General talk about personal journeys

[Tasha_]

So, since it was brought to my attention that we were hijacking a thread, I decided to open this one so anyone can openly talk about journeys through transition, where ever we are going, and not be taking away from someone else's space.

[amberwaves]

Was just about to start this, but you beat me to it.  Also, a shout out to all the 30 somethings who are starting this process.

[Tasha_]

Agreed, I don't know about all of you, but I feel proud and accomplished every little step I take. Mostly because we are basically set in life, with a family, and all of a sudden we have to tell our friends and family that we are not exactly who we say we are... I think it takes a lot of courage!!!

[amberwaves]

You mentioned in the other thread conversation the concept of what would we call you.  We haven't discussed that too much.  I'm not particularly hung up on pronouns and titles.  My wife and I rarely refer to each other by name, usually things like honey, etc.  I know my children will still know me as dad, even if I stop being/looking like other dads.  I will still think of myself as husband.  What other people call me/us is mostly their problem.  We will figure it all out as we move forward.  Eventually my male name will be more and more replaced by Amber.  Still too early in the process to make many firm decisions.

[confusedlauren]

Same here. Actually imagining yesterday what would be the reaction of each individual people we know was interesting... and made us special in a way.

I'm very much looking forward to doing this in fact.

[amberwaves]

I'm very much looking forward to doing this in fact.

I'm glad that I am not the only one looking forward to this life.  It's so hard not to get bogged down hearing some of the horror stories, doubts, and regrets of others.  I know this path will not be the easiest, but I seem to always have taken the unconventional path anyway.  I do find myself having to limit my actions and put the brakes on things for the courtesy of my wife and others.  Once I make a decision I tend to be all in on things.   

[confusedlauren]

I'm glad that I am not the only one looking forward to this life.  It's so hard not to get bogged down hearing some of the horror stories, doubts, and regrets of others.  I know this path will not be the easiest, but I seem to always have taken the unconventional path anyway.  I do find myself having to limit my actions and put the brakes on things for the courtesy of my wife and others.  Once I make a decision I tend to be all in on things.

All the horror stories are part of the reasons why I'm talking about what's happening here. I want others in my situation to read what happened to me. At least for the initial part. I don't know what the rest will be, but at least, the original reaction is pretty positive, and that might help some folks later.

[Tasha_]

Sorry all, I forgot to add to my watch list.... But I agree, I will always be dad, my wife and I both call each other baby, I think that I am going to pretty fluid all in all, so my real name is pretty unisex, so that may or may not change depending on family-friend reactions... I think though that my wife will have to help me with my fem name so I don't get recognized by customers or bigots that know me.... But considering the nature of this site, Tasha and she her is probably the most appropriate. I told my wife she can call me her husband even when "in-fem", but she said she would like to call me wife, and it kind of made me happy, so we'll go with it.

I really have to say, that I have been so happy and feel so connected to you all that I feel like I am making friends here. Thank you so much... So, are we girlfriends then? It so weird to think that, but that is what it feels like.... Right? If pronouns are important to you, let me know and I may need reminders as sometimes I forget who likes what.... I will not be offended either way, so don't worry about that.

I apologize to Lauren if I came across... Pessimistic about your SO on your opening thread, I have heard some horror stories and was worried about you. I would hate for you to either repress or stress of losing your kids... I know that I got  wet lucky with my wife being the way she is, and I know that it can be rare. I am glad you found one of them too, and I was excited to hear that you get to keep your love and your life throughout your transition.

It is wonderful to have a group of friends (I think) going through something so similar, and having positive experiences.

On another note, would any of you object if my wife joined and got I  on some of our threads? She expressed she would like to and if you are comfortable with it, I think it would be good for her to talk about this stuff with more than me....

So, ya, there was another perfect example of word vomit.... Thanks for being here!!!

[Tasha_]

And, aren't we missing someone on this thread?

[amberwaves]

Yay I always wanted to have girlfriends!  I've never really had terribly many female friends.  I too feel very connected to you girls as we go through this together.  We are all at the beginning of this and it seems like we will end at different places, but it's so nice to have people to talk to about both the good and the bad parts of it. 

I have my wife read some of the posts on occasion.  She usually gives me a rather sardonic look at how girly I speak on here.  She is still adjusting to that because she has rarely seen that side of me.  I am typically very reserved and rational (when I'm not being humorous).  I have no objections if your wife wants to join in on the fun.  I would love to hear her opinion.  Plus they have a significant others subforum so she can talk to others going through it on that side of things.

We need to get Sarah into this thread too.  Of course, all are welcome.  The more the merrier.

[Tasha_]

Sweet! I told her about the SO threads, but I was telling her how much I am connecting with you girls in particular and she said she would like to join in our conversations.... Of course, sometimes she feels like things are moving too fast though, so I won't invite her to EVERY conversation.... Because I tell her how much I want to slow down to keep her comfortable, I don't want her to take anything I say the wrong way...  I really AM slowing it down to give her time to process each step.... But she will be glad to hear that she is welcome in this particular thread with us!! Thank you for being open to my wife as well!!!

