Parents....

[Amy413]

Accepting or not accepting parents can be a real challenge in transition.
Fortunately, I have accepting parents, mostly.
Mom is too accepting and I have had to back away for a sense of privacy.
And My dad, well that's a complicated situation.... he has his own issues which give me the impression this is definitely genetic. We have awkwardly talked a few times on the subject, he's accepting, even willing to help financially, but I sense a conflict within him. He and I have something in common, I find it too uncomfortable to talk about, I only know a little from the few times we have awkwardly talked. He even has tran friends. A transgender friend of his got me my first job in the video game industry.

But he's 77 now. He forgets all kinds of things as many 77 year old's do. I accept that, but it can be very awkward and embarrassing at times. he's been trained for a very long time to call me PETER, though I have always preferred 'pete', even my sister and mother know this and call me pete, but he still calls me Peter.

I'm not even sure if he knows if I am actually going through with transition our conversations have been so awkward and cryptic. He talks to me and treats me the same as if I'm 'one of the guys', commenting about women on tv. I try to steer conversations more to things more comfortable for me.

BTW, I live with him now. He's single, retired, he & my mom divorced in '73, not much of a social life either, I don't want him to be alone. He's done so much for me over the years.
I never married or had kids, never wanted kids. I like them, I just don't want any of my own.
My kitty-cat is good enough for me.

I guess this is just a general frustration with an aging parent.

But it presents one awkward situation for a transition.
Even if I could afford to move out, I still want to be around most of the time. He and I have grown close in his later years.
But I know him, he has this habit of just saying the most awkward things at bad times, some people do.
And I think he is holding on to the whole 'father-son' thing, despite his level of acceptance.
Maybe it's just old and stuck in his ways. But it can get uncomfortable at times.

It's definitely put a damper on a transition and will drag this out until I can figure out how to at least live in a more separate dwelling. Two people with no social lives between them stuck under one roof will make anyone nuts. Add a transition on top of that?

I know, I need to get out more, I'm working on that. But I don't want to feel like I have to live my life away from home to be able to do this. he's retired, he's always here. I don't want my transition to be a big subject of conversation, I just want to gradually shift my outward style with a minimum of his involvement.

I just feel like I can't be myself around him.
I've always felt an expectation from him for me to be a certain way, do things exactly as he has, including not transition. I get mixed signals from him.

[Tristyn]

Hi.

I can definitely relate. Though I cannot think of one person that is "too accepting" of my transsexuality. My dad is sorta like that. Its like he pretends I am just as much his daughter as his step daughters are, who are both cis. Or at least they seem that way. He will tell people, "Oh no. That's my daughter." Only to leave them confused and puzzled. Yes. I know how you feel. That makes things so, so, so awkward. Like you don't ever wanna be around him or seen in public with him because he might shame and embarrass you even though it may not be intentional. You are a much better human being than me; I plan to cut my family off entirely....except my bro and my mom....but that's it.



-Phoenix

[Amy413]

"too accepting" is just a loose term I used.
To be honest my mom and I have had a very co-dependent relationship over the years and She has always really known. A mom just knows. Her enthusiasm was too much for me, I got scared and melted down. That's what I meant by "too accepting". I've had to distance myself for many reasons. I'll eventually connect back with her.

I tell this story to show this runs in families.
My dad is a non transitioner. He's told be of his personal confrontations with himself and his reasons not doing it.
Things were a LOT different for his generation.
I'm lucky at least that we are slowly learning how to deal with this. he and I have a good relationship and though cryptic and awkward at times, we do eventually work things out.

[stephaniec]

Well, my dad always knew I was dealing with this since a child, but we never talked about it, for one thing I never talked to anyone about it. I took care of my dad for the last 6 years of his life because he was too ill and other issues with family. I for myself am so glad I was there for my dad until he passed. I maybe had it somewhat better than you in that my Dad was bed ridden so he was stuck in one spot and I had the rest of the house to practice in. The important thing for me was that I was able to give back what he gave to me.

[cheryl reeves]

Cherish your dad while you still have him..My dad knew I was different and took the time to teach me how to be a boy,he did this so I could survive. I lost my dad when I was 16,34 yrs ago and I still miss him. When I came out to my mom she told me she always knew for I wasn't like the other boys for I related more to girls. So here I'm 50 and now more at ease with myself..

