Linking Sexual Thrill With Dysphoria

[RedheadWhovian]

Hi, everyone. I talked to my therapist today about some of the stuff that has been worrying me. I re-elaborated to her about how much of my desire to be female pre-transition was of a sexual nature. I must have pleasured myself every single day for so many years to the thought of me either being, or physically becoming a woman. Nothing else even came close to giving me that much pleasure. So yeah... Now three months on hormones, I am finding my sexual drive has decreased significantly. With that, I'm unfortunately getting confusing, discouraging feelings again (I'm sure a lot of you are tired of seeing my posts about that) So obviously, I am having severe worries that my desire to transition was entirely a sexual thrill, and that now that my libido is gone, I am having second thoughts? Maybe if I were to actually stop hormones, the sexual desire would come back full force and plague me again? I'm really the sort of person who can't tell when something is better until I remember how much worse it was before. If anyone is interested, I'd also like to elaborate on my actual sexual practicing now, if that isn't too much information. Ugh. Confusing weeks. :/

[Deborah]

Once I did DIY HRT.  And I had the same concern.  So I stopped HRT.  Within a few months all the bad stuff came back at full force.  So, I expect the same thing would happen to you.

I guess the only question to ask is do you miss that sexual thrill?  Maybe if you miss it and want it back then it was the driving force.  That's just an opinion and I'm not a psych in any way.


Sapere Aude

[DiamondBladee]

If it ever turns out that this was the only driving force, maybe you should experiment around with types of crossdressing.  If you feel female inside, you can choose to be non-op non-hrt as well.  They're valid   Maybe you should give that some thought and possibly talk to your therapist about that.


I can only relate so much on sex honestly.  I have had 0 sexual motivation ever, so I consider myself asexual.  I honestly dont even think I'll have a ton of sexual interest even post-op.

EDIT:  Do consider the scenario of the post above me as well, it could be just that

[Lilian J]

The "sexual thrill" part is what I used to invalidate my feelings for 2 decades as I convinced myself it was just a sexual fantasy and there is no way I could really be transgender.

After starting HRT and having my Llibido drop off massively I ultimately felt relief as now I am no longer plagued by urgent sexual feelings I can actually feel a lot more confident that I on the right track. Not to mention how much extra time in the day I have

I am still confused and jump back and forth mentally but like you as soon as I think back to the stress / anxiety / depression pre HRT then I realise how happy and relaxed I have been over the past 5 months. In fact my only really anxiousness came from thinking I'd lost my meds and would have to rush back to the Dr to get a new prescription.

Hope you feel better and don't feel bad about being confused. Everyone is to some extent but some are better at hiding it.

I went to a support group meeting last night and the most obvious thing was how this is a 2 steps forward 1 back process filled with self doubt for most . The other obvious thing was how many people quietly smiled and nodded everytime someone described an experience or feeling prefaced by "Maybe it's just me" or "Is that normal".

[Ms Grace]

The only reason I perceived of myself as female in the majority of my sexual fantasies was because it was a turn off perceiving myself acting sexually as a male. It makes sense that if you identify as a woman then your sexual perception of yourself will align with that too. Unfortunately having testosterone in your system can mangle what that means. Even worse, our misogynistic society treats women as highly sexualised commodities and that is imprinted on our sexuality too. Like you, once I started HRT that by and large fell away because the testosterone wasn't there screwing with me (no pun intended). As to your own personal motivations for transition you will want to get that sorted out, without the sexual drive there so much now you can really ask yourself what is your gender identity, how do you want/need to express it?

[DiamondBladee]

The "sexual thrill" part is what I used to invalidate my feelings for 2 decades as I convinced myself it was just a sexual fantasy and there is no way I could really be transgender.

I could see this being a really powerful factor too.  There's lots to consider.  Take it easy, OP.

[AnonyMs]

I started and stopped HRT quite a few times. I always felt normal on HRT, but once I stopped everything came back and worse. I eventually gave up, and I've been on HRT for years now. I feel relatively normal now, only I'm very far from it.

[RobynD]

The beginnings of my gender questioning included a fair amount of sexual thrill etc. However i was young and still learning about myself. Later, i realized the peace of presenting myself as my correct gender, even though i was not on hormones then and i definitely continued to have a strong sex drive.

When i started HRT i finally realized what it was like to not be ruled by my libido. I had no idea how it permeated my life, demanded my time, hurt my relationships and put me on a cycle of high, followed by depression. It did not matter what sexual thrill i exercised, it was all the same.

So the reduction in sex drive was a very wonderful feeling for me.

You may find that your knew normal, minus the dysphoria and with less of a sex drive is far superior to your past life. You may also find that the sex drive that remains is much better and more intimate.

