I urgently need help for my boyfriend, please

[Saison Marguerite]

He is not okay right now and I need to be able to offer him some words of support.

He has been on testosterone therapy for 4 years now, he has had some of his surgeries and is awaiting the others. He passes as male now and chooses to be stealth as is possible for him, as he considers his transition to be part of his private life.

But the dysphoria is still killing him. He had a lot of experiences before starting hormones where people made it clear to him that they did not see him as a real man. And a few experiences where he was outed as stealth, where people treated him differently once they knew. It has impacted his self image so much and at this moment he is so down and desperate and I am very worried about him.

He told me he does not know if he can continue living as long as he feels this way. He has attempted suicide in the past. Hormones saved his life, I honestly believe he would have killed himself long ago were HRT not available. Generally he is okay but he still has things, such as his birth parts that remind him of the past. All he wants is to live his life undisturbed by the past, but I am sure as all of you know, that simply is not possible when you are transgender unless you make substantial effort to be 100% stealth and live as if you were cisgender. It comes up, whether it is through other people somehow finding out or reminders from your body. As hard as he works to live in the present, people try to define him based on his past.

He has tried so hard to accept that he was born female and cannot change the past. But it is a painful reality, because it means he needs to be aware of things that caused him so much pain.

I worry for so many things and I don't know what to say to him anymore. I love and accept him as he is, as a man, I have never seen him any different. but I worry that one day he will take his life. I worry about how this is impacting his physical and mental health. He has been transitioning all in all for 7 years now if you consider social transitioning and coming out. And he has had these stressors for that long, that can't be healthy, what is happening to his body and his mind and he goes through this?

He told me not long ago he knows there is no God because he cannot see why anyone would make him live this way his whole life. He is in another room right now and I know he is crying but he doesn't want to talk to me. I am at a loss. Please help.

[Dena]

There is much I don't know about this but I am going to try to give you some ideas. We are transgender and for the most part the transition is a good idea but without enough therapy, it can be hard to adjust to the new life. Add to that attempting to live stealth, you may have the old issues resurface. What he needs now is to return to therapy and/or let go of the idea of total stealth.
When I transitioned, I put the old me in the background and allowed the new me to emerge. I can sill draw on the old me but the difference is the old memories no longer cause the pain they once did. He has to find that middle ground where the two halves can coexist without causing discomfort.
I have a feeling that therapy was very light when he transition and he may have had as little therapy as he could get away with. If that's true, that's where most of the problem is and returning to therapy will help resolve it.
I suspect at the moment, your proving that he isn't alone in this will be about all you can do to help him directly. Professional help will be needed but it is possible for him to resolve these issues and have a happy life if he is willing to put in the effort.

[Laura_7]

*hugs*

There is a biological explanation for being transgender.
There are differences in brains of women and men, fixed before birth.
They are triggered by various transmitter substances .
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people. They are off the market now.
So its literally a mans brain in a womans body.
So he always was a man.
If you look into his eyes you will see the eyes of a man.
This might help him with self acceptance.
He is a real man.

He might look into a mirror using it for reassurance.
He will see the eyes of a a man.

Here is a brochure:
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

This should give him real self confidence.

Well there are people out there still adhering to a traditional view body = gender identity.
But this is not the case.
People come around more and more understanding this.
http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/03/the-genderbread-person-v2-0/

He might try to get a bit more away from other peoples opinions and realize its his opinion and aura that count.
He might do things he feels comfortable with, and which give him joy.
If there are persons who do speak lowly of him he might avoid them for a while.

If he is just himself many people will come around.
Just being steadfast and himself.
Going for other peoples approval can be fatal.
He might do it the other way around. He might just exude what is inside of him ... his real self ... and people will come around over time.
Those that do not are probably insensitive people who he might not have much in common with anyways.

