why can't I do this?

[RobynD]

I would not be too guilty about the breach of trust thing. Many of us don't figure this thing out until later and when we do, we are in denial first. Understanding ourselves is a life time pursuit.

[Ella~]

@RobynD: I agree. I think though that my wife will think this is something I should have confided in. Partly because its something she would feel she has the right to know as my spouse, but also because she might feel hurt that I didn't trust her enough to tell her about it long ago. My perspective is self-centered on my years in the closet. I know why I had to keep this from others and I know I had zero intentions to hurt anyone. I also know that until I was well into my thirties and long married already, I was in too much denial to label or identify what I was really going through let alone ever tell anyone about it. Others, including my wife, might not see it that way. I guess it's guilt I feel, or maybe its something else. Whatever it is I think I can make peace with it and move on if and when I manage to figure out a plan of action.



I contacted a therapist yesterday via email. That was a huge step - one I have taken for over 8 years now. I'm not sure what I want to do next with that. I'm always up for doing nothing - as this long rambling post proves. But I'm forcing myself into action mode at the moment so that's not an option for now. If I see a therapist first, it might help me get a plan together especially about coming out. But, my wife and I are close and it would be hard for me to hide the fact that I'm going to see a therapist without me hiding that and possibly lying to cover it. Obviously, more of that kind of behavior isn't good. My other option is just have the therapist lined up and then come out to my wife first then see the therapist right after that. I've also been thinking about telling someone else close to me first, but I haven't yet figured out who that could be. And, I think my wife might be hurt even more if she was the first person in my life I told. Not sure...

[Ella~]

I exchanged more emails with the therapist over the weekend. She's available to see whenever I say the word. She gave me some advice for coming out if I decide to do that first before seeing her. Her advice boiled down to being honest and to say the word I use to describe myself no later than the third sentence. And, to not appear uncertain about anything that I really am certain about.

I also spent time thinking through what I want to say to my wife and I even have a huge letter to give her after a talk.

This is the closest I've come to taking this leap. I might do it soon if my courage holds.

[Alycya]

I exchanged more emails with the therapist over the weekend. She's available to see whenever I say the word. She gave me some advice for coming out if I decide to do that first before seeing her. Her advice boiled down to being honest and to say the word I use to describe myself no later than the third sentence. And, to not appear uncertain about anything that I really am certain about.

I also spent time thinking through what I want to say to my wife and I even have a huge letter to give her after a talk.

This is the closest I've come to taking this leap. I might do it soon if my courage holds.

Hi, i'm happy to read you are trying to find effective solutions. Now i'm waiting to meet the gender therapist (i will meet her after tomorrow) - i just move "baby steps", a little step... then i regain balance and move the other one--

It's just like to walk on a razor blade but i'm pretty trustful.

Hugs
Aly

[Ella~]

So, I'm coming back after a little more than a year to add an update to this thread since I had promised myself I would use it to keep myself moving forward.

I STILL haven't told my wife yet. But, I am actually preparing to. Last week I finally went to see a gender therapist again for the first time in 10 years. I am going to meet with her again a couple of more times and then come out to my wife.

My therapist's advice is to be as honest as possible and let the conversation unfold as it will. She also thinks it's important during the initial conversations to be honest about what I want to do or think I might want to do in terms of transitioning so that I don't give my wife false hopes.

I'll admit (and I'll admit it to my wife) that I think about transitioning a lot and I've thought about it more and more as the years have rolled by. I'll also admit that it scares me and that it would probably be the hardest thing I'd ever do. But if I did it, I'm starting to think it would be worth whatever pain, hardship or loss might come from it, because in the end I'd have a chance to be whole and complete for the first time in my life.

The truth is, I'm this close to deciding that I want to transition all the way. But out of prudence, I'm also trying to decide if a handful of much smaller changes and actions could be enough to get me through. I have my doubts, but I can't make a final decision about something as huge as pursuing a complete transition until I'm sure nothing else will work.   

I went back to a reply someone made to a post I wrote 9 years ago here. I was asking if transitioning is inevitable if you know you are trans. She wrote that for some people "Transition isn't so much a decision as it is a *consequence* of seeing and accepting What Is." It's taken me a long, long time to get to the point where a sentence like this makes sense to me...

Who knows - maybe I'm already transitioning and I don't even know it. We'll see.

First step is to work a little more with the therapist so that I handle my coming out to my wife the right way. I want to be as fair, gentle, loving and supportive as I can be to her because she never asked for such a thing to hit her.

[aaajjj55]

Ella,

I read this thread with interest as the struggles you have gone through mirror my own.  I came out to my wife about my crossdressing three years ago and, to summarise, it all blew up in my face with the result that I agreed to cease all activities.  The whole thing is now a taboo subject never to be discussed but, at the time, her feelings of disgust at my 'perversion' were matched, if not exceeded, by her feelings that she had been betrayed over 2 decades of marriage.

