Need help, advice etc...

[SIngularity]

Title edited by me)
Dramatic titles aside...

I met someone, who I honestly did not believe(the first time i saw her) was trans. She was extremely upfront about it, I am also completely ok with her status.  She really is beautiful, and her personality is wonderful. I have no reservations or complaints about who she is. I'm mid 30's she is mid 20's
a few things i want to say about how I feel, so no judging ok?

I Like her, i feel a connection.  I truly want to see where it leads. I have no real issues with who she is the life she led before etc...

My main concern is how it will impact my life and how i will need to deal with it.  I Know meeting friends, and relatives etc may be tricky. However I was raised to defend those I care about, I am sure a few choice words will shut-up most people.   I'm looking for ideas on how to best deal with it.  I have known other transgenders before in my life, friends etc...Never have I met someone who I thought might turn out to be more. I am a straight guy, and this is not related to her parts or lack of parts. She is a woman, and I am attracted to her.  though I believe she may have had SRS already so shes either completely transitioned or somewhere close.  I honestly do not know for sure, but its really a non issue with me. (though some pointers on how that all works if we do become intimate would be handy.  I'd hate to screw that up and make her feel uncomfortable)

TL;DR I want to pursue a relationship with her, want her to feel comfortable and I want to know some things to never do/ say. also assuming she has had srs/ or not, and we become intimate how that will work(I know how it works just not with someone who has/ not had surgery.) I'm sure she has enough issues dealing with gawkers and rude people.   Also any other tips would be helpful. 

I checked back in, seems 30+ people have viewed this and could not answer, ignored it or something. 

I truly do want answers and help.  I care for this woman and want to do things like every other couple.  I have no idea what I am about to face.  some advice would be very helpful.

[LostHeart]

Hi there!
Firstly, talk with her! Sounds like she'd be more than willing to discuss many of the things you brought up, considering she was very upfront about being trans. Definitely tell her how you feel, the connection, wanting to see how it goes.

For me, being with a trans person is really easy. They're just a person She's a girl-treat her like any other girl you've ever dated (GOOD! haha).
Every person is different though. Some may want you to tell friends/family prior to her meeting them, or tell them after, or not tell them at all.

I won't dabble into the sex part, as that's something you and her will have to discuss and delve into

You said it best yourself, "She is a woman, and I am attracted to her."

I hope some of this helps, I'm just another biological person in a supportive and loving role

[PrincessButtercup]

If you didn't realize she's a transgender woman, chances are no one else will either. I don't see why you owe any explanation to anyone other than "Hello [insert name here], this is my new girlfriend [insert name here]." Introduce her as you would any CIS female who you're dating. I'm not saying you need to hide it, just don't advertise it or draw attention to it because there's really no need and it's no one's business but yours and hers.

[stephaniec]

Well. I'm trans and I just need to be myself a woman. The sexual intimate part somewhat depends on if she is pre or post and maybe how far post, which has to do with healing .The pre part may or my not be a little complicated depending on her. The best thing is to talk about it. The really only thing to see is that she's female which you seem to know. As far as others are concerned it's really none of their business.

[SIngularity]

thank you for the replies, I was not asking for a sexual flowchart or a how to.  haha but thanks for trying. 

Buttercup, "As YOUUUU WIIIISHHHH" (hahah) I do not feel that I owe anyone anything.  Being who I am, i know eventually she will get clocked. I want to be able to deal with it or help her deal with it. I say this because until someone told me, I had no idea.  So clearly others have noticed, and she is very upfront about it.  I have no issue with it, just the drama that i may have to face as a result.  I have no idea how to do that or even how to prepare for it. I'd hate to see that destroy any chance we might have.

When i'm around her...wow her energy vibrates the entire room, me included.  Its like two magnets that connected on the proper sides.

[Laura_7]

Here is a brochure that might help understand:
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

Imo the previous posts are very helpful.

Transgender people often are fascinating characters, because of their life experiences.
They can be wonderful partners... and often are attractive because many try to value femininity in a way many cis people do not.

You are attracted by her femininity and she identifies as girl . There are biological differences in brains of women and men so its how people really feel. The usual remedy is to adapt the body as people feel its necessary.

You might simply ask her to explain to you what transgender means to her.

Well concerning sex you might wait a bit ... not talking about it straight away, unless she brings it up.

Depending on if she is post or pre/non op (some people do not want SRS) there might be differences...
well pre op its possible she has some dysphoria concerning her ... parts.
Just be gentle and talk with her if she brings it up.
If you communicate with each other you can work it all out.

Just ask if you have more questions.


*hugs*

[Jacqueline]

SIngularity,

Welcome to Susan's,

It is great you are looking for advice and help. I admire how open and honest you are. I think those and communication are the key to any relationship.

Most transgender people have experience with negativity. You probably don't have to step in and protect her. Once again, you might ask. She might want to move on and not make a big deal of it.

Not sure if this is a stereotype but it seems to me that often women want to to bring something up or get it out; men seem to want to fix it. That is not a knock, just an observation. Make sure what ever you want to help with is something she wants help with.