If he is bipolar he might avoid swings, trying to go for stability ... doing things he feels do him well, and exploring new things slowly...

as Dena said a good gender therapist might help ... getting a feeling of stability...
some work on sliding scales, and you might ask at plannedparenthood or lgbt groups for a referral .. and look up reviews...
there are also online counselors, there was a thread on that... 

Concerning religion many people feel there is a being of love ... which helps in times of distress ...
its just that some things are not changed instantly ... but people feel being helped and relieved and shown ways to cope with it...

If he wants to chat you might pm me ...
and by the way there is a chat on susans...

there might be support groups in your place...

and if he feels low please tell him to reach out...
there are helplines, some with other transgender people, for example:
www.translifeline.org


many *hugs*

[Emileeeee]

I agree with the other posters too. Therapy would be a great help at this point. I also planned to do the stealth option, but as I progressed closer to transition, I got more used to the idea that I was born as a guy and can't change that. That doesn't mean I like it, but I learned to accept that prior to starting. Self acceptance of needing to transition came from me. Self acceptance of being trans came from therapy.

There is a lot of fear that surrounds all of this and you have to learn to live with it all. What if somebody knows I'm trans? What if they don't like me then? What if they try to hurt me? What if they tell everybody else about it? What if I'm not walking correctly or talking correctly? What if my voice doesn't sound right? As Dena said, you need to learn to merge the two aspects of yourself into one being and not worry about what other people are thinking. This is about being comfortable with you, not with everybody else.

Being stealth sounds much scarier to me than not doing that. Walking around with the same fear of being outed that I had prior to transition would be a lot of stress. Being able to discuss it openly and with confidence is a huge weight off my shoulders.

[Saison Marguerite]

There is much I don't know about this but I am going to try to give you some ideas. We are transgender and for the most part the transition is a good idea but without enough therapy, it can be hard to adjust to the new life. Add to that attempting to live stealth, you may have the old issues resurface. What he needs now is to return to therapy and/or let go of the idea of total stealth.
When I transitioned, I put the old me in the background and allowed the new me to emerge. I can sill draw on the old me but the difference is the old memories no longer cause the pain they once did. He has to find that middle ground where the two halves can coexist without causing discomfort.
I have a feeling that therapy was very light when he transition and he may have had as little therapy as he could get away with. If that's true, that's where most of the problem is and returning to therapy will help resolve it.
I suspect at the moment, your proving that he isn't alone in this will be about all you can do to help him directly. Professional help will be needed but it is possible for him to resolve these issues and have a happy life if he is willing to put in the effort.

Your intuition is spot on Dena, he did not have a lot of therapy. It isn't so much that he didn't want it, it was that the therapy was inadequate, even with a few qualified gender therapists. They made a lot of assumptions about him and his transition that did not match the way he felt about himself. He is very much "binary" but acknowledges that not everyone else is. His current counsellor knows about his transition, but they don't talk about it in great deapth because she knows it is a trigger for him.

I think it's wonderful that you have reached that point where you can have your past and present exist peacefully together. It gives hope! When he is in a good space I'm going to encourage him to read these posts, so he knows he isn't alone and that other people have resolved these feelings.

*hugs*

There is a biological explanation for being transgender.
There are differences in brains of women and men, fixed before birth.
They are triggered by various transmitter substances .
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people. They are off the market now.
So its literally a mans brain in a womans body.
So he always was a man.
If you look into his eyes you will see the eyes of a man.
This might help him with self acceptance.
He is a real man.

He might look into a mirror using it for reassurance.
He will see the eyes of a a man.

Here is a brochure:
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

This should give him real self confidence.

Well there are people out there still adhering to a traditional view body = gender identity.
But this is not the case.
People come around more and more understanding this.
http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/03/the-genderbread-person-v2-0/

He might try to get a bit more away from other peoples opinions and realize its his opinion and aura that count.
He might do things he feels comfortable with, and which give him joy.
If there are persons who do speak lowly of him he might avoid them for a while.