[Kylo]

I know lots of people who can't truly be themselves with their parents. Just seems to be a thing about how they may view you as their kid - it's never going to be on the exact level of a friend or best friend, sibling etc. but something different.

My mother, for example - we got along fine until she started trying to push me around physically, as she often did her boyfriends or whatever. That crossed a line for me and I wasn't nice about it. She saw my not accepting it as an affront to her authority in the house and a turning point that meant we couldn't possibly share space ever again. I never looked back, really.

So ever since that point, I've never felt the respect, love or whatever for her the way I had as a child. When we talk there is a great distance between us, and it's not going to be rectified. She has a strange interest in my transition - either she keeps forgetting what I already told her or she's screwing with me by asking about it so much. Misgenders plenty, sometimes acts like she's trying her best not to, other times acts like I shouldn't be bothered. I can't be relaxed around her because of the tension and disgust I have with some of the things she's done in the past and her hot and cold B.S.. Hurt for a while but eventually I realized that, well, people are people and they all have their crosses to carry. I've got my own and I can't carry her or hers too. Makes me a bit sad and nostalgic we don't get along these days so well but... that's life I guess. I've stopped really being so free with information about the trans thing when she asks because the repetition and the talking behind backs about it which I know is going on is being fed by it. Pretty sure I'll never trust her again emotionally, so talking to her is kinda the chore these days.

If I were you that idea of living separate but still taking care is a good idea. Living together would mean you'd get no breathing space really. I know someone who took care of his mother under the same roof and he's an alcoholic now as his only way of coping with the stress of it.

[Amy413]

Cherish your dad while you still have him..My dad knew I was different and took the time to teach me how to be a boy,he did this so I could survive. I lost my dad when I was 16,34 yrs ago and I still miss him. When I came out to my mom she told me she always knew for I wasn't like the other boys for I related more to girls. So here I'm 50 and now more at ease with myself..

That's actually a big part of my anxiety lately.
My dad is getting older and I am terrified of losing him!
I'm trying to cherish him as much as I can through this emotional maelstrom I am going through transitioning.
The timing of my transition coincides with the common, but difficult, process of watching a beloved family member age and eventually pass. I could have 20 more years with him, there is a lot of longevity in my family. Or I could have much less, we never know. He's in good health, getting good reports from his doctors.

This is more of a chronicle than a complaint. People always get frustrated living in close quarters with another at some point. It's more frustrating when it's family.

[Amy413]

I know lots of people who can't truly be themselves with their parents. Just seems to be a thing about how they may view you as their kid - it's never going to be on the exact level of a friend or best friend, sibling etc. but something different.

My mother, for example - we got along fine until she started trying to push me around physically, as she often did her boyfriends or whatever. That crossed a line for me and I wasn't nice about it. She saw my not accepting it as an affront to her authority in the house and a turning point that meant we couldn't possibly share space ever again. I never looked back, really.

So ever since that point, I've never felt the respect, love or whatever for her the way I had as a child. When we talk there is a great distance between us, and it's not going to be rectified. She has a strange interest in my transition - either she keeps forgetting what I already told her or she's screwing with me by asking about it so much. Misgenders plenty, sometimes acts like she's trying her best not to, other times acts like I shouldn't be bothered. I can't be relaxed around her because of the tension and disgust I have with some of the things she's done in the past and her hot and cold B.S.. Hurt for a while but eventually I realized that, well, people are people and they all have their crosses to carry. I've got my own and I can't carry her or hers too. Makes me a bit sad and nostalgic we don't get along these days so well but... that's life I guess. I've stopped really being so free with information about the trans thing when she asks because the repetition and the talking behind backs about it which I know is going on is being fed by it. Pretty sure I'll never trust her again emotionally, so talking to her is kinda the chore these days.

If I were you that idea of living separate but still taking care is a good idea. Living together would mean you'd get no breathing space really. I know someone who took care of his mother under the same roof and he's an alcoholic now as his only way of coping with the stress of it.