[RedheadWhovian]

Once I did DIY HRT.  And I had the same concern.  So I stopped HRT.  Within a few months all the bad stuff came back at full force.  So, I expect the same thing would happen to you.

I guess the only question to ask is do you miss that sexual thrill?  Maybe if you miss it and want it back then it was the driving force.  That's just an opinion and I'm not a psych in any way.


Sapere Aude

Oh yeah, I have a prescription, and it took me about four months of decision making before I went in for them, so I can at least say that I don't think it's DIY? So you think if I were to stop right now, those sexual desires would come back full force, and govern me? I admit, I used to masturbate to it several times a day, and it took away valuable time.

If I think about it, I am actually a little more productive since hormones. I am not too depressed to shower each day, I am planning out things for my future, and getting my gaming done, which I love. I'm also more social with people, and my inflection has changed in my speech a bit.

I started and stopped HRT quite a few times. I always felt normal on HRT, but once I stopped everything came back and worse. I eventually gave up, and I've been on HRT for years now. I feel relatively normal now, only I'm very far from it.

I'm sorry! I wish you could just feel the comfort you want. I've considered stopping to see how I feel, but it would take a lot to do, since my doctor is two hours away. I plan appointments months in advance. I do have to say that even though my general excitement is down, I am more productive, I articulate myself better, and I feel more simply at ease. I would say that before it was more of a mixture. I was more manic. I would have spurts of huge adrenaline, and happiness, and then bouts of just wanting to do absolutely nothing.

I could see this being a really powerful factor too.  There's lots to consider.  Take it easy, OP.

Take it easy is definitely something I need to learn! Haha

[Deborah]

If you stop, like I did, then your testosterone levels will return to their original levels.  Mine did, it just took some time; not really that much time either.  When that happens the dysphoria and everything with it will come back too.


Sapere Aude

[RedheadWhovian]

I'm so sorry for the double post, friends.

If it ever turns out that this was the only driving force, maybe you should experiment around with types of crossdressing.  If you feel female inside, you can choose to be non-op non-hrt as well.  They're valid   Maybe you should give that some thought and possibly talk to your therapist about that.


I can only relate so much on sex honestly.  I have had 0 sexual motivation ever, so I consider myself asexual.  I honestly dont even think I'll have a ton of sexual interest even post-op.

EDIT:  Do consider the scenario of the post above me as well, it could be just that

Before starting HRT I dressed up almost every night for three months, and it felt wonderful. Not even necessarily a sexual thrill. Just a comfort, and a rush of euphoric feelings at the same time. Now I find that the women's clothes are just clothes, and that scares me.

The "sexual thrill" part is what I used to invalidate my feelings for 2 decades as I convinced myself it was just a sexual fantasy and there is no way I could really be transgender.

After starting HRT and having my Llibido drop off massively I ultimately felt relief as now I am no longer plagued by urgent sexual feelings I can actually feel a lot more confident that I on the right track. Not to mention how much extra time in the day I have

I am still confused and jump back and forth mentally but like you as soon as I think back to the stress / anxiety / depression pre HRT then I realise how happy and relaxed I have been over the past 5 months. In fact my only really anxiousness came from thinking I'd lost my meds and would have to rush back to the Dr to get a new prescription.

Hope you feel better and don't feel bad about being confused. Everyone is to some extent but some are better at hiding it.

I went to a support group meeting last night and the most obvious thing was how this is a 2 steps forward 1 back process filled with self doubt for most . The other obvious thing was how many people quietly smiled and nodded everytime someone described an experience or feeling prefaced by "Maybe it's just me" or "Is that normal".

Thank you so much for making me feel like I'm not alone, and for the helpful advice. I guess one thing that scares me about losing my sex drive is the fact that it seems like sex drive is so much of what drives normal excitement and happiness. Is that true? Will I still be able to get thrills, and have things make me super happy without a libido?

The only reason I perceived of myself as female in the majority of my sexual fantasies was because it was a turn off perceiving myself acting sexually as a male. It makes sense that if you identify as a woman then your sexual perception of yourself will align with that too. Unfortunately having testosterone in your system can mangle what that means. Even worse, our misogynistic society treats women as highly sexualised commodities and that is imprinted on our sexuality too. Like you, once I started HRT that by and large fell away because the testosterone wasn't there screwing with me (no pun intended). As to your own personal motivations for transition you will want to get that sorted out, without the sexual drive there so much now you can really ask yourself what is your gender identity, how do you want/need to express it?

Yeah! Guess I am just a little scared of how that sorting out is going to go. I'm just afraid of getting the answers I don't want, ya know?