Obviously, what didn't go away were my feelings and, if anything, they have intensified and, at this point in time, I know that I should be discussing this with my wife but lack the courage to do so for fear that it will destroy our marriage.  Whether I do continue to suffer in silence or finally pluck up the courage to talk about it again, I do not know but what I do know is that I wish that I had understood more about being transgender at the time I came out last time, specifically:

1.  In all probability, it resulted from something happening to my brain during foetal development.  It's not some dark perversion but almost certainly caused by over exposure to oestrogen in the womb
2.  When we married, my TG urges, whilst they had been present from childhood, went away and I genuinely thought that I was rid of them.
3.  Until I joined Susan's last year, I too felt that my TG urges were a perversion (and one that I was definitely not proud of) so did my best to keep them hidden

I hope that this will give you some inspiration for the talk with your wife.  We are all rooting for you and I hope that you will soon find inner peace.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Ella.  I am glad that you are making progress.

I posted in this thread last year.  Since that time, I have come out to my wife, and I am now transitioning.  My story is one of success, mostly due to my wife's character.

The fear almost got the better of me.  It took me months after I had made the decision to actually tell her.  When I did, I had to just power through the fear.  I told her that I didn't know what exactly I would do, but that (1) I did not wish to leave her and (2) that I was leaning towards transitioning.  She has stuck by me through it all, and is now a candidate for sainthood (or should be).

Regarding the 'guilt' of having been in the closet, I decided that I could not, in all honesty, own it as guilt.  That would be self-victimization.  Yes, I suspected for years that I might be trans, but at the same time I was in denial about it.  My thought process was something like: "I wonder if I am trans."  "No, I can't be; no way."  (repeat for 30 or 40 years).  Denial is a wicked process. 

I was never dishonest with my wife about it all those years.  I was telling her what I believed myself.  It was myself I was being dishonest with.  I am not proud of that, but neither do I feel guilty about it.  When she asked about why I didn't tell her sooner, that is exactly what I told her.  She has accepted it.

I tell you this as a ray of hope.  I went from being in a very similar position to you to starting my transition and starting to feeling whole for the first time in my life.  Sometimes it works out well.

May your road be as smooth.

[Ella~]

I read this thread with interest as the struggles you have gone through mirror my own.  I came out to my wife about my crossdressing three years ago and, to summarise, it all blew up in my face with the result that I agreed to cease all activities.  The whole thing is now a taboo subject never to be discussed but, at the time, her feelings of disgust at my 'perversion' were matched, if not exceeded, by her feelings that she had been betrayed over 2 decades of marriage.

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go well for you. But, you did the right thing in telling her and I admire your courage. Maybe the next time around it will go better for you because you will be armed with a better understanding of yourself and the reasons behind your crossdressing. Maybe your wife will see it in a different light because it sounds like you will be better able to frame it more properly in the context of being transgender. To whatever degree she understands and accepts what being transgender means she might be able to let go of the idea that crossdressing is perverted. She might even begin to see shy you feel compelled to do it. But who knows, wives are people and they are entitled to think, feel and react however they see fit when we reveal things like this to them. It's the unknowable response that I personally fear about telling my wife but I know it's a fear that I have to get past. Maybe you will too if and when you reach a point where you feel you can't keep going as you are. Thanks for the reply and best of luck to you.

The fear almost got the better of me.  It took me months after I had made the decision to actually tell her.  When I did, I had to just power through the fear.  I told her that I didn't know what exactly I would do, but that (1) I did not wish to leave her and (2) that I was leaning towards transitioning.  She has stuck by me through it all, and is now a candidate for sainthood (or should be).

I am very happy for you. And, stories like this give hope to people like me who have been stuck by fear and unable to take the leap to come out. Also, the points you made in coming out to your wife sound close to what I am planning to tell my wife. It sounds honest in the way my therapist advised me to be.

Regarding the 'guilt' of having been in the closet, I decided that I could not, in all honesty, own it as guilt.  That would be self-victimization.  Yes, I suspected for years that I might be trans, but at the same time I was in denial about it.  My thought process was something like: "I wonder if I am trans."  "No, I can't be; no way."  (repeat for 30 or 40 years).  Denial is a wicked process.

I was never dishonest with my wife about it all those years.  I was telling her what I believed myself.  It was myself I was being dishonest with.  I am not proud of that, but neither do I feel guilty about it.  When she asked about why I didn't tell her sooner, that is exactly what I told her.  She has accepted it.

One thing I have worked hard on over the last year since I started this post was to try to get rid of as much of the feelings of guilt and shame that can. I think I've come a long way with that and am generally much more gentle with myself about who I am and the way I've handled myself over the years. I'm not proud of lying, hiding etc., but I had my reasons and certain logic and certain times that might not have been dependable, but it kept me going while I figured all of this out. I can't undo the past but I can affect the future. I don't have time to beat myself up anymore. It sounds like you arrived at a similar place at some point before coming out to your wife and I bet that was one of the keys to your getting the courage to do it.

I tell you this as a ray of hope.  I went from being in a very similar position to you to starting my transition and starting to feeling whole for the first time in my life.  Sometimes it works out well.

Ray of light accepted! I have no delusions that everything will be perfect with my wife after I come out. It could go well, it could be a disaster or it could be anything in between. I can't let the fact that there are possible bad outcomes within the range of possibilities prevent me from doing this. I owe it to myself and I owe it to my wife and I know that. Thanks for replying.