Tasha

[confusedlauren]

I apologize to Lauren if I came across... Pessimistic about your SO on your opening thread, I have heard some horror stories and was worried about you. I would hate for you to either repress or stress of losing your kids... I know that I got  wet lucky with my wife being the way she is, and I know that it can be rare. I am glad you found one of them too, and I was excited to hear that you get to keep your love and your life throughout your transition.

Thanks, no worries at all, I understand where you're coming from.
It's progressing well btw, I updated the thread a few minutes ago with some good news

It is wonderful to have a group of friends (I think) going through something so similar, and having positive experiences.

Yep, seems like we all got born too soon, I feel things would have been much easier had I had the internet when those feeling started...

On another note, would any of you object if my wife joined and got I  on some of our threads? She expressed she would like to and if you are comfortable with it, I think it would be good for her to talk about this stuff with more than me....

No worries for me Bring her in!

[Tasha_]

Yay!! She's gonna be excited... And now I shall go read the good news!!!

[amberwaves]

Yep, seems like we all got born too soon, I feel things would have been much easier had I had the internet when those feeling started...

I flip flop on feeling that way.  True it would have saved me some grief to know, but also I know it wouldn't have changed things much had I know early.  Also, I would never have gotten together with my BFF wife and had our beautiful children.  I try not to dwell on the past with my gender.  I spend far too long doing that for the other parts of my horrendous upbringing.

[Kylo]

Agreed, I don't know about all of you, but I feel proud and accomplished every little step I take. Mostly because we are basically set in life, with a family, and all of a sudden we have to tell our friends and family that we are not exactly who we say we are... I think it takes a lot of courage!!!

Honestly I could never get that set in life. Never got married, never had kids... being trans blocked me from doing almost any of it. Literally could not enter that mode as the idea is just a black hole to me - I know almost nothing about what it is to live that normal life (or even to want it). I remember even as a young kid saying to myself I wasn't going to have a normal life, I'm not like the rest of you... (to my family) and them of course not knowing anything about it laughing it off and saying of course I would. And quite a few years later, my little kiddy self was perfectly right. About the only normal thing I've managed to do is hold down a job and keep a partner in my life. Everything else has been like sand, slipping through the hands.

I'm skeptical about transition even though I want it. I know who I am already so it doesn't seem very exciting or a self-discovery. It seems like a long and painful chore ahead. And given that not much else was possible in terms of "normal life" I'm in the habit of expecting something to come up to prevent me transitioning anyway so it'll all be some huge, ridiculous anti-climax. I'd like to feel positive about it but let's face it, once you're old enough to know you're not easily surprised by anything, well... I'm not expecting to be surprised by the results. Just feels like spinning wheels for the moment, since the NHS is so incredibly slow at treating people for this.

The more I think about it the more I feel this isn't really a journey for me, so much as a realization of just how awfully jaded this thing has made me.

[amberwaves]

Honestly I could never get that set in life. Never got married, never had kids... being trans blocked me from doing almost any of it. Literally could not enter that mode as the idea is just a black hole to me - I know almost nothing about what it is to live that normal life (or even to want it). I remember even as a young kid saying to myself I wasn't going to have a normal life, I'm not like the rest of you... (to my family) and them of course not knowing anything about it laughing it off and saying of course I would. And quite a few years later, my little kiddy self was perfectly right. About the only normal thing I've managed to do is hold down a job and keep a partner in my life. Everything else has been like sand, slipping through the hands.

I'm skeptical about transition even though I want it. I know who I am already so it doesn't seem very exciting or a self-discovery. It seems like a long and painful chore ahead. And given that not much else was possible in terms of "normal life" I'm in the habit of expecting something to come up to prevent me transitioning anyway so it'll all be some huge, ridiculous anti-climax. I'd like to feel positive about it but let's face it, once you're old enough to know you're not easily surprised by anything, well... I'm not expecting to be surprised by the results. Just feels like spinning wheels for the moment, since the NHS is so incredibly slow at treating people for this.

The more I think about it the more I feel this isn't really a journey for me, so much as a realization of just how awfully jaded this thing has made me.

I am so sorry to hear that.  If it makes you feel better I would hardly say I've got anything resembling set in life.  Much of it has been happy accidents or occasional luck as I stumble through things.  I always believed that I would die alone and miserable.  I almost made that a self fulfilling prophecy on multiple occasions.  I travelled half way around the world looking for love and acceptance only to find it one town over from where I began.  I made terrible decisions in life and lamented how I failed at most everything. 