The beginnings of my gender questioning included a fair amount of sexual thrill etc. However i was young and still learning about myself. Later, i realized the peace of presenting myself as my correct gender, even though i was not on hormones then and i definitely continued to have a strong sex drive.

When i started HRT i finally realized what it was like to not be ruled by my libido. I had no idea how it permeated my life, demanded my time, hurt my relationships and put me on a cycle of high, followed by depression. It did not matter what sexual thrill i exercised, it was all the same.

So the reduction in sex drive was a very wonderful feeling for me.

You may find that your knew normal, minus the dysphoria and with less of a sex drive is far superior to your past life. You may also find that the sex drive that remains is much better and more intimate.

Thank you, Robyn! Always helping me so much. ^_^ Do you think maybe I just need more time to see where the sexual avenue goes? It's been three months yesterday, but isn't that already suitable time to know?

[RedheadWhovian]

If you stop, like I did, then your testosterone levels will return to their original levels.  Mine did, it just took some time; not really that much time either.  When that happens the dysphoria and everything with it will come back too.


Sapere Aude

I'm certain it will too. I guess the question is, will I be happy having to constantly pleasure myself to make dysphoria go away temporarily? No doubt that has declined in frequency. It used to be twice a day. Now it's about every three days.

[DiamondBladee]

Before starting HRT I dressed up almost every night for three months, and it felt wonderful. Not even necessarily a sexual thrill. Just a comfort, and a rush of euphoric feelings at the same time. Now I find that the women's clothes are just clothes, and that scares me.

Well this will eventually happen to everything.  People often joke about the "boring post-operative life".  But honestly, I'd rather be content than be swinging between WOO and ARRGH.

Coming from me that might sound funny.  Haha, Virginia weather jokes.

EDIT:  I can get my WOO from just having stupid fun with friends anyway.  But that's how I work.  What matters more is you.

[Tessa James]

Lots of great thoughts shared here and I especially found Robyn's description to ring true for me too.  Katie I hope you will give yourself more time to find your rhythm when it comes to libido and sexuality.  There seems to have been so much automaticity associated with our previously T ruled lives.  Some things we unlearn or rebuild and that is part of the beauty for me.  This awareness of sexuality more closely integrated with intimacy and romance rather than urgency and drive feels far better to this girl.  It is reasonable that it may take much more than a few months to find your personal balance. 

You describe feeling better in so many ways and it seems a bit more time and patience may help you.

[Dena]

I can't give you the answer to this as only you will be able to determine it. You also don't need to tell me what the answer to my questions is. The question is what is your gender identity. What do you want to become in order to feel comfortable. I see two possibilities given what you have described so far.

You might be transsexual where you under go gender surgery. I am not sure this is you because many of the people who want this are content with a reduced sexual drive and are happy with the idea of no male bits.

Another possibility is you are non binary very close to the female side of the spectrum. You want to be as feminine as possible but there are still some things you are not ready to let go of.

Which ever option you chose, you still remain transgender but your goals are a little different.

[RedheadWhovian]

Well this will eventually happen to everything.  People often joke about the "boring post-operative life".  But honestly, I'd rather be content than be swinging between WOO and ARRGH.

Coming from me that might sound funny.  Haha, Virginia weather jokes.

EDIT:  I can get my WOO from just having stupid fun with friends anyway.  But that's how I work.  What matters more is you.

So true, honestly. Every bit of thrill eventually wears off. Maybe I am confusing the fact that this is becoming the new normal for me with the idea that it's not right. Thank you for your help.

Lots of great thoughts shared here and I especially found Robyn's description to ring true for me too.  Katie I hope you will give yourself more time to find your rhythm when it comes to libido and sexuality.  There seems to have been so much automaticity associated with our previously T ruled lives.  Some things we unlearn or rebuild and that is part of the beauty for me.  This awareness of sexuality more closely integrated with intimacy and romance rather than urgency and drive feels far better to this girl.  It is reasonable that it may take much more than a few months to find your personal balance. 

You describe feeling better in so many ways and it seems a bit more time and patience may help you.

That's what my therapist said, too. She thinks I need more time. She sees someone blossoming, and she thinks I just need to take the time I need to simply enjoy life right now, without having to obsess over the future, and correct decisions. She also said that I may find that doing that will clear my head more than ever, and that I may get the answers I want. Thank you, Tessa. Always so helpful *hugs*

I can't give you the answer to this as only you will be able to determine it. You also don't need to tell me what the answer to my questions is. The question is what is your gender identity. What do you want to become in order to feel comfortable. I see two possibilities given what you have described so far.

You might be transsexual where you under go gender surgery. I am not sure this is you because many of the people who want this are content with a reduced sexual drive and are happy with the idea of no male bits.