If he is just himself many people will come around.
Just being steadfast and himself.
Going for other peoples approval can be fatal.
He might do it the other way around. He might just exude what is inside of him ... his real self ... and people will come around over time.
Those that do not are probably insensitive people who he might not have much in common with anyways.

If he is bipolar he might avoid swings, trying to go for stability ... doing things he feels do him well, and exploring new things slowly...

as Dena said a good gender therapist might help ... getting a feeling of stability...
some work on sliding scales, and you might ask at plannedparenthood or lgbt groups for a referral .. and look up reviews...
there are also online counselors, there was a thread on that... 

Concerning religion many people feel there is a being of love ... which helps in times of distress ...
its just that some things are not changed instantly ... but people feel being helped and relieved and shown ways to cope with it...

If he wants to chat you might pm me ...
and by the way there is a chat on susans...

there might be support groups in your place...

and if he feels low please tell him to reach out...
there are helplines, some with other transgender people, for example:
www.translifeline.org


many *hugs*

Thank you Laura, that is what I tell him, is that there is a biological reason that he is this way. I think deep down he knows that, as well.

I don't know if he is going for other people's approval or if it is just how he sees himself. He didn't have acceptance when he began but now everybody that he knows accepts him. His family has come a long way and it is a non issue for him and the friends of his that have found out don't really bring it up with him as far as I know. I wonder if he is holding on to the old experiences from the beginning of transition and projecting them in to his present.

He's very adament that he does not want to go to any transgender support groups. I don't know how I feel about that. He tends to be very triggered by the topic and I worry it may push him too hard. But on the other hand there have been some transgender people who have helped him a lot. Most of the transgender people who supported him in his transition were MTF, he finds that he tends to relate better to them than FTM people, which I find strange. I will let him know that you have offered to talk to him and see if he is open to the idea.

I agree with the other posters too. Therapy would be a great help at this point. I also planned to do the stealth option, but as I progressed closer to transition, I got more used to the idea that I was born as a guy and can't change that. That doesn't mean I like it, but I learned to accept that prior to starting. Self acceptance of needing to transition came from me. Self acceptance of being trans came from therapy.

There is a lot of fear that surrounds all of this and you have to learn to live with it all. What if somebody knows I'm trans? What if they don't like me then? What if they try to hurt me? What if they tell everybody else about it? What if I'm not walking correctly or talking correctly? What if my voice doesn't sound right? As Dena said, you need to learn to merge the two aspects of yourself into one being and not worry about what other people are thinking. This is about being comfortable with you, not with everybody else.

Being stealth sounds much scarier to me than not doing that. Walking around with the same fear of being outed that I had prior to transition would be a lot of stress. Being able to discuss it openly and with confidence is a huge weight off my shoulders.

It sounds like you are doing very well with that Emilee! I'm happy that you got off to such a good start emotionally, I wish that for everyone who goes through this process.

I hope he can find the balance between being stealth and out. I know that he did not feel like being fully "out" was functional for him, but it seems that living stealth is also difficult for multiple reasons. I think he is trying to make sense of what relevance his female birth has for him. He sees his transition as purely medical and therefore not of any importance in his day to day life other than physically transitioning. He doesn't feel like female or male is relevant and that people should be judged for their character, which is a value I share. But he lives in a world which seeks to define people based on their biology.

He is doing better this morning, it seems he got through it for now. I wish it was not so hard. I hate that he lives in a world where people have made him feel like this needs to be such a rough process.

[Laura_7]

Thank you Laura, that is what I tell him, is that there is a biological reason that he is this way. I think deep down he knows that, as well.

I have included some materials in the link. Imo its different if its really seen in writing, by reputable sources like the british NHS.

I don't know if he is going for other people's approval or if it is just how he sees himself. He didn't have acceptance when he began but now everybody that he knows accepts him. His family has come a long way and it is a non issue for him and the friends of his that have found out don't really bring it up with him as far as I know. I wonder if he is holding on to the old experiences from the beginning of transition and projecting them in to his present.

