My thoughts...

[Julian95]

I'm at a crossroads right now. Things are slowly coming together in my life. I started college and I'm taking driving lessons so hopefully I will have a car soon. I'm searching for a job. Eventually I will move out and transition. But even though things are coming together I have two paths that are ahead of me. One path is a path of living free and authentic. The other path is a very dark road with depression and eventually suicide. To be honest I'm already on that road. And it doesn't seem possible to get off. My spirit has been broken and torn apart many times. It's shattered into many broken pieces. I don't know how to put myself back together again. I feel like strangers know me better than my own family. The people who are closest to you have the ability to hurt you the most. I've never been let down and hurt so bad from my family than anyone else. And that's saying a lot considering I've been bullied.
My mother is teaching me how to drive. Today I drove on the road for the first time. I felt a short burst of happiness then I felt numb again like I usually do. At the end she asked me a question and I didn't respond how she'd like me to respond and she tells me I have an attitude. And like many many times before I wonder how just a short while ago I was happy and now I feel let down and like crap. I'm only 20 years old. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of living. If I wake up in pain and go to sleep in pain than what is the point in living? It seems like my only purpose in life is to suffer. I've been told many times by my family that I'm not normal. I have an attitude. I have anger management problems. I need therapy. I have this. I have that. So much judgment. Strangers will tell me I'm kind and humble. And I have to come home to hearing this. I don't have all of those problems. I'm just misunderstood and relentlessly judged.
I have to make a decision on what path to take. The decision is crucial because it affects how I'm going to live the rest of my life. I would hate to die knowing that my chance to transition was right around the corner. But I would also hate to live if pain was a constant companion of mine. These are just my thoughts that I posted in my journal today. I don't really have a reason for posting this. I haven't posted on here in a while and I figured I needed to hear someone else's thoughts rather than mine since I have no one to talk to. I don't know if I'm a kind and humble person people say I am or I'm just a freak that no one understands, including my own family.

[Dena]

The transition doesn't happen over night. You are in therapy and may be receiving T soon so you have already made a start down the new road. It may look much like the one you have been traveling but it's not. Because you are facing it, the road looks long and untraveled but by the time you reach my age, it will seem like it passed in the blink of an eye. Yes, I still remember much of the difficulty I faced but compared to the years I have lived after I transitioned, that time seems small.

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that could help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

To take some of the pressure off, you can always change something later.
You can make up your mind and go another way if you feel it is better for you.

Well it seems you already know.
You know what you would like to do.
Maybe you are afraid to do it, or don't know yet what exactly to do.
i'd say do it step by step ... see where it leads you ... then take the next step.
You might look for a good gender therapist ... there are some who are on sliding scales, or there might be programs.
You might aks at plannedparenthood or a lgbt center.
And there are also online therapists. There are threads with adresses.

And if you are in college there should also be a therapist available there.
There might also be a lgbt club where you might make some friends.

You might come out to a friend who is accepting . So you could have someone to support you.
You might look for trangender support groups in your vicinity.

I'd say listen to your feeling inside, what gives you joy.
Often transgender people are used to adapt to others, kind of reading unconscious expectations.
Try to be yourself ... it will be easier over time.

The scatterd feeling comes from adapting to others ... try to be yourself, without being rude...
its your right to be yourself and do what you feel brings you joy...

try to do consciously daily a few things you really like ...
enjoying a cup of tea, some good food...

If you feel really low please reach out...
there are hotlines, some with transgender people, for example
www.translifeline.org


many *hugs*

[Ms Grace]

There was a woman I knew many years ago, we had a passing acquaintance through a college we were studying at. I didn't know her well but she was always very pleasant when I saw her around the college. As chance would have it I bumped into her several times in the city too and we would say hello and often chat for quite a while. I liked her but I didn't fancy her, she just seemed pleasant. Anyway the opportunity came up to share an apartment with her, it was an emergency and she needed someone to fill the place of her housemate who was leaving to live with her sister. I also knew that woman through the college and all was good between them, no problems as far as I knew.

Anyway, the point that I'm getting to is that it didn't take me long to realise after I moved in that my new housemate was not always as pleasant as she seemed in our random encounters. She was frequently moody, angry, grumpy,  depressed, paranoid, accused me of things I hadn't done, expected me to do things without telling me and then blaming me, etc, etc. I doubt she was aware of her behaviour. She probably thought equally uncomplimentary things about me. Now I'm not saying for one second that any of these behaviours are you, but it is a truth that friends and strangers can't really know you until they have lived with you 24/7/365. When we're in public we can have a very different persona to our home based domestic personality. The people we mix with are doing exactly the same thing. At home your family is dealing with your domestic persona, you may not think it is any different but it almost always is for every person. They may know you better than you realise. They may be worried for you more than you care to admit.

The questions you need to ask yourself are, are you depressed? Are you angry? Do you feel hopeless? It sure sounds like you are depressed, especially when you talk about feeling numb. If any of those things are true, what are you going to do about it? How are you going to take charge of the situation? It sounds like you know part of the puzzle, the first few sentences of your post are positive and proactive. Study, learning to drive, moving out and setting up life as your authentic self. It sounds like you know what you want and need to do but the depression is crippling that. You say your family says you need therapy, I suggest you take them up on that offer. Tell them you want to see a therapist and make sure it is one who deals with gender identity issues. You have the chance to make your life the life you want for yourself.

[Just_M]

Hi Julian, I hope it's not too late. I'm just passing by, I used to get online here quite often trying to figure out if I was (or am) trans or not. I've met great people right here but I stopped logging in so often as it was emotionally consuming. However, I read what people post and reply every day, and that's how I got to read your comment. And I logged in just to reply to you now.
First of all, I want to tell you that I understand what you're saying. I know it sounds as if I was just saying that to make you feel good about yourself. No, that's not the case. I do get what you mean, I know how mean can parents be, I know how bad it is to be bullied by strangers and how bad it is to be bullied by your relatives. Trust me, I know. I know how awful it is when your mother says you're a cute or a pretty woman when you feel you're not a woman. I know how painful it can be to spend time with people you don't want to see on a daily basis. I know how hard it is to feel there is a different way to live. And I know this can make you feel angry and sad and both things at the same time. But things can change and it will get better.
I see that you're already doing a lot of brave things in order to be independent. And for me, that's the best thing you can do for yourself at this moment. You owe it to yourself. You owe yourself the care, the love and respect that you were once taken away. Find a friend you can talk to, move out into their houses if you can. Look for a job and work. Keep studying, save money. Work harder. Focus on your dreams and goals. That's what I try to do. I couldn't live with my parents anymore, I was emotionally broken and I built my own future. Now I'm a teacher, I travel a lot, I have a beautiful cat, I'm independent. My relationship with my parents has improved, although I still get somewhat mad when they point out feminine things out of me. But that's something quite recent, as I've started questioning my gender a couple of months ago with more concerns than when I was younger.
My point is, you will be just fine, if you want to. Thing is you're not alone. It seems like it but hey, look what's happening. Someone from Argentina is feeling close to you know!
So I hope you respond, let me know you're well. Tell me you'll try. And maybe someday I'll read your posts about what an awesome man you are.
XO