Lost

[Olivia86]

Hello

I honestly don't know where to start. I tried using the search option to read other peoples experiences with this question. Do I really identify as female, did nature add the wrong ingredient to the mix, or am I just losing it. All the information I have researched so far has been confusing to say the least and rightly so because its a unique experience for everyone.

I have spent the last week reflecting on my past to answer this question. Growing up I watched a lot of girl shows. For example, I loved watching Sailor moon, Buffy the vampire slayer, Angel, Clarissa explains it all, the secret world of Alex Mack, Sabrina the teenage witch, ghostwriter, boy meets world, Daria to name a few. I also have all the step up movies because I love the choreography especially the females, as well as watched stick it several times (x20 times) and being kind of jealous they could do those things. I secretly with a low volume listen to paramore, Kelly Clarkson, Nelly furtato I especially love the song "I'm like a bird". Behavior wise I like sitting down to do my business and I hate urinals. I often sit with one leg and have been caught sitting crossed legged like a lady. I feel like do a lot of feminine facial expressions too. How do I feel about my body? well I have been wearing satin string bikini panties for a while now to sleep and recently to work and everyday things and wish I would wake up with no bump. I hate morning wood, I hate having to stay seated longer for no reason because it just decided to get up. I hate my stomach hair always getting caught by my pants or belt and I hate my chest hair. I have tried to grow out my beard and can't get past a certain length because it starts stabbing my lips and so I trim it because it hurt so much and irritates even the skin on the sides of my mouth. I hate shaving my face. Looking at hairstyle and planning out this possible future for me I actually smiled and giggled in my head when I found a hair style I like to do when I grew out my hair. I have a lot going on in my life at the moment and have been having a ->-bleeped-<-ty 2016 so far but reflecting on past and seeing that I might be in the wrong body has calmed me down some what I feel less stressed out.

From what I have gathered on the internet the process takes anywhere from 1.5 years to 3 years for the most part and I'm ok with that.

Before I even start speaking to a therapist I want to first grow my hair out, continue to shave the hair I hate so much, continue wearing panties everywhere I go. Is this a good plan or should I start with a therapist? Also is it better to come out to a parent or to a sibling. The reason I ask is because my mom hated me going to donate plasma and my sister always wanted a little sister. I used to say I would only do this if it came with the ability to have babies but now if they offered to help me transition right now I would do it in a heart beat. I am tired of feeling this way and I want to have a happier life and if that means giving up the ability to reproduce I'm perfectly happy with that choice.

   

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I transitioned 33 years ago and there can be a happy life after surgery. Getting there can be a task. I would suggest that you think about therapy with the goal of starting HRT. You should also consider removing facial/body hair now as at some stage you will need to have 3 days growth for removal. Take it from me, it's hard to pass with a three day old beard. In the mean time you can also grow your hair , work with makeup and accumulate a wardrobe. Somewhere you will want to go in public part time which will evolve to full time. A time line of 1.5 years is possible but that is pushing hard and fast. I suspect 2 years will be more like it and you might decide on even more time.

You are not losing it. We were born this way because a lack of male hormones failed to masculinize our brains before we were born. You have always been feminine but you may have done a good job of hiding it from yourself .  The only treatment is for you to define the life that you feel comfortable in.

Feel free to ask me any questions you might have and I will do my best to answer them.

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[Cindy]

Hi Olivia,

Welcome honey.

Yep most of us have felt like that! I suggest seeing a therapist ASAP and while waiting start laser or electrolysis. Laser works well if you have dark hair and light colour skin and is quicker and cheaper than electrolysis.

Many cismales get laser and the clinics are totally use to transgender people as well.

Any good therapist doesn't care how you present, they want to help you make your mind up and guide you through your thoughts. A judgemental therapist is a bad therapist.

As for body hair you can wax, use Veet or another hair remover product - make sure to follow the instructions.

