Hi! This topic is probably covered before, but this is particularly for MtF girls on HRT (i.e. determined by medical professional as transgendered, and are serious about living 24/7 as a woman).
Question: Before starting hormones, how was your feeling of wanting to be female affected (if at all) immediately after a masturbation session? After being on hormones for a sustained period, how have these feelings changed (if at all) post-orgasm/masturbation?
Background info: I'm having trouble distinguishing what parts of my GID are sexually derived. I don't hear it talked about, but I feel like I have a sexual identity that completely fits that of a normal female. I theorize that there are two components to what makes up the gender level we identify with, which is a sexual identity and a-- for lack of a better word-- personality identity. However, I feel like in general, the sexual identity trumps the personality identity, and is the main source of inner turmoil relating to GID if the identity is different from the person's biological sex. Perhaps it is also why some transsexuals can easily act and pass as the other sex since they are able to naturally carry themselves with this personality identity.
My feelings of wanting to be female more or less started when I was around 4-5 (how I know is from a scene in Home Alone and that was my age then when the movie came out). However, they became full blown around puberty, particularly around forced feminization. After orgasming, I'd feel guilty, but the feelings would come back, and sooner and sooner as I aged. With that said, I think I've always been a really sexual creature, as I recall even at that age period (since 4-5) my penis would become erect at the thought of becoming a woman (or transformation and submission in general), and I would relish going to bed where I can peacefully fantasize. I remember getting confused why my penis would get hard and always try to push it down so it would bend again.
So now, I'm starting to think the norm for me may really be female, because save for 10-15 minutes post-orgasming, the thoughts dominate me--going to sleep with it, waking up to it, typing this out in the middle of a work day. This post-orgasm "guilt", as I read, may just be the way bio males are wired soon after orgasming that produces certain hormones that conflict with their more female brain wiring. Even then, I'm not sure if guilt is the best word for me, but more of this lazy feeling of being indifferent.
Hence, I have been wanting to see, whether through herbals or a doctor, if I can get a low dosage (or temporary dosage) of hormones to see how my dysphoria is as vibrant in my day-to-day life. In theory, if my dysphoria is more of a transvestism, then I would expect it to diminish as I take more hormones. However, what has stopped me the most from self-medicating is that I want to remain fertile so I can still have biological children. I am 30.
Anyways, the bottom line and goal with these questions are I want to see how different I am from those that are transgendered enough to be happy after transitioning. Perhaps they had similar experiences and feelings as well.
These are just my opinions from my observations and introspection, and I don't really have much data to back it up. Yes I plan to talk to a gender therapist as soon as I work out my health insurance situation.
Thanks for reading and answering!
