I've just told my wife of 20+ years... And now what?

[Claire]

I think I handled it pretty well, introducing things gently.
I told her about gender confusion while a little, how high school was hard, college harder and once I moved to NYC for grad school it was even harder. I told her about how I purged everything and attempted to lock the door on this in my early thirties.
Now, last May, nearly 30 years later (I'm going to be 62 in April) with my therapist this door has been flung open and I need to figure out what I want and what I need with this and my life in general. I explained how we are all on this continuous gender scale and it is black and white for no one.
I told her I need to experiment to see where I belong. I told her I've bought some clothing and that there was something remarkably calming about wearing them.
She was actually very supportive and asked questions. I answered as best as possible. She told me a number of times how she could not imagine how I've lived with this my whole life. She asked if I felt I'm I woman and I said I'm not sure how I feel. I told here I have never felt like a man but am not sure what it means to feel like a woman.
This went well... however I didn't explain that I felt I was farther down the gender scale than I thought. I didn't tell her that I feel sure that as I experiment, I fully expect I will move even farther down the scale towards womanhood. That I want to remove my beard. That I've been wanting to start hormones even though I'm scared. I haven't told her that this past Friday I went into the city dressed to see my therapist. (No makeup. I couldn't pass. Jeans, a top, underwear under a winter coat. No one would have thought anything but that was the first time out in the world that way)
She hasn't seen me in any of the clothing. Just a pair of women's Keds. I thought I should introduce things slowly so as not to freak her out, but since telling her I haven't gotten calmer, this dysphoria if anything has ramped up. I'm closer to crying all the time than I ever and I wouldn't have believed it possible.
I'm not sure what if anything I am asking you all for but I guess I just want some support since there' very few I can turn to.



Claire (née Dori)

[Dena]

You have taken the first huge step that you haven't been able to do for many years. You also told your wife what you knew to be true and the parts you are still questioning can wait for now. Let your wife think about it for a short time and then she if she is willing to see your therapist, bring her so she can say the things she may be uncomfortable saying to you. Coming out isn't one discussion and it may cover many days until both of you come to a new understanding about your relationship.

Things have gone about as well as can be expected and I hope  they get even better for you.

[Claire]

Thank you. My therapist did advise me that our feelings will most definitely change over time and probably swing back and forth. After telling her, I realized I was hoping that would be enough and I could just reside in that spot. I can't believe how wrong I was and it went just about as well as it could have.


Claire (née Dori)

[JoanneB]

They WILL change, they will swing, they will tend to congeal. Rinse, lather, repeat. Something I found was good to embrace and make sure my wife understood. "I don't know" or "I can't really answer for sure" are valid answers at this time. What you feel you may want today may not be tomorrow's wants. What you feel you'll never need, may be a dire need. A gender therapist and a good TG support group can help immensely. One has an idea, the others have been through the gauntlet. Just keep an open mind to your needs and comfort zone which will change over time

[Claire]

I've been going to this trans group in addition to seeing my therapist of many years and every 2-3 weeks a therapist that specializes in gender (he's trans). The group is very young and is very welcoming but again, young. I need to begin to find friends. I've never really had many and i never got very close. I think because I've always had this huge secret. You can't force friends to happen and I've been so separate that along with everything I'm trying to figure this out as well.


Claire (née Dori)

[Claire]

Just about everywhere I read she needs to absorb this and I should give her time but I know she's in pain. She said she thought she knew me but now she's not sure. Like me, she's now worried about her/our future when before she was sure we were going to be together forever. Also, I traded my being alone with this for her being alone wit this. Also just about everywhere I read not to try and tell her it was all a mistake and everything is fine since that isn't and won't be the case going forward. When I told my youngest sister she said I am the same person and always will be but that really won't be the case will it?
I posted elsewhere on these forums that maybe I should give her the Jenny Boylan book to read and one person replied that since her wife accepted it and stayed with her, it would seem that I expected her to do the same and that would be an burden and not a help to her. I think that makes sense. Plus I started re-reading it and she was pretty much always sure about who she was and I'm not.

I'm not sure what my point is but I'm just thinking this through. I've been trying not to constantly ask her how she's doing and if she's questions since there's nothing I can do.


Claire (née Dori)

[Jacqueline]

Claire,

I just went through this a little under a year ago(and still going through it-we are not the only ones on our journeys). I am 51 and we just had our 25th anniversary. I think I know much of what you describe.

I can't tell you what to do but I can say that communication is key, honesty is another and patience helps make it a trifecta. She will need time. You may get the same question over and over. It's okay. You have been dealing with this for years. She's had a bit less time.

I don't think I'm telling you anything you don't know already and have probably uncovered in research. You read that you can't take it back. Even if you could, the genie is out of the bottle and probably for good. It sounds pretty normal.

Now wait and respond with honesty.