Many people feel weird getting rid of their body hair as it will 'out' them. I remind them to check out the big burly wrestlers on the TV - none of them have body hair! They wax it off because it defines their muscles better.

It also feels lovely!

You will find a lot of info here and most of us have had the same problems when we began. There are also many women here who have completed their journey (me included) who began with the same fears.

It seems very scary, but to be honest, its isn't for most of us.

Time lines are hard to judge. I started five years ago. I'm finished, I'm just a very ordinary woman nowadays; well OK I'll say it, I'm extraordinary, as are all the transgender people on the site - because we are very special and wonderful. As you are young lady.

Cindy

[suzifrommd]

Before I even start speaking to a therapist I want to first grow my hair out, continue to shave the hair I hate so much, continue wearing panties everywhere I go. Is this a good plan or should I start with a therapist?

Some people find gender therapists very helpful. Others (myself included) are able to transition perfectly well without one. You're probably the only one who will know for sure.

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you find the answers you're looking for. I did.

[Olivia86]

Thank you ladies for the replies. I will check the link provided out later today. After watching some more videos and reading other girls experiences. I do have to wait on therapy until I have atleast hair past my ears because from what I gathered genes play a big role in how you will develope everything and from what I could remember my sister bloomed pretty fast. Also from what I saw people were almost immediately placed on HRT a week after meeting the therapist. It's not always the case for everyone I know but when I make changes like these I like to plan for just incase. I really underestimated how powerful these hormones are. I was very pleased with how all the girls transitioned in the videos. I might have started to lose weight too early from the looks of my shaved chest and and stomach. If I didn't look at the mirror when lifting my shirt I would have sworn I was already there my bump is quickly going away. So that brings me to dieting, should I lose weight because when I last got weighed I came in at 158 lbs and atm I look like I lost a lot of weight I almost have like an hourglass figure. I don't want to risk not having enough fat for the hormones to do there thing but I also read that it's very difficult to manage your weight on HRT. One last thing before I go did I luck out by living in california? I have health insurance through the VA but I checked to see if they help with transitioning and they do not and so I was researching other insurances and I came across an article that from what I can understand is that the ACA prevents any insurance in this state from excluding procedures needed to transition. I'm hoping I understood correctly.

[Dena]

HRT moves pretty slow. I suspect you will have 6 to 9 months before much difference is noticed unless you already appear pretty feminine. The important thing is to start controlling the facial hair unless you want to try passing with 3 days growth.  Losing weight while on HRT is a bit more difficult because your burn rate may slow but it's not impossible. As long as you move around and are careful about what you eat, you should have no more trouble controlling your weight than a CIS female.

As for insurance, always read your policy before you sign on the dotted line. Even in a state that has treatment requirements, it's possible to get a policy with restrictions. I always had to take what the company offered so I ended up with a HMO that didn't cover the doctors I needed to see. Thus my medical care in California was paid out of pocket. It was cheaper doing that than taking out a second policy.

[Tessa James]

Thank you ladies for the replies. I will check the link provided out later today. After watching some more videos and reading other girls experiences. I do have to wait on therapy until I have atleast hair past my ears because from what I gathered genes play a big role in how you will develope everything and from what I could remember my sister bloomed pretty fast. Also from what I saw people were almost immediately placed on HRT a week after meeting the therapist. It's not always the case for everyone I know but when I make changes like these I like to plan for just incase. I really underestimated how powerful these hormones are. I was very pleased with how all the girls transitioned in the videos. I might have started to lose weight too early from the looks of my shaved chest and and stomach. If I didn't look at the mirror when lifting my shirt I would have sworn I was already there my bump is quickly going away. So that brings me to dieting, should I lose weight because when I last got weighed I came in at 158 lbs and atm I look like I lost a lot of weight I almost have like an hourglass figure. I don't want to risk not having enough fat for the hormones to do there thing but I also read that it's very difficult to manage your weight on HRT. One last thing before I go did I luck out by living in california? I have health insurance through the VA but I checked to see if they help with transitioning and they do not and so I was researching other insurances and I came across an article that from what I can understand is that the ACA prevents any insurance in this state from excluding procedures needed to transition. I'm hoping I understood correctly.