Moving out is financially difficult. I have no income of my own. Working on some indie game stuff, I'm a programmer/digital artist, eventually there will be something money wise I can call my own. But there is a serious crisis with rentals in my city (Portland,or), skyrocketing rents. not enough units in town. The house me and my dad live in is paid for and he has stated to me he's leaving it to me. It's a good situation financially. No mortgage or rent, just property tax and housing association fees. Something most folks would not be very motivated to give up, a paid for house being left to you? he wants me to think of it as much mine as it is his. I am very grateful. Not having to worry about housing expense take a huge burden off me.

We are planning some renovations to make the place more of a 'duplex'. I'll get the 2nd floor, he'll take the 1st.
But those things take time and planning, sometime in the next year or so the work should be done. We try to give each other as much space as we can in the meantime.

I have more of a traditional family that takes care of itself, not the modern "nuclear family" where you are expected to be out on your 'a' at 18 and entirely working to survive all on your own as it seems to be so widely pushed by peoples attitudes. Sad how so many parents just can't want to get rid of their kids when they hit 18.
That is promoted by industry to make "good workers" and consumers with extra money to spend on useless stuff.

[Evil Lyn]

I didn't start transitioning until after my father died (no love lost there; he would have had none of it) but my mother is super-supportive.  She always wanted a daughter, but thought she had all boys.

She doesn't understand the complexities and doesn't care to.  All she knows is I am "this" and she is just happy that I am happy.

[stephaniec]

Amy413     your in a good position use it to have a good life.

[Amy413]

Amy413     your in a good position use it to have a good life.

Thanks.
I'm working on that. It's interesting just the past few days I have made some internal shifts, accepting many things about myself. And the reality of my life. Time to stop putting up all the armor and just be myself. To me at least transition seems to be this gradual process of relaxing really.

I can't complain. I have a good deal.
The war is over, time to heal the damage I have done for so many years.
To myself and my relationships.

That seems to be mostly just being myself as so many have been telling me to do.

That means being Amy:)

[Tristyn]

"too accepting" is just a loose term I used.
To be honest my mom and I have had a very co-dependent relationship over the years and She has always really known. A mom just knows. Her enthusiasm was too much for me, I got scared and melted down. That's what I meant by "too accepting". I've had to distance myself for many reasons. I'll eventually connect back with her.

I tell this story to show this runs in families.
My dad is a non transitioner. He's told be of his personal confrontations with himself and his reasons not doing it.
Things were a LOT different for his generation.
I'm lucky at least that we are slowly learning how to deal with this. he and I have a good relationship and though cryptic and awkward at times, we do eventually work things out.

Yeah. I see what you meant now.

My mom had a similar reaction also. Though she sometimes forgets about me wanting to be called by another name aside from my assigned name because she has dementia now, sadly. And I feel so guilty when she tries to remember the name I wanted to be called and she will stop herself from calling me the assigned name. I know she means so well in comparison to my dad, who does not have any memory problems. Hell, he doesn't even try to refer to my nickname that I generously chose for family to refer to me as because Phoenix is so vastly different.  I will cut him off soon enough. I'm about to go to school and get my certificate as an administrator and I'm out.

Deuces, Dad! XD

[Amy413]

We have our backs and forths with parents over the years.
I have found that one of the things that drove me the most nuts was how much of EACH of them are inside me.

That is something nobody can escape. tran or not.

maybe that's why everyone on Earth is completely insane?
We are eternally reminded of our parents on one way or another.

We spend half our lives running from that truth, and the next half cleaning up the wreckage from that flight from truth. That is if we realize we have been running from the truth. The wise ones realize that sooner.

I'm still trying to pretend like I'm not related to my parents.
Families are forever. Love 'em or hate 'em. We are stuck with them.

I guess that's why half the time we try to pretend they are not there.

[Tristyn]

We have our backs and forths with parents over the years.
I have found that one of the things that drove me the most nuts was how much of EACH of them are inside me.

That is something nobody can escape. tran or not.

maybe that's why everyone on Earth is completely insane?
We are eternally reminded of our parents on one way or another.

We spend half our lives running from that truth, and the next half cleaning up the wreckage from that flight from truth. That is if we realize we have been running from the truth. The wise ones realize that sooner.

I'm still trying to pretend like I'm not related to my parents.
Families are forever. Love 'em or hate 'em. We are stuck with them.