Friends are important. Ones you can talk to face to face are fantastic. However, we are here too.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth journey wherever it takes you.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Claire]

Hi Joanna,
Thank you for comments to my post. It helps to not be alone with this.
I know it's only been a short time but it seems like the spark in my wife has gone out. No laughter, very quiet, subdued. I keep wanting to help her. I don't know if is should try and maintain things as they were, i.e. I always hold her hand, usually joke with her, often dance her around the kitchen while I make dinner, occasionally have her sit on my lap while I hold her. I don't want to force her and I don't want to ignore her. Right now it's hard to tell if she wants space.
Also she told me she was trying to find a book to read about this. I think the Jenny Boylan book is too much since she was so clear in her head from the beginning. I thought maybe transgender 101 since it is mostly descriptive of the topic. I never read the Helen Boyd books. Does anyone have any suggestions?


Claire (née Dori)

[Dena]

If you want a book for her to read, you might discuss it with your therapist. I haven't seen any of the books but others may be able to suggest books that they have used in the past.

[Claire]

I will, thank you. I want to be careful that I don't make it worse.


Claire (née Dori)

[BeverlyAnn]

There is a book called Head Over Heels: Wives Who Stay with Cross-Dressers and Transsexuals by Dr. Virginia Erhardt.  Virginia was a gender therapist here in Atlanta until she and her partner moved to Washington state and was a friends therapist.  I know it's available on Amazon but you might skim over it first before you let your wife read it.

[warlockmaker]

Hi Dori, I'm older and went thru this with my wife some 2 years ago and told her that I had already started HRT and that I had fufilled my family duties and obligations and that it was my time to give back to myself. I explained that I had been seeing a therapist for 8 years and could not imagine lying on my deathbed and live a life with regrets and unfufilled.  Her support was initially amazing but as the time for my surgeries came she had difficulties ...she is working on them now and seems to have gotten back on track. 

I had my srs, ffs and ba in Thailand on Jan 20th this year. That's my pic a day ago and the miracles of plastic surgery continues to amaze me.

All I can say is that it had taken me over 60 years to accept who I am and I needed to give her time to understand.. this also applied to my dearest male friends ..be patient and use whatever material to explain ..books, therapy, long conversations..its really difficult for a wife who married a man to find this out...love will prevail

[Claire]

Hi Dori, I'm older and went thru this with my wife some 2 years ago and told her that I had already started HRT and that I had fufilled my family duties and obligations and that it was my time to give back to myself. I explained that I had been seeing a therapist for 8 years and could not imagine lying on my deathbed and live a life with regrets and unfufilled.  Her support was initially amazing but as the time for my surgeries came she had difficulties ...she is working on them now and seems to have gotten back on track. 

I had my srs, ffs and ba in Thailand on Jan 20th this year. That's my pic a day ago and the miracles of plastic surgery continues to amaze me.

All I can say is that it had taken me over 60 years to accept who I am and I needed to give her time to understand.. this also applied to my dearest male friends ..be patient and use whatever material to explain ..books, therapy, long conversations..its really difficult for a wife who married a man to find this out...love will prevail

Sorry it has take so long to reply. Thank you for your post. (You look absolutely lovely by the way)

I'm not sure how I feel about transitioning. If you'd have asked me back in college, I would have told you yes but I didn't want to loose my family. Since then, I've built a life with my wife and I don't want to destroy that. (I know I keep repeating myself in these posts but this is a continual worry.) Looking back at the last few sentences, I wonder what I would say if I could ignore the fear.

Since my last post, I've seen my therapist and met with a trans group I belong to. Both have helped me greatly and it is surprising to me what a difference the their support means to me. In addition a number of you have sent me personal messages and they have been been very helpful, both to how I feel , how to put this in perspective and several book suggestion. Thanks everyone!

My wife is trying and at the moment there have been few outward changes on my part. I guess I feel I need her to recover a bit (plus there's the fear part). I did mention removing my body hair and asked if she was alright with that. She said she was really unsure about it. My therapist said I don't need to ask permission but just to let her know what is going on for me, to be truthful, not to surprise or blindside her... and for the 2 of us to talk, talk, talk... (all of which I have been trying to follow). She told me that ultimately it is not her decision. And ultimately there is only so much I can do to help and the rest is up to her. I still feel very guilty. I keep flipping from wanting to retreat from this with wanting to run towards transition... and again blow up my life.

[Jacqueline]

...ultimately it is not her decision. And ultimately there is only so much I can do to help and the rest is up to her. I still feel very guilty. I keep flipping from wanting to retreat from this with wanting to run towards transition... and again blow up my life.

Claire,

I agree that it is not your wife's decision. My spouse told me the same thing and I think it is true. The guilt that proceeds is a challenge to deal with. Doing what you feel might be right for you but not for her or your family; or soldiering on and trying to do what is right and responsible for others and potentially neglecting you(a different her). These are hard things and where I have found the therapist to be helpful.

If it were just me, I would run out of hands way too early because of all of the "on the other hands". I find a therapist helps guide and focus my thoughts. They don't tell you what to do or think. They help you see what you might hide from yourself and eliminate some of the extra noise the mind and overthinking can add(when I say you, I mean this is what I experienced-so, maybe not you?).

It's a tough time and I am not through it myself.

Good luck.

With warmth,

Joanna