Welcome aboard Olivia,

Heavy stuff and quite a journey ahead for you.  We are such original issue snowflakes and I hope you don't feel the need to move toward the standard issue stereotypes.  I too have seen some you tube miracle transition videos.  We are fond of noting that "your milage may vary" (YMMV) as a way of accepting that there are enough variables among individuals to have variable results with transition.  I once felt the classic narrative of being a woman in a man's body didn't fit and therefore I was not transgender.  I now see and feel humanity with a broad spectrum of identities rather than the polar ends of a binary system.  We are more than male, female or good and bad.

You described some behavior but perhaps it comes down to who you are and only you can fully validate that one.  You are in one of the best states, with insurance providers in California required to provide transition related care.  Check with your local rep about the details tho.  I am hearing of wait times of over a year for surgery.  Best of luck with your journey.

[Olivia86]

HRT moves pretty slow. I suspect you will have 6 to 9 months before much difference is noticed unless you already appear pretty feminine. The important thing is to start controlling the facial hair unless you want to try passing with 3 days growth.  Losing weight while on HRT is a bit more difficult because your burn rate may slow but it's not impossible. As long as you move around and are careful about what you eat, you should have no more trouble controlling your weight than a CIS female.

As for insurance, always read your policy before you sign on the dotted line. Even in a state that has treatment requirements, it's possible to get a policy with restrictions. I always had to take what the company offered so I ended up with a HMO that didn't cover the doctors I needed to see. Thus my medical care in California was paid out of pocket. It was cheaper doing that than taking out a second policy.

Yes I saw that 9 or 10 month mark is where it blooms. If I do start developing earlier though I saw 2 people bandage there chest because it became noticeable very early on like at the 2-3 month mark. Doesn't that hurt your growth?

[Olivia86]

Welcome aboard Olivia,

Heavy stuff and quite a journey ahead for you.  We are such original issue snowflakes and I hope you don't feel the need to move toward the standard issue stereotypes.  I too have seen some you tube miracle transition videos.  We are fond of noting that "your milage may vary" (YMMV) as a way of accepting that there are enough variables among individuals to have variable results with transition.  I once felt the classic narrative of being a woman in a man's body didn't fit and therefore I was not transgender.  I now see and feel humanity with a broad spectrum of identities rather than the polar ends of a binary system.  We are more than male, female or good and bad.

You described some behavior but perhaps it comes down to who you are and only you can fully validate that one.  You are in one of the best states, with insurance providers in California required to provide transition related care.  Check with your local rep about the details tho.  I am hearing of wait times of over a year for surgery.  Best of luck with your journey.

Well I've only dated two girls when I was 15-17 and even then I felt awkward but I did it because that was what I was suppose to be doing at my age as a guy. I haven't dated since then and I'm now 30 years old. I have to constantly check how I stand, react, respond, what I watch to make sure it isn't too girly for me. I can't even sing to any song without people in my family questioning my gender. I've flip flopped several times already and it seems like the urge gets stronger every time. Like this time it actually mattered more the color and print the panties I ordered were and even did research on what size I should be getting for each brand. I'm sick of having to hide who I am, I'm sad my father passed away but I can't disappoint him anymore. He was very upset when I pierced my ears (almost as upset as when my sister got pregnant at 15), and so I only had them for a year before I didn't use earings again. I loved those earrings too they were clear lime green lego pieces that lit up when the light hit them. Not to mention my mood went from sad to happy when I came to the realization that I might indeed be trapped in this body. It would explain a lot of my past. One last thing is one therapist diagnoses isn't concrete? Because OCD came up researching what I was and the definition didn't quite align with what I'm going through. If it was I would have never made an account on here and have left this alone.

