard like wtf. I was in shock ... I couldn't move. My left leg throbbed . I couldn't move . Music was still playing. Hide And seek. The blood was steaming onto the pavement as the 32 degree night crept on. The smell wafting through the air like battery acid mixed with iron . I pulled out the knife, I thought it would help. Lol it so didn't that was a bad idea I know but I didn't know it was in so deep . Blood was squirting out of my leg like water fountain at an alarming rate. I was alone, the guys were gone And I didn't know what to do. I tried calling 911 but my hands were so cold I was shaking. I wasn't wearing a jacket... I was showing off the silicone forms I just bought with my dads money lol. I was an idiot. I realized I was wearing women's clothes! If I was found in women's clothing ... I would be in such trouble! I instantly became aware mentally. I was focused. I thought I was ok . I knew I wasn't but lied to myself anyways . I got up, with my leg throbbing, but took off my dress anyways . I pitched my clothes in some tall overgrown grass and changed into my t shirt and jeans I had in my bag. It helped me warm up a lil which I was happy about. I called 911 as I got dizzy. Other things happened but the next thing I remember for sure is a cop holding a tourniquet on my leg and tying it down. I was in the hospital for a while but no one ever found out about me.
I went through therapy after that. I stopped dressing femme. I tried to be normal... I became depressed. I shut down emotionally and the last few years I was just making it work. I had everything but was miserable.
I've seen a therapist and talked a lot. I'm not emotionally damaged it turns out. Shocker. I am an incredibly strong woman, and man. Gabrielle is fierce and fearless and someone I love to my core. I feel as if she is bigger than me sometimes I have to remind me that it's just me!
I have a fun and exciting Job and high hopes for the future. I love my life so much ; everyone asks what I'm smiling at every where I go !! I see my smile brings other smiles and it makes me that much happier... There's a small chance they notice me for what I am. That's ok with me I look cute I don't care... When I try at it I can pass (I think I fool myself that's good enough for me- passing is just thinking I look good enough to go out). Without makeup I can pass if I shave. Im not on HRT but am so ready... I've been considering it for a long time . I'm working on my body image for personal satisfaction and it's the most exciting adventure of my life. 8 months ago I was 250 pounds or more (I stopped counting after that) I'm down well below 200 now and actually already have a very femminine physique as it was. Just my shoulders and upper body are trouble areas (and butt-always and forever) . I met some new girl friends that are workout junkies ❤️ Just what I needed! My life has returned to normal. I feel truly happy for the first time ever.
honestly... I have had the most INTERESTING life so far . That's not bragging I hope , I really do have great stories to tell . I feel everyone should feel the same way about their life right??
I love to sing. When I can afford lessons I'll be getting another vocal coach. I have endless amounts of drive and motivation. I have talent and focus. I will make sure you remember my name because I feel like I can get a lot out of this life. I'm here to spread acceptance and find wisdom and encouragement on my larger than 1 life endeavor.
I work and take care of my brother.
He is different too but I'm his payee and caretaker. Very little time for me sometimes...
I had a female dancer roommate move in 8 months ago. I found out I'm more femme then her. And she is hot... It opened my eyes. I feel liberated. I can't believe my life is getting so interesting. I feel like I'm on s reality tv show .
I don't have many people to talk to now but I'm sure I'll make friendsI need advice. Support and reassurance.
Thanks for reading anyone that manages to finish
I edited out like 3 pages worth of info (you are welcome)
Thanks Everyone for being here
️Gabrielle