I guess that's why half the time we try to pretend they are not there.

I agree with some of what you say...but I ain't stuck with any of my family. I will cut them all off eventually. I don't have to have anything to do with them. I am at the age of accountability and am my own adult person. I am not an infant and no longer need them. I am with my dad because of financial issues. Once I solve that by getting a job I can be free from this "hell."

I do indeed dislike my dad. I try not to say hate because that word is hard to take back even if you don't mean it. But he is a narcissist. Which means he makes the people closest to him feel like absolute mush so he can feel better about himself due to his own low self-esteem. I wonder though if he dislikes or even hates me also. I dunno.

I dislike him so much that I am not sure I ever want to grow facial hair once I start T because I looked so much like him when I painted a fake beard and 'stache on my face. I wanted to pierce the bathroom mirror with my right fist!


I get so sick to my stomach at how I have to be around him sometimes for my benefit and be kinda fake (even girly) to be able to get the things I want/need from him or from being around him just to survive. I hate that. I still have to be an actor. I don't think I will ever be 100% real until I cut everyone from my past off, change my name and gender marker on all documents, get on T, and have SRS/GRS done. -.- The Story of My Life.



-Phoenix

[Amy413]

Give it a few years. Life has a way of haunting us with things.
Karma weaves intricate webs.

[Kylo]

It only haunts you if you care.

[Tristyn]

I believe in Karma or whatever that is where life seems to take vengeance on us or hold us accountable for our past actions. That would explain why alot of unfortunate events take place in the world. Yeah.



-Phoenix

[Amy413]

There's a little more to it than that.
It's the yin & yang of everything, the interconnection, push & pull, give and take of the universe.
Things ignored or denied will nag, Only you know what you are ignoring or denying. I have no idea what, but we all have all kinds of things, not just these gender issues. We work them out over our lifetimes. And there are many overlying layers to it all on group and societal levels. All our karmas & dharmas are intertwined.

It's just how nature is. We are an integral part of nature.
And no offense intended, but nature does not care if any of us care.
Nature does what nature does. Everything is nature.

[Tristyn]

It's just how nature is. We are an integral part of nature.
And no offense intended, but nature does not care if any of us care.
Nature does what nature does. Everything is nature.

Yeah I know. This life is very pointless. We are just here. I know that and yet I care very much about people's opinions of me. I wonder why? When nothing matters at all and has no purpose.

-Phoenix

[Amy413]

I can also be buried by the feeling of hopelessness.
I was just ranting yesterday to my dad about how it's all just a circle.

All I can go on now is the faith in what others tell me.... that is NOT pointless, that there is somehow a meaning.
Not just others, but me somewhere deep inside. I have been on the edge of absolute void for ages, yet I have STILL not given up on it all. Why is that? I do not know!!! But I can FEEL whatever "that" is, the mysterious "meaning" everyone is talking about. The feeling keeps pulling me along, I don't know what it is, All I know is that thing that seems to be keeping me alive despite my feelings of absolute hopelessness.

Sometimes, you just have to keep crawling, scraping, even if your torso is half blown off, we keep F****** going, because the raw force of life itself demands we do so. Whatever this "darkness" is pulling me down.

We are furians! Those who know will recognize the name.
We don't die! We keep going.

"I'm sure God has his tricks, but getting out of places no one else can, that's one of mine."

I kind of identify with a character that idolizes the character that said that.
The Chronicles of Riddick is an amazing movie IMO, WAAAAY underrated and under-appreciated. The understory that few see is deep.

There is a scene near the end, where a surviving furian is being blasted by the intense Caldera sunrise, being blown to ashes. Yet the furian continues to maintain a form as the body dissolves.

It's inspirational to me.

Yes, life gets really, really, really sucky sometimes, but you know what?
We keep going anyway.
Man, Woman, does not matter, life is unstoppable, just look around.

The "meaning" is FAR too advanced and complex for tiny human minds to comprehend, even if we put them all together, we still couldn't comprehend what that "meaning" is. Maybe it's the immensity of it that drives life to keep seeking it's own meaning.

I don't know what to say Phoenix except keep fighting against that hopelessness, that's all I know how to do.
Sometimes I have to keep going even if I don't know why.