Well you might talk about it ... maybe he finds a few of his fears defused ...
maybe in a way he feels safe and relaxed .... so he might give it a few thoughts...
and as you said if he reads the positings that might also help ...

He's very adament that he does not want to go to any transgender support groups. I don't know how I feel about that. He tends to be very triggered by the topic and I worry it may push him too hard. But on the other hand there have been some transgender people who have helped him a lot. Most of the transgender people who supported him in his transition were MTF, he finds that he tends to relate better to them than FTM people, which I find strange.

I have seen some FTM people sometimes being a bit rough when amongst themselves ... idk maybe some kind of competing behaviour ... often if there are women present it mellows the atmosphere ...
it also simply depends on the group. Its well possible there are nice people there and he finds one or two people he can go along with well.


*hugs*

[FTMax]

Hi Marguerite,

I can definitely relate to a lot of the feelings your boyfriend is expressing. I'm nearing the end of my medical transition and it is very hard to be confronted with people in my life who still struggle with pronouns, or who don't seem to understand that I'm a man even if I haven't had lower surgery yet. It is definitely very trying and difficult to deal with.

Is your boyfriend seeing a therapist? That may be a good place for him to discuss his feelings and get feedback about them. As far as I'm concerned, it sounds like you're doing your part as his significant other and being there for him. But he may really benefit from speaking to a professional if the option is available to him. If it's not something he's open to, maybe he could find a dedicated transgender friend that he could vent to. I know it's important to share your feelings and be open about them in a relationship, but I think in the long run just venting to you may end up wearing you down and negatively impacting the relationship.

As far as other advice - are you all at a place in your lives right now where you're settled in, in terms of housing/jobs/etc.? I'm considering it, and I know of countless others who have moved to a new place after they've completed their medical transitions. It can be tough to start over from scratch somewhere new, but it may be worth it to escape all of these connections to the past and daily reminders. I know you said he is waiting for some surgeries. Perhaps you all could start considering and planning for a move now, and that would give him something to look forward to when everything is over and done with.

[Emileeeee]

He's very adament that he does not want to go to any transgender support groups. I don't know how I feel about that. He tends to be very triggered by the topic and I worry it may push him too hard. But on the other hand there have been some transgender people who have helped him a lot. Most of the transgender people who supported him in his transition were MTF, he finds that he tends to relate better to them than FTM people, which I find strange. I will let him know that you have offered to talk to him and see if he is open to the idea.

It can be difficult to find a support group where you identify with people enough to feel like part of the group. I loved the first one I found and haven't really found one that's a good fit since. I found the first one in 1998, so you can see it's been rough finding another one.

I don't find him relating to MTF more than FTM strange at all to be honest. If you're learning to be perceived undeniably as a guy, would you want to learn that from someone that was born a woman or someone that was born a man? Just because an MTF is going the opposite direction, doesn't mean they don't know what it takes to be perceived totally as a guy. Believe me we still remember it and sometimes when he get scared early in transition, we fall back on those skills too. I try to spend lots of time with cis women for the same reason.

[Dena]

Your intuition is spot on Dena, he did not have a lot of therapy. It isn't so much that he didn't want it, it was that the therapy was inadequate, even with a few qualified gender therapists. They made a lot of assumptions about him and his transition that did not match the way he felt about himself. He is very much "binary" but acknowledges that not everyone else is. His current counsellor knows about his transition, but they don't talk about it in great deapth because she knows it is a trigger for him.

I think it's wonderful that you have reached that point where you can have your past and present exist peacefully together. It gives hope! When he is in a good space I'm going to encourage him to read these posts, so he knows he isn't alone and that other people have resolved these feelings.

Binary or not, most of us receive a good deal of emotional damage before we transition. It's something like PTSD in that is last even after the source of the discomfort is gone. The only way this can be addressed is in therapy and that means the therapist will have to be more aggressive or he will have to open up more and face it. When that happens, it will be rough on everybody but it will end it once and for all.