Another possibility is you are non binary very close to the female side of the spectrum. You want to be as feminine as possible but there are still some things you are not ready to let go of.

Which ever option you chose, you still remain transgender but your goals are a little different.

At the moment, the latter seems more viable. There are certain traits of my masculinity that I feel like I'll miss, but at the same time, I WANT nothing more than to come to that point where I can let them go. Maybe just time? Either way, thank you so much for your help. *hugs*

[Obfuskatie]

It's normal to experience doubts. HRT is life changing, acclimating to a new normal isn't always easy, and it can be very confusing. Whether your dysphoria was tied to arousal or not is something only you can decide for yourself.
That being said, I've never met a cis person who fantasized about being female. Sure I've know and dated guys that enjoyed cross dressing for a thrill, but to my knowledge they'd never considered transition. Still even cross dressing falls under the trans umbrella technically.
Were I you, I'd probably listen to my therapist, and if I was still unsure I'd experiment, since I am a huge believer in empirical data. Just make sure that whatever choices you make, that they are well thought out and that you are healthy.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RedheadWhovian]

It's normal to experience doubts. HRT is life changing, acclimating to a new normal isn't always easy, and it can be very confusing. Whether your dysphoria was tied to arousal or not is something only you can decide for yourself.
That being said, I've never met a cis person who fantasized about being female. Sure I've know and dated guys that enjoyed cross dressing for a thrill, but to my knowledge they'd never considered transition. Still even cross dressing falls under the trans umbrella technically.
Were I you, I'd probably listen to my therapist, and if I was still unsure I'd experiment, since I am a huge believer in empirical data. Just make sure that whatever choices you make, that they are well thought out and that you are healthy.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you so much for the advice. So you've never known anyone who got any sort of sexual thrill from thinking of themselves as a woman every day? I suppose that means something then. I did get a sort of thrill from crossdressing, but then it turned into more of a comfort, just before starting hormones. I wouldn't get... Errr hard or anything anymore from clothing, and my heart wouldn't race much anymore. I also never had the need to ever masturbate while dressed up. Instead, I just felt beautiful, and so happy. I'll admit though. I posted pictures of myself dressed up online (Nothing remotely provocative) and I enjoyed the attention. I really enjoyed people thinking I was cute and pretty. Maybe that means something against me? Either way, it worries me because now, after 3 months of hormones, I don't get that sense of happiness on the clothes. I just get no feeling. I suppose I don't have any feeling with male clothes either, but their familiarity feels more comfortable now, which I hate. :/

[Claire_Sydney]

The "sexual thrill" part is what I used to invalidate my feelings for 2 decades as I convinced myself it was just a sexual fantasy and there is no way I could really be transgender.

After starting HRT and having my Llibido drop off massively I ultimately felt relief as now I am no longer plagued by urgent sexual feelings I can actually feel a lot more confident that I on the right track. Not to mention how much extra time in the day I have

I am still confused and jump back and forth mentally but like you as soon as I think back to the stress / anxiety / depression pre HRT then I realise how happy and relaxed I have been over the past 5 months.

Every bit of that is true for me too.

For all the reasons you have said, I feel that the effects of HRT have helped validate my decision if anything.

My mind jumps backwards and forwards  between boy mode and girl mode depending on all kinds of things. I suspect it will continue to until I'm ready for full time.

I would also add that I am happiest when I can mentally put all gender aside. If I can avoid pigeon hole labels like male, female, trans, cis (and all the stereotypes that follow each) then I feel liberated and free to be me.

[JenSquid]

I like this thread. I can relate.

For me, sexuality was a big stumbling block towards figuring myself out. I started feeling like I should have been a girl roughly around the same time my sex drive first showed up (technically a few months before, but still pretty close), and always had some difficulty separating the two. I told myself that I couldn't be trans, as I seemed to be mostly okay with my [male] sex drive. Though to be honest, despite always imagining myself having sex as a woman, I always felt most feminine when not thinking about sex. And then when I figured out I was transgender, I kept having doubts that my sexuality might somehow invalidate myself. As if arousal somehow meant I must be male. I realize now how flawed this thinking was, but on some level I still believed it. I also realize a lot of it has to do with lack of exposure to female sexuality, and not being able to see where what I was experiencing was normal.

Just to make things more confusing, I often find myself getting aroused when putting on women's clothes, but I don't like that and wish I didn't. Like seriously. And although I don't like the idea of my libido disappearing entirely (I kinda worry about that), I really like the idea of it no longer being intrusive, as that's really annoying. I'm not on HRT yet, but I kinda get the impression that that will sort the rest of my concerns out.