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's.

I recommend going to a therapist. When you start HRT is up to you and you do not have to start before you are ready. You could start with low dose HRT.

Facial hair removal is very important, start now.

Your hair will get softer on HRT ( my hair is super soft now and I love that) and you can go a while before you will have enough changes to be noticed.

[Dena]

Yes I saw that 9 or 10 month mark is where it blooms. If I do start developing earlier though I saw 2 people bandage there chest because it became noticeable very early on like at the 2-3 month mark. Doesn't that hurt your growth?

Binding isn't recommended when you are growing but unless you have moobs, you should be able to go a while before they become noticeable. I went about 3 years before going full time and even now, I don't show all that much when I go without a bra. You can start on the blockers and low dose which will slow the process down but won't fully stop it. Lose shirts go a long way toward concealing the growth and a overside sweat shirt will cover much.

[Tessa James]

Well I've only dated two girls when I was 15-17 and even then I felt awkward but I did it because that was what I was suppose to be doing at my age as a guy. I haven't dated since then and I'm now 30 years old. I have to constantly check how I stand, react, respond, what I watch to make sure it isn't too girly for me. I can't even sing to any song without people in my family questioning my gender. I've flip flopped several times already and it seems like the urge gets stronger every time. Like this time it actually mattered more the color and print the panties I ordered were and even did research on what size I should be getting for each brand. I'm sick of having to hide who I am, I'm sad my father passed away but I can't disappoint him anymore. He was very upset when I pierced my ears (almost as upset as when my sister got pregnant at 15), and so I only had them for a year before I didn't use earings again. I loved those earrings too they were clear lime green lego pieces that lit up when the light hit them. Not to mention my mood went from sad to happy when I came to the realization that I might indeed be trapped in this body. It would explain a lot of my past. One last thing is one therapist diagnoses isn't concrete? Because OCD came up researching what I was and the definition didn't quite align with what I'm going through. If it was I would have never made an account on here and have left this alone.

We can certainly appreciate the feelings of doing what has been expected of us and then being sick of hiding who we are.  A conundrum we are too familiar with.  I didn't come out till after my father passed too and, while not proud of that, it is final enough.  It took me decades to get sick enough to change direction and transition.  The "trapped in this body" metaphor does work for many people, OCD or not.  Many of us here had have checkered experiences with therapists and while some are great others can waste your time and and financial resources.  Yes, I agree in that just being here suggests more than a questioning mind and this question is rarely, if ever, a persistent part of a cisgender persons life.  Being transgender is an imperfect lens for looking backward at our history.  It may help us and others make sense of the past and may also bring up some questions of "why?" that may be unanswerable.  I hope you will recapture that feeling of loving your look with those earrings and applying that to full time loving to be simply you.

[SueNZ]

Well I've only dated two girls when I was 15-17 and even then I felt awkward but I did it because that was what I was suppose to be doing at my age as a guy. I haven't dated since then and I'm now 30 years old. I have to constantly check how I stand, react, respond, what I watch to make sure it isn't too girly for me. I can't even sing to any song without people in my family questioning my gender. I've flip flopped several times already and it seems like the urge gets stronger every time. Like this time it actually mattered more the color and print the panties I ordered were and even did research on what size I should be getting for each brand. I'm sick of having to hide who I am, I'm sad my father passed away but I can't disappoint him anymore. He was very upset when I pierced my ears (almost as upset as when my sister got pregnant at 15), and so I only had them for a year before I didn't use earings again. I loved those earrings too they were clear lime green lego pieces that lit up when the light hit them. Not to mention my mood went from sad to happy when I came to the realization that I might indeed be trapped in this body. It would explain a lot of my past. One last thing is one therapist diagnoses isn't concrete? Because OCD came up researching what I was and the definition didn't quite align with what I'm going through. If it was I would have never made an account on here and have left this alone.