I spent 8 years in therapy and the first 5 were pretty ineffective even though I was open about everything. Group therapy allowed me to break down the walls but for about a month, I was pretty much of a wreck. The good thing is nobody was close to me at the time so they didn't share what I was going through.

[Saison Marguerite]

Hi Marguerite,

I can definitely relate to a lot of the feelings your boyfriend is expressing. I'm nearing the end of my medical transition and it is very hard to be confronted with people in my life who still struggle with pronouns, or who don't seem to understand that I'm a man even if I haven't had lower surgery yet. It is definitely very trying and difficult to deal with.

Is your boyfriend seeing a therapist? That may be a good place for him to discuss his feelings and get feedback about them. As far as I'm concerned, it sounds like you're doing your part as his significant other and being there for him. But he may really benefit from speaking to a professional if the option is available to him. If it's not something he's open to, maybe he could find a dedicated transgender friend that he could vent to. I know it's important to share your feelings and be open about them in a relationship, but I think in the long run just venting to you may end up wearing you down and negatively impacting the relationship.

As far as other advice - are you all at a place in your lives right now where you're settled in, in terms of housing/jobs/etc.? I'm considering it, and I know of countless others who have moved to a new place after they've completed their medical transitions. It can be tough to start over from scratch somewhere new, but it may be worth it to escape all of these connections to the past and daily reminders. I know you said he is waiting for some surgeries. Perhaps you all could start considering and planning for a move now, and that would give him something to look forward to when everything is over and done with.

I'm sorry that so many people still fail to recognize you for the man you are, Max, despite you being so far along. It seems to be a much bigger sting when it happens at that point. I always cringed when people referred to him as a female beforehand - even though he looked female. But when I hear of someone misgendering him now, when he passes fully as a man, I feel it right in the chest! It seems at that point they are being deliberately ignorant and that's the worst thing.

He has a therapist but he is seeing her for issues unrelated to the transition. He doesn't want to bring it up because it triggers him, and he is also worried that she will lose sight of his other issues if he gets into the transition. He has had some success talking to a friend of his. His friend is a cisgender male, and is straight - for a while we wondered if he might be FTM because he was very much into transgender issues. It turns out that while he is comfortable in the male body he was born with, he recognized that he was non-binary and has thought a lot about gender. So my boyfriend disclosed to him and he has actually offered a lot of very insightful feedback. I think this has been healing a little bit, despite that he struggled so much yesterday, because he sees now that we are not always  correct in our assumptions about others. So in the same way, people may not be correct in their assumptions about him. If that makes sense. I'm glad he met this person because I do feel he made a small bit of progress.

He has considered moving with me to begin a new life. But the truth is, I think he is far too sentimental to do that. He loves his family and his friends, even if they know about his past and sometimes trigger him with it. I feel like when he has his lower surgery, he will be at a lot more peace. At least I hope so. I think the reason that other people finding out hurts him is because he has to deal with their misconceptions and then feels like these misconceptions are validated by what he sees in the mirror.

I don't feel to worn down, as he doesn't get openly upset about it terribly often. We have lots of good times too, and I understand that he will have his down points. It is NOTHING like it used to be, I remember when I first met him (pre-transition) it was a daily struggle, and that was when it was hardest for me. Now, I remind him how far he has come. But I understand where you are coming from, I do wish for him to have other places that he can rely on, if only so that he not so reliant on me emotionally.

It can be difficult to find a support group where you identify with people enough to feel like part of the group. I loved the first one I found and haven't really found one that's a good fit since. I found the first one in 1998, so you can see it's been rough finding another one.

I don't find him relating to MTF more than FTM strange at all to be honest. If you're learning to be perceived undeniably as a guy, would you want to learn that from someone that was born a woman or someone that was born a man? Just because an MTF is going the opposite direction, doesn't mean they don't know what it takes to be perceived totally as a guy. Believe me we still remember it and sometimes when he get scared early in transition, we fall back on those skills too. I try to spend lots of time with cis women for the same reason.