Talk, ask her questions, everyone is different in preferences. Figure it out like any other relationship and good luck.

I also wanted to add some helpful links that have some great information and site policies:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Look around, ask questions and thanks for being understanding.

With Warmth,

Joanna

[LostHeart]

I'm super excited for you really.
things like "When i'm around her...wow her energy vibrates the entire room, me included.  Its like two magnets that connected on the proper sides." make me smile so hard

[SIngularity]

UPDATE:

The first few dates went as expected.  I reached down deep and faced my surface fears and we went out in public(note: the only concern i have had thus far is how to handle the idiots who dont know better or snarky comments.  <not allowed> them, i like her.  Dealing with them is a skill set i dont have yet.  I just want to see she is treated like she should be...for the wonderful woman she is.) We did random stuff like coffee and stayed in watching movies for others.  the mall was actually inspiring.  Literally passed a few hundred people.  Faced down a few dirty looks with a smile or a laugh, even a joke about one guy who winked at her while we were holding hands. Not one single person said a word to her. (maybe because I am 6'6" and 280 lol)  Then for a random date she shows up in this dress...I was  mostly speechless for a good 5 minutes.

all in all, this is by far the best dating experience of my life. I truly hope this keeps going down the road were on..  Thank you guys for your help and support and the posts i see in other forums here advice and others situations.

[Marienz]

I"m excited for you, both as well...sounds great:) You're obviously a very special person:)

[SIngularity]

a little update, and some serious confusion. 

Things have progressed as any would expect.  I've discovered, because she told me, she is post op.  She is opening up to me in bits and pieces.  When i try and hold her had in public she gets all giggly and embarrassed, idk why.  Ive tried talking about being more serious with her (exclusive relationship).  The topic seems to get sidelined faster than a gravy train with biscuit wheels at a KFC. 

Why might a woman be so non committal?  It cant be fear of her being trans, or fear of rejection.  I have opened up to her and she claims to feel safe with me and around me. she just keeps on with "I want to go slow."  This is not about sex, we have not had any.  Honestly i've not gotten past kissing without tongue lol.  I almost feel like I'm being played here.  I'm sort of hoping theres some issue revolving around her being trans that is holding her back.  If so how do i get her to open up? 

TL;DR I feel like things have become very stagnant and despite my being open and inviting she stays back and keeps me at arms length for some unknown reason and I'm seriously considering ending things.

[HappyMoni]

Lots of cisgender woman want to move slow sometimes too. The thing that occurs to me, not knowing her, is that maybe she is concerned with getting hurt. If she gets serious too quickly, it is emotionally a bit of a risk. If you have been upfront with the thoughts about how others will react  to the two of you, maybe she worries about you bailing on her. You are even talking about bailing in your last post. Trust takes some time. If you feel like she is worth it to you, have a little patience. To repeat, I don't know her, it just seems like a good possibility.
Moni

[Laura_7]

a little update, and some serious confusion. 

Things have progressed as any would expect.  I've discovered, because she told me, she is post op.  She is opening up to me in bits and pieces.  When i try and hold her had in public she gets all giggly and embarrassed, idk why.  Ive tried talking about being more serious with her (exclusive relationship).  The topic seems to get sidelined faster than a gravy train with biscuit wheels at a KFC. 

Why might a woman be so non committal?  It cant be fear of her being trans, or fear of rejection.  I have opened up to her and she claims to feel safe with me and around me. she just keeps on with "I want to go slow."  This is not about sex, we have not had any.  Honestly i've not gotten past kissing without tongue lol.  I almost feel like I'm being played here.  I'm sort of hoping theres some issue revolving around her being trans that is holding her back.  If so how do i get her to open up? 

TL;DR I feel like things have become very stagnant and despite my being open and inviting she stays back and keeps me at arms length for some unknown reason and I'm seriously considering ending things.

*hugs*

Imo there could be many reasons.

You might talk to her. Guessing can be difficult.
This is what i'd do ...I'd say create a space where she feels safe ... having her sit down, over a cup of tea... talk about a few nice things ... then ask her... saying you like her but there seems to be barriers from her side ... why ... and what could be done ....

its posible she taks about things she has experienced ... its also possible she does not want to talk first ...

being transgender can mean she has some scars...

talking about it openly could bring you closer together ...

otherwise its possible it runs in a  circle ... like she opens up some but then jumps back to old behaviour ...
so imo really talking about it and looking for a common solution might help.

Its possible she says she is afraid to be hurt ... or similar ...
but talking about it and for example agreeing to take it slow but moving forwards together could be a common ground to build on...

I'd say talk about it, maybe also about your emotions, without making reproaches ... just stating them and then hearing her ...


*hugs*

[Marienz]

*hugs*

Imo there could be many reasons.