Hi Olivia,
I have found there is no right or wrong time to let the right person know who you really think you are.
I have only told my wife, 1 friend and my youngest son but my wife has told 3 friends and our eldest son without asking me if it would be OK.

No time is ever easy no matter who, where or what you are. I do know that once I told the most important person (my wife) then life has started falling into place.

At counselling last night I made sure to remind my wife and the counsellor that I still don't know who I really am and that I do know I will draw the line at HRT or any surgery but I will still be experimenting with things to see where I fit in. The counselling is more for marriage but the Cross Dressing and my not knowing where I'm going is a large part of our problems.

Learning to look in the mirror and like who you see is by far the biggest factor. If you like who you see then look to matching who you feel like to who you want to be with your desires.

Your biggest step is figuring out who you would find the best person to confide in first. Could be a counsellor or you Mum or a Sibling. Sometimes someone with no knowledge of you is the easiest as there is no judgemental response.
Once I came out to my wife and started this path properly I have been a much better person to live with.

I hope you find a way to express who you are.

[Olivia86]

Hi Olivia,
I have found there is no right or wrong time to let the right person know who you really think you are.
I have only told my wife, 1 friend and my youngest son but my wife has told 3 friends and our eldest son without asking me if it would be OK.

No time is ever easy no matter who, where or what you are. I do know that once I told the most important person (my wife) then life has started falling into place.

At counselling last night I made sure to remind my wife and the counsellor that I still don't know who I really am and that I do know I will draw the line at HRT or any surgery but I will still be experimenting with things to see where I fit in. The counselling is more for marriage but the Cross Dressing and my not knowing where I'm going is a large part of our problems.

Learning to look in the mirror and like who you see is by far the biggest factor. If you like who you see then look to matching who you feel like to who you want to be with your desires.

Your biggest step is figuring out who you would find the best person to confide in first. Could be a counsellor or you Mum or a Sibling. Sometimes someone with no knowledge of you is the easiest as there is no judgemental response.
Once I came out to my wife and started this path properly I have been a much better person to live with.

I hope you find a way to express who you are.

Thanks for the replies unfortunately I did an experiment with my sister and the results are I might have to just see a therapist first before anything and even then I might not come out until it's too late. Its very difficult to explain anything to my mom and I wanted to come out to my sister because she works at a fertility clinic so I thought maybe she would understand but nope. So for now I'm doing this alone especially with how I freaked out just asking my sister the question to feel her out.

[stephaniec]

I'M one of the ones that love therapy

[Olivia86]

I'm having issues looking up information on if the VA can do the therapy and hormones but I only found out that they do hormones but nothing on the therapy which I need right now. I thought I was going to be able to wait to grow my hair out but after finding out this big secret about myself and reading about suicide rates for us I don't exactly trust my anxiety. So far I completely stopped using boxers to work because it does seem like I'm in a bad mood at work when I don't wear panties alone and I'm going to be ordering a wig friday . I watched the video series I found on here and it gave me those suggestions and my focus at work has improved. I also never thought that playing female avatars in a video game would be a sign of this and thats like 90% of what I play I even paid to change some male characters into female characters.

[Olivia86]

I'M one of the ones that love therapy

Oh I'm happy you replied to me . Does the VA do this type therapy for us?

[Tessa James]

The VA does provide counseling to transgender people in my rural area of Oregon as well as in the Metro area of Portland.
There is a bureaucratic process but worth your time if the service and people are available where you are.

[Olivia86]

Thanks for the reply Tessa I just got off the phone with the VA crisis line and they are going to give me a call back on Monday to see if they can get me a referral to see a therapist. I called earlier and they wanted me to go to the emergency room.... to get evaluated. I didn't want to tie up the emergency room with something so minor compared to a broken arm or someone puking blood so I went with the live chat and they ended up calling me to set that up for Monday.