I asked him why he relates better to MTF and he said he feels they are a lot more straightforward. Of course, this is generally speaking, and he has had close FTM friends as well in the past that he can relate to as well. I think one of the challenges with a support group is that the times he did go, they were not as far along in transition as he is. He doesn't deal with the issues of someone who is just starting out, and I think he feels farther along in the journey than most visible transgender people, so he's a bit lost in what do you do once you've gotten that far.

Binary or not, most of us receive a good deal of emotional damage before we transition. It's something like PTSD in that is last even after the source of the discomfort is gone. The only way this can be addressed is in therapy and that means the therapist will have to be more aggressive or he will have to open up more and face it. When that happens, it will be rough on everybody but it will end it once and for all.

I spent 8 years in therapy and the first 5 were pretty ineffective even though I was open about everything. Group therapy allowed me to break down the walls but for about a month, I was pretty much of a wreck. The good thing is nobody was close to me at the time so they didn't share what I was going through.

Thank you for saying that Dena, that validates a lot of what I have been feeling about him lately. He does act like he has been emotionally traumatized. I have to be honest, it is very sad for me to see. I have know him since he was 20 (he is 27 now) and it really seems to me that after he came out, he got a lot more sadness in his life. I mean, there is happiness with his new appearance, he cannot imagine himself any other way and he feels a lot more synced up. But things got so much harder for him, and it seems to take a lot more for him to keep his head high than it used to.  I'm so glad to know others have perceived their emotions in this way that you have described.

I feel like it will be very ugly when all those emotions come up once and for all, you're right. He has told me he is worried if he tries too hard he won't be able to take the full brunt of it. I don't know if that's the case. He is one of the most resilient, intelligent, and capable people I know. If anyone in my life can handle it it is him. I have phrased it to him as, this is not a demon he can slay, like his past demons. This is a demon he may well have to learn to live with, as comfortably as possible.

He did make it through last night, it was very hard for him and for myself. But after spending a lot of time, he did end up calmer and able to joke about things again. And he was able to talk to a friend today, and he said he felt at ease with the conversation (not easy when he is paranoid). I was glad to hear that.

[steyraug96]

[...]

Quote from OP:
    He's very adament that he does not want to go to any transgender support groups. I don't know how I feel about that. He tends to be very triggered by the topic and I worry it may push him too hard. But on the other hand there have been some transgender people who have helped him a lot. Most of the transgender people who supported him in his transition were MTF, he finds that he tends to relate better to them than FTM people, which I find strange.

I have seen some FTM people sometimes being a bit rough when amongst themselves ... idk maybe some kind of competing behaviour ... often if there are women present it mellows the atmosphere ...
it also simply depends on the group. Its well possible there are nice people there and he finds one or two people he can go along with well.

Hello, Lara, Dena, Saison, and Emileeeee,

I'd like to point out, what you are observing WRT FTMs being rough amongst themselves? You just described men's spaces, period. It's how men are, really. We live in a very feminized, woman-friendly society, so you don't get to see much of "men being men" any more, because - as you mentioned - they act differently when women are present. Gentlemen don't offend the tender little girls....  (Even thugs are more genteel, BTW. Thuggish behavior attracts women for the "alpha" characteristics, but excessive thuggery makes women run and hide - it indicates violence beneath the surface, and she might become the target... But men need that sort of capacity for violence, or they can't protect their tribe.)

Dena also nailed it here:

Binary or not, most of us receive a good deal of emotional damage before we transition. It's something like PTSD in that is last even after the source of the discomfort is gone. The only way this can be addressed is in therapy and that means the therapist will have to be more aggressive or he will have to open up more and face it. When that happens, it will be rough on everybody but it will end it once and for all.
[...]