You might talk to her. Guessing can be difficult.
This is what i'd do ...I'd say create a space where she feels safe ... having her sit down, over a cup of tea... talk about a few nice things ... then ask her... saying you like her but there seems to be barriers from her side ... why ... and what could be done ....

its posible she taks about things she has experienced ... its also possible she does not want to talk first ...

being transgender can mean she has some scars...

talking about it openly could bring you closer together ...

otherwise its possible it runs in a  circle ... like she opens up some but then jumps back to old behaviour ...
so imo really talking about it and looking for a common solution might help.

Its possible she says she is afraid to be hurt ... or similar ...
but talking about it and for example agreeing to take it slow but moving forwards together could be a common ground to build on...

I'd say talk about it, maybe also about your emotions, without making reproaches ... just stating them and then hearing her ...


*hugs*

Hello again:)
I like this post of Laura's allot:)
I'm dealing with a m2f ex partner going through a transition. I think your special lady may also need a special safe place to open up and talk:) transition is difficult from what I have seen and post transition there will still be some scars:)
Take it nice and slow... You're obviously a very caring and unique individual yourself.
I hope things go well:)
Marie

[Feminator]

Personally, I would not tell anyone anything but her name and that this is the girl you are dating. If she wants someone to know, then she will let them know herself. That way you are not outing her and she can decide who, how and when to let them know. 

[SIngularity]

thanks for the support guys!

Basicly i met her as a woman, see her as a woman.  No issues there. 

MY latest iussue i guess is normal relationship stuff, adding in the scars of her being trans.  We went out the other day for lunch walking i she said, Im scared to be in public.  I immediately grabber her hand, looked into her eyes and said "I will protect you, no matter what."  and kissed her.   Not as if people will say anything with me around, I'm 6'6 and 280 covered in tattoos...so people do not typically mess with me lol.  I said it so she knows when she is with me she is protected.  I invited her to a family thing coming up and we are also going to a local event at a college nearby.  The college thing is for trans awareness and to sign up to be bathroom buddies( so if someone feels unsafe they can call or guard the door etc. 

as of now we have not had sex.  she has been open about her surgeries without my asking, and has eluded to her past at points but never true openness.  I can say with out a doubt in my heart or mind that I am 100% in love with her, I Just want to see more stepping up on her part so i know my feelings are returned before I tell her.  I long to see her, for her touch..

here is some poetry i wrote, and shared with her. 
I see you as soon as i walk in.
My entire body jilted off balance, as if struck by lightning.
you look up at me and smile
I am frozen in time, everything around me moving at warp speed
except you...and I
I open my mouth to speak...nothing
my mind is racing
burning alive in embarrassment because i am speechless
i hear my thoughts
"c'mon man say something...anything she is beautiful! but dont just blurt that out she will think your weird."
my throat is tightening, almost choking off any words that try to surface
something about this woman...i cant put my finger on it...
she is incredibly special...I just know it
as we moved closer more crept into my life...
I can still taste your lips on mine, and long for more
I can smell your scent on my clothes, so very faint
I see you in my mind, but you are invisible
I feel your presence, but not you
I can hear your words, echoing in my ears
Every sense is alive with all that is you.

Every sense craves more..
The sight of you, your curves
the sound of your voice, like a perfect melody
The touch of your skin on mine, like soft electricity
The feel of your breath on my neck, the shivers down my spine
the taste of your lips...so soft and gentle even when you bite

You are the embodiment of what I crave, so primal and so heartwarming
You are like a drug, tailored just for me
You are like a soft summer breeze on a hot day cooling my desires
You are like a jug of sweet tea, refreshing to the soul

You...I feel so close even when miles apart
I long to be in your arms, and you in mine.
No matter the reason
No matter the cause
In your arms
Holding your hand
Kissing your lips

[HappyMoni]

Okay, I am officially rooting for you to get the girl!
Moni

[JoanneB]

a little update, and some serious confusion. 

Things have progressed as any would expect.  I've discovered, because she told me, she is post op.  She is opening up to me in bits and pieces.  When i try and hold her had in public she gets all giggly and embarrassed, idk why.  Ive tried talking about being more serious with her (exclusive relationship).  The topic seems to get sidelined faster than a gravy train with biscuit wheels at a KFC. 

Why might a woman be so non committal?  It cant be fear of her being trans, or fear of rejection.  I have opened up to her and she claims to feel safe with me and around me. she just keeps on with "I want to go slow."  This is not about sex, we have not had any.  Honestly i've not gotten past kissing without tongue lol.  I almost feel like I'm being played here.  I'm sort of hoping theres some issue revolving around her being trans that is holding her back.  If so how do i get her to open up? 

TL;DR I feel like things have become very stagnant and despite my being open and inviting she stays back and keeps me at arms length for some unknown reason and I'm seriously considering ending things.

My guess about non-committal which is a good root cause for the other issues

Never road tested  the new bits?
Like any virgin scared of rejection. Scared of pain. Just plain scared

My support group moderator once replied to my question as to why on beautiful woman in our group doesn't and never seems to have any guys in her life tho she seems to talk the talk. Her answer: "It takes a special sort of man to go out with transwoman".