I never wanted kids.  I was a broken child from a terrible home and did not want to bring a child in knowing that I could screw them up the way I was.  She wanted kids and I did it for her.  I spent the first two years of my eldest daughters life avoiding her and everyone because I would not be around her when I was in a foul mood, which was constantly.  I figured it was better she grow with an absentee father than a rage machine.  Shortly after our second daughter was born I checked myself into an inpatient psychiatric facility.  It helped.  It didn't solve the underlying problems but it did allow me to move forward with life.

The house was luck.  My sister was moving and We needed a house so we lucked out.  My terrible decision of joining the service paid dividends because I could get a VA loan and actually afford to buy it.  Its a nice house and near her family (which is a big deal for her).  My family can go eff themselves for all we are concerned.  It's a mixed blessing though because it is in the middle of nowhere and I have almost no job prospects in my chosen field.  I would be rather be living somewhere near a city for the opportunity.

Transitioning, for me, is something that is allowing me to leave the broken, bitter, angry man I was behind.  Even my wife has noted that since this discovery and acceptance that I have become a happier person and a better father.  I'm still not there yet, but every step seems to make me better.  I truly am sad that you view it more as a chore, but everyone's circumstances and outlooks are unique.  Also, it saddens me to hear how long the wait times are in the U.K.  there are so many people suffering because of bureaucracy.  I hope things improve for you. 

[cindianna_jones]

I think we all have horror stories. I've had my share to be sure. They come along every once in a while. But then there is the rest of life. And somehow, we always manage to get through the tough times and relish the good ones.

I like friends too.

Cindi

[Kylo]

I am so sorry to hear that.  If it makes you feel better I would hardly say I've got anything resembling set in life.  Much of it has been happy accidents or occasional luck as I stumble through things.  I always believed that I would die alone and miserable.  I almost made that a self fulfilling prophecy on multiple occasions.  I travelled half way around the world looking for love and acceptance only to find it one town over from where I began.  I made terrible decisions in life and lamented how I failed at most everything. 

I never wanted kids.  I was a broken child from a terrible home and did not want to bring a child in knowing that I could screw them up the way I was.  She wanted kids and I did it for her.  I spent the first two years of my eldest daughters life avoiding her and everyone because I would not be around her when I was in a foul mood, which was constantly.  I figured it was better she grow with an absentee father than a rage machine.  Shortly after our second daughter was born I checked myself into an inpatient psychiatric facility.  It helped.  It didn't solve the underlying problems but it did allow me to move forward with life.

The house was luck.  My sister was moving and We needed a house so we lucked out.  My terrible decision of joining the service paid dividends because I could get a VA loan and actually afford to buy it.  Its a nice house and near her family (which is a big deal for her).  My family can go eff themselves for all we are concerned.  It's a mixed blessing though because it is in the middle of nowhere and I have almost no job prospects in my chosen field.  I would be rather be living somewhere near a city for the opportunity.

Transitioning, for me, is something that is allowing me to leave the broken, bitter, angry man I was behind.  Even my wife has noted that since this discovery and acceptance that I have become a happier person and a better father.  I'm still not there yet, but every step seems to make me better.  I truly am sad that you view it more as a chore, but everyone's circumstances and outlooks are unique.  Also, it saddens me to hear how long the wait times are in the U.K.  there are so many people suffering because of bureaucracy.  I hope things improve for you.

I appreciate it.

It is really a chore when I think about it; my partner doesn't want me to do it really, but is resigned... but I'm hoping to do it anyway which does leave some feelings of guilt; It involves telling some therapist all about why my life is as truncated as my junk, speaking to doctors about it all of whom you have wonder if they're laughing behind your back. Then I'll have to see if T works properly or doesn't in my body; then I'll have to get pieces hacked off and I'm really not comfortable with going under the knife. And then after all that... who knows. The results might just be laughable. Might get attacked and will almost certainly have people saying crap behind my back in the place I live (it's a small village). It's hard to get psyched about any of it.

Honestly the only thing keeping me doing it is wondering if the hormones themselves will change my perception for the better. That's about it.

I'm glad it works out for a lot of people and makes their lives better. Some of us are just born a bit too broken, I guess.

[Tasha_]

When I said set in life, I was talking to a few individuals in particular. I guess I may have been using poor language, because what I meant was that we had all decided to live a certain way, and built our lives around that. Deciding to stop repressing a part of yourself at 35 hears old and for those I was speaking to, basically becoming a teenage girl, and having to start all over again figuring out who you are.

No offense to anyone, and not trying to change the subject, I just thought my statement needed clarification.

I am also sorry to hear about how hard of a time some of the you have had, and the fear/anxiety that has to come along with it. I do not want to sound like I am making light of anybody's feelings.

[Tasha_]

So, update.... I finally ordered some breast forms and a wig, so soon will be shaving off my face to see how I look with it all on. I am excited and nervous as hell.... Even though my wife has been so supportive, it sometimes feels, where I guess, to take some of the steps. Thank you all for your support, and good luck to those who don't have enough... That's what we are here for, so stick around and ask for help if you need more support!!