Using myself as an example: Mom was a neurotic, manipulative type, either a helicopter "involved in every detail" or absent. Dad was either absent or the Authoritarian Disciplinarian. BY THEMSELVES, these are destructive behaviors. Add in some neglect, an abusive school (assaulted, a ruptured testicle before I graduated grade school)...  And then, as an adult, dad tells me the reason I turned out so badly is I didn't get hit enough? Went too far away for college, so I didn't get parental guidance?
Now add in that I'm MTF...  And that my sister (adopted, mind) had every little need tended to by my dad... 
I'd be a mess even if I DIDN'T have the T* issues. PTSD, learned helplessness, low self-esteem, etc, etc, etc.

The fewer issues going in, the less damage to repair or ameliorate.
It sounds like Saison's boyfriend has about as much damage as I do...  For comparison, read about Norah Vincent's "self made man" book. She ended up almost having a nervous breakdown afterwards, because she'd been pretending to be a man, and live up to the male ideals. I.E, there is no double standard, no "male privilege." There are two different standards, one for men, one for women. Women are expected to strive for X, men to strive for Y, and we belittle those who don't meet the standards. And while women's acceptable roles have (sort of) grown (Stay At Home Mom is now denigrated in some circles - WTF, most important role in the world is MOTHER), men's acceptable roles have in fact SHRUNK. Breadwinner, Alpha Male, but ONLY so far alpha as women allow.  Still better support her, care for her, be there for her, but she's a strong, independent woman who don't need no man - until there's work to be done...   

Anyway: Saison's BF has set himself up for some rough times, and - based on the comment

[...]
Most of the transgender people who supported him in his transition were MTF, he finds that he tends to relate better to them than FTM people, which I find strange. I will let him know that you have offered to talk to him and see if he is open to the idea.
[...]

He is a Masculine energy; he wants a complement, and Feminine energy will give that complement. Further, tho9ugh different, there are shared struggles, so I'm not in the least surprised he as an FTM would see a complement in the feminine MTF energies. It's the same thing as the "male only spaces" above, in reverse: Men also want time with women, but women need to understand, just as they put on a show for the boys (makeup, fancy dress, heels, push-up bra) - men do the same with women. It's the other half of the game, but it's still the same game. Think White and Black in Chess. Can't play chess without the other half...   But it takes energy, right? Choosing the dress, the lingerie, the perfume, the look for the makeup, then making a flawless execution so he's enthralled...? Men do something analogous, except for men - it takes on the nature of accomplishments, hard work, victories (and defeats along the way, which aren't spoken of to women.)
You're turned on by his pecs, or abs, or deltoids, or arms? That didn't take a few hours of selection, like your outfit. That took years of work, of dedication, effort, working though injuries, playing sports, winning, losing, early mornings and late nights...  And it didn't happen in a vacuum, he was also tending to his studies, building relationships, and learning other skills to make him valuable. Like your diet, if you're watching your figure? Has to be a part of you. You watch portion sizes all the time; determine right foods to eat, avoiding your favorite Starbuck's Lattes for a black coffee, skipping the birthday cake and ice cream, eating a salad instead of the bacon cheeseburger...  It's a way of life. And he is doing the complementary tasks, which for example, INCLUDES eating that cheeseburger - which he's going to burn off with an hour or three in the gym, building the strength to protect you if the need arises. Building the mental discipline to work 60 hours a week, so he can get the promotion to get a pay raise and better support his family. He doesn't do it because it's "fun" (though it may be). he does it for the other benefits: The wife's security, her smile, the children's education and health, etc.

It sounds like he needs more feminine energies directed to him, but not necessarily from Saison. It sounds like she's trying to be very supportive, but one person can only go so far, give so much. Therapy would help, and a good push to attend something casual, like a group session, might help. Maybe even take a page from Fight Club, and just attend support groups to attend, get a reality check.
Also, not enough good can be said about exercise, and fighting.  If he joins an MMA group, he'll burn off a lot of energy, become more masculine and confident, and bond with other men. I don't see a down side there...

Best of luck! Keep us posted.
-Dianna